Eclipsed

The days leading up to the full moon were always rough for Remus, but the days leading up to the May moon seemed worse than usual. Sirius’ actions last month and the weight of Snape knowing his secret, not to mention his self-imposed exile from the Marauders, had only added to his burden, amplifying his stress and anxiety. 

Usually Sirius, Peter, or James would  be subtly supporting him in these days, grabbing him food from the kitchens when he didn’t feel up to going to meals, helping him with his bag when he felt a bit unsteady, and reminding him of the simple tasks he couldn’t always handle when he became overwhelmed by the pain and discomfort as his body prepared to transform. However, he was determined to show Sirius, and himself, that he didn’t need them. He’d done it alone and he could do it alone again. 

The downside to his desire to assert his independence and flaunt it in front of his dorm mates was that he truly felt awful, and there was nothing he could do about it aside from retreat to the Hospital Wing early… which was where Sirius had been assigned to serve his detentions. Remus had decided to wait until he was required to go to the hospital wing for the transformation, in order to avoid seeing more of Sirius than he already had to. 

All that being said, there he was, ​​two nights before the full moon, trudging through the dimly lit corridors of Hogwarts with Lily on their prefect rounds. Normally, the two used this time to talk about their classes, muggle things from their childhoods, or talk shit about the other prefects. However, that evening, Remus had been unusually silent. He was walking slowly, his face pale and drawn, with his arms wrapped around himself somewhat pathetically. Lily, always observant, couldn't help but say something.

"Remus, are you okay?" she asked gently, her green eyes filled with concern.

"I'm fine," he replied quickly, forcing a smile. "Just a bit tired, that's all."

Lily frowned but didn't press further, and they continued their rounds, the silence between them growing heavier. Remus tried to keep up, but each step felt like a monumental effort, pain radiating from his hip up his body and down his right leg. He clenched his jaw, willing himself to hold on until the rounds were done.

As they turned a corner near the Charms classroom, though, Remus felt a wave of dizziness wash over him. He stumbled, catching himself against the wall, and once he had backed into it, slid himself down until he was seated. Alarmed, Lily turned back and crouched down next to him.

"Remus, what's going on?" she asked again, determined to get a real answer out of him this time. 

"I... I'm okay," he tried to say, but the words rang hollow even to his own ears.

Lily snorted, trying to cover up her worry with a bit of humor. "No, you're not. You look terrible. Be honest with me, won’t you?” 

Remus tried to maintain his composure, but the façade crumbled. Tears welled up in his eyes as he slid down the wall to sit on the cold stone floor, his shoulders shaking. "Lily, I... I can't do this anymore. I'm so, so tired.”  She quickly sat next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder, and he leaned into her more. “My whole body is on fire, and I can't sleep because I am so hungry but I just can’t go into the Great Hall because everything smells so strong and it’s too loud, and when I do fall asleep, the nightmares of me killing Snape or being sent to Azkaban are worse than being awake.’ 

Lily hadn’t seen much of this Remus before. Her friend had always been snarky and silly, moody at times but never as downtrodden or as real with her as he was now. Had he been hiding this side of himself from her, or was this a recent development? 

"Remus, it's okay,” she told him, “You’ll be okay."

Remus cried openly now, the pain and exhaustion he'd been hiding for days finally spilling over. 

"I wanted to show them I could handle it, that I didn't need anyone. I don’t want to see Sirius because it hurts too much, and I’m afraid of what would happen to Sirius if James didn’t take his side in this. Sirius needs people and I… I thought I could do it alone. But I’m scared, Lily. I’m so scared that I can’t do this on my own.”

“You have me,” she reminded him, “and you have Madame Pomfrey, and McGonagall, and you still have James and Peter. Don’t put yourself through this all to prove a point, Remus, it isn’t worth it.” Lily smiled, wiping his cheeks dry with the sleeve of her robe. "This is what friends are for, Remus," she said softly, her voice filled with compassion. "We help each other, especially when things get tough."

