Barty Crouch Junior and Evan Rosier stood on the front corner of the stage, silently flirting with some girls near them even though it was common knowledge that the two were together. Every so often, Evan would back off laughing, and then shoot a glare at James. He didn’t know what that was about, but he didn’t have much time to think about it before Barty nudged his boyfriend and redirected his attention.
James, on the other hand, couldn’t look away from the guitar and bass player. If he did, he knew where his gaze would immediately drift to, and it wasn’t to his friends or his girlfriend he brought with him to the club. Somewhere underneath the flashing lights of the stage was the lead singer, in some undoubtedly sexy, skin tight black outfit, probably with the shoulders ripped off. Maybe wearing his docs with the diamonds on the vamp. His hair was probably slicked with gel, pulled back from his forehead and into a little ponytail.
But James would never know how radiant Regulus Black looked tonight, because he simply refused to look at him. He was here because Sirius wanted to come, and Remus didn’t want to go if he was the only one, and Peter didn’t want to be alone with the happy couple, and Lily wouldn’t feel comfortable in a packed club with two homosexuals and, no offense, Pete, without James there for security. So James was forced to go. But it was okay. He would just watch Evan and Barty have eye sex the entire time while they played. It was fine. It would be fine. Everything would be-
Regulus Black kneeled on the stage in front of his amp, adjusting the settings while the crowd waited in silence for him to speak. Or maybe it wasn’t silent. Maybe James just felt that way, because the whole world always goes quiet when Regulus Black makes eye contact with James. And the whole world feels so claustrophobic and empty at the same time when Regulus Black removes that small piece of intimacy.
Regulus Black stood up and wrapped his long white fingers around the microphone. “Good evening, everyone.” James closed his eyes and swallowed.
It’s been months since he heard that voice. Sirius trained and forced the French accent from his own, though it came out sometimes when he was upset or angry. Regulus Black never trained his voice. Regulus Black’s was always there, quiet and beautiful, like an angel learning how to speak for the first time.
“We will begin today’s set with a cover. I’ve been a bit- just, bear with me. The list is on the more melancholy side for tonight, so if at any point during the show, you feel that your mood for your night has been ruined, feel free to leave.” Regulus sounded tortured. As if he would cry any second.
James’ stomach turned, and he quickly glanced at Barty and Evan to see if they noticed, but they weren’t looking at Regulus. They were looking right at James, with contempt. James looked away and at the floor. He couldn’t do this. He was going to throw up.
“James, are you okay?” Lily asked from beside him, lacing her fingers through his. Her voice was slightly muffled. Everything was. He shook his head. “Okay, do you want to get out of here?” She glanced at their other friends for support.
“No, no,” James said, voice strained. He attempted to compose himself. “I’m fine. Everything’s fine.”
He knew she didn’t believe him.
“Okay…” she said, taking her hand away. He put his in his pockets and stepped back slowly.
He would make it through this. He told Sirius he would be here for him, and he would. He would not ruin Sirius’ night out and attempt to fix his relationship with his brother just for his own selfish reasons. Because that’s all Regulus Black was. That’s all he was to James, at least.
Not a lover.
Not a friend.
Just Sirius Black’s little brother.
That’s all.
Evan sat behind Regulus Black with an acoustic guitar, and Barty stood next to him near a backup mic.
Regulus Black cleared his throat.
“Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you please don't take my man”
James froze.
“Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him just because you can”
Why this song?
“Your beauty is beyond compare
With flaming locks of auburn hair
With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green”
James saw the moment Lily stopped swaying.
“Your smile is like a breath of spring
Your voice is soft like summer rain
And I cannot compete with you Jolene”
James felt Lily looking at him, but he would never know for sure because he couldn’t stop staring at Regulus Black. Regulus Black, who was holding his gaze with every cutting word.
“He talks about you in his sleep
And there's nothing I can do to keep
From crying
when he calls your name Jolene”
James was going to throw up.
“And I can easily understand
How you could easily take my man
But you don't know what he means to me Jolene”
James vaguely hears Lily call his name, but he is in a trance. There is only Regulus Black and him on the planet.
“Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him just because you can”
No. He wanted to scream. Lily Evans didn’t take James Potter.
“You could have your choice of men
But I could never love again
He's the only one for me Jolene”
No. Regulus Black would find love again. Someone who treated him right this time. Because clearly, James Potter wasn’t enough. Because James Potter was never enough.
