When Regulus Black was eight, his mother called him fat for the first time, though it wasn’t until he was ten that he started seeing it every time he looked into the mirror.
He hated it.
He hated everything about himself, so when he was twelve he decided to skip lunch. He thought that if he ate breakfast, that it could last him till dinner.
Then he started skipping breakfast.
then dinner.
Now he has very specific rules in his head that he needs to follow.
When he was 14, he started dating James Potter and he feels so guilty because he knows how he looks, he knows it’s bad, but he just can’t stop. That just means he can’t take off his shirt in front of anyone, not even James, which makes the guilt even worse.
James deserves someone who can give every part of themselves to him and Regulus just can’t do that.
“You alright Reg?” Pandora’s voice breaks through his thoughts.
“Hm?” he looks up at her “oh yeah, sorry. I’m just not that hungry.” He knows she was asking because he was just pushing the food around on his plate, not having eaten a single bite yet. With a fake smile, he puts his forks down. “I actually think I’m going to James’ dorm, I’m really tired. I’ll see you tomorrow or later tonight” without a goodbye to his other friends or even waiting for Pandora’s reply, he gets up from the chair and walks out of the great hall, towards James’ dorm.
When he gets there, he’s alone. He knew no one would be there, since they’re all still at dinner in the great hall.
He sits down on James’ bed and pulls out the book he’s left behind for when he needs something to read whenever he’s alone here.
Surprisingly it doesn’t take longer than five minutes before the door opens again and James walks in.
“Hey, are you okay?” James asks worriedly as he makes his way towards Regulus.
“Yeah, of course. I’m fine” He feels the fake smile return to his face. He really doesn’t want James to worry. It’s fine, it’s always fine. Regulus can handle it.
“I just saw you left dinner early and-”
“I was just tired James, it’s all okay, I promise” He interrupts his boyfriend before the rambling can start. When James gets nervous or worried or anxious, he tends to ramble a lot, the words just well out of him.
“Oh, okay, good. Yeah, that’s good” James starts, clearly relieved. Regulus feels bad for lying, but it’s better than worrying him. “I can get you something to eat from the kitchen”
“No, I’m fine. I’m not that hungry actually”
“Alright” He seems to hesitate for a bit “what do you need then Love?”
“Just you”
“Alright, okay. yeah, I can do that” James lays down on the bed and Regulus instantly snuggles close to him, making sure to leave no space between them. “Is this better?”
Regulus just nods, too tired and overwhelmed to speak.
But being held by James makes it all better, James always makes everything so much better. He’s Regulus’ comfort space.
his home.
They’re in Regulus’ bed, since his dorm mates are out all day. Regulus is sitting on top of James, with a leg on each side, hunched over so he can kiss James.
It’s sweet and slow and so caring. Regulus makes sure to pour all of his love into the kiss, since he can’t tell James he loves him with words, he’s gonna make sure it’s shown in the way he kisses him.
Regulus' lips leave James’ in favour of kissing a trail from his lips to his neck. James tilts his head to the side, giving Regulus more space. He continues kissing James’ neck for a while, before returning to his mouth.
James deepens the kiss and Regulus moans into it. If Regulus died while kissing James, he wouldn’t complain. In his opinion, there’d be no better way to go than kissing the sun.
As he feels James' hands start to make their way under Regulus’ shirt, he feels a surge of panic, pushing himself off James, making sure to push his hands away as well. “Stop! Stop, please stop” he rambles out. His heart is beating so fast, he swears he can hear it.
He’s sitting on the bed, with his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around them, he has his head down as well as he rocks back and forth, trying to calm himself down.
“Hey, hey. What's going on? Are you okay? I’m sorry if I did something wrong, "James says in a calm voice. He hadn’t noticed James sitting up beside Regulus, but he must have because the voice is close. “Can I touch you?” James learned very quickly that when Regulus gets like this, he needs to ask, because sometimes Regulus needs James’ touch to calm down and other times touching him is the worst thing James can do and it’ll just make Regulus even more distressed.
Regulus shakes his head, fast.