He looked at her, gratitude and shame mingling in his tear-streaked face. "Thank you."

She smiled warmly, giving his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "Let's cut our rounds short tonight. You need to rest. I'll take you back up to the common room."

Remus nodded, too exhausted to argue. He bent his knees, planting his feet on the floor in front of him, and Lily noticed that both his shoes were untied. “Are you–?” she started to ask, looking at the loose laces and then back at Remus, but all he did was hold up shaking hands with stiff-looking fingers. 

“I-I tried, but–” he began, but without another word, she reached out, her fingers deftly tying them. 

With Lily's help, Remus stood and leaned on her as they made their way back to Gryffindor Tower. The walk back felt long, but Lily's presence was a comforting balm. She led him to a seat by the fire and sat beside him, grateful that they were the only two down there so late.

"Do you need anything?" she asked once they were settled.

"No, just... just stay with me for a bit," he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

Lily nodded, sitting beside him. "Of course. I'm here."

They sat in silence for a while, and Lily thought back to all the things she’d seen the boys do for Remus in the past. In their temporary absence, she committed herself to filling in the hole they’d left in Remus’ life as best she could, for as long as he needed her. 

The morning of the full moon dawned gray and uncharacteristically cold for May. James, already dressed and ready for classes, glanced over at Remus' bed, concerned that the other boy hadn’t at least made the attempt to get up and go to classes, as he had over the past few months. Instead, the curtains around Remus' bed were still drawn, and there was no sign of movement from inside them.

“Oi, Wormy, Padfoot,” James called quietly, motioning to the door. “You two go on ahead. I’ll catch up. Just… you know.” Sirius looked away uncomfortably, grabbing his bag and heading for the door. Peter quickly followed.   

James approached Remus' bed, pulling back the curtains gently. Remus lay there, pale and shivering, his eyes half-open but glazed over with pain and exhaustion. He seemed disoriented, mumbling incoherently under his breath. It was just like it had been before the Marauders began to join in during the moon.

“Remus,” James said softly, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Hey, mate, you’ve got to get up now.”

Remus blinked, his eyes struggling to focus on James. “James?” he croaked, his voice weak.

“Yeah, it’s just me,” James replied, keeping his tone light. “You’re not looking too great, Moony. We need to get you to the hospital wing.”

Remus shook his head feebly. “No, I’m fine… I’m going to class… jus’ need a couple more minutes.”

“Sure, mate,” James said, and once he realized that his friend wasn’t going to be able to get himself ready, got up off the bed and started to gather Remus’ usual full-moon supplies into his hospital wing bag. “Let’s get you some help, alright?”

With a gentle, steady hand, James helped Remus sit up, noticing the way his friend winced with every movement. He draped one of Remus' arms over his shoulder and wrapped his other arm around Remus' waist, helping him stand.

“C’mon, up we go,” James encouraged. “I’ve got you.”

“Hurts,” Remus managed, and James’ stomach sank.

“I’m sorry, Moony, I’m really sorry.” He knew that in the fight with Prongs to keep the wolf away from Snape, the stag had seriously injured the wolf, which meant he'd injured Remus, and he felt guiltier than ever, feeling every wince and shudder as though he were the one who was injured. 

The journey to the hospital wing was slow and painful for Remus, each step a visible struggle. Finally, they reached their destination, and Madam Pomfrey, who had been preparing for Remus’ arrival, rushed over immediately.

“Thank you, Mr. Potter,” she said, motioning for them to follow her to Remus’ room. “Let’s take him back now, alright?” 

James nodded, watching her walk ahead of them to prepare the room. Before they got too far, he stopped and turned to his friend, their faces only inches apart. “Remus, try to have a good moon tonight, alright? It’ll be over quickly, and I’ll come to see you first thing in the morning.”

