17

Evan crawled over to Barty in the darkness, pressing a small, soft kiss on his lips. He knew what he was doing was stupid, but anything to have him, right?

Barty kissed back, as soft and slow as him, like he was taking his time, like he was enjoying every bit. A small butterfly in Evans stomach flapped it's wings.

He pulled back and Barty pulled some of his duvet onto him, which only made his butterfly flap harder.

Only a flitter of moonlight snuck in through his drawn curtains, making Bartys outline clear. A small part of him could be seen, the hair by his ears Evan continuously wished his could go over with his fingers, the mole on the side of his kneck he liked to take particular time with, the small stretch of skin on his cheek, a glint of the eyebrow piercing that had long since grown out, a small shadow of his eyelashes. Evan thought every part of Barty was breathtakingly beautiful but even more so when he could notice all the little things. All the little pieces of him he loved- not just physically.

Barty wrapped an arm round his side, his elbow just resting on his hip. His hand traced the expanse of his back, and all of a sudden his lips were on him. Soft but slightly ragged from where he bit it anxiously. Barty had a lot of anxious habits.

His mouth opened and then fingers grasped onto his shirt, pulling it down so Evan could feel the neckline just slightly tugging up. He wrapped a hand in his hair, slightly tugging him back the way he knew Barty liked.

He flipped them quickly, raising his knee between his legs, the legs he loves so much, embroidered with tattoos from the many stick and poke sessions and from artists he'd shown a fake id to. There was a butterfly slightly above his knee that he knew was for him. Not that Barty had ever told him or well told him sober. But it wasn't too difficult to notice the exact copy of his patronus.

He knew what they were doing, he knew they were just friends with benefits. Just two horny young men with no one else. He knew that. But sometimes Barty did things that his heart clung on to. The tattoo, the soft pullings of blanket, the small reassurances, the ramblings and replays Barty always seems happy to put up with.

Maybe he was being stupid, borderline delusional, but sometimes, sometimes he thought maybe Barty could love him back. Maybe he wasn't just a fling to him.

--

Time didn't do much to Evan or to his situation. He was still in love, he was still someone Barty only slept with.

Well not anymore. It had been four years since their thing started. Five since Evan realised he liked him.

And 6 months since Barty had started dating Regulus.

It was difficult. It had been a difficult 6 months. His heartstrings pulled everytime he went to their house. He felt despair in his bones and rage in his blood.

He rarely saw them nowadays.

He was happy for them. Of course he was. Regulus deserved that. Regulus deserved love, he deserved a happy relationship. He deserved a man who would never fade away, who would always be there, who would stand by him. And unfourtunately, Barty was that. Once he was there, he was there. If he was nothing else, he was loyal.

He wouldn't go unless he had to.

And Evans furious. How could Regulus have him, all of him, while Evan had been reduced to scraps for four years? What was the big difference that made Regulus worth loving and Evan not? What was wrong with him that made him so undesirable?

He's heard all the answers before, he's heard the "It's not personal", "It's not you, you're just incompatible", "You just weren't the one, there's nothing wrong with that." But Evan thinks it's all bullshit.

Of course it's him. He hasn't held down a relationship longer than two months since he was 13, he hasn't really dated full stop. Everyone stops after they've been with him, and that's that.

He goes through his day like there isn't a problem though. He goes to his stupid job, where his managers always shouting at him, where his coworkers look in disgust at his hair, his piercings, his skin. He deals with screaming customers over the phone, he files and files and files. And by the time he's out he's exhausted but he keeps going anyways.

Sometimes he talks to Peter, or Dorcas or Pandora. He's so thankful for them. Especially Pandora. Having a twin is hard, you're always together. Same classes, same room, when they were kids same clothes. But she's stood by his side through all of it. She's held his hair when he was drunk, she's soothed him through whiteys, hallucinations, nightmares, she's taken his anger, his sadness, his happiness. She's been there through it all. And that's not to say she's always a day of sunshine, but he will always be there for her too. They're constants.

Sometimes he goes round hers, talks to Lily, pets their cats. Sometimes he meets Dorcas at pubs and clubs. Sometimes he meets Peter shopping centres or random benches or the occasional park.

He comes home eventually and he crawls under his covers, lighting a joint, filling his hours with random shit on the telly or noodles he's impatient with considering they take 5 minutes.

He sleeps and sleeps and sleeps until the next day rolls around again.

But Barty is also a constant, and he's in his brain like a disease.

