Working Title

April 26th, 2014 9:45 PM

“It’s fucking biblical in here!” Sirius is shouting over music that has been in constant circulation on every radio station for the last six months. Sirius is right it’s a bit biblical. High school parties whether or not they try to be cliche, are always in some form cliche. Like the couple in the corner trying to recreate the scene from ‘Ghost’ with a bong. Sirius beams at James and makes his way toward the kitchen. James stays in the entryway, he lets the muggy air begin to stick to his clothes. It’s like dipping your finger into the bath water before you strip down. Ease into it. A girl he doesn’t know grabs his arm and thrusts him into the house. Not easing into apparently.

“James!” The girl he now thinks is in her Senior English class hugs her tight. “I didn’t think you’d come! It’s so cool to have you here, if you want to smoke use the porch. Have fun!” She leaves. James stands there. And stands there for some more time. He looks around the party. Sirius walks back towards him, no drink in hand, odd.

“Hey, my mom just called and asked me where I was so I have to go back home really quick but I’ll sneak out again so just stay here and I’ll be back.” He leaves before James can even get a word in. Sirius’s mom wouldn’t notice if he was out at a party getting shitfaced but Sirius likes to play the part of the disappointing son. James understands.

He’s not staying here. He’ll stay here for a little while. He walks up the stairs toward the second floor of the house. A girl stands on one of the steps, looks James in the eyes, and then looks back at the floor.

“Hi, James.” He finally says after they stand in silence for a second. She’s a nice girl. James would like her if he cared about that sort of thing. He nods and continues to walk. He finds a bathroom and shuts the door. The window opposite the door is cracked open and there’s a boy sitting between the window sill and the bottom of the window frame. James lets out a constipated chuckle. The boy turns around a narrows his eyes at James.

“Where’s Sirius?” He asks dismissively.

“Gone. Where are your friends?” James asks.

“Gone.” They stare at each other for a beat. “Wanna smoke in that shed?” The boy points to the shed at the farthest corner of the backyard. He doesn’t take his eyes off James waiting for a reply. James nods. That’s how he finds himself twenty-three minutes later smoking a joint with Regulus.

“Why do we never hang out?” James asks, his voice a little raspy. “We should hang out more. We always used to hang out when you were little.” James remembers Regulus following them around, remembers pushing Regulus off of swings but catching him right before he fell.

“Probably because you call me Sirius’s little brother.” Regulus takes a last hit of the joint, coughs, and then stubs it out on the bottom of his shoe. James regrets it now.

“Sorry, that’s probably annoying.” James suddenly doesn’t know what to say. The only subject he thinks to bring up is Sirius, but Regulus doesn’t want to talk about Sirius. He thinks Sirius might be an odd topic at the moment but she doesn’t know why she thinks that. Regulus looks up at James. James looks at Regulus, it’s all very slow going. “Do you like your mom?” James finally says. Regulus scoffs.

“Yeah, I guess.” He looks back down at her shoes, twirling the roach of the joint in his fingers. “What do you think of your mom?” Regulus asks back. James doesn’t know. Well, he knows a lot of things about his mom, but he doesn’t know what he thinks of her. He knows what other people think about his mom. Fantastic. Innovative. Brilliant. Next voice of a generation. He knows what critics think of his mom. He knows what his father thinks of his mom. Smart. Kind. Stubborn. A little selfish. James swallows nothing. He looks at Regulus’s shoes too.

“I don’t know.” He finally answers. Regulus laughs at nothing. Too long between conversations for it to be James's response. He looks at James and laughs. “What?”

“Nothing, you just- you,” Regulus laughs again. You. It’s a bold statement. Regulus freezes just for a millisecond, quick enough to miss. It is for Regulus, it goes over James’s head. “I’m gonna go home, I think. I feel weird.” He gets up. James gets up too.

“I’ll come with you, you shouldn’t walk home alone. Plus I have to find Sirius. Sorry, I shouldn’t talk about Sirius. I ramble sometimes.” James shrugs at the statement like it’s just something he’s memorized since he was little. And it is. He remembers being eight years old and saying Sorry, I talk a lot. He always said it even though he was never sorry. Sirius once told him to never stop talking and to keep rambling if someone told him to. Regulus looks at him, there’s a dazed expression on his face.

“I like your rambling,” Regulus says, and then that other expression is on his face again. It feels a bit like a plague. James smiles at the statement, thinking nothing of it except that he’s floaty and hungry. Regulus begins to walk out the door, and James follows. He turns quickly at the last second, remembering the candle they lit as a light source left in the middle of the shed. He turns fast enough however that the candle tips over. It hits the ground and the flame turns bigger and begins to spread. Confused, James follows the trail all the way to the back of the shed where she sees a red canister. James may be ‘floaty’ but never completely daft. He grabs Regulus’s arm and sprints. Seconds later a large boom comes from the shed. A cloud of smoke leaks out of the broken windows and the fire inside looks larger.

