Velvet Bond

Christmas 1966,

The Black family decided to spend the Christmas in France, but well- for them Christmas was only a festivity in which invite some guests and talk about the same topics, like blood purity, power and work.
It was the best moment in which form alliances and thinking of the future, make the sons meet, organize some weddings, some arranged marriages and all that-

Things that Sirius found extremely boring.

He didn't understand anything about that and he couldn't make the effort of staying in and still all day, listening to his parents talk and give him angry looks because he was too fidgety or too talkative.

Boring, boring, boring.

So, after hours of wining and blabbing, he was finally able to obtain the permission from his parents to go outside and play a bit with his brother regulus.
It was really an achievement for him.
Finally, finally they could do something tangible.

Sirius, was the adventurous type, always eager to explore, while Regulus, still little, was more cautious, preferring the comfort of familiar surroundings, he didn't give a fuck to his parents talking he like to draw or to read a child book and he could stay still for all day, without complain.
But he managed to convince him to go outside.
Not that it was that difficult, Regulus loved him, Regulus loved playing with his brother, Sirius was the only one who could bring Reggie out of his shell and he was very honored about this.

They were the best.
Brothers.
Companions.
Friends. Best friends.

Where one went the other went too.
They were always together, even though Regulus was little and his legs still short, he could manage to follow him everywhere.
And Sirius was his big brother.
Sirius would protect him to death.
Regulus was his.

So they went out, the landscape beautiful, France under the snow was something to see, the white blanket that seemed to almost glow under the early afternoon sun, the flakes that came down copiously tickling his nose and resting all over him, giving him a kind of tickle. Regulus' smile that equaled the whiteness of the snow.
It was not usual for Sirius to see his brother so free, carefree, and he smiled with him because Regulus was just so cute, so innocente, so pure.

"Hey, Regulus, catch this!" Sirius exclaimed the brother, tossing a snowball towards him. But it wasn't a snowball; it was a cunningly packed ball of ice.
Sirius smirked.

"'Hlow" Regulus slushed a bit, laughing. His brother had a problem with the S that made him cuter than he already was. He was a chummy child, so much so that everyone tried to tackle and cuddle him, his mother obviously thought that it was very embarrassing as a Black because they must be always put together and all that shit, so she was upset every time it happened but Sirius thought that it was just so nice.

"Good! Now you do it!" Sirius shouted when Regulus caught the ball and the they both laughed when Regulus tried to do another and throw it at him, falling into his steps.

"Come on Reggie" he screamed starting to run away from Reggie and his little brother quickly decided to follow him, laughing his heart out and Sirius was just so happy, happy, happy to hear him laugh like this. Because he did deserve that.

And he loved Regulsu so much.
So fucking much.
He would have died for him on the spot.
He- eh would have gone everywhere for him-

"'Irius!" They stop in the proximity of the lake to take breath and well-

"I love you so much Reggie-" Sirius said with a big grin smile. He loved him, he loved him, he loved him, he loved him.

"I-" but even before he could say anything he was pushed in the iced lake by their cousin who laughed maniacally. His brother eyes big and scared, his lips trembling, his hands trying to hold himself up, but he fell nonetheless.

And that was when-

Well- when the hell started.

And Sirius- he would blame himself because if he had not been so annoying and if he had stayed inside the house, behaving like a good child, like he was supposed to do and he should not had insisted to go out.
And- Well- his brother would have been fine, okay, and he wouldn't have been so scared.

Bellatrix probably went out to call them, but evidently she thought better of it and when she caught up about their excitement, like the jealous git she was, she pushed his brother in the middle of the lake.
She couldn't support joy or happiness.
She was just a cunt.
A fucking and crazy cunt.
Even when she was younger.

Regulus was still unaware of the danger lurking beneath the frozen surface, he was just trying to understand his surroundings.

He was five.

He was five and Bellatrix pushed him to scare him, but the ice was thin, thin, thin and it was cracking, like his heart in that moment.

He- he didn't- he couldn't- Regulus.

He had one thought in that moment.
Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus, Regulus.
Just him.

