Evermore

Sirius

Sirius quickly fell straight into old tactics. He ran every morning. He skipped breakfast and only drank tea and smoked for lunch. At lunchtimes his friends often found him already at their spot in the great hall pouring over a hurricane of homework and assignments and sculling tea, a nearly finished plate of lunch he had arranged off to the side. There could be no suspicions. At dinner he joked and teased, complained about exams, hyped James up for his quidditch matches and ate dinner, properly ate dinner. Yet his head was swimming with everything he needed to remember. He counted the calories of every single bite, making sure to chew it at least 20 times. He made sure his friends’ plates were full, that he was always eating less than them.

But Sirius couldn’t argue that he was unhappy and he no longer felt so afraid. He hated himself and he hated the way he looked but he was changing that, his restriction had become such a clean cut routine that he didn’t feel unhappy or fixated. He was in control. He knew what food was served each day and how to reserve his calories for big meals. He stuck to his calorie limit and he punished himself if he didn’t; sit ups or cuts. He was, for all intents and purposes, happy. He just didn’t realise how conditional that happiness was. He was happy if his stomach was empty, if he kept below his calorie count for the day. He was happy if he ran until he went dizzy or if he went to bed seeing stars. Mostly he was happy around Remus. Remus who would understand if Sirius didn’t want to talk about his brother, who would distract him from that pain in other, happier ways. He was in fact, happy around all the Marauders, especially as James began planning for their pre-exam prank, the final one for the year. He told the boys he had a plan, they just needed to trust him whilst he finished the research. Within two weeks, as the November days were waning and the chill and cheer of December was within sight, Sirius had reached his goal weight. He was back to 55kg but as he stood in front of the mirror he didn’t feel skinnier. He didn’t look skinnier. He didn’t have a thigh gap and he couldn’t see his ribs and he could still pinch those mountains of fat along his thighs, his arms and his stomach. So he decided to keep going. It wasn’t a big deal, all he wanted was a thigh gap and then he’d maybe eat at breakfast or lunch. Maybe. Two days after reaching this weight, his cast was taken off and he was allowed to play quidditch again, he was conscious that he couldn’t keep up the façade of his running anymore but the tri-weekly training schedule should have burnt enough calories. He cut down his dinner allowance just to be safe. And Merlin knows he was burning calories elsewhere.

Sirius’ first match back against Hufflepuff was a smashing success, together he and Marlene stopped every bludger from hitting their friends. Sirius knew James would want to celebrate accordingly and so had tried to fast all day, blaming it on nerves. It was a Thursday so most of Griffyndor had left the party early, leaving just the Marauders, Lily, Marlene and Mary in the common room. The fire was cackling as a Bowie record spun in the corner of the room, Remus and Sirius were sitting side by side on the carpet whilst the girls had taken the sofa. Pete was sprawled asleep next to James who had his back resting on the couch right next to Lily’s feet. Lily, in all her wits, had remained sober that night. James had not. Whilst Marlene and Mary sat discussing their various crushes of the month and the developments with Mary’s boyfriend Roman, James sat starry eyed, talking to Evan’s about anything she would listen to, quidditch, music, school and he listened as she told him all about muggles. Sirius and Remus, meanwhile, were sharing a cigarette and Sirius could feel the fire whisky sloshing around his empty stomach. Remus was sipping on a new bottle of the liquor and he could feel the room go fuzzier with every sip. With every sip he felt warmer and bolder. He took of his jumper, locking eyes with Sirius the whole time until he was just in his slightly sheer white tank, arms on full display. He didn’t mind this group seeing his scars, they all knew what he was and they all stayed regardless, but he did know that the scars did something different to Sirius who had stubbed out the cigarette and was playing nervously with his quidditch uniform. Sirius leaned in close until Remus could practically feel his tongue on his ear and then whispered, “fuck Moony, the things I want you to do me.”

Remus looked around wondering if anyone had noticed them but no one had turned around, they were still engaged in their own conversations and Pete was still snoring blissfully on the floor. This is going to be fun, he thought and turned around to face the fire, his back to his friends. “Padfoot,” he whispered back trying to keep his composure, “turn around.” Sirius turned to face the fire, their bodies still side by side and Remus leaned over, glancing around him before licking a strip from Sirius’ neck up to his ear asking, “and you don’t think that quidditch uniform does anything to me?”

