Chapter 6
Remus’ legs are shaking with effort, his hands gripped tightly on the bars positioned on either side of his hips.
It’s been nearly two months since his LVAD placement surgery and while he’s feeling stronger than he was immediately after the surgery, all of the therapies and rehab plans are grueling and painful. He spends hours every single day working to practice walking, using his hands, and speaking.
The only saving grace is that Sirius has made some additions to the home gym so that Remus can have physical therapy at home rather than traveling to a rehab facility every single day, and all of his other therapies are easily moved to the house as well.
So, despite being stronger, he’s still tired and lethargic, his swollen legs and belly are painful, and the fluid in his lungs makes it impossible for him to be off of the ventilator for more than a couple of minutes.
In the two months since his surgery, the doctors have put Remus on a strict fluid restriction diet and upped the dosage on his diuretics in an attempt to get the swelling and fluid in his lungs under control. All it really seemed to do was make Remus pee his pants so much that Sirius, Effie, and his nurses could hardly keep up with diaper changes and required the bed sheets to be changed several times per week. Which is why his urologist had a urinary catheter placed, which has helped with that one particular problem even though it was quite uncomfortable.
On top of the fluid retention, Remus can hardly eat. Everything turns his stomach and he struggles to swallow because the tracheostomy surgery has made his throat and airway so sensitive to any stimuli that he gags at anything bigger than a grain of rice, even ice chips. The NG tube has helped him with nutrition for a while but NG tubes are just not a great long-term solution. Dr. Dearborn was the one to suggest the g-tube, “Just until you can manage eating by mouth again, Remus.”
So now Remus also has a PEG tube in his belly to give him food. He’s got so many tubes and devices in his body now that Remus is beginning to feel like some kind of twisted science experiment, a Frankenstein’s monster constantly being reconfigured with extra parts and pieces being added and modifications being made to his body just so that it will function like a body should be functioning.
He knows that modern medicine is a miracle but sometimes he wishes that he’d been born at some other point in history where the doctors would have been powerless to help him survive. He could have gone to the doctor and would have just done their best to make him comfortable and allow him to go peacefully. Currently, Remus would feel guilty if he didn’t try every option available to him to save his life. He couldn’t do that to Sirius or to Lily.
He has these thoughts a lot these days no matter how often he tries to suppress them.
He has them when Sirius and the nurses are wrestling him into his tight compression socks and then the PTs are making him walk between the bars even as he cries from exhaustion and the pain of bearing weight on his blue, swollen feet.
He has them when Sirius is disconnecting his ventilator to suction his trach, his face turning purple from lack of oxygen, the feeling of suffocation so pressing that he usually ends up in tears and having to be soothed by Sirius’ loving words after it's finished.
He has them when he thinks about how he’s going through so much pain and suffering and realizing that there is still the chance he won’t receive his new heart in time or that he might receive it but die during the transplant operation or die from rejection of his new heart after the surgery.
He’s twenty-seven. This isn’t fair. He wanted to be a dad and have a family with Sirius. All he’s wanted since meeting Sirius at the age of eighteen was to show him all of the love Sirius had been neglected when growing up, to prove to Sirius that he was worthy and good and capable of being loved. Now, all he’s doing is sucking up Sirius’ love and not having the energy to properly reciprocate, like a parasite.
“Okay, Remus, you're finished for the day, let’s get you on the table for stretching and massage,” Rocco, his physical therapist declares once Remus has finally made it to the end of the bars.
Together with his PT assistants, Rocco helps Remus walk over to the PT bed and assists him in settling down onto his back, so that Rocco can stretch and massage his legs. Remus closes his eyes when he’s finally lying down, allowing Rocco to do all the work of the stretching and massages.
He helps Remus into his wheelchair at the end of their session and gives Remus’ shoulder a friendly squeeze, “You’re doing so well Remus. I know that this is so difficult but you’re crushing this, Sirius is going to be so surprised to see how much progress you’ve made just in the last week.”
Remus smiles at him tiredly and then he’s being wheeled away by his nurse back to his room for a long, much-deserved nap.
It has been two months since Remus has been able to speak using his voice. For the past two months all of his communication has been through mouthing silent words, nodding or shaking his head, using the limited ASL he knows, and/or writing or typing what he wants to say.
It has been incredibly frustrating for Remus, to say the least. He can’t easily express any of his more complex thoughts and he feels incredibly vulnerable not easily being able to get the attention of somebody across the room who isn’t looking at him.
This is all without mentioning the way people treat Remus because he can’t speak. While his friends and family are all so wonderful and patient with him, when he's out in public, strangers won’t speak to him directly because he can’t speak back. Even at doctor’s offices, the nurses and office personnel will often ignore him in favor of speaking directly to Sirius.