"REGULUS! What are you doing you witch!" But Bellatrix only laughed and entered in the house humming under her breath.

"Good luck, the ice is thin"

And well- With a sudden a louder crack, the ice gave way, swallowing Regulus into its icy depths. He found himself tumbling into the icy depths of the lake, his cries for help muffled by the chilling embrace of the water. Panic seized the air as Sirius, his older and more agile cousin, sprang into action. With swift determination, he braved the freezing waters, reaching out to pull Regulus from the icy grip below.
"'irius!" His brother screamed.

Without a moment's hesitation, Sirius sprang into action, his instincts overriding any fear or doubt. With swift determination, he plunged into the icy depths, reaching for his struggling brother.
The icy water stung Reggie's skin, numbing his limbs as Sirius struggled to keep him afloat. With every ounce of strength, he fought against the frigid currents, refusing to let go of his brother to the icy embrace of the lake.

"Reggie! Take my hand! Quick!"

Shivers racked their bodies as the biting cold gnawed at their senses.
"Regulus!" cried again Sirius, his heart pounding with fear as he watched his younger brother plunge into the freezing waters. Regulus was going down, he didn't know how to swim, and the water was so cold-

"Grab my hand, Regulus! Hold on tight!" Sirius urged, his voice tinged with urgency as he extended his hand towards his frightened sibling.

Save Regulus. Sirius repeated it like a prayer, like he could force it to come about through sheer will power. Like his arm could gain strength with his mind.

But he couldn’t. Sirius couldn’t even muster up that will, the iron control that usually let him push past his limits, play until his arms burned, fight until he won. Now his body wanted to give up, wanted to lie on the floor and scream and scream and scream like he hadn’t done in a decade.

Regulus, gasping for air and trembling with cold and fear, grasped Sirius's hand with all his might, clinging to him like a lifeline.
"'irius! I'm scared"
He was almost under the water, his arm incapable of pulling him on.

"SOMEONE! SOMEONE CAN COME?" he screamed with all of his lungs, he screamed for someone to hear him but no one. No one came. No one was able to hear him.
"PLEASE ANYONE!"

His brother's kin was becoming almost blue, his lips trembled he wanted to cry but Reggie wasn't even able to do that.
"irius-"

"Shh- I know- I know that it's scaring but I'm here- I'm here. I'll save you- we'll be okay."

"My- my h-hands- I'm cold" he felt his brother letting go a bit and he panicked. No.
No. It meant that his brother's life was over if he let his hand go.

"Please. Please, Regulus I know- a little bit- a little bit. It's okay-" and he had to be stronger.
He had to save him.
He had to save his little brother.
Please, please,please, let me save him.
Please, please, please.

With a herculean effort, Sirius pulled his brother to safety, his own strength waning against the icy currents. As they collapsed onto the snowy shore, panting and shivering, relief flooded over him like a warm blanket.
But he couldn't wait. His brother was immobile. He didn't seem to even breathe, his lips blue, his skin blue, his fingers straight as icicles, his legs trembling, his hands red.

"Come on Reggie, come on!" But he didn't move.
He couldn't move.
He was almost frozen almost to death. So he had to carry him inside, and he did. He did because he had to. Because it was his bother and he would save him.

So Sirius quickly took him inside, freezing to death, his pale turned blue, he's not sure Regulus was still breathing anymore, he just- he just have to- have to- have to-

"Please! Please save him!" He didn't drop a single tears out there, he needed to be strong for his brother but now Regulus was catatonic and he's crying for him.

"What happened?" Was his mother first question, addressing them with his glaze, Sirius felt a shiver along his back, there wasn't an int of worry in her eyes and that scared him. regulus was trembling in his hands and their mother were witnessing it without doing a thing.

"Bellatrix pushed him! Please Mother help him!" He explained quickly.
They had to help him.
They had to help him.
The had to help him.

"It's not good to act like this in front of guest, Sirius you already know that" and right there Sirius understood that his mother didn't give a single fuck about them
That he hated them.
That Regulus could have died that day and she would have gone on like always.

