He held his head high as he boarded the train. He is excited to get back to Hogwarts. Get back to pranks with his friends, the comfort of the castle, and back to his boyfriend, Regulus. He buzzes with excitement the whole train ride. He can’t just go and kiss Reg on the train. Their relationship is a closely guarded secret. Not even Sirius knows. His knee bounces up and down with anxiety. His hands are shaking a bit. It had been a long summer without Reggie, and he was devastated when Reg chose not to come home with him. He instead went back to his toxic childhood home. Sirius had escaped the past summer and begged Reg to come with him. He had refused. Summer with Sirius was great, but he missed his boyfriend.
They finally arrive at Hogwarts, and he catches a glimpse of Regulus as he gets off the train. His heart leaps, and he has to rip his stare away.
He impatiently waits through the whole feast and waits until everyone goes to sleep before he dashes down to the Room of Requirement. He opens the door to find Reggie standing there, looking solemn.
“Reg, what’s wrong?” He says confused.
“James, I have to tell you something,” He says, barely meeting his eyes.
His heart leaps. “I have to tell you something too! We should say it at the same time,” He says, hope edging into his voice.
Reg looks hesitant but doesn’t refuse.
“I love you,” He says as Reg says, “I got the dark mark over the summer.”
His heart drops. “What?” he squeaks out.
He pulls up his sleeve to show him, and sure enough, there it is, marring his perfect skin.
Instead of staring at the mark, he stares at the love of his life.
“Did you try to refuse?” He says hesitantly.
“....no,” he says, staring at the floor.
He doesn’t know what to say to that. He moves on to address what he said.
“Do you love me?” He says with a shake in his voice, begging him in his head to say it back.
He stays quiet.
His heart feels like it is imploding.
“Reg, tell me you love me; please tell me that you are in love with me the same way I am in love with you,” He begs, hoping to save this.
“... I’m sorry, James,” He says, making eye contact with him.
He feels like he is having a heart attack.
He doesn’t know if he is apologizing for the dark mark or not loving him, but it hurts all the same.
He stumbles back as a sob escapes his lips. He claps his hand over his mouth as tears build in his eyes. He stares at the man he loves through his tears. The man who doesn’t love him back just stares at him as he breaks right in front of him.
He turns slowly and exits the room. He wanders around the castle, cold and numb. He ends up back in his room, staring at the inside of his curtains, tears dripping down his face. He feels pathetic for begging him to love him. He wonders what he did wrong. Was he not enough for him? Was he not good enough to love?
He doesn’t get up for breakfast in the morning. It isn’t worth it. He doesn’t love him, and he can’t face him. Sirius tries to convince him to go to breakfast, but he just turns over and mumbles that he is going back to sleep.
He convinces himself to go to class, but he retains nothing. He is lost in his mind, wondering what is wrong with him.
That night, he starts to wonder if anyone loves him. If his own boyfriend doesn’t love him, do his friends love him? Do they even like him?
The last thought that crosses his mind before sleep takes him is ‘Am I even lovable?’