He coveted those who knew not the pain of loving someone you hate. Loving someone who caused you pain throughout your years. Loving someone who once made you laugh, and would hug you, and loved you.
He thinks he’s broken. He must be. What kind of son does a mother not love? She loved him, maybe still does, but they’re broken. They’ve always been broken; just blinded by the innocence of a child.
He remembers the first time his mum slipped. He was six years old, his mum had promised him that they would play in the park, just the two of them. Reg would be watched by Kreacher. But she wasn’t well. She started yelling and throwing things. That was the first time he ever felt fear.
It only got worse from there. Whispers came of “black madness” and how it would hit them all eventually. Soon he too would be as unrecognizable as his mother.
He missed her, even now. She was dead but not really gone, never truly. Not only was she in his head, but also in the entryway. He only wished it was the mother that he knew. The one who would sing to him, play with him, the one who loved him.
Instead he was stuck with the shell she became. Her hatred spewed over the whole house, she was never hateful. She was kind and beautiful.
The first time she cursed him he was eight. At that point he was used to her fits of madness and tried to stay away. He would look at the stars and beg them to take the madness back, give him back his mama. But the stars were only stars and the stains of the family wore too deep for the cosmos.
But even if he knew better, Reggie still held hope. He didn’t see the way her smile would be dark and her eyes deprived of soul, or maybe he didn’t remember what joy felt like. But Sirius knew. He knew how quickly she could turn. How her loving words would turn. So he mourned her long before she was dead.
At Hogwarts it was easy to forget about his sick mother and absent father. About his cousin cursed to the same fate as his mama. Instead he could spend time making friends and learning about the wonders of magic. And if his mother wrote to him it was only well wishes, on her good days at least. He would throw the other letters out.
By the time he was thirteen all that was left was madness. He never saw the kindness in her eyes, the joy in her voice, the worry in her face. So he mourned her again. He knew that he too would be like this, and his kids, and his kids kids. Forced to become the very thing you hate in the name of family.
He started going out of his way to make her mad. Hoping that somewhere she was still there underneath.
He was sixteen the next time he mourned her. She tried to kill him. She tried to force him to become a terrorist and when he refused, well she brought him into this world it was only fair she took him out.
He ran off to James after that. They called her evil and told him what happened was awful he would never have to see her again. He didn’t know how to tell them that all he wanted was to see her again. All he wanted was for her to hug him and tell him that she loved him. All he wanted was for his mama to be back.
He didn’t talk about the good times. About how she would tell the best stories and let him have extra cookies. Or how she tucked him in. Instead he told everyone she was a horrible mother. It was easier that way. To separate the woman he knew from the one who treated him like this.
When he started dating Remus it took him awhile but he opened up about his mama. He would tell him the stories from when he was young and free. Remus would just sit there and listen, and tell him he loved getting to know his mother-in-law. Remus made sure to never bad mouth her and he would change the subject when James would shit on her. Sirius was grateful.
When the war started he knew that eventually he would have to fight his family. No matter how much he hated them at times, underneath it all was love. All he would see were those he once loved and had to watch as they slowly lost their minds. Bellatrix who taught him how to survive, Narcissa who was always there to wipe his tears, his father who even though was absent for most of his childhood, Sirius had adored, his mother who made sure he was loved, and Reggie. Reggie who was once so kind and so sweet. Reggie who slowly started to fade.
When Reggie died he went to the funeral. Not a single member of his family came up to him, but for a single second he made eye contact with Walburga. For that single second, her eyes held clarity and it was like she was his mama again.
When he was put in Azkaban all he did was think. He thought of days long past. He thought of James and Remus and Peter and how they made him truly happy again. He thought of Harry and how he would never get to be there for him, praying that Remus and Mary would step up. He thought of Bellatrix and how he could hear her laugh. He thought of Andy and little Nymphadora, how they would always think he was guilty. He thought of Reggie and how he failed him.
Mostly he thought of his mama. He could feel himself being taken over with the curse. For he is no better than the blood of his veins. No matter how fast he ran, he was always a Black and a Black he shall always return.
The last time he mourned his mother he was 35. Grimmauld Place was the same as when he was a teenager. Except this time he had Remus. They weren’t the same as they were and probably never would be, but they cared for each other. His mother’s portrait was there. No matter how much the portrait screamed Remus would do his best to remain kind.
The portrait was a constant reminder of everything that went wrong in Sirius’ life and a look on what he has to look forward to. The portrait made sure to tell him how much of a disappointment he was, he couldn’t help but to agree.
When everyone else came to the house and he told them how awful she was, he believed it. They tried to take the portrait down, but it was to no avail. She would say disgusting things directed at anyone who passed and Sirius would hang his head in shame. How dare he love someone who hurts the people he loves.
When he went to save Harry at the ministry he knew it was the right decision. When he saw Bellatrix he doubted that decision. His beloved cousin; reduced to a mere puppet. And when she hit him with the curse that sent him through the veil, he forgave her.
As he died going through the veil only one thought was going through his mind. He was going to see his mama.