They had just gotten back from visiting James and Lily before baby Harry was born, which was going to be at any moment now, Lily was 38 weeks pregnant and the due date was within the next two weeks. The fact that he was going to meet his godson so soon scared the fuck out of Sirius but at the same time he couldn’t wait to meet him and the same was for Remus, obviously. Harry was so loved by so many people already.
The night found them cuddling tiredly on the couch while watching some random muggle reality show that neither of them were paying attention to. Every window of their flat was wide open, letting the gentle summer breeze get in. The sky was clear, putting on full display the summer constellations. Remus had his legs thrown over Sirius’ lap with his head on his chest and arms around his waist.
Most of the time it was the other way around; Remus loved giving physical contact and Sirius loved receiving it, because to be held made him feel safe, he felt invincible in between his husband's arms. But today as soon as they got home and changed into comfy clothes Remus threw himself all over Sirius and he knew instantly that something was wrong.
Not that he didn’t love to cuddle with Remus (especially when it was this way, with Sirius holding him safe) but the problem was the worried expression on his face, Sirius could tell he was overthinking something, by his furrowed eyebrows and the way he was biting his lips anxiously. He knew better than to ask him right away, Remus needed to feel ready to talk about it and he would as soon as he did. He knew he was safe with Sirius. But he also needed someone or something to keep him grounded, to keep him from drifting away and going into a spiral, so Sirius resorted to running his hand softly through his curls and giving him occasional forehead kisses.
It must've been a few minutes before he felt Remus taking a deep breath and speaking at last.
“Pads?” He asked softly, his voice barely audible past the voices coming from the telly.
“Yes, love?” Sirius looked down at him.
“Can I ask you a question?” He replied, tilting his head towards Sirius. He thanked Merlin he was already sitting down because he felt his knees go weak. No matter how many years he spends looking at Remus, nothing can ever prepare him for what Sirius feels every single time he looks into those amber eyes. Remus looked ethereal, the soft light of the television shining on his face in the most perfect way making Sirius forget any kind of worry invading his thoughts.
“Of course, moons, what is it?” He asked, stroking his cheek with his thumb.
Remus took another deep breath before asking, “Do you remember, a while ago, when we talked about having kids and you said you always wanted to have one?”
It took Sirius a moment to reply. “Yeah, I do,” that gave him a hint to know where the conversation was going, his heart skipped a beat with the thought of it. Truth is that he'd been thinking about it for a few months too, ever since Lily got pregnant he was constantly daydreaming of a child of their own, running around in their flat and lighting their days with happiness. Of course, his past always lurked around those thoughts, making him feel as if he could never build a proper family but it only took a single look into his husband’s eyes to remember that history doesn’t necessarily repeat itself. He had the power to change the narrative and allow him the life he wanted and deserved.
Before replying, Remus repositioned himself by sitting sideways on the couch towards Sirius so they could be face to face. He started fidgeting with his hands on his lap, a sign of how anxious he was feeling, so Sirius wrapped his hands around Remus' to keep him from fidgeting so much or hurting himself somehow and to keep the contact they both needed at that moment, "It's okay, love, you can tell me what you're thinking, I'm not going anywhere." He whispered, trying to calm Remus down despite being an anxious mess himself.
Remus took a deep breath before speaking, “Do you think we’re ready for that?”
Sirius opened and closed his mouth a few times before Remus interrupted his hesitation.
“I know we said that we’ll wait but I just feel like it’s been a while and we’re financially stable, me with my tutoring, you with your art and your uncle’s heritage I feel like we can make it. And maybe we're too young, we've got our whole life ahead of us but seeing Lily and James so happy, more than they've ever been, and imagining little Harry got me thinking that that could be us too and I’ve been fantasizing about it these last few months and you know what the worst part is? That I don’t even know if you think we’re ready or we're on the same page, maybe you changed your mind or maybe I'm rushing things but I've never wanted something in my whole life more than how much I want this but maybe it's not the right time and it’s actually consuming every single one of my thoughts–" Remus started rambling holding Sirius' hand tightly unable to look him in the eye.
“Hey–" Sirius interrupted.
“And I just think now it’s better than ever because we’re young but maybe way too young–"
“Remus, love-" he insisted.
