torn
I felt like I was floating as I walked into the Great Hall for dinner following our day out by the lake. My hair was still wet, but I thankfully had time to change into dry clothes before going to dinner.
“Ah, she returns,” Sebastian said as I sat down across from him. Though my mind was unwilling, my heart fluttered as he smiled at me.
“How was your date?” Ominis asked.
“It was… good.” I tucked my hair behind my ear and took a bite from my roll.
“Oh, those pink cheeks. I know what that means. I have seen it before,” said Sebastian. Ominis kicked Sebastian under the table. “Ouch! I mean, I have. They totally snogged.”
“Please, Sebastian, I am sure if Willow wanted us to know, she would have told us.” I giggled at Ominis and how he could be so protective of me. I had always valued his loyalty and his willingness to protect the ones he loved.
“He is right. We did kiss.” I blushed harder as Sebastian shook his head knowingly.
“See, Ominis? I know the look.”
“What look exactly, Sebastian?” I answered back quickly.
“The harlequin romance look. Your eyes are practically telling your secrets as we speak.” There was no way he knew what I was feeling. At that very moment, I felt torn.
“I do NOT have a harlequin romance look!”
“Your eyes get all big and glossy and your cheeks get red. Your lips…don’t even get me started on those,” Sebastian said. A thud came from under the table. “DAMN IT, OMINIS.”
“Okay, I think I have heard enough now.” I continued to eat but couldn’t deny the butterflies in my stomach. I glanced up at Sebastian, who seemed to be hell-bent on making my feelings for him resurface over and over again. He held my gaze and his eyes softened as if he was begging me for something. As if he was begging for me.
“Tell me all about it!” Juniper said, suddenly sitting next to me.
“Geeze! When did you get here?” I said with my heart pounding.
“I literally said ‘hello’ before I even sat down,” Juniper said while looking at me. “Oh, I see. She has THAT face on. You are so in love.” Sebastian chuckled and Ominis let out a heavy sigh in response.
“I am not in love with him. We have gone out once,” I said while avoiding Sebastian’s gaze.
“You are so lucky. You have two boys who love you.” I snorted and almost spat out my water. Sebastian’s cheeks turned a bright shade of pink as the table chuckled around him.
“I think there are plenty of people who love you,” I said.
“You know what I mean. You have guys who are interested in you.”
“Who’s the second one?” asked Sebastian. Juniper stared at him in response and rolled her eyes in silence. Without thinking, I winked at Sebastian, and he responded by raising an eyebrow. Ooops. Juniper caught the entire thing and shot me a look.
“Why did it get quiet in here?” asked Ominis.
“Nothing, I was just- admiring you,” Juniper lied.
“Oh, please, I know I am beautiful, but you have known that for years,” he said, but he still blushed. It made me sad that she lied to him, so I shot a look back at Juniper.
“Actually, Sebastian and my sister were just making eyes at each other.”
“NO,” Ominis said and slapped the table. “Sebastian, you will not ruin Willow’s first good relationship with your wishy-washy bullshit.”
“She did it first,” Sebastian said.
“I did not! He’s been staring at me this whole time!”
“Children, I have heard enough,” Ominis commanded. “Now, how is everyone doing in school so far?” A collective sigh came from everyone at the table. Juniper excused herself and went to her own table as we finished dinner. As we were leaving the Great Hall, Sebastian grabbed my arm and pulled me aside.
“Listen, I don’t want to get in your way. I want you to be happy, but if he hurts you, I swear I will kill him.” Sebastian’s eyes went dark like he truly meant it.
“Okay, Sebastian. I don’t think that will be necessary. He seems harmless.”
“He might be, but I wanted you to know that I am here. That’s all.” Sebastian looked down at his feet.
“Trying to steal my girl already, Sallow?” Everett said from behind me.
“No, I was just telling her something you already know.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. You told me already this afternoon.” Everett looked at Sebastian like he was challenging him.
“Boys, there is no need for any of this. Plus, I could beat both of you without either of your help. Goodnight.” I turned on a heel and left them behind me to continue whatever fight they would have.
“Sometimes she scares me,” said Everett.
“No kidding,” Sebastian responded.
The night went by like every night had. I was thankful when the sun started to peak over the valley and into the window. I got my clothes on and left my room. In the common room sat Sebastian Sallow.
“Couldn’t sleep?” I asked from behind him.
“No, I couldn’t. I had a nightmare about Anne,” Sebastian said while rubbing his forearm. He let out a yawn.
“Will she still not allow you to come visit?” I sat down facing him on the opposite end of the couch with my legs to my chest.
“She hasn’t answered me in a while. I am starting to get worried.”
“Has Ominis heard from her? I always thought they had something.”
“No, he respected her wishes, the same way that you have,” Sebastian said with tears starting to form in his eyes.
“Maybe it has been long enough. I could try to write to her.” I looked him in the eyes and scooted closer to him on the couch to be closer to him. My hand ended up on his cheek. His tears were streaming down his face now, and I wanted to comfort him in any way I could.
“You,“ he choked. “You don’t need to do that. Not for me.”
“Okay, then I will do it for myself. I will ask her if I can visit,” I said as I leaned into him on the couch before I could think about what I was doing. My hand was on his chest, and I could feel it rising and falling with every breath. My head was on his shoulder.
“If you want to, you can,” he paused and took a deep breath. “You shouldn’t be doing this.”
“I don’t think Anne would mind if I wrote to her again.”
