Sirius was having a good day. A great day, even. The winter had slowly faded away, without anyone truly realizing it until that very morning in which spring was undeniable for those who knew how to appreciate it. It had been the first morning of the year warm enough to go out and relax in the Howgart’s gardens without needing to wear a sweater.
Sirius, who always makes laziness an Olimpic sport, loves these type of days in which he can lay against a tree trunk and sunbathe. They were even better the days when Remus joined him in his plan, resting his head on his lap, because Sirius could see in real time the appearance of freckles on Remus’ face as the sun hours passed by.
In addition to this, he had eaten for breakfast five different flovours of pancakes, he had surpassed his own personal record in the number of times McGonagall had scolded him in class (James had also surpassed his own one, and Remus had surpassed the number of times he had told both of them to be quiet) and he had tried a new spell against Snivellus that had turned out great, sending him to the infirmary vomiting feathers.
For all of this, Sirius, definitely, was having a great day. But that was the key: he was having. In past tense.
Remus, that bastard, had ruined his day. And Lily too, but well, what can you expect from a girl who has been tormenting his best friend all these years. No. The blame was on Remus. And, generally, Remus always makes his days better. When his mom sends him a letter reprimanding him for two hundred different things and suggesting him four hundred candidates to marry him (he could swear he shared his last name with all of them) Remus always made his day better with nonsense like listening to the new vinyl he had bought. When Sirius ran into his brother on the stairs and saw him looking completely different, almost like he didn’t know him at all, as if they shared nothing more than a common origen, Remus always made his day better gently caressing his back and holding him tight while he cried in their bathroom. When Sirius had a terrible training session and he couldn’t have batted worse, Remus always made his day better smiling at him and telling him I think you did very well, Padfoot.
That’s why, because Remus always makes his days better, it specially pissed him off that it was precisely Remus who had ruined his day.
Sirius had just entered the bedroom when he saw how Remus had bretayed James, who would die for any of them if the situation required it. James, who that very morning had just given Remus an entire tablet of dark chocolate that his parents had sent him. How could the bastard of Remus have done such a thing?
Sirius felt his blood boil. He was so so angry that he could throw Remus to the ground, he would push him, he would make him stay still on the floor, unable to move under him.
–I just don’t get it Moony. How the hell could you do this to James?
Remus has spent the last ten minutes, since Lily walked out the door as soon as she saw Sirius, trying to read a Witman’s book and, at the same time, pretending that Sirius's furious pacing in circles wasn't bothering him. So he set aside the book because right now, and just like every single time Sirius was near someone trying to study or, God forbid them, reading for pleasure, he gave up. It is what it is. He would read later.
–Padfoot, I really do try to understand you sometimes but, what the fuck are you talking about?
–What the fuck am I talking about? Moony just today James was giving you his own chocolate. Chocolate, Remus.
And there it was: nothing. Sirius wasn’t Sirius if he didn’t doggedly pursue everything. He speaks without giving you any context and deep into the conversation you are supposed to realize what is the process his mind is making in order to arrive to his conclusions. However, he is usually understood among marauders, and even though Peter does never know where is his thought process ending, James perfectly understands him from minute one almost like they share the same brain. Remus also always understands him, but he usually also tries to stop his mad ideas because they drive them into very dark places with an alarming frequency.
In this case, truth be told, Remus was so lost that he was starting to understand Lily when she looked at Sirius eating like an animal and wondered if he belonged to a different species from theirs. Maybe a less developed species, it used to suggest Lily’s disaproving gaze. Remus, in fact, sensed the opposite: that Sirius was the epitome of someone who was both human and magic at the same time. But what does he know? He wasn’t exactly the most impartial one.
–And what does James’ chocolate have to do with…? –Remus asked him and the furious look of Sirius did start to worry him. Had he fallen out of bed that morning? Did he have a severe concussion?