Remus's eyes were distant, his voice strange and cold. "Sure," he muttered, and for some reason, it sent a chill down James's spine. “I guess we’ll see how tonight goes.” 

James hesitated, feeling a knot form in his stomach. “Take care, Moony.”

Remus gave a weak nod, but his eyes were hollow, and after depositing him in the bed, James left the hospital wing with a heavy heart.

Once he arrived at breakfast, Sirius was waiting for him, anxiously picking at his toast while he waited. “How’s Remus? Everything okay?”

James rubbed the back of his neck, unsure how much to reveal. “He’s… not great. I took him to the hospital wing, since he was being all like… moony, you know? Like he used to be.”

Sirius frowned, looking back down at the plate of toast in front of him. “Yeah, he always would get… confused and achy. He should’ve gone last night.” He sighed, shaking his head.  “Did he say anything else?”

James shook his head. “Nothing much. Just… he seemed really down.” Sirius looked concerned, like he wanted to ask another question but before he could, the Gryffindor girls entered the Great Hall, headed for their usual breakfast spot. 

Marlene came over to him, and noticing the tension, placed a comforting hand on James’s thigh as she sat down. “Good morning everyone!” she said brightly in an attempt to lift the mood. “Where’s Remus? Sick again?” 

James, still rattled by Remus's strange comment, wasn’t in the mood to talk, but didn’t want to make her feel bad again by brushing her off too obviously. “He’ll be fine, don’t worry.” He tried to go on with breakfast as if nothing was wrong, but Sirius and Peter weren’t as good at acting, and Marlene could feel that she was clearly being left out of whatever was going on. 

“I’m off to class now,” she said, getting up from the table and giving the group a half-smile. “If you ever feel like telling me what’s actually going on, I’ll be around.” 

As she turned away, James sighed, feeling a pang of guilt. He reached for his cup of tea, but with everything on his mind, he knocked over a neighboring bowl, spilling hot eggs all over his bag. “Bloody hell!” he exclaimed, trying to clean up the mess, and felt even worse when Lily shook her head in disappointment and siphoned it right off.

The morning was off to a horrid start, and James couldn't shake the anxiety gnawing at him. Remus’ words and pessimistic attitude echoed in his mind, adding to the weight of guilt and worry. He spent the rest of the day in a fog, his thoughts clouded with concern and the uncomfortable feeling that terrible might be looming. Even during Quidditch practice, his usual escape from his problems, he couldn’t out-fly his mind. His teammates noticed his distraction, but he waved them off, pushing through with sheer willpower.

As hard as he tried, he couldn't shake the feeling that he needed to be doing more, that they should have been out there with Remus, but he knew there was nothing he could do until the morning. So, James did his best that night not to lie awake, but to close his eyes and hope that when he woke up, everything would be okay. 

The day after the May moon, Peter stepped into the hospital wing, hoping to see Remus. Sometimes, Madame Pomfrey wouldn’t allow Remus to have any visitors, but the hospital wing was eerily quiet, the usual hustle and bustle absent as many students were likely out, enjoying the spring weather and the lack of homework on a Friday afternoon. Madam Pomfrey was probably in her office, leaving Peter to make his way through the hospital wing to Remus's secluded room alone.

James had gone for a visit in the morning, before the rest of the boys had woken up, and hadn’t been able to see Remus. However, James was now on his self-imposed Sirius-sitting duty, so Peter went alone, which he hardly ever did. He never knew how to act around Remus after the moon, or anyone sick or crying, to be honest. He knew he had to though, so he'd summoned the courage to make the trip. 

Peter gently knocked on the door frame. "Remus? It's me, Peter. Can I come in?"

A weak voice responded, "Yeah, come in, Pete."

Peter pushed open the door to see his friend stiffly propped up by pillows and looking worse for wear. Remus's face was pale and drawn, and he seemed a bit dazed. Peter knew that  they’d had to temporarily immobilize Remus’ back in order for it to heal properly after Prongs’ fight with Moony during the last moon, and it seemed like Pomfrey had done it again after this moon as well.

