He was doing better.
Really, he was. His bad days were getting few and further between, and now that he had support, they weren’t even as bad anymore. The horizontal lines on his thighs are fading and no new ones have joined in months, and he’s back to a healthy weight. James says he’s radiant now.
Yet he couldn’t step out of his bed.
The night was long. He had stared at the walls, the ceiling, the back of his eyelids. He tried drinking a cup of chamomile tea, reading a boring textbook, imagining he was falling asleep next to James. No matter what he did, sleep had never came.
The longer he was awake, the more he spiraled. It really was a bad day, because eventually he couldn’t even muster up any defense against that critical inner voice.
He was nothing but trouble; James and his family had to take him in, feed him, and house him, and what could he give them in return? When would they give up on the broken Slytherin that would surely revert to his family ways?
He wasn’t wanted; his parents hadn’t even fought hard to get him back, not like they had Sirius. Sirius didn’t take him with him that final time he ran away. His family ignored him in the hallways.
James could do so much better. James was light itself; his smile lit up the whole room and his whole being was composed of light and warmth. He was gorgeous in every way, and half of Hogwarts wanted him. Why should he stay with Regulus? He was a pale, frail shadow who brought more baggage than what the Hogwarts Express could hold. There were so many beautiful people that could give him what Regulus couldn’t.
By the time his dorm mates rose, he was still awake. His eyes were closed, burning from the long night. He could hear them begin to move around and prepare for classes, but he couldn’t even tell them he was struggling.
Evan was the first to crawl out of bed, yawning. He always had woke before the others; he wasn’t a morning person, but he certainly didn’t struggle with it like the others did. Regulus heard the shower start, and he drifted in his thoughts until it stopped. Eventually Evan emerged with the scent of mint trailing him.
“Come on, Reg,” he said. “You need to get up if you want to beat Barty to the shower.”
Regulus should respond. He should quit being pathetic and tell him that he’s staying in today and not to worry. What kind of person can’t even speak and answer their own friend? Regulus, apparently.
Evan must have decided Regulus chose to sleep in, since Regulus heard him lift his bag from his desk and go out the door. Regulus opened his eyes, blinking at the familiar stone walls, before closing them again.
Barty was the next to get ready, with a slew of complaints and curses for the early hour. As usual, his shower was much longer, which was why Regulus usually tried to take one first. Today he couldn’t be bothered; how could he think about mustering up the energy for a shower when he can’t even get out of bed?
Suddenly something smacked into his leg. Regulus would have jumped, but he had no energy. Plus time was moving oddly; every minute felt like both an eternity and a second. He was just drifting along with it.
“Move it, Black,” Barty shouted. The next item thrown was Barty’s own wand, which smacked into the pillow inches away from Regulus’s face. It was almost enough to make him laugh, but not quite.
Regulus simply blinked at him with a blank expression.
“Playing hooky? I’m shocked,” Barty teased, coming over to retrieve the wand.
Regulus couldn’t answer, so he just shrugged as much as he could while lying down. Barty gathered his things and flipped Regulus off as he slipped out the door. “Not what I would spend my day doing if it was me, but you always were a weird one.” And then he was gone, and Regulus was alone again.
He was left alone to drown with his thoughts. Worthless, pathetic, weak.
The door opened again, but he could hear that it was done very gently. Not likely one of the boys then. Soft footsteps sounded as someone came closer, and then there was a soft weight sitting beside his leg on the bed.
“Hey, Reg,” Pandora whispered. “Bad day?”
Regulus stayed quiet.
She hummed and rested a hand on his ankle. “That’s okay. Can you just move your head so you can see me?”
Maybe it was the easy acceptance of his state of mind, or the unique friendship they had, but Regulus managed to pull from the little energy he had to just tilt his downwards while still lying on the pillow.
Pandora rewarded him with a small smile. “There you are,” she said. “Do you want me to go get James or Sirius to help?”
Regulus should say no. They were surely busy. They may not prioritize classes the most, but they were both actually clever and needed to keep their scores up for placement for work later. He shouldn’t pull them away because he’s too crazy to take care of himself.
But he can’t deny how much he wants them here. James and Sirius both were so good at distracting him from his own inner thoughts, and somehow they could convince him to take care of himself too.
Pandora sat silently, patiently waiting for an answer. Making up his mind, he gave a small nod. She gave another warm smile and patted his ankle. “Okay. I’ll go get them.”
She stood and walked to the door, pausing as she pulled it open. “Reg?”
He directed his eyes back to her.
“I’m proud of you.” With that, she gracefully exited the room.
Regulus couldn’t help but be filled with warmth. Pandora had told him for so long to ask for help when he needed it, and so often she would see him suffering when he chose not to. Her assurance made him think that maybe this was the right thing to do. She had always been clever and less of a mess than he was, so maybe he would trust her with this.