--

It's been 9 months since Barty and Regulus broke up, 9 months of scraping by on crumbs. On hours spent in Bartys bed or Evans, or on the couch, the table, the kitchen side, a clubs toilet. Whatever it is Evan will take it and hold as if he's clasping water and trying not to let it slip through the gaps.

But sometimes it's like holding glass. If you hold hard enough it breaks.

They've spent 7 of those 9 months acting like a couple. They're together all the time, they go to dinner, to the movies, to museums. Barty holds his hand on walks and they brush theyre teeth together, eat together, sleep together, breathe together.

Evans butterfly has been joined with a thousand.

And that's why one day he asks.

He asks the question you never get a good answer from. The question everyone hates.

"What are we?"

Barty frowns from his seat on the sofa side and he looks up as if confused. "What do you mean?"

"Well we're not just friends are we?"

Bartys jaw sets. "No shit sherlock."

A silence hangs over them, tension thick. Evans hands are shaking. He didn't know what to do. This wasn't how he intended the conversation on going.

Conversations almost never do.

"Answer the question then." Evans shocked his voice didn't shake. Didn't show how almost unbearably anxious he was inside.

"We're two people doing things that make us happy."

"Right."

Another silence comes. Bartys fingers are tapping on the edge of his seat. Evans scratching the back of his hand. The air is heavy.

Suddenly Barty speaks. "Look you knew what you were getting into, you know I wasn't taking this serious."

"There's more to it and you know it. I don't know why you won't talk to me."

Barty stands, hands in his air, pulling it forwards. "There's nothing to talk about, Evan, how many times do I have to say that."

Evan stands too, eyebrows furrowed in confusion and anger. He's hurt and he knows it but he's angry. He's angry it's taken so long to have a conversation just for Barty to push it away like he does everything else.

"There is!! You can't live with someone for 7 fucking years without knowing when something troubles them. And I know there's something. We need to talk, I didn't sign up for years of being a piece in a game I don't understand enough to play."

Barty sighs, hands dropping. "Don't sign something you haven't read."

Evan drops his head, he can't look Barty in the eye. "If we don't talk, whatever this is is over, okay?"

"Okay."

"Right then talk-"

Barty unterrupts before he finishes the conversation. "No as in okay this is over."

"What?" Evan feels like Bartys just stabbed him in the gut.

"This is over."

"What because you can't fucking speak about this?"

"Yeah." He nods minutely as he speaks, he's looking in Evans eyes as if he's seeing through them.

"That's ridiculous. You - you used me."

"Don't kid yourself, we used eachother." Barty then turns and walks out the door, closing it softly, leaving Evan staring a the spot he was once in, at the sofa they spent countless hours, at the walls of his flat that heard it all.

--

It's been a year. He's still not over it. The absence of Barty is felt like a gaping wound, an infected one, one he'll never treat.

The words are still bore into his mind, etched into his heart. And it's not just him. It's like the echo of Barty has weasled its way into every part of Evan. Everything he sees, every place he stays, every voice he hears.

He knows he's pathetic. He knows he needs to get over it. But how can you get over something that's been in your life longer than you'd care to remember.

Regulus has been there. Carrying him through it with his similar experience and bottles of wine he bring over every other week. He's found his guy, his perfect, his happy, his one. He's more at ease, smile lines finally drawing its way into his face.

Evan is for once, perfectly happy with it.

He has a cat now, a tubby that's absolutely insane. She distracts him. She wakes him with her chaos, she comforts him with her head nuzzling into his hand or his leg or his arm. She's stupid and a bit weird but Evan finds comfort in that; that there's someone else who's as stupid and weird as him.

Yeah, maybe it's in very different contexts, but he's comforted by that. He thinks he's allowed to be.

Evan's found more additions in his home, as well. Pictures and paintings strung up on walls, flyers and posters all over his bedroom. But he couldn't help but add photos of him and Barty from over the years. After all, he'd be impossible to exclude.

Hes tried dates. He's tried stupid apps, and he's flicked through hundreds, even talked to a couple. But no ones drew him in quite the same. No one's matched how he felt about Barty. No one's managed or weasel their way into their heart and latch on. Sometimes Evan thinks he misses the times he was with Barty. He was still lonely and pathetic and upset, but at least he actually had him. At least he wasn't upset at nothing. At least he wasn't missing the what once was more than the what could be.

