“Sirius,” Regulus whispers into the phone, his voice as soft as the wind.
“Regulus.” Sirius returns, his voice harsh.
“How have you been?” Regulus once again says in a soft voice, his voice low, and as quiet as a whisper.
“Fine. You?” Asks Sirius. Regulus can hear Sirius tapping his foot against the floor as if he’s getting impatient with this call. Regulus should hurry up.
“I’m..yeah,” Regulus replies. He can’t make it much of anything than a dismissive reply “Sirius..I..I wanted to talk to you about something.”
Sirius scoffs into the phone “About you being a Death Eater? That’s funny.”
Regulus sighs and rubs his temple “Forget it.”
“No, no. Tell me what it is you wanted to say, that you couldn’t leave for what? You’re a coward.”
Regulus takes a deep breath, trying to maintain the voice and mannerisms he’s always been taught as a child.
“I’m sorry, Sirius.”
Regulus can hear Sirius opening his mouth, but nothing comes out except a short answer “Alright.”
It goes completely silent, you could hear a pin drop. Neither of them dare to hang up, that is until Regulus speaks “Do you forgive me..?” He asks, his voice impossibly soft, his voice so quiet, Regulus doesn’t even know if Sirius can hear him.
“No,” Sirius says immediately, that didn’t need much thought Regulus concluded.
It once again went silent, it was Regulus who broke the silence for the second time “I love you, Siri.” Regulus whispered, his voice even quieter, softer than ever.
After a few moments still no reply. Sirius had not said it back.
“Have a good day, Siri.”
“You too, Reggie.”
And then the phone line goes completely silent, no voice on the end of the other line, nothing, just silence.
Later, Sirius thinks. He’ll forgive Regulus later. When Regulus will soon find out that it is easier to live with him. When Regulus graduates from Hogwarts. When he no longer associates himself with the Death Eaters or the Dark Lord. Everything will be easier, happier, and calmer. Regulus and Sirius will go back to being Reggie and Siri.
Sirius walks to his friends, sitting in the middle of the couch, Remus on one end, James on the other, and Peter on the floor.
“So? Who was it?” James asks, his voice booming as usual.
“Regulus,” Sirius replies, plainly, fiddling with his fingers.
James goes incredibly stiff, his voice stuck in his throat.
The room goes silent “Are you alright Pads?” Peter asks.
“I-I’m not sure,” Sirius replies.
Remus scoots closer and puts his arms around Sirius, hugging him. Sirius hugs Remus back, the rest of his friends joining in on the hugging.
“I called him a coward.”
“Shh, it’s okay, Sirius.” Remus comforts.
“It’s not, he asked if I forgave him, and I said no.”
“Well…do you?” James asks.
“I..I don’t know.”
“It’s okay, Sirius. We promise. It’ll get better, yeah?” Peter says.
“Yeah.” Sirius agrees.
And soon, the four of them end up in bed, sleeping.
Remus coddles Sirius, in his bed. Sirius crying in his chest.
“He wanted to talk. I made fun of him. Remus, what am I to do?” Sirius asks, raising his head to look up at Remus.
“You and Regulus will eventually talk, he just..needs to figure out his life,” Remus replies.
“He called me Siri, that’s the first time he’s called me that in years.” Sirius sobs harder, his face in Remus’ chest.
“Shh, Sirius. Take a deep breath. Go to sleep.”
But Sirius doesn’t. “I should’ve told him I loved him back.” Sirius’ cries are louder now, he’s hyperventilating.
Remus caresses his head, his hand in his hair “Take a deep breath, Pads.”
And so Sirius takes a deep breath, trying to calm down, and eventually, he does. He goes to sleep.
Regulus had wanted to talk to Sirius about him possibly being able to go to Sirius. Regulus had changed his mind about his death, he no longer wanted to do this by himself, he wanted his brother to help him, but his brother didn’t want him.
-
He wanted to somehow tell him about everything, to reconcile. That wasn’t possible anymore. Because just as Sirius thought later, so did Regulus. When he had become a Death Eater just at sixteen he had thought later, he and his brother would become brothers later. He had thought that for years now, only for it not to come, for later not to come.
He’d go with his plan. Get Kreacher to change the lockets and leave him behind.
Except, Regulus had written a note, to Sirius, and James.
Surely they’d find it once his death would be confirmed. They’d search his room because they are invasive pieces of shits, and find the notes he had left for the two.
-
‘Black heir confirmed to be dead! See more on page one.’
“Remus! Remus! Moony! R-Regulus. He’s…he’s gone.” Sirius shouts, his eyes flooding with tears as Remus leaves the loo.
“What?”
Sirius shoves the paper into Remus’ hands.
Remus looks down and his gaze is piercing, he slams the parchment on the ground.
“Remus…he’s gone. I should’ve forgiven him.”
James and Peter rush in as they hear the screaming.
“What’s wrong!?” Peter yells.
“Regulus..is dead,” Remus replies as Sirius falls to the ground, unable to maintain his balance, he places his hand on his mouth as if it’s repugnant.
“What..?” James asks, his eyes teary.
“He’s dead, James. Dead.” Sirius replies.
James stood there, tears trickling down his cheek “You’re lying..how…how do you know..?”