“Alright, okay. I won’t touch you. Do you need me to speak” James asks, clearly trying to figure out how to help him best.
Regulus shakes his head.
“Do you want me to stay?”
Regulus nods.
“Okay, I’ll just sit here with you in silence” is the last thing James says.
Honestly, Regulus doesn’t even know what he’d do without James. He’s the most caring and amazing boyfriend anyone can ask for and Regulus is just… He’s fucked up. He has tons of luggage and so much stuff going on. He doesn’t know how to take care of himself, he doesn’t even love himself and isn’t it something about that you can’t love others until you learn to love yourself? Regulus is selfish, he knows being with him is hard and he knows James deserves better, but he’s too selfish to let him go.
Regulus tried telling him that once. Telling him that he’s selfish for keeping him when he causes James so many issues.
“I’m with you because I want to be with you and not because I feel like I have to. I love you so much Regulus and I promise that you’re not causing me any issues.” James had told him, but Regulus had a hard time believing it and he still does.
It doesn’t take long for him to calm down and when he does, James luckily doesn’t press. They just cuddle up together in the bed and falls asleep in each others arms.
“Hey Reggie” he hears James say which makes him look up from his book. James sits down in the chair opposite Regulus.
“You know this is the library, right?” He asks his boyfriend, confused.
“Of course, love”
“Then what are you doing here? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in the library”
“Well I’m not here much, but I know you are and I came to see you”
“So you stalked me” Regulus states with a raised eyebrow. He already knows that James used the map.
James, Sirius, Peter and Remus told him about the map at the end of fourth year and he was honestly surprised. He knew they were all really powerful, but he had no clue they were that good.
“No- Well yes, okay, fair enough. I just missed you” James answers
“Fine, you can stay but be quiet” Regulus says with an eye roll before returning to his books.
He has an assignment for potions, Slughorn wants them to write a five page essay on Draught of Peace. Regulus is currently four pages in, even though it’s not due till friday next week, but Regulus likes being in advance of his assignment so he doesn’t have to stress about it. Unlike his boyfriend who always pushes everything to the last minute, and then spends all night speed-writing his essays the night before they’re due
“Potter!” Regulus says in a warning tone, without looking up.
“What? I didn’t say anything”
“Stop staring at me” He finally looks up at James, with a raised eyebrow.
James is resting his chin on his hand, his elbow on the table, while he’s shamelessly staring at Regulus “can you blame me? You’re just so beautiful, I can’t even look away. You’re a star Regulus Arcturus Black, blinding me with your beauty”
“Sap” Regulus mumbles, trying to hide his blush with his hands.
“Only for you my love”
“I’ll kill you” Regulus threatens.
“I bet you will”
“Oh ew, only you would see a death threat as a love declaration”
“Well isn’t it the same for you?”
“Fair enough,” Regulus shrugs.
“I- actually came here to talk to you about something”
“Yeah, of course. What is it?” James starts fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, which is something he does when he’s anxious. “Hey, Jamie. Whatever it is, you can tell me. I’m here for you”
“It’s just- I’ve noticed that-” he shakes his head “Sorry I’m bad with words”
“It’s okay, take your time” Regulus says, trying to calm James down.
James inhales deeply before exhaling “are you okay? I’ve just noticed that you haven’t been eating much lately and I really–”
Regulus feels a surge of panic run through his body, he can’t have this conversation with James. He knows he’ll break and tell his boyfriend everything and it won’t do anything but worry him and Regulus refuses to do that.
He refuses to dim the sun.
So he quickly stands up which makes James stop talking, looking at him with worry instead. Regulus scrambles to get everything into his back while talking “Sorry, I have to go. I forgot that I promised Pandora to help her with something, I’ll see you later”
“But Regulus-” James starts, but Regulus just slings his bag over his shoulder, gives James a quick kiss and leaves before James can continue.
As he walks down the hallways, he feels horrible and so very guilty.
James deserves better, he thinks to himself as he makes his way to his dorm, hiding the tears that’s forming in his eyes, so no one will see.
Regulus hasn't seen James for 2 weeks now. He’s been avoiding him, because he knows if James gets a chance to talk to him, he’ll just try to get Regulus to speak again.
