Bleeding Star
"Crucio!" Sirius whispered, turning his wand on himself. The pain was agonising, but it felt familiar. More. He needed blood.
Once the unforgivable curse had finished, and Sirius could move again, he pointed a shaking wand to his wrist.
"Diffindo."
It felt great.
Watching the blood pour down his arm was amazing- how did he have all of that inside him?
He did it again.
"Diffindo."
and again.
"Diffindo."
and again.
"Diffindo."
Until his left arm had run out of skin that he could see, that wasn't covered in blood.
He felt light. Floaty. He could maybe sleep? Wow, this felt amazing! Like clouds- oh wait that could be blood loss- oh well!
Sirius rode the euphoria of his cuts for a minute or so, then realised that he should clean this up. Reaching for toilet paper to clear it up before Myrtle came back and screamed, he fell on his ribs- wow, not eating had made him so thin, he loved it. When was the last time he ate- oh, before he saw Remus again...
That meant it was Thursday night. He had only eaten on Tuesday, when he snuck into the kitchens to drink some soup and eat a minuscule salad. He loved how sharp it made him- sharper than the glares that Peter threw at him.
Oh Merlin, Peter and James. Peter was trying to be meaner than ever, and winning Remus' and Lily's approval doing so-
James' soft, sad face whenever he saw Sirius. It made him want to throw up- not that he had anything left in his stomach though.
Sirius was declining. Painfully descending into madness. Mopping up the blood from the floors and flushing them, barely in time to collapse on the floor before Myrtle came back.
At the end of that hell week, (Sirius was still reeling from yesterday) when the bell at the end of Transfiguration went, signifying the end of lessons for the day, Sirius asked McGonagall a question once everyone had left.
"Professor... do we have quill knives in the school?" he asked, trying to look as innocent as possible.
McGonagall frowned, "Yes Sirius, we do- why?"
Because diffindo isn't working anymore. Because he needed to drag a blade across his skin to be satisfied.
Sirius didn't answer, but asked "Where do we keep them?"
"Sirius. Come with me to my office."
They walked together, regret building up in his mind.
'Stupid, why did you ask that?'
'She knows.'
'Just get on with it and die.'
Before he had processed leaving the classroom, they were at her office.
'Shit shit shit she knows', Sirius thought. What if she told Orion or- oh fucking merlin- Walburga. No. No.
"Sirius. Sit down, do you want a biscuit?"
She asked tenderly- Sirius was struck aback. McGonagall was never like this, what was special?
"No- no thanks professor." he replied, shaking the stutter from his voice. He hated how small it was, from infrequent use.
"I insist," she said, placing two ginger biscuits onto a small plate and sliding it toward him.
Silence, for a bit. Then, she asked the worst question possible.
"What happened with you and your friends?"
fuck
"What do you mean?" he said, keeping his voice as free of emotion as possible.
"Sirius. We teachers aren't blind. Mr Lupin, Mr Potter and Mr Pettigrew all walk together, talk together, laugh and do whatever together as usual- but you aren't there. Miss Evans accompanies them as well now, but most of the staff I have spoken to- myself included- have all noticed a significant lack of you."
fuck. There was no way in the name of Merlin's dick that Sirius would tell anyone what happened.
"Just a little dispute, Professor," he said, trying to sound like how he did before all of this- very "devil-may-care", to quote Lily, and carefree- but all that happened was that he sounded tired. Which he was. So so tired.
McGonagall looked at him sadly for a moment.
"Professor, you never answered my question. Where are the quill knives?" Sirius asked again.
"They're in Professor Binns' room, in the left-most cupboard." She disclosed.
"Thanks Professor." murmured the young Gryffindor, turning to exit.
"Sirius- please be careful." The professor sounded like she was pleading, almost.
And- take your biscuit. I will see you later for your detention."
He walked out wordlessly.
After that, he snuck into the Gryffindor dorms knowing that Peter would be at the library with Remus and Lily, frantically attempting to grasp Potions homework, and James would be at Quidditch practice. Grabbing the invisibility cloak, and looking wistfully at his long-since-slept-in bed, he slipped it on outside the portrait of the one-eyed witch, muttered "Dissendium" and slipped into Honeydukes.
The sight of all those sweets nearly killed him instantly- how anyone could eat these without regret…?
Walking up to the Hogs Head, Sirius slammed down two galleons in exchange for three enormous bottles of Firewhiskey after opening the door. Nobody saw him, but they did notice the extra revenue. Not that anyone complained- 2 galleons was far more than what the bottles actually cost.
Detention was numbing.