Of course, Sirius doesn’t allow that kind of behavior and is an amazing advocate for Remus but those situations just don’t do much for his self-image. He’s already incredibly self-conscious of his trach and ventilator tubing and the LVAD machine he wears in a bag, the wires not easily hidden. It’s just one more blow to his self-esteem when he’s treated as being incapable of having any thoughts or opinions, especially when medical professionals treat him as if he knows nothing about his own health.
For these reasons, among others, Remus works hardest at speech therapy. He dutifully sits for a couple of hours per day working on breathing exercises with the respiratory therapist and the swallowing exercises with his speech therapist.
“Okay Remus,” his speech therapist addresses him directly. “Today’s the day you’ve been waiting for, we’re going to get you outfitted with a new type of tracheostomy tube. This new tube will hopefully allow you to vocalize at least a little bit while still being able to help you maintain the ventilator settings you need.”
Sirius holds his hand tightly as his respiratory therapist and nurse work together to do a quick trach tube change. Remus squeezes his eyes shut as he coughs and gags as the tube irritates his airway but it’s over quickly and after the cuff is inflated and a quick trach suction, the nurse is reattaching his ventilator.
Immediately he feels the strange sensation of air passing through his upper airway and tickling the back of his throat. It’s a weird sensation considering he hasn’t breathed out of his mouth in months.
“Okay, Remus,” Jessica, the speech therapist addresses him. “Can you try counting to ten?”
Remus opens his mouth and begins to count. At first nothing happens but slowly, his voice becomes audible. It’s barely a whisper and its incredibly scratchy but it’s there. And it takes a few tries but once Jessica reminds him to try and time his speaking with the ventilator exhales, his voice becomes louder and easier to understand.
“Oh my god,” Remus’ voice is choked with emotion, tears in his eyes. “Oh my god, oh my god…”
Sirius is emotional too. He’s squeezing Remus’ hand and kissing his face, “It’s so good to hear your beautiful voice, baby.”
Remus turns his head and finds Sirius’ eyes with his own, tears streaming down his face.
“Sirius,” Remus says with his scratchy, hoarse voice. “Sirius, I love you. I love you so much.”
Oh, how he’s wanted to say these words for so long. Of course, he’s said them in many other ways but it feels different to say them with his voice.
“I love you so much too, Remus,” Sirius says, placing a kiss on Remus’ tear stained cheeks. “I’m so proud of you, Rem.”
Remus continues to practice using his voice for the rest of his speech therapy session and by the end, his vocal cords are worn out and his throat is mildly sore. But he’s not bothered. He’s so happy, having his voice back is one of the best things to happen to him in a long time.
Sirius is at the rink early tonight. None of his teammates are there yet but he’s already working on making sure everything is ready to go for the game and then he’s going to do a bit of light warm up before everybody else arrives to dress out.
Tonight is the home opener and it's the Gryffindor Lions vs. New York Rangers. Sirius should be excited but…
Sirius is stressed and, honestly, a bit out of his mind as he begins his pre-game routine.
Sirius misses Remus and desperately wants him to come to the game, even though they’ve discussed it and Sirius made it clear to Remus that he understands that Remus will probably want to stay home and not come to any games until he’s better.
And Sirius does understand. He does. But that doesn’t mean he’s not sad about it.
Remus has never missed a single one of Sirius’ NHL season opener games but now he’s still getting used to all of his new tubes and the other medical equipment he has. He can hardly stay awake for more than an hour or two at a time so Sirius just can’t imagine that Remus would be able to enjoy coming to a game. In fact, he’s sure Remus might actually be incredibly uncomfortable being away from home that long.
However, he can’t deny to himself that he wants Remus there and feels a bit resentful of their current situation. For the most part, Sirius’ entire life revolves around Remus and Remus’ needs and Remus’ comfort and Remus’ doctor’s appointments and medical procedures, which he, of course, doesn’t mind one bit. But he does wish to have that loving support from his husband during his important stuff, too.
He’s jealous knowing that Lily, Harry, and Emma will definitely be there for James and the other guys’ girlfriends and wives and families will be there to watch. And, of course, Sirius will have Reg and Barty and Evan in the crowd as always but, well, that’s just not the same. He wants Remus. He’s only ever looked for Remus in the crowd since they started dating all those years ago.
Morbidly, Sirius worries that if Remus doesn’t come to any of his games this season that maybe Remus will never come to a game again. He’s worried that he took the last time Remus was healthy enough to attend a game for granted and he feels that familiar gnawing of guilt that tells him that this is all his fault because he was ungrateful, because he took Remus for granted.
Ungrateful, selfish boy. Never thinking about anybody but yourself.
It’s his mother’s voice, he can hear it ringing through his head clear as a bell. He can feel the ghost of the slaps and punches, the way his father’s rings would bite into his cheeks, the way his scalp would burn for days after his hair was yanked viciously.
Sirius nearly jumps out of his skin when a hand lands on his shoulder.
“Hey, easy Pads…”
James. It’s just James.
