James’ day today had been long and tiring and all he really wanted was to see Regulus who he’s been dating in hiding for half a year now, but he can’t do that. He’ll have to wait till tonight, cause right now Sirius is waiting for him in the library, he’s promised to help him with his charms homework. He’s just so very drained, but of course that’s not important right now, his friends need his help and if they need him, then he’ll have to put his own needs aside and deal with them later.
He puts on a fake smile before he walks into the common room, saying hi to a bunch of people on his path. Everyone talks about popularity like it’s always a good thing and of course it is, he knows so many amazing people, but sometimes being popular is so very hard, there’s so many expectations he has to meet and he has to do everything right and be right, but if not this then what is he good for? He just has to hold on the mask for a few more seconds, there shouldn’t be anyone in the dorm right now, so in there he can let his guard down. He can get to be sad for a few minutes, but then he has to go help Sirius and after that he promised to meet up with Remus and Peter and then dinner in the great hall and after dinner tonight he and Regulus have plans to meet up. He sighs to himself, head full of all the things he needs to do, as he opens the door, but what he sees surprises him.
“I thought you guys were out?” He asks confused, when he sees the dorm is full of all his friends. not just the marauders friend group, but all of them. Remus, Sirius, Peter, Lily, Marlene, Mary, even Regulus. they’re all there.
“Prongs- We need to talk to you about something” Remus says slowly, James immediately notices that they all look a mix between sad and worried.
“Yeah of course. What's up? Anything I can help you with?” He asks, his automatic response by now.
“James honey, what’s going on?” Lily speaks
“Going on? What do you mean?”
“We’re worried about you.”
At that he laughs, trying to play it off as nothing.
“You don’t have to be worried about me. I’m fine. you know me Lils, I’m always fine.” It’s a response he’s gotten quite used to by now. He's said ‘I’m fine’ more times than he can count, most of those times it was a lie, just like now, but people always believe him and it’s okay. He doesn’t need them to worry about him. if he keeps saying he’s fine maybe one day it’ll be true. And he knows It’ll all be alright in the end, he’s sure of it… It has to be.
“Honey, it’s okay to not be fine. You don’t always have to be okay”
and at that he breaks. He hates himself for how little it took for him to break, he should be able to hold it in better than this, he shouldn’t cry this easily. He’s always been good at hiding how he really feels, why does that fail him now? Tears flow down his face fast and he chokes on a sob. He tries to smother another sob by covering his mouth with his hand.
The whole room looks baffled and James instantly feels like he’s done something wrong. He shouldn’t be sad, he shouldn’t cry while they’re all here. They’ll just be worried about him and there’s no need to be, he’s fine, he really is.
He knows that they’ve never seen him cry, especially not like this and he never wanted them to. sobbing into his hand, tears streaming down his face. He's worrying them for no reason, he’s a horrible friend. How could he do this to them? Making it seem like a bigger problem than it is. He doesn’t like this, he’s being a bad friend and a problem to them, he’s weighing them down and he shouldn’t, he knows he shouldn’t, but he can’t stop, can’t stop the stream of tears nor the choking sobbing sounds he’s making. He can’t breathe, it’s all to much, too fast and he doesn’t know what to do. He's normally never on this end of things and he now he’s tried it, he can say he absolutely hates it, but of course he knew he would.
“Come here” he hears Sirius say and he looks up, his eyes blurry with tears. Sirius has his arms wide open and normally that’s where James would go. Seek comfort from his best friend, but right now that’s not who James needs. Instead he walks towards the younger black brother and wraps his arms around his waist, burying her face in the hollow of his neck and lets himself cry.
No one says a word when James walks over to Regulus, they all look confused around at each other. Of course no one looks more confused than the black brothers. Remus sees Regulus looking at his older brother with a confused look painted across his face, but Sirius is busy looking from James to Regulus back to James, after a tense few seconds Sirius looks back at his younger brother and nods. Regulus sends him a small smile and wraps his arms around James.
When James feels Regulus' arms wrap around him, he lets out another sob and relaxes further into the man he loves more than anything, he lets himself be comforted. He can go back to being the happy friend who helps everyone else tomorrow, but for now he lets himself cry and he pushes away the guilt.
*
Half an hour later everyone leaves the dorm. Peter and Sirius said they were going out to get some fresh air, Remus said he’d go to the library and the girls said they’d go back to their dorm. They all left because of the mutual understanding that who James needs to be with right now is Regulus and Regulus alone.
Peter and Sirius walk out the doors of the castle and towards the black lake, neither have said a word since they left the dorm, mind busy with analyzing everything that has happened, which is a lot.
“I did not see that coming-” Peter starts after a long stretch of silence.
“me neither Wormtail, me neither. I had never imagined my baby brother and Prongs would ever be together”
“Well to be fair, they haven’t said they were dating, maybe they’re just really good friends”
“No, i know my brother and that was not just friendship”
“So you're not mad about it?”
“No way. I mean of course it’s weird, but I love my brother and I love Prongs and I know they would be good for each other- Talking about James. how did we let that happen?”
“I don’t know. I mean he always seems fine”
“I think that’s the problem, he kept saying he was fine and we just believed him. We should have known- I should have known”
“Don’t beat yourself up about it, he didn’t tell us so there’s no way you could have known”
“No, but I’m his best mate. I’ve been a horrible friend. Going on and on about my own problems and not even seeing he had problems as well. Of course he has problems, why did I never stop to see that?”
“We all did that padfoot, but we’ll just make sure to be better from now on, okay?” Peter stops walking and Sirius does the same, looking at the ground and kicking a stone around. He gives Sirius a stern look, because he knows if he doesn’t get Sirius to understand, he’ll just keep beating himself up about it. Of course they should have been better friends, and seen through James’ lies, but there’s nothing to do about that now, they’ll just have to do better from now on.
after a few minutes of silence Sirius finally looks up at Peter, giving a small nod “okay” he says before Peter enfolds him in a hug.
*
James and Regulus are now on the bed, Regulus still holding him, with James practically curled up in his lap, tears still streaming down his cheeks, but he’s no longer sobbing.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” he repeats muffled into Regulus shirt over and over again, while Reg moves his hand in comforting circles on his back, shushing him.
“You have nothing to apologize for my love” he kisses him on the top of the head. “Why didn’t you tell us that you weren’t okay?”
“Didn’t want to be a burden” James sniffles
“oh baby” Regulus coos sadly “you’re not a burden, you’ll never be a burden!”
“But- But I’m supposed to help everyone”
“Why do you feel like you have to help everyone?”
“Be-Because I’m the happy friend and-And if I’m not happy then what am I good for?”
“You’re good for so many things-”
“No-” he interrupts him and regulus feels him shake his head “I’m supposed to be happy so I can- So i can help if someone else is sad”
“You’re allowed to be sad love, just like everyone else”
“But what if I’m sad when one of my friends are sad and- And then i can’t help them” James sniffles
“Then one of your other friends can help them while I help you. It’s okay to need help”
“But- I have no reason to be sad”
“Why do you think that?”
“Be-Because i’ve had a good life and good- Good parents”
“Just because nothing bad specifically has happened to you doesn’t mean you don’t get sad. Being sad is human and you’re allowed to be it, just as much as anyone else. We’re here for you, even when you’re sad.”
After a long silence, Regulus looks down at James to see why he hasn’t answered and sees that he’s fallen asleep. He changes his position so they’re laying down on the bed, Regulus holding James before he puts the blanket over them, kissing his cheek.
“Goodnight my love” he whispers to James before he falls asleep as well.