Fortunately there was his uncle.
"Shut up Walpurga, I couldn't believe you are thinking of this when your son is dying at your feet" he quickly got up and tried to warm Regulus, who looked worsened than before. And before was already bad.

"If Bellatrix did push him, she did good. My sons needs a little of backbone. And Regulus doesn't have any" his father said instead, and Sirius couldn't believe at that.
He was only six years old, he didn't see any other family, but he felt that this was so wrong.
Child must be cherished.
Child must be loved.
And hey we're not.
They were hated.

"Mother, please mother, he- he needs-"

"Shut up, Sirius. I already told you that it's not good. Bring him upstairs and shut up. I'll come when the dinner is finished and the guest have left."

Regulus whimpered in pain and he hated to hear that sound but it meant that he was still alive.
"Burning" Regulus was crying now, or he was trying to but tears were frozen out of his eyes, they didn't drop and- well- it was terrifying.

"I can't believe you, you are pampering him!" His mother huffed going away and Alphard shook his head unbelieving her behavior. "He deserved it, probably. Too weak"

"Come on Sirius let's take him upstairs. He needs to be warm, let's turn a bath" his uncle said to him and he carried Regulus as a sack of sand to his room, trembling and sobbing, his head on the crotch of his uncle neck.
Regulus was so still that for a moment Sirius wasn't sure if he was alive, but when his uncle moved to warm the bathroom and to make the water go the- well Regulus just blown up.

"DON'T! DON'T- DON'T- DON'T" he seemed out of himself, screaming and getting away from then, just to fall some step further, his legs almost immobile, frozen, out.
It was not him.
This was not his brother, the same guy who didn't blink, who didn't talk who didn't cry even when he was little.
Sirius watched him with wide eyes and even his uncle was paralyzed there.
"PLEASE! I'LL BE GOOD! PLEASE"
And Sirius tarted crying again trying to reach for his brother, so traumatized, so scared, so afraid. And it was his fault, only his. Because he was the one who insisted to go out, he was the one who wanted to play.
"I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, PLEASE, PLEASE"

Sirius whole body ached. Sirius swayed as he stood on the ledge, overlooking the situation scared and useless as his brother was crying his panic out.
He opened his mouth and wondered if he would scream after all.
It was a distant thought, as if he was wondering it about someone else.
But nothing ever came anyway.

"Shh- Reggie- hey Reggie- Hey. You are at home, you are safe. Please breathe.” He tried to say but Regulus seemed to not understand a word. He wanted to cry, cry and cry. Oh Regulus, oh dear Reggie.
Sirius clawed his fingernails into the skin of his arm, until the pain grounded him in the moment. He would not fall to pieces when his brother needed him. He would not.

"No- no- no please- no please- water" he was trembling, his lips blue, he needed to get warm he needed to calm down, he needed to be covered.
His uncle stop the bath, opting for a blanked to put on him.

"Okay, okay. No water. See? It's all good. Don't you trust me Regulus? I'm here."
And for a moment Regulus just blinked, his eyes red, his lips stilla bit blue.
Regulus just blinked.
Without really breathing.
Then he moved a little, to go and hug him.
Sirius caught him before he fell forward, before his legs gave out on him and he took Reggie under his blanked, on the bed.
He tried to warm him the best he could, their uncle there, near them, assisting Regulus the best he could, with spells who kept him warmer.

"I trust you"
Regulus said before closing his eyes, so tired, and he caressed his head until his own heartbeat calmed down, until his eyes burned with the image of his brother.
He almost lost him there. He almost saw him disappear under the water, under the ice.
And right now he couldn't let his gaze away from him, scared that if he didn't look for one moment Reggie would disappear away. Away from him.
And he couldn't lose him.
He couldn't lose his little brother.

"Uncle, how do we do with our mother? She doesn't- she will- obly him- and-" the image of their mother flashed in front of his eyes, the way she would have took his brother and make him bath forcefully. The way she would call him weak, making him cry.
He couldn't breathe.
He couldn't breathe.
He needed to protect him, to save his little brother.

