Do you think I'd give up
That this might've shook the love from me
Sirius was twelve the first time he realized what love meant. His whole life he thought that love was just this idealistic concept that people used to refer to the sentiment of deep affection; a vain word, just as one would refer to justice or to ethics.
However, that first time back in Grimmauld place in July, after a year in Hogwarts, through absence Sirius finally realized what love meant. It meant being so deeply related to a person that it physically hurts being apart, it meant that your thoughts always and inevitably go back to them; it meant that it doesn’t matter how hard you try, in the end you’ll always end up missing them until you see them again.
Someone might think that after being through a war and twelve years in prison, twenty-two years later, the situation may have changed, however, although a shell of himself, if there was something that truly distinguished Sirius from anyone else, it was his ability to feel fiercely, whether it be love or hate, he would wholly commit to that feeling.
It is latching on to this devotion that Padfoot carries on, eating scraps on the ground and slowly but constantly making his way back to London. He doesn’t know if he’s following an illusion, the mere reflection of what was and never could be again, all he knows is that it physically hurts to be away from his loved one, the only surviving one among those he once considered his new, chosen, loved family.
Or that I was on the brink?
How could you think, darling, I'd scare so easily?
It was through the Marauders that Sirius began to understand the world around him. Often James would joke that before Hogwarts Sirius was a posh twat and that, through the influence of a werewolf grandpa, a quirky blonde and the ingenious mess he was, Sirius had been reducated into a functional member of society.
Sirius believed it was love that truly changed him. That deep affection he didn’t think existed, took shape into pranks and late night chats on the roof, but also soul-wrenching confessions and deep conversations, with only the starts to bear witness.
At first it was all of them, together through it all, but later on the group dynamics changed, mostly due to the fact that James and Peter had finally started to date girls and were often found outside the dorm at night. Just Sirius and Remus were left there, the first too occupied with understanding feelings in general, that he was blind in seeing how the latter looked at him. Together, they faced the world, even in its darkest features. It was Remus who held Sirius after the terrible summers he spent in Grimmauld Place. It was Sirius who tended Remus' wounds after the first night passed in the infirmary and brought him breakfast when he was too tired to get up.
Together they survived and thrived during the day, while later at night they confessed the truer and darkest pits of their soul in the light of the crescent moon.
Now that it's done
There's not one thing that I would change
He arrives at the cottage during the night. It was by all means a long shot, to think that someone might have continued to live in a house meant to be their happily ever after.
Sirius had many regrets. He regretted suspecting Remus. He regretted not telling him he loved him for one last time. He regretted that the last words he ever said to him were “go fuck with all your werewolves orgy for that I couldn’t care less”, in classic Black fashion, spitting over what good has been granted to him, always acting before thinking, letting the mouth run free without the leash of rationality. Once Remus apparated away, he fell to the ground, put his head between his legs and started silently sobbing while pulling his hair. Oh, how muchhe missed the quiet times in Gryffindor tower, just the two of them, staring at the stars from their small window while sharing a cigarette.
That day, everything had fallen apart. He went to Godric's Hollow to bring Harry a gift and instead found his best friend lying dead on the ground. Just like the first time, he understood what fierce love he felt once he lost the people he loved most forever.
At first, the one sentiment he could feel was heartbreak, quickly followed by loss and confusion, but one, big, infuriating thought lightened this mudded cloud of feelings and then there was only rage. Clarity superseded all of the sudden: the only one who was allowed to enter the Potter estate was Peter, no one else, Sirius was meant to wait outside and meet James to give him his gift to Harry, even he couldn't cross that threshold, only Peter could.
My life was a storm, since I was born
How could I fear any hurricane?
Once thrown in Azkaban, Sirius spent most of his time wondering if this was his destiny all along. Born a Black and always meant to be a failure in the eyes of those he loved the most, to be seen as the traitor to his own kind.
During this first year in prison, he thought that that was his penance, for befriending good people and managing to corrupt them into loving him. He thought he had been ruining their lives and bringing them to their death, destroying whatever peace they would have found otherwise.
On the worst nights, when the full moon shone in his cellar, he thought of his Moony: he wondered if he had someone with him now, someone who loved him and supported him in his endeavors. He wished he was happy now, happier than he could have ever been with him.
In the beginning, those nights passed together talking about life in Gryffindor tower were his anchor to reality, those memories that kept him sane in that cold, humid prison. However, after a while, they were distorted by his imagination so much that they started to haunt him, to be something that he will never experience again. His longing for love was so great that his soul was shattered even when something infinitesimal reminded him of Remus.
At first, their nights in Gryffindor tower were just chats about their past lives, about whatever came to their mind. However, after a while, they started to talk about their aspirations, their future and of what they were afraid of losing during the war.
It was on one of these occasions that Sirius realized that the love he felt for Remus was essentially different from the one he felt for his other friends. Sirius could recall the exact moment in which his world shifted on his axis: Remus was facing the moon, his scars and freckles looking silvery in that clear night. He smiled, he puffed off the smoke and then said “I think that what I fear the most about the war is not the experiences we will face, but the possibility that we may get out different, that we may lose our humanity along the way”. He smiled and looked at him with those sad, haunted eyes and Sirius realized that Remus has always been something else in his eyes. He’s always looked at Remus’ scars, at his shy demeanour and his nerdy outbursts and thought that he looked so beautiful that it was hard to breathe.
If someone asked me at the end
I'll tell them put me back in it
Darling, I would do it again, ah, ah
If I could hold you for a minute
Padfoot arrives in front of the porch he last saw more than ten years before. He distinctly smells his Moony, nicotine and old leather, mixed to new smells, whiskey and mothballs.
Padfoot's steps become more and more wobbly as he reaches the door of the house. How to confront his long lost love? How can he stand there and see him after he's been the cause of so much suffering? How can he not crumble in his arms if he finds him happy with another person? How can he be sure that Moony wouldn't kill him on the spot as he still thinks he's the traitor? He would be happy, he thinks, to die from Mooney's hand; just a glimpse of him would be enough to satiate his empty heart.
There he stands, incapable of making that last step, that final transformation and knock on the door. He hears noise in the house. Remus is probably cooking, he hears the clangs of the wooden spoon against copper pots, and the smells, oh that smell is heaven for Padfoot's chronically empty stomach. But it's not that to finally convince him to knock, it's Remus’ voice, so quiet that only dog's ears can perceive it. Remus's singing.
Sirius can feel a new resolve burning from his heart: he shifts and his legs almost give out under him. He lays on the doorframe and knocks.
Darling, I'd go through it again, ah, ah
I would still be surprised I could find you, darling
When Remus opens the door, Sirius’ world just stops.
He stands there, a grin like none ever felt before grows on his face. He must look like a mad mad, he thinks, but Remus's still the same. His hair has gone gray and a few more scars are discernible under his vest's collar but his eyes are just as they were before: of that burning and fierce amber. He feels like home and Sirius’ legs abruptly give out under him.
In any life
If I could hold you for a minute
Darling, I would do it again, ah, ah