Struggles
Several days pass, each day basically the same for James. Wake up damn near before sun rise, make his bed and then head out for his morning run, his route usually consist of running down the stairs and through the halls until he makes his way outside. Once outside he likes to run down from the castle and take a lap around the Black Lake, some days he would go further down and make his way through the Forbidden Forest but that typically was only on the weekends when he didn't have to make it back to shower and eat before class. He would then head to the Quidditch Pitch and look over some quidditch plays before heading back up to the castle and taking a single lap around the castle before finally heading back up to the dorm to shower, by that time Remus and possibly Peter would be awake and prepping for the day. Today went a lot like last several days, he was up and doing his normal routine. His sleep schedule was still out of wack but he needed to make sure he kept up with his routine or he'd fall behind. Plus this way he knew he'd make it to his first lesson on time every day, after the last time he really wasn't looking forward to being late for Minnie's class. James knew that this wasn't exactly the healthiest option, but he couldn't get his mind to be quiet nowadays, everything seemed to be at an all-time high.
Today was another good day, he woke up on time and was going about his normal morning routine, he'd already finished his run around the lake and run through his latest and newest quidditch plays before starting his way back up to the castle. In the distance he could see a figure but didn't think much of it, sometimes there were other morning birds but everyone always did their own things sometimes James would say good morning if he was passing by, however most of the time he doesn't cross their path. He continued up his normal path and watched the way the sun rose and shined on top of a head full of beautiful blonde curls. It was captivating to James, the way the suns' rays seemed to create a halo around the figures head which caused James' face to break out in a breathtaking smile. The figure was facing the opposite direction but those gorgeous curls could only be Evan, James knew it was Evan. There was no doubt in his mind that it was Evan but after their last interaction James didn't want to bother him or push any boundaries at the moment plus who is he kidding he knew he looked like a right mess in this moment, sweat sliding down his face, his curls sticking to his forehead. The only good thing about his current state was the self-cut grey crop top that he'd made last year when he realized it would help keep him cool on his morning runs especially in the summer. Keeping this all-in mind James decides to just make his way up to the castle fully intending to let Evan have his space, even if every fiber in his being at this moment wants to walk over and just say good morning. A year ago, he might have ignored this feeling, but he'd grown up a bit and realized that if he were in the shoes of someone who clearly wanted to be left alone yet was pestered anyway, he wouldn't take it nicely either.
James slowed to a jog as he got closer to the school, his eyes were still on Evan, he couldn't help it. Evan just looked so beautiful, even if he wasn't facing James. The sun had always been James' favorite, but man was it truly the best thing to grace James' life because it gave him the masterpiece in front of him, Evan looked like an angel the way the light reflected like a halo around his curl. It was an image that James was sure he'd remember for the rest of his life, even if he only saw it this one time. He knew he should look away if he looked any longer Evan was sure to notice the feeling of someone's eyes on him but no matter how hard he tried he couldn't drag his eyes from the art in front of him, not that he wanted to anyway. It surely had only been a moment or two since James had noticed Evan in the courtyard, but it felt as if time had frozen around him, it sounds superficial if he thought about it but he's sure that he saw something in Evan's eyes that day that drew him in. Of course it didn't hurt that Evan was handsome, even though handsome didn't feel descriptive enough for Evan. There were just these feelings that drew James to Evan, like there was a string attached to them that was tugging James in Evan's direction, but he'd keep his distance if that's what Evan wanted.
As he maintains his jog he realizes that in just a moment if he wanted to keep his eyes on Evan he would literally have to watch over his shoulder and he may be a bit of an idiot sometimes but even he knew that doing this would be ridiculous so he drinks up the last bit of the this moment as he goes along his routine before focusing on the path to the school in front of him. James is about thirty feet from the school at this point, the image of Evan being bathed in the sunlight fresh in his mind was easily distracting enough that he doesn't even notice the eyes that are now on him. The eyes in question being the pools of ocean blue eyes with just a swirl of deep forest green that track every move that James makes as he heads towards the school.