–Remus I can’t believe you’re playing dumb! Either that or you have been fooling us all these years and you’re pretty stupid instead of being a genius –Remus didn’t know whether he should feel offended of flattered, so he opted for the most frequent option, which was to frown and let Sirius finish talking –I come into the bedroom and I see you lying on your bed with none other than Lily Evans, listening to some jazz music composed and intended to charm the girls. Fuck, Moony, how could you even think of that? It’s Evans. Just wait until James finds out. Poor James, Merlin, the disappointment you’re going to give him. You have already given it to me with just thinking about it.
It was then when Remus finally started to understand everything. But, come on, Lily? She was his best friend, but because of technical reasons, like the fact that she was a girl, she could never be something more to him. And because of many more reasons Remus started to feel a terrible urge to laugh. He just couln’t contain himself. The bastard of Sirius, the boy he had been and still was, very present, head over heels, thought he liked Lily. And what Remus was doing some minutes ago with the girl wasn’t exactly shoving his tongue down her throat. God no. He leaves those thoughts to good old Prongs. What Remus was doing was confesing to Lily that maybe he had spent the last couple of years thinking about hoving his tongue down Sirius’ throat.
–And to make matters worse he laughs. He brings a girl to the bedroom, something that not even me has done because it’s a sacred place for the Marauders, and I do respect my friends, and the dude goes and gets on bed with her and waits for me to walk in through the door to see them. There you were. It’s just not right, Rem. You souldn’t bring Lily here. You shouldn’t bring any girl here, either.
Sirius continued his rant, getting angrier by the minute. Remus managed to stop laughing, but the situation was still so amusing to him. Even more when he heard Sirius saying who knows in what other beds has she layed in, for Merlin’s sake Moony, if it has been in mine I swear I’ll tear the wolf’s tail off.
–Sirius.
–You couldn’t have just stayed still, could you… And besides…
–Sirius.
–And also, Remus, we have to make a lot of preparations for the big Christmas’ prank, you’re not really taking it seriously…
–Sirius.
–What's with bringing girls here, to our room? Merlin, it’s, at the very least, a violation of the Marauders’ privacy.
–SIRIUS! –Remus shouted, still amused at Sirius’ irrational anger– You know perfectly well that Lily and I weren’t doing anything. It’s Lily, you idiot. I’m not attracted to Lily.
–How can you not be attracted to her? Remus, you spend all your free hours with her, you two are always talking about the same books and the same music that you share with each other. You are both afraid of playing Quidditch and you spend the matches sitting together in the stands drinking tea. I’ve seen you cover her with a blanket and give her a kiss on the forehead when she falls asleep in the common room – Sirius couldn’t stop talking, everything that he had been thinking for the last months in which Remus and Lily had grown closer was just coming out of his mouth without any control at all.
–I’m not attracted to Lily, Padfoot. I don’t know how many more times I have to tell you and, honestly, I’m getting tired of this conversation– Remus was feeling more irritated with Sirius’ attitude as time passed and he could only hope that James didn’t come into the bedroom to hear his friend’s nonsense. He didn’t want him to think what, clearly, wasn’t true.
–Moony– Sirius approached him, threatening as only a Black could be. With his grandiosity and his anger he strongly grabbed him by the shoulders, sinking his thumbs into his skin– Stop it, seriously. You are messing everything up, Moony. You are fucking everything because you like Lily, and James is going to get furious at you and I can’t stand it. Enough, tell me. Just tell me, Moony, because you are driving me crazy.
–Sirius, and why the fuck do you care who I like or don’t like? –Remus also looked angry and Sirius could see in his eyes little spots that reminded him of wolf he turned into every month.
–So you admit that you like Lily Evans –Sirius says, sounding a little hurt. As if something inside him is breaking a bit and he doesn’t know well what or why yet.
–I didn’t say that. Leave me alone, Padfoot. –Remus tries to get rid of him. He moves away from Sirius and turns around, trying to get out of the bedroom that seems more suffocating now. They are more blushed than when they started the argument. Remus’ irritation is palpable in the air and Sirius’ rage tangible on his skin and out of himself, always exploding outwards so that the rest of the world can suffer just as much as he has to.
