homesick

i got dreams, but i can’t

make myself believe them

spend the rest of my life with

what could’ve been

homesick - noah kahan

REGULUS

Regulus wakes up exhausted and aching. The full moon was as fine as any other but even after five years of transformations the process is still unforgiving to his body. Flashes of the previous night make him smile. The wolf ran around and played with his pack, a spotted hyena and a barn owl.

As Regulus tries to sit up straight the hyena turns into Barty to help him out. Evan, still in his animagus form, watches them carefully from a tree.

“How are you feeling? Anything broken?” Barty asks the same questions every morning after a full moon. Regulus has learned not to hate having his friend fuzzing over him.

“Everything hurts but I don’t think anything’s broken,” he says, voice hoarse.

Barty hums and with his wand he accios a cloak to cover Regulus up. Both Barty and Evan have grown used to their friend’s nudity and Regulus doesn’t really mind them seeing him like this anymore.

“Are you alright to apparate?” Evan asks, still at the top of a tree, sitting on a sturdy branch.

“I think so.”

Barty offers Regulus his arm and as soon as he takes it he is apparated into their home’s sitting room. Evan apparates next to them not long after. The three of them cohabit a lovely cottage in the middle of a magical forest in France. Their chimney is connected to Pandora’s through the floo network. She is the only one who ever visits them, being the only one who knows where they are.

“You should take a shower,” Barty says, scrunching his nose.

Regulus glares at him.

“Do you want me to wash your hair?” Evan asks.

He does.

After a fairly long shower Evan magically dries Regulus’ long curls and brushes his hair. Regulus asks him to braid it. He doesn’t wear his hair loose often, it makes him look too much like his brother.

The mere thought of Sirius makes his heart ache. A few days after Barty and Evan saved Regulus from Grimmauld Place, The Prophet released an article announcing his death. The article was undoubtedly Walburga and Orion’s doing, trying to prevent people from learning the truth. Regulus did nothing to correct the article. He let Regulus Arcturus Black, Heir of the Most Noble and Ancient House of Black, die.

Despite Pandora’s pleas he refused to let his brother know he was alive. He let Sirius’ mourn him. Keeping up with the lie put a strain in Pandora and Lily’s relationship. They ended up breaking up. That was the only time Regulus has ever doubted his decision but he’s never come as far as to regret it.

“Reg?” Evan’s voice saves him from spiralling further.

He looks at his friend through the mirror’s reflection. Evan offers him a soft smile.

“I’m done,” he says.

Regulus admires his friend’s work. His hair is tamed in a beautiful braid. A couple of curls are let loose on the front to frame his face. He purposely ignores the scars on his neck, left there by the same wolf that bit him. “It’s beautiful, thank you.”

Evan gently squeezes his arm. “Try to get some rest.”

-

The following day Regulus, Evan and Barty apparate into the nearest muggle town to do some shopping. Regulus is looking for a new book. Ever since he and his friends moved away from the wizarding world he started venturing into muggle literature. He is still amazed by their endless  imagination.

Beyond dragons and fairies, muggles write about life on other planets. A concept that was foreign to the young wizard. As soon as he first read about it he told his friends. Pandora found it fascinating and had Lily tell her more about it before they broke up. Barty still has nightmares about the possibility of aliens being real. 

Regulus walks into the bookstore looking for the third instalment in the Dune saga. He finished Messiah just a couple days ago. The shop clerk is a lovely old lady named Elena. She greets Regulus with a warm smile and tries to set him up with his grandson, like she does every time he comes. Regulus declines politely, as always, and looks for the book he needs.

Once he’s done he meets with Evan and Barty at their favourite pub to have lunch. A few people greet them, including the owner. They’ve become regulars at this place and Evan even got a job here, he has the night shift.

The three slytherins flew from the wizarding world with enough money to have a fresh new start, but it wasn’t nearly enough to live by for so long. Evan works at the pub and Regulus has a part time shift at the public library. His condition makes it hard to keep a full time job. Barty struggled the most to adapt to the muggle world and his attitude made it hard for him to keep a job, in the end they agreed he’d take care of the house chores. He likes to call himself a trophy husband.

