The beginning of James' crisis
James’ pov
James was feeling good. He was happy, there was a light feeling in his chest and a smile on his face.
It was days like this one that made life worth it. When he was laughing with his friends and eating strawberries and cake beneath the summer sun, everything was going to be okay.
He had a bounce in his step and was humming a cheery melody as he walked down the stairs after showering. He wanted to wind down a little and process the events of the day over a nice cup of tea before going to sleep.
He was so glad that Remus was here, the boy always brought a sense of calmness over Sirius. Oh, and over Regulus too, apparently. James had known that they were friends but he would have never guessed how close they actually were.
Remus could get Regulus to come out of his shell. He had never seen the young Slytherin so carefree and relaxed. He hoped that one day Regulus could relax around him too.
The more days he spent with the younger boy, the more he wanted to get to know him. He wanted to know how he liked his tea for example, he thought as he poured himself a cup. When does he drink tea? In the morning? The evening, like James? The afternoon? Did he even like tea? Or was he more of a coffee person?
Now that he was thinking about it, he couldn’t stop. What was his favourite colour? Did he think that burgers were sandwiches? How did he behave when he got drunk? Has he ever been stung by a bee?
James mind was like a train without breaks, once it was rolling there was no way to stop it. So his thoughts raced, drawing James deeper into the mystery that was Regulus Black.
All the things he knew about the younger boy swirled in his head, leading to question after question. Hot suddenly plopped up. He shook his head.
It was probably a weird thought, but Regulus did look rather good. Just. As a fact. Something one noticed. Not that James did, anyway.
Wow, now it was getting weird. He shook his head again and took another sip of his tea.
About five minutes later, one thing was clear: he would not be able to sleep if he did not find how Regulus liked his tea.
Call him crazy. Call him stupid. But some questions demanded answers and James was about to get them. The Regulus-tea-mystery needed to be solved.
So when James went upstairs, he quietly passed Sirius’ room, hearing his friends giggling about somehting behind the closed door. He wandered to the end of the hallway, stopped in front of Regulus’ door and listened. He heard shuffling so Regulus was definitely still awake.
He knocked.
No answer.
James carefully opened the door a little, just to see if it was locked or not. It opened easily and James stuck his head in. “Regulus?”, he whispered, his eyes having to adjust to the dim light. Only a lamp on the bedside table was on, spreading an orange-yellow glow through the room.
Then he finally spotted Regulus. All thoughts of tea vanished instantly.
Regulus was crying. And quite violently so. He was sitting on the floor in a corner, his arms wrapped around his knees, shaking horribly with tears streaming down his face.
“Regulus.” James was next to him in an instant, crouching down and noticing the shredded bits of paper on the floor.
Oh, no. A letter.
He was at a loss. He never had to comfort Regulus before. Should he get Remus or Sirius? On the other hand, it didn’t seem smart to leave Regulus all by himself in this state. James ran a nervous hair through his hair while he watched another shudder take over the Slytherin’s body. He saw his chest move way too quickly, drawing air in and out like a scared animal.
“Hey”, James tried, “Your parents wrote you?” Regulus couldn’t do more than nod, then had to bring his hand to his mouth to muffle the sobs.
Ah, fuck. What was he supposed to do now?
“Um. Can I hug you? Some people like the safety of a hug when crying, though it is also very understandable if you don’t want to be touched right now, just say if-“ But Regulus already extended his arms, grabbing fistfuls of James’ sweater and pulling him towards Regulus.
Alright, hugging it was.
James shifted as much as he could to make the embrace work best, though it was still a little awkward. He held Regulus as the younger broke down again, sobbing against his shirt and drenching his sweater with his tears. He held him through it, rubbing his back and moving one hand to rest on the back of his head. Murmuring reassurances in his ear and just letting Regulus feel for a moment.
He didn’t know how much time had passed, but eventually Regulus calmed down. His sobs became less frequent and his breathing evened out.
“James?”, he heard the tiniest voice say against his shoulder, “You can let me go now. I’m fine.”
He pulled away, drawing his eyebrows together. “Don’t say that. You’re obviously not fine, please don’t shut me out.” Regulus avoided his gaze. “Alright”, James continued carefully, his hands still on Regulus’ shoulders, “Would you like some tea?”
The black-haired boy nodded weakly, then tried to get up but failed miserably. James caught him before he could fall, slipping an arm behind his back and supporting him on his way to the bed. There, Regulus sat down and James asked about his tea preferences before telling him to wait. “And don’t move. I’ll be right back.”
He hurried downstairs, still careful not to wake anyone, and began making tea. It didn’t take him long and a few moments later he was back on his way upstairs, two steaming hot cups of tea in his hands. He pushed open the door to Regulus’ room and found the boy kneeling on the floor again, trying to gather all the paper scraps with clumsy hands.
Merlin.