Sirius wouldn’t settle with this. That’s why he needs to go after Remus, block him from leaving the room and grab his arm to make him turn and look at him.
–Just fucking tell me Moony –He spits out the words. If Remus refuses to tell him that he is in love with Lily, then Sirius can’t trust him anymore. And he is the person he trusts most in the whole world. He trusts Moony more than he trusts himself. But Remus is tired of this. He is very tired.
Suddenly, all the anger that the wolf had shown disappears. Suddenly, his shoulders slump and he pulls his arm away from Sirius’ hands. Suddenly, he looks so small that the clothes that used to fit him before now seem to be big on him. Suddenly, Remus decides it is the moment and Sirius is the person. After all, Sirius has always been the person he confessed all his secrets to.
–I like boys –Remus blurts out. Quickly, with a thread of a voice. But he says it. And he looks anxiously at Sirius, waiting for his reaction.
What happens with the way Sirius reacts to something new is that it tends to be in a negative way. Remus knows this all too well. When Sirius found out that his mother had turned his old bedroom into a despatch for his father only two weeks after he got out of that house, the outburst of unexpected magic was so violent that the Gryffindor Tower was completely shaken by it.
What Remus doesn’t know, and this is something a few people know, but James and Peter keep it in their memories and knowledge, is that Sirius would never react that way with anything Remus has to share with him. He didn’t when he confessed them that Dumbledore had trusted him to be prefect, he didn’t the time he told them he was a warewolf. He would never.
The way he would react, however, was as if someone had thown him a ball to play with. And knowing at every moment where was that ball to pick it up when, suddenly, it wasn’t there no more and he had to sniff in every single place in order to find the fucking ball. Just like Padfoot does.
–Boys? You like boys? Damn, Moony – Sirius smiles and Remus can finally breathe and let out the air he didn’t know he was holding in his lungs –Why didn’t you tell me before?
–What do you mean why? Sirius I was terrified – When Remus looks at him like this, with the vulnerability of a kid and the wisdom of a man, Sirius feels kind of dizzy seeing the power Remus has over him. Sirius hugs him to feel a little bit more steady. He wraps Remus’ waist with his arms so that Remus can put his arms around his neck and he brings him close, closer, it is never close enough with Remus lately.
–I’m sorry for thinking you liked Lily –Remus hugs him a little tighter, and Sirius’ day gets exponentially better.
Sirius woke up the next morning quite content. The day was again promising. Yesterday ay dinner he heard the house-elves talking about a new breaksfast pancakes recipe. He has the chance of breaking his own record of the number of times McGonagall scolded him in class since today they would have two consecutive hours of Transfiguration. The sun light broke into the bedroom, illuminating Remus’ bed as it was closer to the window, and it looked as his skin was made of honey. Yes, promising.
Except that while he was having a shower he couldn’t help but notice that the day wouldn’t go so great. He couldn’t explain it, but he felt an old tickle of annoyance. While the anger and the inevitable frustration of the other day had hit him like a bomb, sudden and sharp upon seeing Lily in Remus’ bedroom, today the outrage hungs progressively over him.
It was as if a fly was buzzing behind his ear. Like an itch he could not scratch. Like ivy slowly growing.
Sirius could not explain it, but the anger grew a little more each time he saw the idiot of Williams talking to Remus at breakfast and laughing about something one of them had said. Does Remus like Williams?
He saw Remus in the library helping the stupid of Jones do his essay for Potions, and his fists automatically clenched, rage consumed him. Is Jones one of the boys that Remus might like?
To be honest, the day was going pretty bad. Sirius just wanted to hit someone, more specifically every single boy who had talked to Remus today, and he didn’t know why. Well, he was starting to imagine why, and it scared him and overwhelmed him in equal parts and that only made his anger increase, but mostly he was angry with himself.