“We should go!” James says with a large comical smile on his face. Regulus is struck and still struggling to understand what happened, doesn’t follow. Not until James grabs his arm once again and takes off in a run. They hop the fence lining the right side of the house. James pulls Regulus over and grabs his arm once again. Halfway down the block, he moves his hand from his forearm to his hand. He interlaces their fingers and pulls. James runs in diagonals. Crossing the street taking random lefts, a random right. It’s the same neighborhood he’s lived in his whole life and it feels brand new. James takes a final right and almost trips on a curb but Regulus catches him by the waist just in time. They both laugh and run and run. They’re streets away from home. They stop in one of the alleys a few streets down from the house and its burning shed. James stops and puts his hands on his hips, tips his head back, and breathes out great big breaths. He counts each one. He gets to eight and looks at Regulus, his head level with him again. Regulus is still staring at James with that expression. James doesn’t understand. James starts to ask a question and then there are hands on his shoulders pushing him into a wood fence. He winces for a second. But the sound doesn’t come out. Regulus’s mouth is on him. James is sure his eyes are comically wide. He blinks, grabs the shoulders of Regulus’s shirt, and fists them in his hands. He kisses him back. It feels violent, it feels like something they write epochs about. James turns his head and it’s something to write epochs about, it’s something to never stop thinking or talking or rambling about. And for just a second, he thinks he understands it all.

Regulus pulls back. He coughs once. James knows this, he’s done it with girls who wanted an idea of him, and he’s done it over and over again. He’s run away and he’s about to let it happen to him until he starts to hear Regulus apologize. But the truth is. James knows how this ends because it was always going to start innocently. So it has to end bloody. James is seventeen. He doesn’t know much. But he knows this. He steps closer to Regulus. The apology isn’t finished.

“Can I?” James asks the question that was never asked in the first place. Regulus looks at him. And it’s the first time they’ve really looked at each other in six years. He nods. James kisses him once again. Gentler, this time. Afterward, he takes Regulus’s hand. Kisses the knuckle of his thumb and tugs him in the direction of the street. They walk home. They don’t speak, not until they’re standing in the middle of their street in between their two homes. Regulus steps closer, just one step. He envelopes James and digs his face into the juncture between his neck and his shoulder. He breathes once, steps back, and walks away. James watches. James knows how this ends. Bloody and illicit. Unfair and a little shattered. He looks at the streetlight a few houses down. He lets out a single laugh and skips in random patterns. He walks to her front door and smiles. He closes the door. It’s the beginning.

.........

April 25th, 2022 6:02 AM

James sits in the shower. Sits, literally. On the tiles. He’s scrubbed and scrubbed. It won’t come off today. He stands and turns off the shower head. It croaks, gives out, and stops. He opens the shower curtain and there on the white bathmat lays a dog. The dog that’s been in the house since his mom died. The one that wandered in one day weeks after his mother had been buried and just never left. Her name is Zep short for Zeppelin. His father scoffed at the name when he told him. His brother just shook his head. Sirius cradled Zep’s snout to his cheek and held her till he licked his nose. Zep looks up at James. James looks down at Zep. She sits beside him as he gets ready, and follows him from room to room. He walks into the bathroom. The mirror is still cracked in the corner. He looks in the mirror and sees the dark swollen area that is his eye. It looks painted on. The bridge of his nose has a small gash. He puts a band-aid over it. It’s covered in small polka dots. He grins at his reflection. He walks out of the bathroom and turns off the light behind him. Zeppelin follows him out. When he goes to walk out the door he stands at the staircase and looks at her. He has a sudden flash of deja vu. Suddenly, Zep is the childhood dog who wanders around the house trailing after his mother. James can see his mom at the front door saying. “God bless and keep you.” James pats the dog’s head once and walks out the door.

The school he works in is always drafty and badly ventilated. The two might go hand in hand. The halls are lined with yellowish, orangeish tile that is spotted with random colors. James counts the tiles on his way to the classroom. He opens the door and is greeted with the same scene he sees every Monday through Friday. The poster in the corner reads Would you buy a used car from this man? with a picture of Richard Nixon. He walks to the desk at the back corner of the room and kicks the chair out. There’s a picture of him and his brother in a frame. The writing at the bottom is faded and smudged in one corner. His mother’s handwriting.

