It isn't easy to put things into words.
People think that it's just writing, but it's so much more. It's emotions and expressions.
I don't think I'll ever be a good writer, but at least I understand what I write.
It's hard. It really is. It feels like the world is crumbling from under my feet, like there is no safety net to catch me or find me.
I'm not alone physically, but mentally there's not a single person who hasn't let me fall through a hole in their net. All I can do is fall and watch as others are caught in the same net.
I'm an only child(I’m not. But I refuse to be known as a sibling). So the people I see getting caught are people I don't know, faces I don't recognize and never will understand.
It's dumb to feel jealous of people you don't know anything about, but is it so bad to sometimes want to be the one caught by the net? Instead of being the net supported by faulty nails.
I don't know what I feel most of the time. All I know is that it hurts, it makes my eyes burn, my face sticky and my nose gross. It makes me feel like my heart is too full yet tok empty, there are people I care about supposed to be in there right? But then why can't I see them. I feel how full it is but I can't see what's in it. It makes my hunger go away and makes me feel so big that I might burst even if I don't see anything inside.
.
I'm always going to be at fault for that aren't I? I'm always at fault. For how I act, how I talk, how I eat, how I feel, what others feel, what others do, what others see. Worst of all it's my own fault for how I hurt myself, I don't like doing it. I don't like hurting myself in whichever way I do, but what else is there for me? If I don't spill for others then what can I do?
I can't help, they'll get mad anyways. If I do try then it's not enough and if I don't try then I'm lazy. There is no winning. What's the point in cleaning something that will never be clean. What's the point in trying to fix something shattered beyond repair.
It's all pointless.
All I can do is apologise and stay quiet. Hope that they look through me and not at me and move on. It's not like I'll be of any use to clean it up.
I can break things, I just can't ever seem to fix them.
It's just me in the middle of the shard, reflecting all that I want to be and have but will never achieve.
There are people who'll miss me. I know that. But I can't bring myself to understand that, how can someone miss someone like me?
I'm an extra Lego piece in a set. Made to replace something that is missing but I won't ever fit quite right. Others may depend on me but in the end, there's always someone else that can replace me again.
I can't love like them. I forced myself to not be able to love as much as they can. I learned to be this way.
It hurts. It does.
So if someday I'm gone, don't be sad. I'm not sad about it. You shouldn't be either.
You know who you are. All of you at are fault, people I'm supposed to call ‘family.’ What bullshit.
You raised me like this, you talked to me like this. Made me feel like I was supposed to play the role of ‘nice’, called me ‘brutal’ when I gave up, called me ‘selfish’ when I wanted to talk about how I felt, left me to rot when I was a kid and you were supposed to be there.
You all know who you are and where you fit in this. You have no right to feel sad if I'm gone, all you have the right to feel is glad. Why? Because you are the ones who made me like this.
I have only two friends whom I cherish a lot. I'm sorry to you two. I'm so sorry if i go. Please know I didn't want this. It was too much, you guys are my everything. To the moon and back for you.
If I'm gone, to my ‘family’ I leave you the knowledge that it was in fact your fault. You didn't care to look past what you wanted to see. You can feel all you want, but don't you dare feel sad about this.
I'm sorry.
From who i hope you don't miss, Ron.