“I had to have this talk with you
My happiness depends on you
And whatever you decide to do Jolene”
Regulus was not having a talk with Lily through this song. Regulus was screaming at James, reaching for any semblance of an acknowledgement that who they were to each other meant as much to James as it meant to Regulus. That Regulus wasn’t a replacement or a substitute.
“Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you please don't take my man”
Regulus began to cry.
“Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him even though you can”
Because Regulus knew.
“Jolene.”
He knew the truth.
Against Lily Evans,
Regulus Black would always be the second choice.
“I’m sorry, I need a minute,” he spoke quietly into the mic before running off behind the stage.
Barty and Evan watched him leave before turning and glaring at James. Barty jumped into the crowd and made his way towards James.
“Mate, what did you DO to him? My god,” Sirius yelled next to his ear.
James sunk to the floor.
“James? James.”
“I- I didn’t-“
“HEY. POTTER.”
James head snapped up and Barty lifted him off the ground by his shirt, holding him at eye level. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t fucking apologize to me, you bastard. I don’t know what the fuck you did to him, but he has been in shambles for MONTHS because of your bullshit.”
James knew everyone in the club was looking at them, but he didn’t have the energy to care. The only person he was thinking about was Regulus Black. Everything else was out of his mind, even the man currently gripping his shirt.
“ANSWER ME, DICK.”
“You didn’t ask anything,” Sirius commented.
“Oh ho ho, don’t get me started on you, you bitch.” Barty laughed humorlessly and spit on Sirius’s feet.
“Hey! These are nice shoes.”
Barty gestured his head to Remus. “Have your pet lick them clean, then.”
Lily came up next to James and Barty. “Okay Crouch, you can be pissed at Potter, but leave the boys out of this. They didn’t do anything wrong.”
James felt nauseous.
Barty shrugged at her. “Just calling it like I see it.”
Remus punched Barty in the face, making him and James fall to the floor. Barty kneed James in the balls as soon as he noticed he was on top of him, and scrambled up.
James heard the escalating fighting going on behind him, and he felt the pain that came from his testicles being kneed, but it was all distorted. He stood up, staring in the direction of the stage. He slowly made his way over to it, looking around for Regulus Black.
He found him against the wall behind the stage, knees to his chest and head in his hands, as Evan sat beside him with his head leaning back. He scowled when he noticed James, but he stood up and left without a word, although he did bump into James shoulder rather harshly on his way into the crowd. James took his place by Regulus’s side.
“Hey,” he said gently.
Regulus froze, not looking up.
“I’m sorry,” James said.
“Why are you back here, Potter?”
“Oh, so we’re doing last names now? Got it.”
“Shut the fuck up.”
“Don’t act like that.”
“Why shouldn’t I?”
“You just humiliated me in front of a hundred people, I think I deserve some consolation.”
“And where’s my consolation?”
“For what?”
“For being thrown away.”
“Hey, you left me.”
“I HAD TO.” Regulus finally looked up, eyes swimming with tears and voice shaking with rage. “You FUCKING KNOW I had to. I didn’t have a choice,” his voice cracked.
“Regulus,” James started hesitantly, not wanting to upset him even more. “You ALWAYS have a choice.”
“Potter-“
“I don’t think you have a right to insult Lily in front of all those people because of a decision that YOU made.”
“YOU PUSHED ME AWAY.”
“No, Reg, you pushed me away.”
Regulus broke eye contact and buried himself in his knees again. “What difference would it have made anyway? You had your heart set on her from the moment you saw her. You never really loved me. I was always the substitute. For Lily fucking Evans.” Regulus stood up and leaned against the back of the stage, arms crossed. Walls up.
“Reg,” James stood up slowly.
“Don’t come near me.”
“I’m not.”
“Yes you are.”
“I said her name ONE time, in my sleep. That could’ve meant anything. You just chose to see it as romantic.”
“Well how do you fucking see it then, huh? How do you see cuddling your lover and saying another person’s name, whom you liked for a long time no less, in your sleep, Potter? Is it romantic? Surely not. It means NOTHING.”
“Don’t be like that.”
“No, answer the question, Potter. Look me dead in eyes and tell me you didn’t love her the whole time we were together.”
“I didn’t-“
“LOOK AT ME.”