Evan and Barty could find better jobs if they tried their luck in the wizarding world, even without their NEWTs, but they won’t risk people finding them and tracking Regulus through them. They might have saved him before Kravinoff came for him at Grimmauld Place but they have reason to believe the hunter knows he’s not really dead.

Besides, Kravinoff wouldn’t be the only one trying to get answers out of Evan and Barty. Regulus grimaces as he finds himself once again thinking about his brother.

-

“Are you sure you want to go alone?” Evan asks. “I have to go to work but Barty could go with you.”

“I haven’t seen a quidditch game in ages, it could be fun,” Barty suggests.

Regulus considers it. As much as he misses playing quidditch he doesn’t risk going to a game often, he only does so when the Chudley Cannons make it to the finals because he knows it’ll be crowded. It’s easier to hide himself in the crowd. Why does he risk it on the Chudley Cannons? Because he knows Sirius doesn’t miss any of James’ games.

Pandora would kill him if she knew how many times he’s done these. Especially after everything she lost for keeping his secret.

“You don’t even like quidditch,” Regulus tells Barty.

Barty grins. “But I like quidditch players.”

Evan slaps the back of his head.

He groans. “Don’t be like that, you know my heart belongs to you.”

Regulus rolls his eyes but he does so with fondness. He lives vicariously through Evan and Barty’s relationship.

In the end he agrees to let Barty accompany him since that will make it less lightly for him to do something reckless like coming too close to Sirius and his friends. His family, which no longer includes Regulus.

-

The place is swarming with people. Barty is sure he sees his father with other ministry’ officials and Regulus almost runs into a very pregnant Narcissa. Both of them are using glamour but they still need to be more careful.

They take their seats and shortly after the game begins.

Watching James Potter play is exhilarating. Maybe, just maybe, there’s another reason why Regulus chooses the Chudley Cannons' games.

He’ll never admit it but he misses playing quidditch against the gryffindor heartthrob. And if he enjoys watching him in his quidditch uniform that’s only for him to know.

The Chudley Cannons win the game and the stadium erupts in celebratory cheers. Regulus flinches with the sound of the fireworks, his ears are sensitive to sound. He catches sight of Lupin, grimacing as much as he is. Next to him is Sirius, jumping and screaming like crazy with Pettigrew.

Brother. Family. Pack. Home.

His wolf goes crazy every time he catches sight of Sirius.

Home. Home. Home.

It isn’t until James flies to them that Regulus catches sight of Lily Evans. He didn’t know she was pregnant. He hopes Pandora doesn’t know either. She throws herself at James and he catches her swiftly before leaning into a kiss. For some reason he can’t explain it hurts to watch.

They all look incredibly happy, even Sirius.

Regulus wonders how things would have been if he had gone to Sirius after being rescued from Grimmauld Place. He wonders if they could have salvaged their relationship and become brothers again or if it was already too late to go back to that. He wonders, and not for the first time, how Sirius would react if he were to come back into his life after being assumed dead.

But Regulus does nothing beyond wondering. He turns around with a nod on his throat and walks away from his brother and his brother’s friends before apparating back with Barty. Evan was waiting for them back at the house.

Neither Evan or Barty say anything when they see Regulus crying. He does so every time he goes to watch a Chudley Cannons’ game.

Their mere presence soothes Regulus’ aching soul.

Friends. Pack. Home.

He is at home but he still feels homesick.

REMUS

Some days are better than others and so are the moons.

He groans as he tries to sit up. Sirius is at his side within seconds. “Easy there, Moons.”

It’s only Sirius and Peter joining him this time. James has been busy looking after Lily now that her due date is getting closer. She insisted James didn’t have anything to worry about and could have gone with them but nobody can stop James Potter once he’s set his mind to something. Lily should know.