11:30 AM

It hasn’t happened in a while and he’s glad this is where he is when it does. He can feel the beginning of it twenty minutes earlier. The loose feeling in his fingertips. His chest getting warm. He shakes his hands out and shakes and shakes. It started with a student asking what his dad’s name was and then the student asked his mother’s name. And before he could get a word out there it was. That feeling of emptiness in his body. Like something was pushing at him and pushing. He sits at his desk now and puts his head between his forearms. Breathes, that’s all there is. He looks at the calendar on his desk and sees writing on the box for today. Bachelorette party, it reads. He puts his head back down and breathes out again.

8:10 PM

James walks into the bar. It’s been here all his life but he hasn’t been here since he was twenty-one and got so wasted by midnight his mom had to pick him up. He remembers Sirius in the front seat, nearly as drunk, easily talking to his mother. He remembers the cool leather of his mother’s car seats. The smell of stale tobacco and a wave of nausea. He remembers thinking about someone else in the backseat of the same car. Smiling up at him. The feeling he had years ago in the same car in the same backseat and feeling like it would last forever. Hoping it would last forever. He remembers his face being wet when he sat up in the car. he remembers vomiting in his mom’s purse.

Walking into the bar, James spots Julia from across the room. Julia waves to him. Julia is a nice girl. She’s nice. And that’s all James has ever thought of her, he never formed any other opinion. He hates himself a bit for it. He walks forward into Julia and her outstretched arms. James pats her once and then twice on the back. Julia lets her go.

His brother had asked him to come to the bachelorette party, James did not understand why. “You barely know each other” had been his brother’s response when he asked. How getting shit-faced with his brother’s fiance and her friends was going to help that he didn’t know.

“You made it! Dan said you had to grade papers.” She smiles with every word she says, and James wonders how she gets the words out. James nods at her.

“I figured I should come.” James looks past Julia and sees her gaggle of friends. Women and two men James doesn’t recognize. They wave at him, he holds his hand up in greeting. James hears Julia give an intake of breath he follows her eyes to see Sirius stroll in. James smiles. Sirius crosses the room and hugs Julia tight. They go into a quick upbeat conversation about the night’s plans. They bring up the wedding in a few days. Sirius tells Julia he’s so excited for the two of them. Sirius greets every single person behind Julia and shakes their hands easily when he does. He asks their names, repeating what they say back to them. He finally turns to James, looks him over, and pats his cheek. Julia turns her attention away from her friends to the pair.

“Shall we drink?” Everyone behind her cheers in response. Sirius faces James, looking directly into his eyes.

“Are you drinking tonight?” James considers it, considers alcohol and himself. Not always a pretty pair. Truth be told James is shit scared of any substance.

“No, I’m gonna go easy.” He gives a smile after the sentence. Sirius frowns for a minute and then smirks at his friend. He puts his hands on his shoulders.

“Good for you,” he smirks again.

11:48 PM

Three bars later into their bar stroll as it is called, James was in an alley pondering the inner workings of cigarettes. A crow is perched on the top of the fence adjacent to the bar’s alley. James looks at it, turns away when it looks back at him. Making a face of confusion as he does. He turns to the man beside him, he can’t remember his name.

“It’s just so cool ya know? Like it takes so much to make it but it’s also so simple. I think hand-rolled cigarettes are so cool. You know what you’re smoking. It’s so much simpler that way!” The man beside him nods. He looks between his face and the cigarette in his fingers as he speaks. He still can’t remember his name. Ben? No, maybe not. The door that leads to the bar swings open. It bangs against the wall. A figure stands in the doorway. Then shrugs and walks down the concrete steps towards the alley.

“James!” Sirius shouts. He tucks his arms close to his body and then runs head-first into James. They nearly topple over. The man beside them laughs and then pilfers the cigarette still in James’s fingers.

“James?” The man asks. James thinks his name might be Matt. James opens his mouth to answer but Sirius beats him to it.

“Well here’s the thing Scott. This ole chap here is quite interesting-” he begins before he has to stop and catch his breath. “-did you know he can name all the countries in the world? Do it James, show him.” He hiccups once and opens his mouth to start again. He closes it tight and nods at the man beside the two. The man stares at them both. James just stares back at the man. He laughs once awkwardly, but the pair don’t catch it.

“I’m gonna head inside. I’ll see you inside.” They both nod at Scott as he walks back up the stairs and back into the bar. James blinks after him.

“I didn’t know his name was Scott,” he says toward the stairs. Sirius looks at him with indifference.

“Is it? I don’t remember.” He’s checking his pockets for something. James laughs so hard it comes up all at once, ugly and loud. He holds his head against the wall. His whole body shakes with it. A sudden wave of nausea hits and he clamps his mouth shut. He turns while his head still rests against the wall until his back is against it now. Sirius is looking up towards the sky swaying in place, humming to himself.