“You’re okay, man. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to startle you.”
Sirius doesn’t answer, just looks up at James and attempts a smile that comes across more as a dejected grimace instead.
James immediately pulls him into a tight embrace because he knows that look, knows that when he makes Sirius jump like that it's because he’s just pulled Sirius out of a flashback from his childhood in that awful house with those evil people…
“Hey, hey Pads,” James says, holding his brother close. “You’re okay, it’s okay. We’re here at the rink about to play our home opening game. You’re safe. I promise you’re safe. I’ve got your, Sirius.”
Sirius feels tears prick his eyes and he whispers, ashamed, “I feel like it’s all my fault. All my fault that Remus is suffering just like it was all my fault my parents… that they… they, y’know… me and Reg…”
Sirius trails off at that. Even after all these years he struggles to say the word abused. He feels like if he says it, then the trauma becomes really real. As long as he doesn’t speak it into the world, he can continue to convince himself that it wasn’t as bad as it was that it really was all his fault.
James has heard this kind of talk from Sirius before and it never gets easier to hear. He just pulls him in and continues to help his best friend ground himself and settle back in his body so that they can go out there and play. He wants to reach for the anxiety meds but knows that Sirius won’t take him, that he doesn't want to risk his thoughts being too muddled by medicine during the game.
James just hopes that the surprise he has in store for Sirius was a good idea because he hadn’t realized Sirius was struggling so much today.
American Airlines Center was already beginning to fill up with fans in all permutations of Green and White and Green and Black Jerseys.
Together, as a group, Lily and the kids, James’ parents, Marlene, Evan, Barty, and Pandora all follow Regulus and Arthur as Reg pushes Remus’ wheelchair and Arthur carries all of the medical supplies to their section. Once there, they’re met by James and several of the other guys from the team. James and three of the guys help Remus down the stairs to the glass, the four of them supporting Remus’ weight and spotting him in case of a fall, Marlene follows close behind carrying the ventilator. The other four guys from the team carry Remus’ massive, heavy wheelchair down the stairs settling it at the bottom.
When they arrive at their seats, James, Lily, and Arthur help Remus settle back into his wheelchair, making sure his ventilator is firmly connected and that he is titled back at an angle that is comfortable for him.
James and his teammates leave quickly so as not to draw too much attention from nearby fans filing into the stadium as well as not to make Sirius too suspicious of their absence. The rest of the group fill in the seats around Remus and check and double check with him to make sure that he is comfortable and that he is breathing well.
The group kills time before puck drop by taking restroom breaks, Pandora takes Harry up to the concourse to buy him a hotdog and a soda, and Lily quickly feeds Emma who looks adorable with her tiny little noise canceling headphones.
When the players begin to file onto the ice for the warmup, Remus’ stomach twists in anticipation as he waits for the end of the line when Captain James Potter and Alternate Captain Sirius Black will take the ice after all of the others.
Remus gets a thrill out of knowing that Sirius has no idea that Remus would be here, decked out in his BLACK #72 home jersey, the one with the A on the left side directly over his heart.
James spares a quick glance toward the group as he takes the ice. Sirius is already out there warming up, getting a few quick laps in before he notices the group.
It takes Sirius a second to realize but when he catches sight of Remus he is skating over to the glass in front of their seats faster than he’s ever skated before, a joyous grin on his face.
Sirius knocks on the glass, placing his hand flat when he stops in front of Remus. Regulus pushes Remus closer to the glass at his request and Remus meets Sirius’ flat palm with his own.
“Hi baby,” Remus says with his hoarse, croaky voice. “Surprise!”
“I can’t believe you’re here,” Sirius says, his smile wider than ever. “I can’t believe it. My good luck charm, I love you so much!”
“I love you too baby,” Remus smiles and breathes a small laugh. “Good luck out there tonight Alternate Captain Black. You’re going to do great!”
Sirius blows Remus a kiss and Remus blows a kiss of his own in return when Sirius eventually has to leave the glass to finish his warmup.
The game is amazing. Remus does manage to somehow fall asleep a couple times despite the roar of the crowd (he may or may not have turned his hearing aids way down) but he’s awake for both Sirius’ and James’ goals and he cheers and claps with the rest of the AAC when the final horn of the game sounds making the boys’ first win of the season official.
Remus sleeps the entire way home and hardly wakes when Monty, Arthur, and Regulus change him, do trach cares, and get him into bed.
Sirius arrives a couple of hours later after the media circus and post-game team meetings have died down. He’s on a high that he couldn’t have imagined considering his headspace before the game began.
He wastes no time, stripping to his underwear and crawling under the covers with Remus. Snuggling up against his husband, forever grateful that he married somebody so thoughtful and grateful for his two brothers and amazing sister-in-law who managed to pull off just the surprise Sirius needed today.
Remus and Sirius sleep soundly through the night, never breaking from their cuddle.