James put the cups on the bedside table then went to help Regulus move to the bed again. He closed the door, then settled on Regulus’ bed in front of the other boy. “There you go.” He handed him his cup of tea. “Now, do you want to talk about it or… I could try to distract you? Or do you just want some company? Because I don’t think it’s safe to leave you alone right now.”
Regulus stared at him then at the tea in his hands. “Tell me something funny.”, he asked, his voice still a little shaky.
Okay, distract then.
“Hm, lets see. So one time in fourth grade, and I’m sure you remember the aftermath, me and Sirius had this amazing idea…”
The tea cooled down as he told story after story, sometimes even getting something like a smile from Regulus. He knew that Regulus was thankful for the stories to occupy his mind instead of the letter from his horrible parents.
And James was just happy to help.
Time passed and they both finished their teas and Regulus seemed a little like himself again. The younger boy’s eyes began to close, the tiredness taking over his body very quickly after his breakdown. Just as James was about to leave, the light turned off and Regulus lying in his bed, he heard Regulus whisper a soft: “Please don’t leave.”
James turned around, a little confused. “I don’t want to be alone. I’ll dream of them. Please.” Regulus’ eyes were open now, big and afraid and James would fight the entire world to ensure that Regulus never had to feel like this again.
He would do anything, really.
So he nodded and Regulus scooted over to make room for James to lay down, which he did. And he stayed there, watching Regulus’ breathing slow down. After a while, Regulus turned over in his sleep, now facing James. His heart missed a beat.
What had he said about them looking like angels when they slept? Well, it was true. Regulus features were relaxed and he seemed peaceful, a drastic change from his expression from earlier.
Herbal. With a little bit of honey.
At least he now knew how Regulus liked his tea.
-------
James felt the sun on his eyelids and something that was tickling his face. Not ready to open his eyes yet, he shuffled around a little to bury himself deeper into the cosy blanket.
The thing tickling his face was now closer too. Weird.
He felt something move next to him. He opened his eyes, confused.
Oh.
Memories started flooding back into his brain, Regulus crying and asking him to stay. And obviously he did.
And now Regulus was lying right in front of him, Regulus’ back pressed against his front and his arm slung over Regulus’ waist. The thing tickling his face was silky black hair, spread over the pillow they had apparently shared.
Merlin. That certainly wasn’t good.
Has he just grabbed Regulus in his sleep and pulled him closer? This was so embarrassing. He had to move away as quickly as possible, before Regulus woke up.
He lifted his arm carefully then shuffled back a little, waiting for a reaction from Regulus. The other boy started making a little humming sound and James’ stomach did a very weird thing at that.
Regulus turned around, blinking the sleep from his eyes. The slytherin’s dark hair was a little tousled and he had lines from the pillow on his face. Suddenly, the strong urge to wrap Regulus in his arms, pull him back onto the bed and go back to sleep overcame him.
Regulus was so cute. He wanted to protect him. He wanted to go downstairs and make him breakfast. He wanted to wake up every morning with Regulus next to him. He wanted to press little kisses all over the other boy’s face.
Merlins’. Fucking. Left. Toe.
James was fucked. Like, supremely fucked.
And then, Regulus brain finally stared working and his eyes widened. He was on his feet in an instant, staring at James like he grew another head overnight. “You need to go”, the younger boy said, his expression unreadable but his voice urgent. “Now.”
And so he did. He left. Just like that.
A little while later he was sitting at the breakfast table with his friends and family. Regulus sat in the chair the farthest away from him, eating his eggs without even looking in the general direction of where James sat.
While everyone chatted and enjoyed their food, his head was running at full speed. Because you see, for some reason his stupid, stupid brain had decided that despite the insults and the clear disinterest from the other boy, James liked Regulus.
Which was just so fucking unfortunate for James.
He just got over Lily, finally content and ready to find someone who’ll actually want him back and then he goes and falls for Regulus, of all people. Cold, distant Regulus. But the thing was he knew that Regulus was so much more than that. He was kind and brave and funny and sometimes Regulus’ witty remarks made him question how much the boy had to hide himself in the house he grew up.
James wanted to tear his walls down and get to know the real Regulus, the one blushing when wearing his clothes and asking him to stay. Merlin, he was fucked.
In addition to that, James also didn’t fall for people often but when he did, he fell hard. So no matter how small his little crush was right now, he knew that it wouldn’t stay this way. He was an all or nothing kind of person.
Meaningless hookups were not for him, he was a hopeless romantic. And given the people his heart chose to have a crush on, he gave the word “hopeless” a whole new dimension.
Being in love with Lily since first year and giving her all that he could, trying to prove that he was good enough for her love everyday only to be met by mocking.
You know, James seemed like his ego was terribly big. And yes, he was feeling mostly content with himself now. But all these years of rejection without him knowing the reason have kind of messed with his head.
So here he was, having a little crisis at the breakfast table because he has fallen for someone who will never be able to return his affection again.
Wow. Great job, James.
He took another bite of his breakfast and then went back to sneaking glances at Regulus, wondering what he did to deserve this.