He hasn't heard from him since that night, and his friends rarely mention anything about him now. He's found his socials, not that there's much on them. His name, a blank profile picture and one photo posted on his Instagram. A couple retweets, a few reposts. Nothing of substance.

He's been frequenting many off licenses since the not breakup breakup. He's also been revisiting several old dealers from his school days. At least those ones haven't left.

He spends most of his days trying to fill his life with some meaning, something that will make him whole like Barty used to. Something that will maybe help his frayed edges turn into something beautiful and something smooth.

Dorcas and Pandora has decided to try and help him out. They're taking him to bowling tonight. Fucking whoopee.

Once their there Evan feels even more disappointed. The rooms old and worn, with carpets that have so many stains on them he's shocked by the fglimpses without.

Pandoras giggling and Dorcas is humming and Evan, all of a sudden, misses being at home.

Dorcas grabs his wrists and pulls him over to their row and Pandora puts his name as 'Grumpy git', making herself laugh and Dorcas huff a chuckled breath.

Regulus and James have arrived, smiling, James giving a small wave over. Lily's behind them, trying to hurriedly read a few more pages of a used and dog eared version of Pride and Prejudice.

They hurry over, Lily stuffing her book into her bag, and placing an arm around Pandoras waist, kissing her kneck chastely. Evan feels a twinge of pain has he remembers how Barty used to do that.

The game goes well and, considering the fact Evans never played this, he managed to come third and even win a turkey.

Stupid fucking name.

Lily obviously came first, having played this a lot with her family as a child. She tried again as an adult too, taking Pandora on dates here often.

Regulus came second, his seeker skills coming clutch for once in his adult life. But Evan has a sneaking feeling that it might also be the competitive side in him.

They pay and leave, the cold, fresh air taking Evan by suprise. The group exhanges hugs and oats on the shoulders, calls of goodbye and doing this again, before they all dispand.

Evan takes out a bnh blue and lights it, making the short journey home.

The whole time he's sure he's being watched. He can see green and brown hair from the corner of his eye. He swears Bartys close.

--

Two months goes by and the feeling has only gotten stronger. Though for some reason he hasn't mentioned a thing. Not even to Pandora.

He's outside and it's pouring, a perfect metaphor for how he's feeling after a draining day at work, and an almost sleepless night.

His shoes are filled with puddle water. Jeans and jacket soaked, and his hair is weighing heavy.

The raindrops falling from is ears to his neck, his chin to his clavicle, his eyelashes to his cheek is irritating him. He wipes them away so many times to find it's happening again. He doesn't bother wiping it anymore and is somewhat hopeful that it'll stop.

He's turns his head, looking at the bus passing. How he wishes he'd have taken it.

But as the bus moves along, he finds a man he once known. His eyes are locked onto his own, and over the busy street he tries to shout over unsuccessfully. Evans eyebrows furrow and that's when he runs over, dodging traffic, feet making small splashes where the water has gathered.

He hops over the bridge between the road and the pavement and sighs.

"I should've known. I can't believe I didn't." Is all he says.

Evan stares, confused at the words but also enthralled at the things he's getting to see. And not just from a blurry photo taken in Hogwarts or a fading memory, an actual sighting. And oh how lucky Evan is to view him.

There's raindrops on his cheeks, his eyelashes, his cheeks, his ears, his clavicle, his neck. All the places they could be that annoyed him a second ago is now godly.

He finally draws his view back to his eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"It means I fucking love you. And I have for so long. I have since I've known you, I have since we started our thing, I have since Reg, I have since I walked away. I was so godamn stupid. I didn't see it till we broke. I didn't see it until I didn't have you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was so stupid. I'm sorry I ever let you go. I'm sorry I never saw. The time we shared was always precious to me but all the while I was dreaming of revelry, of stupid fucking bullshit. Nothing ever meant more to me than you and I should have seen that sooner. You don't have to accept me, I understand if it's too late."

Bartys breathless by the time he's stopped, looking down at his shoes and then up again at Evan. His hands are wringing the hem of hoodie.

Evan takes a hand and holds it to his face, before moving the other hand up. He takes the cigarette into his mouth, taking one drag before spitting it out onto the ground beside them and pulling him in.

Barty goes willingly, taking his breathe from him. He feels like his heart is being sucked out, only for Barty to digest it whole. He feels his body return to normal, his frayed edges becoming smooth, his body feeling fresh.