He was having a panic attack like his brother did.
His mother would have killed Reggie.
His mother hated them, his mother would have drown him herself.

And his uncle seemed to think the same, because he spread open his eyes, trying to reassure him but from his mouth nothing was coming out.
"Don't worry right now Sirius. I'll think of something. Sleep a bit" his uncle put a hand on his shoulder, smiling a bit, and Regulus scooted neared, snuggling his nose against his neck and finally Sirius smiled a bit too.

And this- this was the day Regulus Black began to be afraid of water.
And it was all Sirius Black's fault.

-------------------

Sirius had been that scared only twice in his life.
And this was the second time.

Moody entered the room bringing the bloodied body of Remus and everyone quickly moved to make him some space, to put Moony on the couch, while Marlene - maybe it wasn't her - called for Poppy to come there as quickly as possible

“What the fuck - oh my God. Remus!?” Lily screamed.
Sirius turned, following the body who was gettin treated.
Sirius turned so quickly, sharp enough to crack some joints, to find Moody and James struggling under most of Remus’s weight. Remus was completely collapsed on him, and Sirius could easily see the bruises, the injuries on his chest, the cuts on his hands, on hid arms, on- on everything.

They took him, washed him out some of the blood, distended him, fetched him some healing potion, they tried the most to prepare him at Poppy's arrival.
But Remus never- never opened his eyes.

And Sirius just watched.
"Remus" he whispered so softly that no one heard him.
God, Sirius was about to fucking explode. He was fucking useless sitting here, just like he’d been useless sitting here for the past week that led to this.

Sirius just watched as Lily tried to do something healing spells, she was the better one of them at that.
"Remus" he whispered again, he couldn't bring his voice to be more audible than that, on that couch there was Moony, his Moony who- who was dying?
Who was dead?

Sirius just watched.
His breath almost stopping, his eyes out of his head, he couldn't. He couldn't- he couldn't- he couldn't- please, please, please-
"Remus" he said for the third time, moving for the first time a step near him, James took him by the arms, conducting him nearer, guiding him like he was a blind man, like he needed actual support, like he was going to crumbled there, in front of that couch, in front of his man.

And now he was nearer and from prospective everything was even worse.
His- his skin was blue from the cold, red from the blood, blue from the injuries and the blood loss- it was almost like a painting- but they were all wrong. Not one shade was right on that body.
“Remus!” Sirius said again, taking one unsteady step back. Why he wasn't responding?
Why, why, why?
Remus, please, Remus, just- just talk to me- Remus, Remus, Remus, Remus, Remus.
I'm here, I need you safe, alice.

“ 'irius” he finally gasped, opening his eyes for the first time, but he wasn’t looking at Sirius. He wasn’t looking at James, either. Not so much as he was looking through him. Remus couldn’t seem to focus his eyes, glassy and shining.
And Remus' breaths were ragged, catching on tears, and his face was a mess, too, though not as much as his hands, his chest, his legs.

Everyone else stood in the hallway entry as if in shock, staring at their friends.

“What the fuck, Remus can you hear me?” Moody said this time. He’d gotten his arms on Remus, trying to get his attention and a brutal instinct took over him.
Sirius was now lowering himself at Remus, torching Moody's arm from his boyfriend.

"Don't touch him" he gritted with his teeth, in his eyes a rage no one ever saw, and Moody thought better than challenge him.
Protect him, protect him, protect him, his mind was screaming.

“What happened to you, what-” Remus shook his head unable to talk, to think and Sirius could see him letting go. His shoulders sagged, his head bowed as he caught his breath. Forehead pressed to his chest. Blood that was messing his clothes, his senses, his head.

Sirius choked on his own lightning-sharp anger.
He was too late. He waited too long and now he was too late. He decided to talk to him again after the full moon, he decided to confront him later, to let this once pass and then resolve everything- instead- instead he got Remus injured like this.
Moony probably felt alone, sad, angry, excited, without his pack, without his friends.
So it was his fault. He wanted to scream and cry but right now Remus needed him.