“Not that. This,” he said motioning to our position.
“Says who? We did this all summer and you never said that before.”
“That’s because you didn’t have a boyfriend before.”
“OH, so it WAS in a romantic way after all! Also, he isn’t my boyfriend, we have been on one date,” I said as I sat back up and looked at him with an accusatory look. His hand came up to his face and he pinched the bridge of his nose.
“No, that’s not – I just.”
“You just, what?” I asked.
“Listen, I have gotten very little sleep and have no resolve to stop myself right now. After hearing about your kiss with him, I can’t stop thinking about it. My determination to be good is waning.”
“You seem like you are doing pretty well,” I said. His hand immediately reached for my face and neck, and he pulled me in. He was less than an inch from kissing me.
“Tell me to stop,” he challenged me, but the words wouldn’t come out.
My breath was caught in my throat. The air passing between us caressed my lips as they hungered for his. His scent reached my nose. The combination of leather and a mixture of spices soaked into my senses. The spices reminded me of my favorite tea. Instead of him kissing me, I pulled him to me and kissed him passionately. Our lips moved together without holding back. He lowered me down to the couch and continued to kiss me. One hand was on my waist, the other was still holding onto my face. My hands wandered down to his shirt. My thoughts became mush. I couldn’t- th- I wanted him, but Everett.
“SHIT,” I said as I pushed him off of me. I sat up and held my lips like they had betrayed me. My eyes were wide as I stared into the fire smoldering in front of us. Sebastian shifted where he sat uncomfortably.
“Uh, well,” Sebastian said.
“Yup.” My face was resting on one of my hands, but I went limp in my seat and let my torso fall forward so I was facing the floor. I put both of my hands on the back of my head and let out a sigh. I felt Sebastian’s hand on my back as he patted it.
“Don’t be disappointed with yourself. I practically forced you to think about kissing me last night.” I immediately sat up.
“What was all of that about?”
“I don’t know. I just love it when you look the way you did after I kissed you. Maybe not today. You look like you are going to be sick.”
“I am. Did I just cheat on Everett one day after going out?” I asked. I felt so guilty.
“No, you two went on one date. You said it yourself.”
“But he called me his girl to you yesterday!” I exclaimed. “UGH!”
“We did nothing wrong. He hasn’t asked you to be his girlfriend, right?”
“No, but I feel like I did something wrong if I have to make all these excuses anyway!” My head dropped into my hands. I was quiet for a while with Sebastian sitting next to me with his hand moving back and forth on my back.
“Why can’t I just let go?” I whispered to myself. Sebastian’s hand left my back, and I immediately missed his touch. I felt movement as he got up.
“Here,” he said while handing me a cup of tea.
“Thanks,” I said as I cupped the mug with both hands and took a sip. I felt my muscles start to relax.
“That tea has always calmed me down. Things will work out for you and Everett. I won’t get in the way anymore.”
“I have heard that before,” I said while looking at him. “It isn’t your fault. I did this today. I didn’t need to egg you on.”
“We will both take the blame then,” he fell silent for a moment. “Willow?”
“Yes?” My heart picked up, hopeful he would tell me to stay with him. I hoped he would tell me to leave Everett and to be with him.
“Will you write Anne?” he asked.
“Anything for you,” I said sincerely as I took another warm sip of tea. My heart and my brain were at war. My heart was hurting to be with Sebastian, while my brain told me it was better to stay put with Everett because Sebastian would never be with me. Was that a good enough reason to be with Everett? My mind was clouded by a lack of sleep and the intoxicating scent of Sebastian. I stood up without saying anything and placed the tea down on the table.
“I should get going before the others wake up. I need to go to the Room of Requirement before breakfast,” I said.
“I wish you would show me. I am so jealous that it will show itself to you, but I have been looking for a cure for Anne for years and I never had access to the room.”
“Maybe one day when something like that didn’t just happen,” I said awkwardly.
“Right. See you at breakfast,” said Sebastian. He looked at me with sadness in his eyes. I turned away and left the common room.
I moved quickly toward the Room of Requirement and made my way inside after checking the hallway for others.
“Oh, hello, Miss,” Deek greeted me. “You are up early again today.”
“I know, Deek. I wish I could get more sleep at night, but I don’t feel as safe in the dormitory as I do here.” Deek poured me some tea.
“Miss always seems to enjoy tea while she reads,” Deek said while offering me the comforting cup.
“Thank you, Deek.” I sat down at my desk and took out a piece of parchment and quill.
My Dearest Anne,
I miss you. Things have been tough here at Hogwarts for the past couple of years. I hope it is okay that Sebastian gave me your contact information so I could write to you. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you how much I love you in person. I wish I could tell you about all of the boy drama going on this year, but I am afraid there will never be enough parchment. I know that if you were here, you would find a way to make me laugh about all of it. We would laugh at how dumb the boys are. I hope you are feeling okay. Have you made any improvements at all? I would love to hear all about it. By the way, Ominis misses you. Every time we talk about you, I can tell. He respects your wishes so he will not write, but I am more of a daredevil. We all miss you so much. Sebastian misses you so much. He told me what happened. I know it is hard. I could never know how to handle the situation, and I am not placing any judgment on you or on him. I just wanted to let you know that he loves you. Not a day goes by when he doesn’t talk about a memory we all share with you. I hope this letter comes as a good surprise to you and not as an upsetting one. I just truly miss you and would love to see you, if you are up for it.
With love,
Your Best Friend, Willow.