With half of the day already passed by and without anything to do because he had just seen James stressing Lily with a hundred questions about animalogy (it was pretty depressing for Sirius to see his friend’s desperation to the point of talking about anything with the redhead), Sirius decided to head up to his bedroom to see if he could smoke a cigarette while listening to the new album Remus brought him last weekend.
–Oh hi, Sirius– A senior student stopped the young Black on the stairs, a boy from the last grade very tall that looked, without any doubt, older – Can you return this book to Remus? I’ve been looking for him all day and I can’t find him. Tell him I really liked his book recommedation and that I’m open to other suggestions, to read of course. –Merlin, Sirius had to focus on his breathing to not scream right then and there. If someone could have talked with more innuendo, they couldn’t have done it. Well, Sirius was never good at controlling his demons, so he run out of there with clenched fists, a red face and gritted teeth, and when he opened the bedroom door, his gaze was fixed on the central point of his infernal day.
–Hey Remus, are you fucking the whole Hogwarts student body?
–Sirius what?
–No, sorry, what I meant is if you are fucking the whole Hogwarts male student body? –In times like this Sirius behaves like he learnt to do as a child, like a Black. When he sees the surprise and then the pain in Remus’ eyes, he himself becomes the Black that he hates the most, however he remembers Wilson and his fucking book recommendations and anger blinds him.
–What the fuck are you talking about Padfoot? I didn’t tell you for you to use it against me –Remus is so angry that he resembles the wolf that comes out once a month and Sirius has a deja vu with yesterday. It seems that lately he and Remus only know how to fight. –Fuck you, Black.
–No, fuck you, Moony. –They are so close that Sirius can feel the heat comint from Remus’ body just by paying a little attention. When did he move forward and why were they so close?
–Do you have any problem with me liking boys, Sirius? Because if you do, tell me –Remus shouts at him.
–I don’t have any problem with that. It just pisses me off –Remus looks at him with disbelief until he has to move his eyes away from of him. He can’t even hold his gaze.
–Well. What will happen if someday I tell you I like Wilson, huh Sirius? –Remus gets closer and he pushes him. He just wants to hurt him as much as he’s been hurt. –What happens if someday you walk into the room and it’s not Lily the one who’s on my bed? Would you insult me? Would you hit me, Sirius? Me, because I like boys?
–You wouldn’t dare bring him here Remus…
–Why, uh? Why, Sirius? Because I swear if you say some homophobic shit…
–Because, Remus –Sirius gets so close that Remus has to move back, but he grabs him by his arms and pulls him towards him –Becasue I don’t want you to like any guy, but not because they are boys. I don’t want you to like any guy or any girl. Because I want you to like me! –And Sirius can’t take it anymore. After having him so close, of feeling his breath, his arms, he kisses him. He kisses him hard, like Sirius always does. Hard. Imposing himself, like when they go out on a full moon and the dog and the wolf end up fighting for the dominance.
Remus takes what feels like a lifetime and yet an instant to recover from his shock and return the kiss. And there, right there, when Remus makes that little noise and wraps his arms around his neck, is where Sirius wants to stay forever. They kiss as if that was their first and last kiss. Sirius gets his arms around Remus’ waist and he presses his fingers into his skin. Remus grabs his hair and tugs gently. They kiss like they fight and, slowly, they give way to a softer kiss, exploring and tasting each other.
When they have to pull away to breathe, Sirius doesn’t let go of Remus. It took him long enough to understand why he always wanted him so close, he’s not going to waste this moment now.
–You were so obsessed thinking who I might like, it never crossed your mind that it could be you, Padfoot. –Remus whispers him, almost leaving no space between their mouths, breathing the same air.
Sirius brings his hand to the back of his neck and touches his face. He sees Remus blush, and he has never seen him look so pretty. He was gorgeous, the bastard. And he liked Sirius. And Sirius also liked him. Remus blows his mind. Remus drives him completely crazy, more than any other person in the world does. He doen't know what he has done to deserve someone like him in his life.
–It’s because everything about you obsesses me, Moony.