He was alive. And this what all mattered to him.

“Remus,” he said, taking his boyfriend arm to pull him closer.
“Hey. Remus. Hey. You are at home, you are safe. Please breathe with me. Stay awake. We are here, we are here, I'm with you. Can you hear me?”

Remus blinked away his wince and finally, finally focused. His face fell slack as he recognized Sirius and reached for him, shaky with pain and exhaustion, and let himself down into his lap.

Moody followed close enough to look at Remus over with a newly critical eye. Still a little panicked, but remembering enough to look for real injury.
Sirius knew nothing about making this better, but he did his best with the first things that came to mind - tucking Moony against his chest, holding one hand out carefully to examine the damage.
It was bad. It was bad, bad, bad.

"I. Killed. Greyback" he said after some minutes, barely breathing, a whisper in the thin air but enough to get all the room froze. And Moody cursed every words he could think of, and they were a lot.
Greyback?
Greyback.
Greyback was there yesterday.
Yesterday Moony fought Greyback.
Greyback, Greyback, Greyback.
The worst fear of Remus, the man he despised the most, the one who started his nightmares was there yesterday.

"You. killed. Greyback." Remus said after and everyone was even more confused.
But Remus was still too vacant, his breath rugged, his eyes missed him and everyone else in the room, his lips bleeding as the rest of his body, his lungs probably punched, they couldn't took his words. They were probably caused but the blood loss or the injury at his head.

"Who. Lupin! What me! Who killed Greyback!" And Remus winced away, his eyes blinking awake, his breath coming out raggedy, whimpering in pain, letting out a scared cry and Sirius felt a rage in his bones that scared even himself.

"Shut up Moody. Not now. Don't you see he's fucking out of himself?" Dorcas said, her fists clenching and Sirius was fucking grateful because he would have hit Moody without a fucking second thought.
But instead he decided to think about Remus.

Remus knuckles were torn and bloody. The rest of his hand was slashed through with something sharp, smearing yet more blood against his palm. His body- he didn't even want to start listening at the injuries on his body.

And at that Poppy appeared, like a fucking vision.

She didn't even waited two second before starting gettin out everything from her purse. Her hands were trembling a bit, her breath rough, but she was working meticulously on Remus body, looking with her eyes and assessing at his injuries.

“Fucking hell-, Sirius, move from there! Get me another kit from the bathroom! Lily here! I need you to prepare something for me, right now. Sirius stay here and keep him wake! He couldn't lose consciousness until I assess his head injury.”

The shuffling from the hallway must have been Lily doing just that, Sirius wasn’t really paying attention but he motioned near Remus' body like a machine. Automatically.
“Remus,” he said, trying to keep him awake him a little. Remus groaned, closing his eyes and he tapped his cheek lightly because he couldn't- couldn't let him fall asleep.

"Remus please, stay awake for me" but his voice trembled, he was scared out of himself and Remus must have heard that because he snapped his eyes open.

“Don’t worry Pads,” Remus managed with his voice rough and breathless.
“I’m fine-” but then he tensed, opening his teary eyes, but he was not looking at anything, he cried again a mix between pain and suffering.
“He was behind me. Sirius- he was there- he” his breath increased, his chest was moving like crazy and that- that was not good, he cried in pain again, trying to put a hand on his torso but Poppy was working on that spot and kept Remus' hand away.
Remus moved again- he was only getting his injuries worse.

"Sirius, keep him calm- I need him awake but not like this!" Poppy said seriously, working with every bone she had in her body. And fuck-

“No, Remus, no, no, no” he said trying to calm him down. “He’s not here anymore. You’re at James' house, I’m watching the door. He won’t get to you. Okay? I'm here, I'm here love. I'm here.”

Remus stilled under his hands, pausing and assessing his surroundings before nodding weakly, his eyes closing again.
"No, no, no talk to me, Remus, talk. Anything- stay awake."

“Gonna- back- have to- Tom- Tom - pack- there- alpha- me” Remus said with a lot of effort, words that didn't make a lot of sense in his head, what was he trying to say? But it was better than nothing.