“Wanna go home?” Sirius looks back down at that. He smiles and nods. They start walking down the road. They get two streets down before James stops short, grabbing Sirius’s sleeve in the process. He gasps dramatically.

“We forgot to say goodbye.”

“It’s okay, I’m half Irish.” Sirius says, straight-faced. James frowns at the ground but keeps walking.

“I feel so bad,” he’s in the soppy period of the night, “I know nothing about Julia and she’s been around for four years.” He kicks a rock that lies in the middle of the sidewalk. “She’s nice…” he lets the sentence trail off and leaves it there. He kicks the rock again. Sirius is silent next to him, humming a discordant tune. James thinks it might be an old Stones song that was playing in the first bar. They get to their street. They had walked the sidewalks the whole way home. Every time they got to a crossroads, Sirius would grab James back from the crossing without looking. James lost his rock a long time ago. They get to the middle ground between their houses. Their driveways are on opposite sides so it’s just a patch of grass and approximately ten feet between their houses. They stand facing each other. They both put their palms out, turn them over, make a fist, and then slowly bump them together. They giggle at the handshake.

“You always only say ‘she’s nice…’”, Sirius makes an effort to drag the sentence out similar to the way James had. “I just think you’re afraid of getting to know her.” James huffs at that.

“James-” Sirius puts his hands on James’s shoulders. He looks deep into his eyes like he’s making a business deal or that these may be his last words. “You're my best friend and I love you.” James giggles at the statement. Sirius slaps his cheek.

“Damn!”

“Say it back!”

“Ok! I love you!”

“I’m your best friend!”

“You're my best friend!” Sirius pats his shoulder.

“Cool!” James raises his hand and pats his shoulder back. Sirius goes to slap his cheek once again and then stops suddenly, turns, and begins to throw up on the side of his own house. James laughs with his hands on her knees. He thinks he might pee his pants. He looks up at the sound of a window opening. James looks up at his own house, to his own bedroom window. He gives a confused look at the window when it remains unopened.

“Are you drunk?” A voice says from the window of the house over. James looks at the speaker. Ah. Regulus looks down at his brother who’s still throwing up on the side of the house.

“Hi.” James waves at Regulus. He immediately feels weird about it and puts his hand down. Regulus looks over at him. James’s sleeves flutter out at his sides when he puts his arm down. He forgot he had unbuttoned them earlier. Odd. He stares down at the cuffs of his shirt.

“How’s the eye?” Regulus isn’t looking at James, he’s looking at Sirius trying to move from his knees to his feet. James sees this and hurries over to help. Sirius groans in response. James walks with him like a toddler leading a toddler, to the back door. Opens it and sort of pushes him in. He goes to enter the house too when Sirius just shoos him away from the entrance and then shuts the door with his foot. James shrugs and then walks back toward his own house. He opens the back screen door. Zep bounds to the door and shoves her snout into his knees. He barely makes his way up the stairs. He finds his door, pushes it open with his elbow, and slaps at the light with his other hand. He runs his knees into the bed and pushes his whole weight into the bed ready to fall into the mattress. He misses. When he picks himself up off the floor, he tears the flannel off his torso and flings it across the room. A small ‘plink’ comes from his window. He moves to stand on his bed on his knees and looks out the window. Regulus is still there in his window, elbows on the windowsill. He opens the window. It groans under the effort.

“You didn’t answer my question.” Regulus has an unreadable mask on his face. James lets out a small huff.

“It’s fine.” He prods at the area around his eye and feels the edge of the band-aid suddenly very aware of its existence.

“How’s Julia?”

“She’s-” James stops herself. He searches his mind for a second.

“You were going to say nice weren’t you?” James pulls a face, and Regulus laughs at it.

“No. I was gonna say she’s stressed.”

“With the wedding?” Regulus seems genuinely interested in the conversation their having.

“Ya, I suppose.” Regulus nods at the answer.

“And how are you?”

“With the wedding?” James thinks he might be missing something. Regulus shakes his head. He is missing something. Regulus sucks his lips and then stops. He stares away past James for a second. James wants to keep him looking at him. The problem is he’s drunk and he says stupid things when he’s drunk. But sober thoughts, right?

“I miss you.” The expression on Regulus’s face changes. James’s words are a bit like a gunshot. He always had a way of saying the wrong thing.

“You don’t get to say that,” he says it without an ounce of emotion on his face. He pulls himself back from the window and closes it, he whips the curtains shut as well. James slumps back against his bed. After years and distance, he still gets it wrong. He lets his knees give out and lets himself fall face-first into the mattress. Fuck Regulus. He thinks. Fuck him and his missing and fuck me and my yearning and fuck-

He’s asleep before he can finish the thought.