“Come on! Come on, Harry! Say it. PAD. FOOT.”
“Bwahp.”
“Bwahp? Is that a word?” Sirius turned to look at James, who was sitting on the couch with tea, thoroughly exhausted and entertained.
“No, Pads, ‘bwahp’ is not a word. And he’s not going to say Padfoot, that’s too hard for him right now. He needs to say ‘mum’ or ‘no’ first.”
“Glad you know it won’t be ‘dad’!” Lily shouted from the kitchen.
James grinned. “I’ve tried. Got a solid ‘d’ sound out of him once, but that quickly turned into-“
“DWELAOPFBEHHHPSSHHH”
James gestured at his son and leaned back. “Whatever that was. Exactly.”
Sirius frowned and looked back at Harry, who was becoming very interested in tracing the tattoos running up and down Sirius’s arms. He sat perfectly still.
“He’s so innocent,” Sirius mumbled after a bit of silence.
James stared for a moment before putting his cup down and joining them on the rug. He ushered Harry into his arms and lifted him up onto Sirius’s shoulders, both of them giggling. “Alright, Pads, stand up. Slow.”
Sirius wobbled a bit, but eventually stood up with Harry sitting up straight, taller than James now. “He’s the man of the house now.”
James smiled at his son. “He certainly is. We ought to tell his mother.”
Lily walked in the room, sun dress dusted in white powder from flour. “Tell me what?”
Sirius cleared his throat. “Your majesty,” he enunciated, “may I present, his royal highness, the noble, the elegant, Prince Harry James Potter.”
“And his court jester, the graceless peasant, Sirius Black,” James projected, and jumped on the couch to stand next to Sirius/Harry and be taller than them.
Lily rolled her eyes fondly and applauded.
“Now BOW TO YOUR KING!”
“I thought he was the prince?” Lily smirked.
“Whatever,” Sirius dismissed. “Kneel at his feet. For he is your reigning lord.”
“A lord now, is he?” But nonetheless, she curled her dress under her knees as she bowed down to her son. “Oh Great one,” she said, all the sarcasm in her voice on full display, “how shall I repay thee for thine wondrous presence? I am eternally grateful one such as thee hath the time of day to come see one such as myself, a lowly citizen of the town of Harry Land.”
James busted out laughing and Sirius struggled to stay balanced for Harry’s sake, but it was too much. Lily got up and took Harry before Sirius dropped him, and he fell on the couch on top of James, cackling at his friends absurdness.
“Cakes ready, by the way, boys.”
They stopped immediately.
It was Harry’s first birthday. And no one else was at Godric’s Hollow. No one else knew they were there. They were all reluctant to celebrate without Remus and Pete and Mary there, but in light of the state of the wizarding world, they needed to jump on any excuse to celebrate. Sirius went, promising Remus he’d tell him everything, maybe even call him over the mirror, but he had his walls up and was faking nonchalantness, when Sirius, James, and Lily all knew Remus would’ve killed to be there.
Sirius crawled off James and sunk to the floor underneath him. James glanced back at Lily, who nodded and went in the kitchen.
“James-“
“I know.”
Sirius looked up at him, eyes shimmering. “I miss him.”
“You can go back home. The day is still young.”
Sirius shook his head. “I can’t leave you.”
James put his legs on either side of Sirius’ head and ran his fingers through his hair, something that always calmed him. “We’ll be okay for a few hours, Pads. If you want to go, you should.”
“I don’t want to go.”
“Sirius.”
Sirius pushed James’ hands away and sat on the table across from him. “I can’t do this anymore, James. I want to tell him. I want him to be with me.”
“Here?”
“Everywhere. All the time.”
“He can’t come here.”
Sirius ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “I know, Prongs, believe me, but I just need- I need him. I need him so- and, and Mary! And Pete, and, James,” he laughed hysterically. “I know you miss Moony and Wormtail and we should be together because it’s your sons bloody birthday and NO ONES FUCKING COME TO IT!” Sirius stood up and kicked the side table, knocking it down and causing Harry to cry from the other room. “Shit,” Sirius muttered, putting a hand to his eyes and sitting next to James again. “Shit.”
James wrapped an arm around him. “He won’t even remember today. This is mostly just for us, anyway.”
“He might remember, you don’t know.”
James smiled a little. “Do you remember anything from when you were one years old?”
Sirius shook his head. “But I have early memories. From four or five.”
James shuddered and held Sirius closer. “That’s different.”
Sirius half choked out a laugh. “So we only remember bad childhood memories? And we block out good, happy ones like today should’ve been? Man, our minds must hate us.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true.”
“Then what’s your first happy memory?”
“Easy. First year at Hogwarts, the train, meeting you.”
“No way. Surely you must have some with Regu-“ Sirius went stiff in his arms. “Sorry,” he muttered.
Sirius sighed and got up, walking into the kitchen. James ran a hand over his face and silently cursed himself for bringing up Sirius’ brother. None of this would’ve happened if they didn’t have that stupid spy. All he wanted in the world was the spy gone or, sometimes he catches himself thinking, dead, just so he and Lily can have a normal life with Harry, and Sirius and Remus and Peter and Mary. Actually, he wanted to back track, so Harry could spend his first birthday with all of their friends.