Evan himself seems to be locked in a trance as he had finally turned to see whose eyes were locked onto his person, the answer was a reward in itself even if James was no longer looking because the image to grace his eyes is one overly sweaty older Gryffindor golden boy whose curls are clearly plastered to his head from whatever activity he'd been involved in. Along with the way that James crop top hung perfectly, tight on his shoulders, back and chest yet lose enough that it flowed slightly around his hips as he jogged towards the school. Honestly that man looked as if was sculpted by the gods themselves and Evan could not take his eyes off of him. A slight part of him felt that he should stop looking but it's clear that James had been the one staring at him just moments before and well fair is fair. Plus who is he kidding! James always looked good but sweat covered, wearing a crop top that showed off his abs and his waist while the sun shown down on him as if James was the only one in existence was so addicting. Plus, it took his mind of the reason he'd come outside this early in the morning so really it was a win win for Evan. He watched James up until the moment that he was no longer within his sight, his thoughts were full of images of the way James walked and the way the sun made him look divine. These were not the only thoughts running through his mind, he wondered if James was out here every morning or if by pure coincidence, they both just happened to be out there this early today. Evan knew deep down that he wanted to know the answer, not just about this, what he wanted to know was everything he could about James. He'd always noticed James but ever since the day James had run straight into him well, he was all Evan could think about, not that he'd admit this to anyone willingly. Evan stayed in the courtyard for a bit longer before heading inside himself and heading down to have an early breakfast.
James on the other hand had finally made his way all the way back up to the Gryffindor dorms and headed straight into the shower, the time he'd taken to stare at Evan this morning caused him to be a bit behind his morning schedule but he was still on track enough that he knew if he took a faster shower he'd make it downstairs with his friends and enough time to eat before class so that's what he did. He speed runs his shower so that the others would have time to shower and get ready this morning as well. After about fifteen minutes he left the shower and headed back into the dorm to get dressed for the day, as he got dressed, he noticed Remus heading into the bathroom and Peter slowly getting up from his bed. He finished getting dressed before grabbing his signature red converse and placing them at the foot of his bed as he walked over to Sirius' bed to see if he was up yet, he could hear the water of the shower running indicating Remus had started his shower. Peaking behind Sirius' curtains allowed him to notice that Sirius was in fact awake but barely, James chuckled slightly at the tired yet grumpy look on Sirius' face as James pulled back and walk over to his own bed before putting his shoes on.
The rest of the boys took about thirty to forty minutes to finish getting ready and then the four marauders left the dorm together like they do most morning and headed down to grab breakfast, James' eyes scanned the Great Hall the moment he entered hoping to catch a glimpse of Evan for the second time that morning. Luckily for him it seems the gods were looking out for him as his eyes find Evan sat in the middle of the Slytherin table surrounded by his typical group of friends. Evan looked just as good inside as he did out in the sun, that in itself was amazing to James. Even from here James could see the small curl that had found its home on Evan's forehead, out of place but exactly where it should be if you were to ask James. James and the other marauders continue their walk into the Great Hall and down the aisle towards their other friends, yet James eyes don't stray from Evan for longer than a moment. The smile that rises across James' face as he continues to watch Evan interact with his friends comes unasked for but fully welcome.
His nickname being called grabs his attention and his head snaps to his friends as they reach the girls, James blinks slowly as he tries to recall hearing any part of the conversation, they had just been having but his mind comes up blank, so he gives his friends a sheepish smile as he says "Sorry, what did you say?" James knows he's likely blushing a bit if the feeling of heat on his cheeks has anything to say about that. But he knows it's extremely likely with the fact he's sure he just got caught staring at Evan, which in itself could be a problem if the others had noticed, what would he say?
Sirius gives James a suspicious look as he looks over in the direction that James had been looking probably looking to see what or who James had been so distracted by that he'd ignored them since walking into the Great Hall. "I said, what are you looking at? You've been distracted since we got here."
James face flickers through a million different expressions too fast for anyone to even begin to try and decipher the meaning behind them as he takes a seat next to Marlene and across from Mary, sadly his back was to the Slytherin table now and he knew it was probably for the best otherwise he's sure he'd been wholly unable to take his eyes off of Evan. His thoughts flash through a million different excuses to use instead of the truth, it's not that his friends would support him exactly, but he knows that Sirius would be livid. Evan's a Slytherin and in his mind all Slytherins are evil, uncaring and horrible just like his family, along with the fact that Evan Rosier is so closely knit with Regulus and their other friends that Sirius would surely blow up plus James isn't even sure he would have a chance with Evan. The younger Slytherin had seemed so uninterested in even having James' help let alone a possible relationship so it just felt stupid to possibly start a fight over something that James might not ever be able to have. And if he's honest with himself, well he'd like to keep his feelings as close to his heart right now seeing as the last several infatuations, crushes or relationships he'd had well they had all ended in a way that only caused James so much hurt. So, he lets a small smile grace his features as he says "What? I wasn't staring I guess I just zoned out, sorry Pads. I promise you have my undivided attention now, what were you talking about?" He knows if it had been Remus asking him this and waiting for a response well the lie wouldn't work, but this is Sirius and he's more likely to believe James.