James felt pretty guilty about it, but Peter kept reminding him that it was better than Remus accidentally biting, or killing Snape, since if either of those things happened, their friend would definitely go to Azkaban, which sounded better than an injury, in Peter’s opinion. 

"Hey, Moony," Peter said softly, approaching the bed.

Remus turned his head slowly, a slight smile appearing on his lips. "Wormy!" he greeted, his voice a bit slurred. "You brought me chocolates?"

"Yeah," Peter said, sitting down on the chair beside the bed and placing the package on the bedside table. "Figured you could use some cheering up."

Remus gave him a strained smile. "Thanks, mate. It's been...a rough day, I guess you could say."

Peter nodded, his eyes filled with concern. "How are you feeling?"

“I’m on so many potions I couldn’t really tell you,” Remus replied, his words slightly sluggish. "But honestly, pretty bad.” 

Peter's brow furrowed with worry. Remus wasn’t much of a complainer usually.  "I'm really sorry, Remus. We... we were so worried about you transforming alone this month."

Remus sighed, opening his . "Yeah, I know. James told me yesterday, I think." He paused, his gaze turning distant, thoughts clearly jumping somewhere else. "Sirius... Sirius told Snape, and he keeps apologizing."

Peter's heart sank. "Yeah, he did. But... he was drunk, Remus. He didn't mean to. It doesn’t excuse it, not at all, but if it makes you feel better, he still feels really bad."

"I know," Remus said, beginning to get teary. "But it still hurts. It hurts so much, Wormtail."

Peter reached out and took Remus's hand, squeezing it gently. "I know, mate. I'm sorry."

All of a sudden, Remus looked at him intently, his eyes red and glassy with the effects of the medication. "Peter, there's something I need to tell you. Something I haven't told anyone."

Peter nodded, his stomach shrinking and his expression turning serious. "You can tell me anything, Remus. You know that."

“Peter, you can’t tell anyone. Promise me.” Peter nodded again, and Remus took a deep breath.

Remus took a deep breath, his voice shaky. "The reason why this hurts so much... it's because we were... we were together, like, together-together, like snogging and that shit. In secret, though, because his family couldn’t find out, you know?” Peter stared back at him in shock. Out of all the drug-induced confessions he could’ve been given, he’d not been expecting this one. 

Remus was starting to cry a bit. “I can't understand how he could do this to me, and I can’t understand why I still love him after he did this to me. I want to hate him but I can’t Pete, I can’t." 

Still processing, Peter nodded slowly, and then Remus made a whining little noise, snapping him out of the stupor. 

“Do you hate me for it, Pete? For being… queer?” 

Peter’s eyes opened wide and he reached for Remus’ hand. “No, Remus, I could never hate you. It’s… it’s who you are. And you are still the same you, no matter who you’re snogging.” 

Remus breathed a sigh of relief. “That’s good of you.” Then, suddenly, Remus's voice broke, tears welling up in his eyes. “I trusted him with everything, Pete. And now... I don't know what to do. He hasn’t come to see me, you know."

"Would you have let him say anything if he did come to see you though?" 

Remus shook his head. "It doesn't matter I guess. I guess... he never really loved me, did he?" 

Peter’s heart sunk, and he leaned in closer, voice soft but firm. “I’m so sorry, Moons, really I am. But we will get through it. You have me, and James, and Madame Pomfrey, and McGonagall. You tell us what you need and we will figure it out, okay?” 

Remus managed a small, grateful smile, tears slipping down his cheeks. "Thanks, Pete. You’re a good friend."

Peter stayed by his side, talking quietly and offering comfort, determined to be there for his friend, even once he’d fallen asleep. Peter waited until enough time had passed since Remus had stirred before carefully extracting his hand from Remus’ and leaving the room, giving the sleeping boy a final glance as he left.