Marlene was…an open wound, to say the very least. Lily hadn’t been the same since they heard. James didn’t think he’d recover either, but they had to, eventually, right? They had to move on. They knew they would lose people in the war. James’ parents, Sirius’ brother, Gid and Fab. But they always hoped that at the end, it would be them, just like it had always been. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, Prongs. Lily, Mary, and Marlene. But the isolation was the worst thing that could’ve happened. After Marlene, they needed to be together, not rushed into hiding so that Mary couldn’t have Lily and James couldn’t have Remus. No offense to Sirius, but he wasn’t the easiest person to grieve with. He kind of pretended grief wasn’t a real thing. That it was bad to feel hurt and depressed over losing the people you love the most.
But, in some sort of sick way, his relentless drive for happiness in dark times transferred into James and Lily’s bodies, as he spent so much time at Godric’s Hollow following Marlene’s death. The real reason was he didn’t want Remus to see him hurt, but it was also because he knew James and Lily needed it. And underneath everything, and even if he doesn’t understand human emotions at times, Sirius Black was the best person they could’ve picked to stay in their lives while in hiding. Without their bright, guiding star, the Potters would be lost at sea.
Sirius entered the room holding two slices of cake, shaking James from his thoughts. He sat down next to him and handed him a plate, eating his own quietly. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to… shut off.”
“I know, mate. It’s okay.”
They ate in silence, but their shoulders were touching, letting the other know they were there.
Sirius scooped the icing from the plate with his fingers and licked it, repeating the process until it was sparkling clean. “You can get more, you know,” James chuckled.
“Can’t,” Sirius smiled. “If we eat too much, there won’t be enough room for the candle or to shove Harry’s face in the icing. Plus, I wanna bring Remus home a piece,” he said the last part softer.
“Are you sure Moony will still want a piece if Harry’s face has been in it?” James joked.
Sirius grinned. “Oh yeah, he’ll want it more then. Except he won’t eat it, he’ll frame it like it’s a portrait.”
“Are we sure he won’t eat it?”
Sirius contemplated this. “Nah, he’d eat it. What am I saying?”
James laughed and so did Sirius and for a moment, everything was okay. Not good, not happy, but okay.
And for now, that was all they could really ask for.
They sung Harry happy birthday. James and Sirius made a big show of it, as they always do, and Lily filmed them with a muggle video camera, looking thoroughly exasperated by their antics, as usual.
Sirius had gotten Harry a toy broomstick and he spent hours playing with it, soaring around the living room and up and down the stairs, making a mess everywhere, but none of them minded. His excited giggling lit up the whole house and made it seem more like a home than a jail than it had ever been before. Lily got most of it on camera, and she gave it to Sirius to bring back home for Remus.
He started his motorcycle and flew through the air, a quiet sense of contentment running through him that quickly faded as he remembered how he had left Remus. Angry, lonely, upset. He prayed none of that would be on display when he walked through the door. He wanted to end his day well or he would never remember it as a happy one, and right now, he desperately needed happy memories.
He parked the motorcycle in the garage and walked slowly back to the apartment. When he put the key in, he immediately heard shuffling inside, and before he could open the door, it was thrown open for him, and he was pulled into a hug, door slamming behind him.
“Moony?” Sirius mumbled into his shoulder. “What are you doing?” Was he… crying? “Moon- Remus, hey.” He pushed him back gently. He was crying. “What-“
Remus stared into Sirius’ eyes and pulled him back in, leading them down to the floor.
“Moony-“
“Don’t,” he whispered, holding him tighter. “Don’t. Say anything. Please.”
Sirius shut his mouth, but was still very concerned. Remus never cried unless-
“Remus, did someone die?” Sirius stood up quickly. “Was it Pete? Mary?”
Remus crossed his legs and rubbed his eyes, sighing. “No, Sirius. No one died.”
Sirius let out a breath of relief. “Okay. Good. Then why are you crying?”
“Merlin, Sirius, I’m allowed to have emotions,” he grumbled, getting up. “Tea?”
“Please,” he responded, moving to the couch, counting the number of days since the last full moon. He cocked his head. “You’re not pregnant, are you, Moony?” Remus laughed and Sirius’ heart instantly warmed. He jumped up and ran into the kitchen, leaning his head on Remus’ shoulder.
“That is a fire hazard.”
“What is?”
“Being in close proximity to a person pouring boiling water.”
Sirius shrugged. “We have magic.” He pressed a kiss into Remus’ neck, Remus dropping the teapot as he was putting it down and gripping the sides of the counter. Sirius chuckled and took his cup, heading back to the living room.
“I hate you,” Remus said as he plopped down next to him, sipping his tea.
“I know.” Sirius leaned into him. Remus suddenly froze. “Remus?”
Sirius looked up at him and traced his gaze down to his pocket. “Are you just happy to see me, or-“
Sirius smiled and pulled out the video camera. “Wanna see pictures of Harry?”