James was shaking. But he did as Regulus said. He looked him in his eyes, cold and icy as his tone.“While we were dating,”
“Mmhmm,”
James leaned in slowly, eyes darting back and forth from Regulus’ to his lips. “I, never,” he said breathlessly, in Regulus’s ear, “loved anyone” their noses were almost touching, “but you.” Regulus stared at James’ lips, his eyes darkening. James backed away and Regulus shivered. “While we were together, of course.” James coughed. “I love Lily. Now. Again. But only now.”
“James,”
“Don’t.”
Regulus pulled James back by his waistband. He buried his face in James’ shoulder. “Je t'aime.”
James swallowed, hugging him closer to him. “I know.”
“Je t’aime.”
“Shhh,” he could feel regulus shaking against him.
“Why?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why can’t we just be happy?”
James didn’t have an answer for him.
He was happy with Lily, yes. He loved Lily, yes. But there was undoubtedly something missing from his life.
The Lion was missing its heart.
James kissed the top of Regulus’ head and gently pushed him back.“Come on.”
Regulus interlocked their fingers. “Can’t we just stay here? Forget about the crowd, forget about Evans.”
James felt a pang of guilt. “I can’t. Actually, everyone’s fighting right now. Your boys and mine, at least.”
“What?”
Regulus and James came out the side and saw the entire club empty except for Barty Crouch Junior and Evan Rosier, who were sitting at the bar, not a drink in sight.
“What’s going on?” Regulus asked them. Barty pointedly faced away from him.
“Barty.” Regulus pushed. “Barty.”
“He won’t speak.”
“Bartemius.”
“Ew,” Barty spun around in his chair, and Regulus gasped. The entire right side of his face was bruised and bloodied up. “Don’t call me that.”
“What happened to your face?”
“Remus,” James and Evan said at the same time.
“Ah. Got it. Where are they now?”
Evan sighed and slid off the counter onto the stool beside Barty. “The uh, the ginger ran off to find Potter and when she came back, she looked piiiiiissed. She and your boys left a couple minutes ago.”
“Shit,” James said. “She probably saw us.”
Regulus shrugged. “We weren’t doing anything.”
“She won’t see it that way.”
“She sounds like a shitty girlfriend.”
James shot him a glance. “You’d jump to the same fucking conclusion, and you know it.”
“Fuck off.”
Evan whistled, stood up and grabbed Barty by the collar. “We’ll be in the back if you need us.”
“Listen, Reg, I can’t just leave Lily for you.”
“You left me for her.”
“Reg,” James winced. “I know you feel that way, and I’m sorry. But that’s not what happened. That’s not what I ever wanted you to feel like.”
“Well, it is. Because it’s true.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes it is.”
“No, fuck, Reg. Can I just-“ he ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “What can I do to prove to you I loved you through it all?”
“You can’t do anything.”
James looked him in the eyes, determined. Regulus met his gaze. Regulus leaned forward and kissed James.
And James kissed Regulus Black back.
Home.
Home.
Home.
Home.
No.
Lily.
Regulus.
Lily.
Regulus.
Lily.
Regulus.
Sirens.
Sirens.
Sirens.
“Oh, uh, I forgot to mention-“ Evan’s voice came from around the corner. “Somebody called the cops when the fight broke out.”
James pulled away immediately and pushed Regulus off him. “Shit shit shit.” He put his hand to his lips, like he can’t believe what he just did.
Regulus panted and sat on a stool, looking slightly amused.“See? You’ve always had it in you to cheat.”
“No.”
“It’s obvious now, James, you can’t back out. Just accept it and leave her.”
“No.”
James fell to the floor as the blue flashing lights consumed the club. He put his head in his hands, panicking. James was loyal. James wasn’t a cheater.
James Potter loved Lily Evans.
James Potter loved Lily Evans.
James Potter loved Lily Evans.
That’s the narrative.
Dolly is left behind while Jolene takes her man.
That’s the narrative.
James Potter loved Lily Evans.
James Potter loved Lily Evans.
James Potter loved Lily Evans.
James Potter wondered if Jolene’s lover was ever eaten alive by his guilt.
Half an hour later, the cops were gone. Regulus had apparently gone and spoken to them. James was laying face down on the floor, disgusted with himself. How could he have done this to Lily? How could he? Did he do this to Regulus as well? He was questioning everything about his relationships.
Maybe everything he would ever love was meant to grow too hot and burn to ashes.
His memories are foggy. Someone picked him up. Someone took him home. Somehow he made it to his bed.
It was empty.