That moment of warmth faded the longer he was alone and began to second guess himself, but before he got too bad the door opened one more time. James and Sirius both came in, tossing their shoes off at the door.
“Hey, love,” James said softly, with a loving expression.
It never failed; Regulus would be falling apart and yet James never chose to walk away. He always came straight to him with unconditional love and support. Every time, Regulus had a small part of himself that felt like this would be it, this would be enough to push him away, but James always came for him. His chest ached as he was overwhelmed with the emotion it caused, like his body was too simple and damaged to contain or understand it.
“Oh, Reg,” James whispered as he sat down at the head of the bed, reaching over to wipe away the tears flowing down his cheeks. He hadn’t even realized he was crying, but now tears traced hot paths down his skin. He turned to place his head in James lap, curling into him.
James began gently playing with his hair. A hand gently patted his back to warn him before Sirius began rubbing patterns over his sweater, sitting down as well. “Having a rough day?” Sirius asked.
Regulus choked on a sob as he nodded, finally feeling his desperate self-control snap as he was surrounded by the love he thought he had lost forever.
“Do you want to talk about it?” James asked.
He took a moment to consider it. Now that he had given up on trying to reign in all emotion, his throat didn’t feel as constricted, and he knew he was safe here. They waited for him, and eventually he managed to pull together a couple of words. “Couldn’t sleep at all, bad thoughts. Couldn’t s-stop.” His voice was hoarse as he forced his vocal chords to work.
They both hummed to show they heard him. Sirius’s mother hen tendency showed as he asked, “have you eaten anything?”
Regulus shook his head slightly. “Not since lunch yesterday.” His stomach had been turning all day as anxiety rose, but he thought he could calm himself down before bed. As the day wore on, he fell back on one of his bad coping mechanisms; after all, he couldn’t control his thoughts, but he could control what he ate.
“If I get you a plate of food, do you think you could try to eat a little?”
Regulus hesitated. Sensing this, James carefully tucked a curl behind his ear. “Can you try, even if it’s just a little bit? It’d make me feel better knowing you ate something.”
Looking up into his earnest expression, Regulus slowly nodded. He always did have an easier time doing something if it was for somebody else, even if he knew it was really for his benefit.
“Okay, Reg.” With a last squeeze on his shoulder, Sirius stood. He pulled his shoes back on before heading back out to the Great Hall to fix him something.
James and Regulus were left alone for the time being. Closing his eyes, Regulus pulled his lower body up so he was curled around James, who he could hear let out a chuckle. The fingers continued playing with his hair, occasionally running over his cheek.
“I’m glad you asked for help, Reg. I know it can be hard for you, and even when you couldn’t speak, you still managed to reach out to us,” he said.
Regulus angled his head up so he could look at James, who was staring down at him.
Seeing Regulus blink up at him with so much trust, he was unable to stop himself from leaning down and gently kissing him. When he pulled back, he kept his hand on Regulus’s cheek, lightly stroking it. “I love you,” he whispered.
“I love you too.” Regulus’s voice may be scratchy, but it was still one of the most beautiful things James had ever heard.
“Do you want to try to take a shower before Sirius gets back?” James asked. He knew Regulus didn’t feel like getting up, but he also knew his lover always felt better after getting clean. Like he was washing away the bad thoughts. “I can lay out some warm clothes for you once you get back out. We can stay down here until my exam, and then I’ll come back.”
Regulus nodded, finding a bit more energy after soaking in James’s warmth. Even though physically he was more or less fine, James still helped him as he rose up. He was rewarded with another kiss once he was standing, one with a bit more heat that left him almost dazed. Pulling back, James laughed as he blearily blinked his eyes back open, before redirecting him towards the bathroom.
Once underneath the warm spray of water, Regulus released a long sigh. He hadn’t realized it, but his joints were aching after spending so long in bed for long periods of time in the same position. As he washed the oil from his hair and scrubbed his body, the fresh scent of mint and melon made him feel refreshed. He stepped out and toweled off and reemerged with the towel around his waist.
His heart swelled again once he saw the room. True to his word, James had laid out some of his favorite comfy clothes. The bed had been straightened up, water sat on the end table, and a candle was lit on his desk. The room before had felt suffocating and dark, but now, it was comfortable and cozy. James looked up as he walked in and gave one of his sunny grins. “Here, I’ll put the warming charm on the clothes!”
Regulus smiled softly as he pulled everything on, the heat soaking down into his bones. Once done, he joined James on the bed again. This time, James was sitting with his back against the headboard, with Regulus lying curled into his side beside him, resting his head against James’s chest. As they settled, Regulus let out a content sigh.