To prove that theory correct Sirius gave him a bright smile, his normal happy smile that James was so used to. The smile relaxes anxiety that James didn't even realize he was feeling, along with the breath that he hadn't realized he was holding in. James gives Sirius a smile in return one that was bigger than the firs one he had given him now that he realized Sirius wasn't going to press the issue. James watched as Sirius begin to fill his plate with his typical morning breakfast that consisted of whatever fruit was available, waffles and a shit ton of bacon. James' eyes moved to the rest of his friend group. Each of them had morning routines and tended to stick to the same meals each morning something they probably never really thought to hard about, Remus making what the rest of them called his "Moony Toast" something that they had all been intrigued by the first time they'd watched him make it. The four different toppings, one on each corner, each member of the group had tried it at least once because they'd all be curious. Peter tended to stick to oatmeal, Marls would have a full Scottish breakfast, Mary would have one of three cereals that she routed between, Lils would have pancakes or french toast with whatever else she was feeling. Yet James never knew what he wanted; he would pick whatever looked appealing in that moment.
The group ate silently at first, half of the group was still half asleep, and the other half were too focused on their breakfast except Sirius who was talking James' ear off the entire time. James nodded his head along and answered when appropriate but if he was honest with himself today his head wasn't there, not the way it normally would have been. His thoughts were on a certain Evan Rosier. But he didn't want to be interrogated about that, when he still wasn't sure what his plans were nor if he'd even have a chance.
Midway through breakfast the chatter picked up now that everyone had started to actually wake up whether it had to do with the extreme amounts of coffee some of his friends were drinking or if it was the amount of time that had passed since they'd woken up, but it helped James get out of his thoughts about Evan. The conversation flowed much like it normally did now that his mind wasn't flashing with the images of Evan this morning in the sun. The flow of the conversation stayed steady, and James chimed in as much as he typically did and breakfast seemed to fly by fast which had James believing that today could be a good day, one that would fly by.
As breakfast ended the group of friends gathered their bags and began to head for the exit of the Great Hall. The group of friends head off towards their first class together, James is sporting a bright smile as they walk the corridors. In no time the large group of friends arrive at the Transfiguration lesson and take their seats, instantly Sirius, Marlene and Peter are involved in a conversation about the upcoming party in a few days. Lily, Mary and Remus are in a conversation that James is unable to hear so he turns his attention to setting his possessions up in his work area just as Minnie begins the lesson causing all conversations to die down almost immediately other than Sirius and Marlene who continue to whisper excitedly about the party.
James goes through the motions throughout the day, taking notes in most of his classes and spending his free time with the other Marauders. The day flies by without a hitch but sadly James didn't so much as catch a glimpse of Evan Rosier the rest of the day. James lays awake staring at the top of the curtains that surround his bed, his mind refusing to quiet. His thoughts are full of the normal anxious feelings that he knows aren't rational, but he can never get them to stop, they tend to spark at random times and sometimes it's because of something so little such as a friend seeming a bit distant or a conversation that James feels went wrong on his end. Logically he knows that his racing thoughts are irrational and that he hasn't done anything wrong nor is anyone actually mad at him but sometimes he can't help but believe otherwise and the last few weeks have been just like this. He can't talk to anyone about it because he knows the way his friends will react; they'll be worried for him, and it will all just become some big thing that he'll never be able to get away from. It's unfair of him to ask his friends for reassurance over something that's only happening in his head.
However, it's at night that he feels it the most, the loneliness even though he's surround by his friends at all times damn near. James just feels it all so deeply and the longer his mind wonders on the possibilities of things he might have said wrong or why one of his friends seems more distant, well the deeper he falls into the blackhole in his mind. He feels as if he's got two sides of his mind sometimes, the rational part that knows he's done nothing and that there isn't anything he needs to fix but the otherside makes him doubt even that. Because that side tells him that he's not wanted, that he did something to make his friends angry, or that he said the wrong thing in a conversation and it runs through his mind all night making it difficult to sleep sometimes but he can't voice these concerns to his friends because they'll worry or they'll think he's down right nuts. The same way he does sometimes when it gets bad.
Hours pass and he continues to stare, his mind beating itself silly until finally his body just shuts down from the exhaustion of the day. Hopefully he'll wake up in time for his daily routine otherwise he might just go crazy.