“You can’t avoid him forever you know” Pandora says. They’re sitting outside under a tree. Pandora is laying with her head in Regulus’ lap and he’s playing with her hair.
“Hm?”” he hums “what do you mean?”
“James” she looks at him.
Regulus sighs “I’m not avoiding him.”
“Yes you are darling, don’t you think I’ve noticed you hanging out with me 24/7 the last few weeks?”
His hands still in her hair. “You could just tell me if you don’t wanna hang out with me”
“That’s not what I was saying, you know I love hanging out with you, but I’m worried about you, star.” Star is a nickname she started calling him after they first met.
“My name is Pandora, what’s yours?” the girl in front of him asks with a wide smile.
“Regulus Black”
“Regulus? like the star?”
“Yes and so what?” he asks, defensively, as he crosses his small arms over his chest.
“I like it, it’s unique and cool”
“Well… your is too” he responds. He quite likes her, he wouldn’t have guessed it since she’s so different from him, but he does.
“Wanna help me find my brother, star?”
“Star?” he asks, confused.
“Yeah, it’s my new nickname for you,” she laughs. “You like it?”
“No” he says, yes he thinks, but he’d never admit it.
“Liar,” she says with a teasing smile. “Come on, lets go” she turns around and walks off, with Regulus right behind her.
And it’s been his nickname ever since that day.
He smiles at the memory, before remembering that Pandora said something. He continues playing with her hair, trying to decide what to answer. “I’m just dealing with some things right now and I just need a bit of space you know and you’re my best friend so yeah” he shrugs.
“Awe that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said… Like ever I think” Pandora laughs, before turning serious again “As long as you know I’m here if you need to talk”
“I know Panda, I love you” there’s a very short list of people he can casually say i love you to and Pandora is at the top of that list. “I just need time to think some things trough, so right now I just need a distraction”
“Alright, I’ll be your distraction. I’m very good at distracting” she says, turning her eyes back to the sky.
This is a big reason for why he loves Pandora so much, she knows him better than anyone. She’s the only one who knows it’s best not to press him on things, but letting him come to her when he’s ready to talk. She knows that he’ll just put his walls back off if she starts pressing him to talk.
Regulus laughs “I know you are”
“Please just leave me alone James!”
“Reggie, you’ve been avoiding me for weeks. I’m sorry for whatever I did, I won’t do it again, I promise”
“James it isn’t that, I just-”
“Is it me? Was I too much? I’m always too much, I always scare people away. I’m so sorry Reggie, I’ll change I promise. I’ll do anything. I’ll become less. I just miss you and I can’t breathe properly, it’s like someone has taken the oxygen away when you aren’t near. I don’t know what to do, just tell me what to do” James rambles as tears collect in his eyes.
Regulus feels horrible. He did all of this to not worry James, but instead he’s made James feel like he wasn’t enough.
Regulus takes a few steps, closing the gap between them, as he brings his hands up. He’s holding James between his hands, one on each cheek. Drying away the tears, that’s now flowing down, with his thumb.
“I’m so sorry. You’re not too much, you’ll never be too much.”
“Then what did I do wrong?” He asks, his voice sounding so fragile that it breaks Regulus' heart.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, mon Soleil. I just-” Regulus takes a deep breath. James just looks at him from between Regulus’ hands, patient, always so patient. “I’ll tell you everything, just- Can we go to your dorm or are your friends there?”
“They’re all in class”
“Lets go to your dorm then and I promise I’ll explain everything, is that alright love?”
James just gives a small nod.
Regulus lets go of his cheeks, taking his hand instead, intertwining their fingers.
James covers his other hand with the sleeve of the jumper he’s wearing, using the bottom of the sleeve to dry away his tears as they make their way towards his dorm.
The dizziness hits Regulus suddenly and he stops walking. He holds his head with his hand, putting the one in James’ hand on the wall instead to steady himself.
“Hey, are you okay?” He hears james’ worried voice break through the haze.
He tries to nod, but it just makes him more dizzy, so he immediately stops “yeah, I’m fine. Just give me a few seconds. I just got a bit diz-”
with that everything goes black.