James’s fingers returned to his hair, carefully brushing it out with his fingers and fixing the curls. “Do you want to talk about last night?”
Biting his lip, Regulus shook his head. He still felt a bit fragile, and he didn’t want to ruin the atmosphere right away by bringing it up.
“That’s okay,” James said. “We don’t have to right now.”
They laid in peaceful silence for a few moments as Regulus considered how lucky he was. James very rarely pushed him to talk, and even then he could recognize that it was when something needed to be said. At times like this, he allowed Regulus to come to him in his own time.
A knock sounded on the door. “You better be decent because I’m coming in!”
Rolling his eyes, Regulus thumped his head against James’s chest, making him laugh.
Sirius came in, carrying a two small plates of breakfast food. He placed one on the end table before sitting down, holding his own. James nudged Regulus until he sat between his legs, resting his back against James’s chest.
Regulus held his plate in his hands, looking down at it. Two pieces of toast, which would be easy on his stomach. Some fresh grapes off to the side. A small dollop of yogurt with blueberries in it. Regulus always did prefer to start his day with light food and some fruit. Some deep part of him was touched at Sirius’s knowledge of his preferences, even though with their past it wasn’t surprising.
Even with all that consideration, he was still unable to bring himself to start eating.
Sirius picked up on it, and he bumped his side into Regulus’s leg playfully. “Bite for bite?”
It was an old game they played, if one could call it that. When Sirius had noticed Regulus losing weight and struggling to eat, he had came up with this method to help. For every bite Sirius took, Regulus would try to take one of his own. Sirius never got angry if he couldn’t finish it or took a long time, he would just keep going until Regulus ate as much as he was able to.
With his help, Regulus was eventually able to clear the plate off. It didn’t even settle heavily on his stomach, since Sirius picked the food so well. Sirius reached out flicked his nose with a grin as he collected their plates. “Good job, Regulus! I’m proud of you.”
“You did so well, love,” James added, kissing his cheek.
Regulus blushed with all the attention, looking down at his hands.
“I’ll drop these off on my way to classes,” Sirius announced, standing. “Now I’ll leave you two gross lovebirds to yourselves, although I expect you to be a gentleman, James.”
With a groan, Regulus dropped his head into his hands.
He was surprised when he was pulled into a tight hug. “I love you, you know. You’ll always be my little brother.”
Blinking back tears, Regulus reached out to hold Sirius back just as tightly, fisting his hands in his brother’s robes. “I love you too,” he choked out.
They stayed that way for a moment before Sirius pulled back, his eyes teary as well. Collecting himself, he left the room.
Regulus was tired now, the lack of sleep catching up with him, but he didn’t feel the pull of sleep. Knowing him well, James suggested he read to Regulus. This way, Regulus wouldn’t be lost in his own thoughts, but he wouldn’t have to talk. The pair rearranged themselves, with James now reclining on the bed but propped up by pillows, and Regulus laid down again with his head on James’s chest, happily listening to his heartbeat.
“What book do you want me to read?”
Lifting his head slightly, Regulus pointed at the old book on his nightstand, the one he reread often. It was his comfort story, if that existed.
Without a word, James reached over and retrieved it. His deep voice filled the room. Regulus felt his body relax as the familiar sound and story washed over him. His body began to feel weighed down as his eyes closed, and soon his breaths evened out as he finally drifted off to sleep.
He slept for a few hours without any nightmares before he felt James move out from underneath him. He let out an unhappy whine, and James kissed his forehead. “Sorry, love. After I take this exam, I’ll come right back. I promise.”
Regulus relented and laid back, snuggling into the blanket James had tucked around him. He drifted for a few moments before something leaped up onto the bed. Jumping slightly, Regulus cracked his eyes open to look down. Padfoot was making his way up to him before curling up against his chest. Smiling, Regulus spread the blanket over him as well and settled back down with his arms around the furry creature. They both drifted back to sleep, and Regulus knew no nightmares would come.
When James came back from his exam, his eyes softened as he laid eyes on his lover. Padfoot and Regulus were happily asleep, lying together. So many things in his life could have gone wrong, and James wouldn’t have been able to have this. A couple years ago, he would never expect to see this relationship between Regulus and Sirius. Seeing this and knowing everything would be okay, he tossed his shoes off and crawled into the other side of the bed.
Regulus stirred slightly, but James whispered, “It’s just me, love.” He settled back down with a happy smile, leaving his face tilted towards James. He laid behind Regulus, draping an arm over his side as he carefully covered the trio with a blanket.
As he finally joined the other two in slumber, he had a passing thought that they probably made a pretty odd picture. But in the safety and warmth of the room and with his lover taken care of, he elected to ignore it.