"Remus don't think about that, you'll not have to go back again- don't worry-"

But Moody caught up to that like mouse with cheese.
"Yes- he'll need to go and make them follow you as soon as possible be-"

“He will not,” Monty said sharply coming into his peripheral vision.
Monty and Effie were bringing Harry at home for the morning.
From- how much- what did they see?
How long had he been there watching?

"What?" Moody said, watching him with his two big eyes.

"He'll- fucking hell Moody- are you seeing him? He will not return there. I'll protect him with my life if I have" Monty gritted out, his composure almost gone.

"This is our occasion" Moody started to explain like he was talking to a toddler who didn't understand the gold he had in his hands. "Greyback is dead- I think- and he can finally make them follow him. With the werewolves we can finish this war-"

"I don't fucking care, he's like a son to me. He will never- return there. Not if the price to pay is his life"

"You are exaggerating. He's fine. He's still breathing and I call that fine. And moreover Albus will not be-"

"Albus can go and fuck himself for all I care. He should came here. Where he is? And you are calling bleeding yourself out on a couch fine? If you didn't- how did he return?"
And well- Monty- fuck- he was raging against Moody like he never did.
And- go- fuck- go.
We are not games, we are not dolls, we are not pawns who can be sacrificed.

"Someone send me a patronus, I thought of James because it was a-"

"Sirius-" Remus said interrupting their dialogue.
"Can- hold- hand-" he stretched out his hand. "Like you did there?"
And Sirius like everyone else froze.
And what?-

"What? There? Where?"

"Shelter. You said that- you would forgive me if I- if I would keep my eyes open" and he shrugged arching his eyebrows.
What the hell was he saying?
He was not there.

"Confusion can be common with a lot of blood loss. I don't know what he saw there while injured, he couldn't have imagined you, when I'll replenish his blood he'll be better and understand what really happened" Poppy said, arching her eyebrows with him. "But- I think that- well. he seems better- he talks a bit-"

But well- not for long.

Remus was in pain and exhausted. Most of the cuts were deep and bloody, broken skin on his knuckles must have been from fighting back, broken bones - Sirius thought mostly the ribs - and scratches. So he closed his eyes.
And well- he didn't open them again, for a lot of time.
"Let him sleep" Poppy said suddenly and Sirius just nodded but as the hours passed and Remus didn't wake up he became more anxious. He was scared that his head injury was worse than- but Poppy was the best. So he just had to trust her.

But time passed.

And it passed again.

Time.

So much time.

Too much time.

Too much- Remus- Remus- Please- wake up-
He didn't know how many hours passed but he needed him to wake up. He needed to see his hazel eyes, to see his gaze on him, to look at him.

And Sirius didn’t let himself move while Poppy returned to see his injuries,his scrapes almost all closed, new scars would be formed but- well- he didn't care, Sirius liked them.
Because they were a part of Remus he couldn't say they were pretty but they formed him and he loved all of him.So even when Remus thought to be someone ugly, he cherished him with kisses and praises and well- Remus melted at that.
He was tough but not about his look.

James had retreated again first he bounced through the room and hummed and then he sat on his heels near the couch. James hadn’t taken his eyes from Remus. And he looked as haunted as him.
Sirius knew about James' problems once he returned from the hospital and he couldn't imagine what was going on inside his head right now.

So Sirius wanted to say so many things to confort him, but right now he didn't have any strength. He just wanted to cradle into his best friend's arms and cry his eyes out.
Sirius almost lost himself in his thoughts right then and there, holding Remus when he could, when Poppy let herself rest for a bit, when she couldn't do anything else, before James cut in with a kind but demanding tone,

“Padfoot.”

Sirius slowly realized he was holding a bit too tightly Remus hands.
Remus had tensed in his arms, opening his eyes a bit out of him and he let him go immediately.
"Sorry I didn't mean honey" but Remus turned his face into Sirius's hands and hoodie to wipe his eyes from former tears and the drying blood that had been left there.