When Regulus wakes up, the first thing he notices is that he’s in the hospital wing.
The next thing he notices is James sitting beside him with his head on the bed, sleeping.
When Regulus moves to sit up, the movement wakes up James, his eyes blinking open and when he sees Regulus he quickly sits up.
“Shit, didn’t mean to fall asleep” James says “How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine I just- What happened?”
“You don’t remember?”
Regulus begins to shake his head, but when he tries to remember, it all comes back “I fainted, didn’t I?”
“Yeah, you did, good thing I was there to catch you…” James starts “Regulus, love, what’s going on?”
Regulus takes a few deep breaths, knowing the upcoming conversation isn’t going to be easy.
inhale
exhale
inhale
exhale
He looks at the roof. He just can’t look at James while admitting this “I don’t even know where to start” He admits with an awkward laugh “I’ve had trouble eating..”
“How long?” James asks, taking his hand.
“I don't remember, but a long time. I’ve also passed out many times before this. It– It started with just lunch, but then I thought that if I didn’t need lunch, then I didn’t need breakfast or dinner either. And I just- I just can’t stop”
“Why?”
Regulus swallows harshly. “I- I hate how I look. I’m disgusting. I’m fat and disgusting. And I was always told that people who aren’t pretty, don’t deserve love, so I- I just stopped eating. It started with weight. It started by being about becoming skinnier, prettier. Now it’s about… about control. I feel in control when I make food rules and follow them. The hunger feels euphoric. It’s like a competition with myself, seeing how long I can go without eating. Every Time the number on the scale drops, I feel like I’m winning, like I’m doing a good job”
Regulus hadn’t noticed till now that he had started crying.
“Who told you that? That you don’t deserve love if you aren’t ‘pretty enough,’ which I for the record highly disagree with. You’re the most beautiful, mesmerising person I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting”
“My- My mother” he sniffles. “She started calling me fat when I was eight, she kept saying it, while telling me no one would ever love me if I wasn’t pretty”
“Well Walburga obviously has no clue what she’s talking about. She’s a cunt and a liar and you definitely shouldn’t take her word on anything”
Regulus lets out a wet laugh. He moves on the bed, so that he’s laying on the left side, leaving the right side open.
James instantly realises what he wants. “Regulus no, I don’t want to hurt you”
“You won’t, now get on the bloody bed, Potter”
James laughs as he gets onto the bed, beside Regulus. James curls into his boyfriend and Regulus instantly wraps his arms around him, holding him.
He feels James’ shoulders start to shake as he clearly tries to silence his sobs in Regulus' shirt. Regulus strokes his back.
It takes a while for James to calm down.
“I’m so sorry” James finally says, breaking the silence.
“Why?” He asks, genuinely confused why James is apologising.
“You’re the one hurt, but I’m the one crying.” He says, muffled into Regulus’ shirt.
“Hey, hey. None of that. It's okay. A lot has happened to you lately. First I avoided you for weeks making you think you did something wrong, which by the way, I can’t apologise for enough and now all of this.”
“I just want to be there for you”
“I know and you will be.”
James pulls back, so he can look at Regulus. His eyes are still glistening with tears “Does that mean?”
Regulus nods with a smile, pushing James’ hair away from his face. “Yes, Jamie. I’ll try to recover.”
“Really?” The wonder and pure happiness on james’ face makes it all worth it.
“For you, I’d do anything” right as the last word leaves his mouth, James’ lips are on his.
The kiss is not sweet nor passionated. It’s relief, desperation and happiness. It’s teeth clashing against teeth. Regulus can feel James’ love in it and it’s not because of how he looks or how skinny he is. No, James loves him because he’s him and he can feel James communicate all of that through the kiss.
And Regulus has never been happier.
James pulls away from the kiss to look at Regulus, with a wide smile on his face that Regulus returns without hesitation.
He didn’t lie. He really does want to get better, for James, but also for himself. He knows he can have a life with James and he can be happy, he can live life to the fullest.
And he knows without a single doubt that James will be there, by his side, every step of the way…