Before he knew it Sirius felt a hand grab at his inner thigh. “Moony,” he said, his tone becoming a beg, dripping with desire.

“God the things you do to me Sirius. You played so well today, riding that broom so well…” Remus teased as he moved his hand further up, squeezing at the top of Sirius’ thigh eliciting a sharp gasp.

“Touch me Moony,” he begged.

“In front of all these people?” Remus teased.

“Merlin just, I need you.”

~

When Sirius woke up the sun was too bright, his body was too warm and his legs were too sore. And the noise! God that noise was too loud, it sounded like construction happening right there outside their bedroom door. Bang. Bang. Bang. And then he heard it. A high pitched, posh girls voice screaming: “If you boys don’t get up right now McGonnagall will have your necks!”

The banging continued for several minutes but no one else in the room seemed to stir. “Fine. Detention it is.” And with that Sirius heard Lily storm off. His eyes had had time to adjust to the sun and he noticed that he was staring at his bed, which meant…Merlin! He looked over to see Remus facing away from him, head under a pillow. Fuck, fuck, what if someone saw them? The curtain around their bed was closed but what if James or Pete had come looking for them last night? Oh fuck. Sirius quickly jumped out of Remus’ bed and stumbled towards the bathroom. Fuck. He stifled throwing up until he reached the toilet and gagged until his stomach was empty again. At least he had an excuse not to eat today. Lily was right though, they should probably get to class, maybe not first period but at least before lunch. So Sirius showered, avoided the urge to weigh himself, brushed his hair and teeth and walked out to find James shaking Pete and Remus looking less hungover than he should, he had that power.

The following Friday the boys had to serve detention but James spent the whole time researching ageing spells for his prank, which he was keeping a heavily guarded secret. Everything else was going according to Sirius’ plan, everything was under control. Though Quidditch was not burning the calories Sirius would have liked he found cutting back at dinner and doing sit ups in the bathroom was helping the weight loss, he could actually see himself looking slightly less fat. He liked to weigh himself every Sunday evening to start the week off knowing exactly what he had to achieve. He left dinner a few moments before his friends, went up to their dorm, weighed himself, punished himself and then showered. As he got up to leave the Great Hall this particularly Sunday Mary pushed him right back into his seat, whispering in his ear “wait. you have to stay for the surprise!”

“Surprise what surprise?”

“It’s Roman’s birthday.”

Sirius’ mind began to whirl, he looked around at James, Pete and Remus but none of them had any clue what was going on. Suddenly, Marlene was standing behind them, Mary’s boyfriend on her arm announcing, “the birthday boy has been procured.” And then he saw it. A three tier chocolate cake had appeared in front of Mary complete with candles and ‘Happy Birthday’ written in icing. Sirius wondered what Mary had promised the kitchen elves because they had really outdone themselves. As Mary began leading their gang in an off pitch rendition of happy birthday, Sirius tried to work through a plan. He didn’t have to eat the cake, he could just say he was full from dinner. Merlin, but it looked so good! One slice wouldn’t ruin anything. But once slice would ruin everything. He didn’t deserve it. Remus nudged him out of his trance asking if he wanted any cake.

“No thanks, I’m a bit full from dinner.”

“You didn’t eat that much dinner!” Mary interjected, “plus it’s chocolate, everyone knows that’s your favourite flavour!”

She was right and Remus was looking at him expectantly, “okay sure, just a small one,” he mumbled.

He felt sick the second he touched the cake, he knew how good it tasted but he didn’t want to give into it. He didn’t deserve it. Yet he finished off the plate, Merlin it was so tasty. He watched as all his friends finished off their slices and noticed as some of them left half their piece on the plate, Marlene had barely touched hers but Sirius’ plate was empty. An overwhelming feeling of fullness hit him like a tsunami, dread and panic washing over him. His leg shook violently under the table as he stared at the empty plate wondering what he had done. He stood up, trying to keep his breathing even. “Thanks Mary,” he mumbled, struggling to control the rising hyperventilation “I’ve ugh, I’ve… I haven’t done the charms homework for tomorrow, I’ll see you lads later.” And he almost sprinted out of the Great Hall.