Remus nodded and put his cup down, holding his hands out expectantly.
“What? No, I can do it.” Sirius said confidently, as he struggled to open the camera, and then struggled to turn it on, and then it was two full minutes later when Sirius finally shoved the thing into Remus’ smug face and muttered “help.”
Remus uncrossed his arms and went into the files with ease, earning a “cheater” from Sirius as the first video started to play.
“…ppy birthday to youuuuuuuu, happy birthday to youuuu, happy BIRTHDAYYYYY DEARRRRRRR OH GREAT ONE PRINCE HARRY THE KING OF THE WORLD AND EVERYTHINGGGGG-“
Remus chuckled. “What’s that about?”
“Oh, I put Harry on my shoulders and he became man of the house.”
“Well, he is certainly taller than you,” Remus gestures to the camera.
“HES IN A HIGH CHAIR AND IM ON MY KNEES, CUT ME SOME SLACK.” Remus grinned and leaned into him.
“…Oh, no Sirius, don’t actually- awwww, shit- whoops, I meant, uh, whatever. James, can you get me a towel?”
“No, don’t, haha! He looks so much better this way. No, don’t point it at me, point it at Harry, Moony doesn’t want to see me, LOOK AT HIS FACE-“
“I don’t want to see you?”
Sirius flushed. “Oh. No. You want to look at Harry. He has cake all over his face. I don’t.”
Remus nodded slowly. “Okay.”
“…Okay, time for presents! Oh my- sirius, can you stop taking the camera?”
“Nope! Alright Moony so this- is what our little Harry looks like BEFORE he opens the single best present in the universe, look at him, so happy.”
“It’s because there’s icing on his face.”
“No, Prongs, it’s because he knows he’s about to receive the awesomest gift that man can give.”
“Oh Merlin, what is- SIRIUS HE IS ONE. HE CANT-“
“ITS A TOY, for Godric’s sake. LET THE BOY LIVE. Seriously, Moony, what are we gonna do with these kids? And I don’t mean Harry, he’s the sane one.”
“Sirius, the video is supposed to be for Harry in the future, not Remus.”
“Yeah, but as of now-“
“Sirius”
“okay, well, HARRY, I hope you know that Moony and I are better gift givers than your real parents, and if you ever need anything COOL, you come see me and-“
“MOONY!”
“………”
Remus looked up at Sirius in shock, he was staring at him grinning ear to ear, waiting patiently for that reaction. “Did Harry just-“
“Did Harry just-“
“OH- JAMES DID YOU HEAR THAT??”
“I DID!! AND I WAS RIGHT. HE DOES LOVE HIS MUM THE MOST. I WAS JUST THINKING OF THE WRONG ONE!”
“James-“
“Can we pretend he said Mommy instead-“
“nope. It’s Moony. It’s on tape. Let Moony have this if he can’t even be here.”
“……”
Sirius didn’t look up, but he knows Remus was staring at him.
“Okay, well, let’s give it a go, yeah, Harry?”
“MOONY!”
“…no. I’m Padfoot. PADFOOT. PAD FOOT.”
“…Bwahp.”
“Ughhhh. Okay. I gotta help him, er I mean, YOU, so, I’ll turn this off now, Moon- HARRY. Shit. Bye!”
Remus closed the tape. “There’s still more,” Sirius muttered, embarrassed, “of him flying on it.”
“Sirius-“
“I know it looks like I messed everything up, but she didn’t have it at beginning, and there were some parts we didn’t film, we couldn’t fit it all on there- I promise I didn’t ruin his birthday, Moony, I swear. Harry had a great time-“
“Sirius.”
He looked up at him, and the second he did, there were arms around the back of his neck, pulling him into a kiss, and he melted into it, hoping Remus never pulled away. But Sirius was the one that did, once he felt it getting too intense. He backed off, panting and feeling considerably hotter in temperature. “N-not… just- just be with me. Just be with me.”
Remus fixed his expression and nodded, pulling Sirius’ head into his lap, fingers combing through his hair. “Love you,” he said softly.
Sirius tensed for only a moment before scooting his body as close as it could get to Remus’ stomach. He never wanted to be apart from him again. And he felt terrible for James and Lily.
It must’ve been awful learning to live in a world without Remus Lupin.
“I love you too.”
At 9pm, Lily came down the stairs in her pajamas, freshly showered and smelling like lavender shampoo. She took Harry from James as he went to go shower and she fixed tea for them.
They regrouped in the living room, fresh and worn out from the day’s activities. James and Lily sat on the couch, leaving Harry to his own devices on the rug in front of them as they drank their tea.
After about an hour later without either of them speaking, Lily asks him, “Are you okay?”
James thinks about lying, but decides against it. “No.” And then he smiles. “But Harry is.” He wraps his arm around Lily and they cuddle up, watching their son laughing, spinning around on the broomstick like the world wasn’t all darkness and death outside. “And as long as he is, that’s enough.”
Lily hummed beside him and brought his hand up to her lips, kissing it gently. She nodded. “That’s enough.”