“Are you okay to apparate?” Peter asks.

Remus can’t help but grimace. “I might throw up.”

“Lets stay for a little bit, then,” Sirius suggests. “Are you hungry?”

Remus shakes his head carefully as he says “Thirsty.”

Peter produces a water bottle out of his bag and refills it with a quick aguamenti before handing it over to Remus.

“Cheers,” he says as he accepts the bottle.

“Drink slowly or you’ll get sick,” Sirius warns him.

Remus rolls his eyes. “Yes, mom.”

Sirius frowns but says nothing. He tends to be more lenient towards Remus this close after the full moon.

They eventually make it home to their lovely apartment in the middle of muggle London. Peter goes to his own place to rest after being up all night with his friends. Sirius pampers Remus against his best wishes until the werewolf falls asleep.

-

Remus doesn’t like crowded places and he definitely doesn’t care about quidditch but he lets Sirius drag him to this year’s finals. James’ team is playing, they’ve had a wonderful season according to Peter.

While they all wait for the game to begin Sirius fusses over Lily, who refused to miss the game despite her healer’s recommendation to stay at home and avoid stressful situations, like a quidditch final.

“Sirius, if you don’t stop that I swear to Merlin I’ll hex your dick off,” Lily warns him.

The man in question laughs, “You wouldn’t do that to Moony, would you? That’ll be cruel.”

Remus ignores their bickering, busy sniffing out the werewolves on the crowd. There’s many but not enough for it to be concerning. One particular scent catches his attention, it is one from a wolf like himself but for some reason it smells familiar.

Friend. Home.

He has to fight his wolf’s urge to look for the other werewolf in the crowd.

-

The Chudley Cannons win to absolutely no one’s surprise. The public erupts in cheerful celebration. The sound of the loud fireworks make Remus wince. Sirius notices it and casts a quick spell to deafen the sound for Remus.

“Thank you,” Remus smiles.

Sirius smiles back and leans in for a quick but sweet kiss. “Anything for you, Moony.”

James flies down to them to give Lily a celebratory kiss. Remus hopes Peter caught the moment with his new camera.

On their way down to the stadium they stumble upon Narcissa Malfoy, formerly known as Narcissa Black. She looks stunning as always, carrying herself with elegance even with the heavy burden of her belly.

“Sirius,” she acknowledges her cousin, as she only does when Lucius isn’t around.

“Looking good, Cissy,” Sirius’ smile is not fake but it hides something. Sorrow, most likely.

“Thanks,” she smiles back. She turns to Lily. “I see congratulations are in order.”

Lily smiles as James rubs her belly. “Congratulations to you too. Have you chosen a name yet?”

Narcissa hesitates before softly replying, “Draco Arcturus Malfoy. After the best of us.”

The air around them shifts. Remus turns to Sirius, who seems frozen at the mere mention of his late brother’s middle name. Narcissa opens her mouth to say something else but Lucius appears to whisk her away.

“Pads?” James asks Sirius gently.

Sirius blinks and shakes his head. He smiles and it’s all fake but nobody calls him out on it. “I’m fine. It’s fine.”

Remus doesn’t know if Sirius will ever be truly fine. Not with this. The loss of his brother took a toll on him even if he still refuses to admit it. Ever since Regulus' death was announced Sirius hasn’t been the same. Something in him died alongside his brother, something he will never get back.

In all honesty Remus barely remembers Regulus. When he thinks of him he sees nothing more than a lanky boy with sad haunted eyes wandering Hogwarts in the company of his three friends. Remus does wonder sometimes what has been of the boy’s friends. Nobody has seen Crouch or Rosier in years. They do see Pandora sometimes but that’s another story, one Lily prefers not to talk about.

Remus knows Sirius still carries the guilt of leaving Regulus alone in Grimmauld Place. He once confessed to Remus he often wonders what could have been if he had taken his little brother with him, if he had protected him like he had once promised to.

Sometimes even Remus wonders what could have been.