Remus threw the parchment at James. James didn’t catch it, instead, Peter did. Reading it out loud for James.
“Black heir confirmed to be dead...” Peter read, his voice soft.
“No..no…it’s a lie,” James said over and over again. His voice was low.
James hadn’t given Regulus the chance to explain himself when he found out he was a Death Eater. Now, there was never going to be a chance. Never a later.
Both Sirius and James had thought there would be a later to convey their feelings. The both were far too wrong, for Regulus died the next day. Later never came, and it’ll never come. Sirius had wanted to become Regulus’ brother once again, to fix their relationship. A later to tell him that they loved him. That’ll never happen now.
James wanted to give Regulus a chance, once Regulus left Hogwarts, he would’ve given Regulus a chance to explain himself. That’ll never happen now.
-
And as Regulus predicted, they indeed searched his room.
“Sirius, have you found something?” James asks, his eyes puffy and red. Remus and Peter are searching too, not as thoroughly, nonetheless searching.
“I haven—James! Over here!” Sirius says, his voice carrying a sense of urgency, and so James rushes over, Peter and Remus not far behind.
“What did you fi—“ James got cut off by a slip of parchment being shoved into his chest, James’ mouth was a gaping hole as he looked down and slightly saw ‘James’ in cursive, a handwriting he knew all too well, it was Regulus’ handwriting.
James looked over at Sirius and saw Sirius also had one, his eyes already filling up with tears as he opened the piece of parchment.
Remus and Peter looked at each other, shrugged and went over Sirius and James’ shoulders to look.
James looked down at his piece of parchment, dreading to open it. But he summoned all his courage as a Gryffindor and opened it.
‘It’s been a while hasn’t it James? I know I’ll be dead long before you read this but please know that I have never lead you on, I truly loved you, when I said it I did love you and I still do. My death will be all over the paper won’t it? They’ll make up some dumb reason of how I died, which will not be true. I want you to know that I never intended to join the Dark Lord or be his favored servant. I went through with it not only for the safety of my family but for you and your friends. I’m sorry for making you think that I lead you on or that I didn’t love you, I truly did want and enjoy our relationship. Goodbye James, I love you.’
James’ eyes flooded with tears, his nose snotty, tears fell on the parchment as he quickly wiped away his tears to now avail, new tears would just emerge. ‘I should’ve said it back.’ Was all James could think about. James was hyperventilating, he couldn’t breathe. He wanted Regulus.
-
Sirius started to read his, his eyes flooding with tears.
‘I know I will be dead long before you read this, Siri, I’m sorry the call wasn’t longer, I didn’t have the confidence to continue it. I wanted to be your brother once again, for us to reconcile but that would never come. I’m sorry I joined the Dark Lord but I want you to know that I never intended to join him, all I wanted was the safety of my family, friends, and yours. I know I haven’t been a good brother, and I know you don’t forgive me but I hope you find it somewhere in your heart to forgive me soon. My death is all over the paper isn’t it? You’re in my room snooping around aren’t you? With your little friends. I hoped that I could’ve went to you, but I knew you wouldn’t want me after I got the Dark Mark, I’m really sorry for suddenly asking for your forgiveness. Goodbye Siri, I love you.’
Sirius fell to the ground, sobbing, his eyes red and puffy, he couldn’t breath, stop it, bring Regulus back, please. ‘I should’ve said it back.’ Sirius thought over and over again.
Remus and Peter quickly went to Sirius only to find James leaning on the wall, slowly falling to the floor, his face all wet with tears, note scrunched up in his hands. He slowly falls to the floor, his knees to his face.
Remus and Peter look at each other and as if out of instinct the both go to one, Remus going to Sirius, and Peter goes to James.
“Prongs,” Peter says softly as he walks over to James and crouches down next to him.
“Prongs,” Peter once again says, lifting James’ face up from his knees “James, calm down. Breathe.”
James looks up at him, his face unbearable red and wet “He loves me…I didn’t say it back.”
“James, calm down, take deep breaths.”
James doesn’t, instead he falls into Peters arms, his face in his shoulder as he cries “I didn’t say it back and he still loves me.” James chokes out.
“It’s okay, James. It’s okay.” Peter says in a calming voice.
-
“Remus, he thought I hated him, he thought I wouldn’t have welcomed him if he came to me.” Sirius cried.
Remus ran over to Sirius “Sirius.” Remus said as he walks to him. Remus wraps his arms around him as he places his head into his chest.
“Pads.”
“What did I do…? He apologized for asking for my forgiveness…why would he need to apologize for asking for my forgiveness.” He dug his face deeper in Remus’ chest “I’m a horrible older brother.”
“You aren’t, Sirius. You aren’t. You’re an amazing brother. Don’t call yourself horrible.” Remus comforts, his hand in Sirius’ hair.
Sirius takes a deep breath, trying to talk but stutters every time he tries.
-
the guilt would slowly eat Sirius away, even if years, centuries passed, if he became a star, he would never get the chance to say the pitiful words ‘I’m sorry, I love you.’
As would the guilt eat Sirius away, it would eat James away all the same, James would do anything to tell Regulus that he loved him as did Regulus tell him.
Regulus had died thinking that Sirius and James hated him.