“Sirius,” Remus said. His voice was breathless, but steadier.
“I know you- Don’t - don’t get angry, it wasn’t your fault, okay?”

It was, it was Sirius' fault.

“Nothing’s messing with his movements,” Poppy said and she seemed really exhausted. “So even though the injuries were deep nothing like a tendon or anything sliced. I just don’t know how far up the cuts go or about his head injury. You must keep it checked very carefully.”

“I feel like shit-” Remus whispered roughly, blinking his eyes open.

Poppy glanced up to his face, preoccupied.
“Well- I mean- you scared us Remus. You could have died if Moody didn't came right in time and they called me immediately. You- it was bad-"
But Remus didn't hear that part, Remus drifted into sleep once again, he couldn't even thank Poppy and he always thanked here for all of their work.

“Merlin Remus, you scared us” Lily muttered in disbelief, caressing his cheek while he slept through it. This was the first time they saw him like this, so- so devastated.
She tended to Remus with a gentleness he wasn’t sure he was physically capable of anymore, too preoccupied, too angry, too worried, too sad.

"We are so glad you are alive" James whispered, his voice broken like he was stopping himself from crying.

"You should call his mum" Sirius muttered and Monty nodded, getting the phone, something they used to talk with Remus' mum who was muggleborn and didn't have anything portkey in the house.

And Sirius zoned out again while he waited.
And waited again.

And he felt so bad because he couldn’t help the pain, or the aching, or the exhaustion or whatever must be going on in Remus’ head now. Remus had fought so hard and maybe he didn’t even know he was safe yet, maybe- maybe- no Greyback was dead.

Was he really?

Or Remus mind did a bad joke to him and to his memory?
And if Remus wasn’t holding onto him, Sirius would already have been out, following the drops of blood, the scent that Remus must have left as Padfoot.
If Greyback wasn't dead, today he would surely be.

Sirius needed to go out.
To revenge him.
But he was on the verge of a panic attack and Remus needed to sleep so he let him alone for some time. He wanted to go in the bathroom and puke everything, he wanted to scream out his lungs against Moody and Albus.
Why they were doing this to him?
Why, why, why?

First his brother.
Then Peter.
After James and Lily.
Now Remus.

What- what that the fate wanted from him again?
What the hell did he have to give him again?
Please, please, please, just stop, let everything stop.

"I can't, I can't, I can't anymore" he posed his head on the sink of the bathroom.
He bit his lips he didn't want to cry, or he would explode. He press the back of his hands into his eyes to prevent him from crying. "Stop, stop, stop, I can't be like this anymore, I can't it's too difficult."

Please, stop that mother fucker, stop everything, stop the war, stop the pain, sto the death, stop the time.
He wanted to go back, to when they shared a room at Hogwarts, when they laughed at midnight jokes, when they partied all night, when they planned pranks, when they were given detention.
Everything- literally he missed everything from that time.
"Stop, stop, stop, stop, please, stop" he sobbed into his hands, kneeling in front of the bath on the cold floor, trying to stop himself from going absolutely crazy.
He couldn't do it anymore, the thoughts were too many, his head was exploding, his temples were hurting like hell. He couldn't- stop, stop, stop, to many memories, too many- please- stop.

In and out.
In and out.
In and out.

Sirius went down in the kitchen, almost mechanically, tears still on his cheeks.
He knew what he could do to stop the thoughts.
Yes, It was something crazy.
Yes, he shouldn't do that right now.
But Remus was sleeping, and he needed to stop his head from functioning.

He really couldn't stay sober for another hour.

Poppy was resting, explaining what she did to Lily. Monty was rounding around Remus while watching Moody. James was with Harry. And Marlene had Dorcas in her embrace.
So he had free way. He wanted to drink every ounce of alcohol he would found in that house, he wanted to forget everything for some hours, he wanted to feel numb, to not think, to- to-

But not everything went as planned.

James, the usual James.
"Sirius” James said, following after him. “We’re worried about you.”