He pulls away, ignoring how Barty chases him with his mouth and straightening up. "You know that I could use someone like you. But no one's like you, Barty. Ive been roaming round, looking down at everything I see. No one knows me the way you do, no one can draw me in and keep me there the way you do. No one makes me feel more like myself than you. I'd be a fool to deny you, anyone would. I've wanted to be with you since we were fucking fifteen, Im not gonna give up the second I finally get you. I learnt to crawl for you but I never learnt to walk away and that's never a bad thing to me. I love you, I love you and I'm so glad you love me to you crazy son of a bitch."

Barty visibly lets his tension go, he grabs onto the sleeve of Evans hoodie, just the sleeve. He stares up and half smiles half smirks. Of course he can't ever let his arrogance go even now.

"How'd you know I'm crazy, Rosier?" He tilts his head to the side, and oh just the sight of his mole makes Evan almost drawl. He's missed that. He's missed it so much.

"You'd have to be as thick as Potter not to notice you've been following me."

Barty grins. "You know that should send you running right?"

"You're my crazy, Crouch. I couldn't even try to run from that."

--

Eventually, they settled together. Evan didn't have that ache anymore, that insane loneliness. And he no longer has to endorse the extortionate price of his emotional support.

He spends his mornings curled into Bartys side, his nights most likely busy with something else.

His days at work don't seem as bad now he has something to come home to. Or more a someone. An insane, lovely, heartwarming, annoying dickhead he can return home to. He spends his lunch hours reading, smoking and/or texting his friends

and partner.

Not that things are perfect, they probably won't ever be with Barty included. Not in a bad way, in a good way. Evan likes the push and pull. Evan likes the intoxicating way they are together. And he knows Barty does too.

He comes home to his little shit of a cat and an even more little shit of a boyfriend. He collapses on the sofa, getting a small kiss on the forehead before Barty continues cooking. That's something about him Evan didn't know much of before; Barty loves cooking. He loves cooking for people even more.

"You alright, Bee?"

"Just fine, sweetheart. Work good?"

Evan chuckles, "When is it?"

"Good point, you know I don't know why you're even still there, I know there's something better you could get." Evan finally heard the song coming from Bartys phone, Brian Molkos voice taking over the kitchen, Haemoglobins unforgettable sound infiltrating the house.

"I know, but I'm fine where I am. It's not the best, no, but it pays the bills and it's close enough by that I don't have to get a bus." Evan explains, stroking between his cats, Sophie's, ears.

Barty hums, openings draws, the clatter of cutlery audible. There's a pause as Barty goes through to the living room, plopping down next to him and handing him a bowl of spaghetti meatballs.

"I get it. However, your happiness is, shockingly, important to me. If it makes you feel like shit, if it drags you down, which I know it does, you can find something else. You have more than enough experience."

They eat comfortably, putting on an old dvd. They bring a blanket down, light up and enjoy their evening in a haze of relaxation.

--

A few months later, Evan does actually decide to leave his job. He finds another  almost immediately, and this time the people look at him with kindness. They are not the perfect team but Evan thinks he does better when things are just a bit messy.

He's not always happy, everyone has bad days, everyone has days they'd rather not get up in. But he does. He finds his reasons and he latches onto them.

Unlike his twenty year old self, he does actually want to live. He does want to find out what more life has to throw at him, just so he can learn how to bat it away.

Sometimes he wants to shout and scream, beg and cry. Sometimes he wants to explode. Sometimes he gets so scared that Barty's gonna leave, that he's gonna drive him blind. But he never does. And he can say the same about all of his friends. About his twin, about his cat.

He eventually realises he's not going to leave either. He's not going to prepare for them to anymore and he's not going to try  and push them away in his fear addled brain either. He's settled and he likes it that way.

He likes the way the sun rises and falls, he likes the way the stars twinkle on and off and he likes the way the streetlamls flicker. He likes his life.

And he finally feels like he's going somewhere. He knows he's not all the way there yet, he knows he still had to learn and change and grow but he's excited for the change. He's glad when he looks back and finds himself different to how he was. He's got a gift and he has eternity to figure out what to do with it. Cos what can you do with it?

James and Regulus, Pandora and Lily, Dorcas and Marlene, Xeno, Peter, Mary, Sirius and Remus come round now. Sometimes they all go out, sometimes they go to them but it doesn't matter. He's got an actual group of friends and they all care. They've never not cared, but he's able to see it now. It's so so clear to him he finds himself stupid for not seeing it sooner.

He keeps himself mostly sane, and he keeps moving forward. He just keeps moving forward.