“It’s completely fine if you don’t feel ready because I know is a big deal, a kid I mean, so please don’t feel pressured into saying or doing something you don’t want to because at the end of the day I'll still have you and that's more than enough–"
“Remus. Moony, moons hey listen to me for a second,” Sirius managed to talk over him while Remus finally exhaled, realising that he was holding his breath the entire time. “I understand. I get it. I've been thinking the same, ever since Lily told us they were having a kid, and I was going to talk with you about it within the week. I see where your worries and hopes are coming from because I have them too, maybe we're too young but things like these aren't things that happen overnight, it could take years for what we know and why not start now? I've always dreamt of building a family with you and I would never in a million years be against the idea."
“Really?” He whispered as if he was expecting a completely different reaction or answer. It's not that they didn't communicate or didn't know one another but since he knew Remus, he always had the ability to overthink situations and conversations that led him to think the worst of things.
“Yes, love, yes” Sirius replied.
And so Remus kissed him with such gentleness and affection and love it was overwhelming. He let a small laugh against his lips, "Merlin I love you," his eyes started to get filled with tears just by the thought of building a family with Remus, his Remus. He never in a million years thought that something like this would be happening to him, life really didn't end at fifteen. His tears must’ve started to fall because suddenly Remus pulled back, “Padfoot, why are you crying? What’s wrong?” He dried Sirius' tears away and stroked his cheek with a look full of worry.
“Oh, no nothing at all.” Sirius said, “On the contrary, I’m happy, so happy that I get to do this with you, that I get to build a family with you. For a long time I thought I wasn't worth any kind of happiness, that I deserved all the bad things but lately life's been so good, mostly because of you. You've made my life so much better Remus Lupin, you saved me, and I just can’t wait.” He let out a wet laugh, “I would call the adoption agency right here and now but it's quite late, I doubt they'd answer but tomorrow morning–" Sirius halted abruptly when he noticed the way the word ‘adoption’ made Remus’ smile falter and suddenly he seemed just as worried as he was before having the conversation. “Why– what is it you don’t want to adopt? Do you have any other ideas in mind?” Sirius asked.
“No, no I wouldn’t mind adopting, it's just there’s another thing I’ve been thinking about,” Remus said, looking confidently at him in the eyes.
“Yes?”
“I think that a family, a kid is something so personal that I want it to be something just ours, just you and me involved,” Sirius started to open his mouth but Remus stopped him, “Wait, wait let me finish. For example, this house it's ours but not literally because we didn’t really build this, there are several things our friends have gifted to us, and things that were made by other people’s minds and hands,” he continued, “at Hogwarts our dorm, our bed wasn’t really ours, there must've been thousands of others students sleeping on those beds before us, and I’ve been thinking that I want to be the one carrying your baby. I want them to have your laugh, and your eyes; I want them to remind me of us. I want this process to be ours entirely and no one else’s. Is it– is that something you would like to do? We could always go for adoption obviously if you don’t–“ He started rambling again.
“Remus what? Are you–are you kidding me? I–I would love to do this with you and no one else involved, I’d love to see you being the one carrying our baby but–wouldn’t it–wouldn’t it be something that would make you feel dysphoric? Wouldn't that be hard for you? I wouldn't want you to go through something that could feel like hell to you, not now, not in a million years.” Sirius replied.
“Yeah, yeah I’ve–I’ve been thinking about that too but I've read about other trans people's experience with pregnancy and it made me understand that the things my body is able to do, does not define who I am as a person or my gender. Being able to create life with my body doesn’t mean I’m less of a man or makes me less transgender. Obviously, I know that there’ll be moments where I’ll feel dysphoric, and awful as hell but I just know that it’ll all be worth it in the end. To know that at the end our dream will come true is more than enough for me.”
There was a pause where neither of them said anything and were just staring into each other’s eyes, until Sirius finally spoke.
“Oh how I love you Moony, I love you so much it hurts, thank you, thank you, thank you.” Sirius said, kissing him.
They kissed gently but with passion as they were slowly undressing each other. There was no rush, nowhere, and no one to be. This moment was theirs entirely.
“I love you too Padfoot, always.” Remus said in between kisses.
That night Sirius made love to Remus, worshipping every single inch of him. He could never get enough, he was addicted to him, so full of love he could barely eat, he was afraid he would go insane. This was the start of a beautiful journey that they would embark on together as a single soul. They made love, whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears, feeling and enjoying every second of it. The air was thick with love and a certain hopefulness they've never felt before. That night they became one.