“There will nothing to worry about in a minute.” Sirius opened the cabinet and pulled out a fresh bottle of whiskey, trying to decide if he had to drunk it with a glass or from the bottle itself.
James yanked it out of his hand.
“You do not want to fuck with me right now James.”
A strange gleam in Sirius' eyes, but James was not scared of him, instead he was worried sick for him so he didn't back up, the fool.

“I’m worried about you.”

“I do not want nor need your worry.” Sirius reached for the bottle but James yanked it out of his grasp and threw it on the ground, letting it bust. Sirius stared at the mess, feeling a horrible maniac laugh bubble in his throat. He clenched his fists, trying to calm the anger radiating through his body.
“James,” he warned. "Don't-"

"Come here, Sirius. Stop this bullshit-" James opened his arms at him. "Come here, come on."
He watched him for a few second before grabbing him tight, his arms circling his torso with strength, he loved James' hug, he loved that he hugged him like he depended on it.
And whatever wall he had been trying to keep up, broke. Whatever thing he was trying to hide from him crumbled at his feet.
He inhaled painfully on a sob he tried to contain while tears coated his cheeks, again.

Sirius was very adamant of never being seen like this.
Because he couldn't- he couldn't, couldn't, couldn't.
It felt like his heart was breaking.

This was his fault. He caused this. If he hadn’t been so goddamn selfish, maybe Remus wouldn’t have been in the wreck in the first place. If he hadn't treated Remus like shit for a week maybe he would have stayed at Hogwarts for the full moon, with Pads and Prongs.
If he had been a better partner maybe Remus would have told him about his missions.
If he had been a better friend maybe Remus wouldn't have questioned him being the traitor.

"It's my fault- it's everything- I'm to blame- I'm" James watched him in pure horror and he sank in his arms even more.

“Don’t-” James says sternly. “Don’t start blaming yourself. It’s not your fault. Merlin, how could you even think like that?" But Sirius already knew that. "Remus- Remus will never think that of you." He was not sure about that, he would soon see if Remus wanted to see him again or not. He fucked up.

But Sirius right now, couldn’t focus on problems he couldn’t fix.
For now, he had to focus on getting Remus the help he needed. He dried his tears on James shoulder and he was ready to go there, again.

"It's okay James- I'm fine- I'm better. Let's- let's go to Remus, now. My silly thought is gone, sorry. I don't want to drink my weight in alcohol anymore. Forget that. I must be strong for Remus."

"If you need a break I can understand, we are all here-"

"No- Remus is too injured, I can't be- I can't stay away now." James nodded insecure.
He was not sure himself.
But he was pretty sure that Remus needed him now, so- well they could only go ahead.
Never back up.

"Sirius" Remus mumbled, just opening his eyes a little to watch him and he smiled at his boyfriend. He was- really better than before. A little bit of color was returning in his cheeks. The blood was washed off.
"Sirius- I'm- where am I?"

Poppy watch him from the other side of the couch, if she noted his red eyes she didn't say anything.
"I think he's catching up with everything that's happened. His mind didn't have had the time yet and he's doing it now." And Sirius nodded.

"Greyback- he-" Remus shivered, they all saw his skin get up, like he was remembering everything and he quickly placed himself near him.

He swallowed hard and said, “Do you not trust me Moony? I’m right here. I’ll protect you. No one else will lay a finger on you, I promise. Greyback is far from here. You killed him, right?” He held his hand out towards Remus in silent question. Remus took his hands without a second doubt, but he didn't respond him, like he was thinking at something.

"I trust you" he whispered then, closing his eyes, Sirius' hands near his chest, his breath still a bit rough. "Can you stay here?" He mumbled again after a little and Sirius almost started to cry again.

“I’m right here," Sirius whispered. "I’m not going anywhere." Remus body sagged against his, hands fisted into Sirius hoodie, well- Remus hoodie that he was using as his.

As Sirius watched Remus got his sleep he selfishly wanted to hold him and never let him go.
But he already knew that even with Monty's treat Albus would need Remus.
They needed him to turn all the packs.
And- and only Remus could do that job, because he was the best.

But that didn't mean that Sirius would let him go so easily.