As More

The sun is too bright, the trees are too green, the birds are chirping too loudly, and Remus Lupin can’t fucking breathe.

He claws desperately at the tight knot of his tie. It takes a few rough tugs, but the tie eventually loosens enough for him to be able to draw breath easily. Feeling considerably less trapped, he takes one, two, three deep lungfuls of fresh air before the dizziness dissipates and he can finally focus on what has just happened. 

And oh, fuck.

He does not want to focus on what has just happened – what is currently happening.

He takes a seat on the low stone wall of the Church and buries his face in his hands. It is humiliating, really. Honestly, who gets left at the altar nowadays? (Alright, so she hadn’t technically left him at the altar per se. She had technically bolted whilst he was in the back of the Church, sitting in a little waiting room before he was allowed to stand at the altar. But the point remains.)

His dad was right: he is a useless waste of space who no one will ever love. Emmeline deserves better; he had known it throughout their relationship, and she had apparently figured it out too. That is why she has left him, he is sure. But on their wedding day? She couldn’t have had the epiphany months ago – or even the day before the wedding? She couldn’t have saved him the trouble of dressing up in a stupid fucking suit and waiting in a tiny room?

A cloud of visceral emotions hovers over him: shame, embarrassment, resentment. Remus thinks he ought to feel more sad or heartbroken about the situation, and maybe he will tomorrow, but right now he just feels wronged. Humiliated is probably the right word – completely and utterly so.

“Fuck,” he mutters to himself. “It’s fine, it’s okay.”

It’s not fine, it’s not okay, but what else can he say? How else can he pick himself up? He has just been stood up at the altar without even making it to the altar!

At least she’d had the note delivered to him before he stood up there in front of all of their friends and family. At least she had given him that courtesy. All he has to do now is... fuck. All he has to do now is go in there and tell everyone that he is a failure, that the bride has done a runner and that the wedding is off. And then he can do a runner himself, avoid the looks of pity by going home, climbing into his bed, and never emerging from under his covers again.

“Moony?”

Remus freezes, face still buried in his hands. Maybe if he stays still long enough, his friend will go away. No such luck, though, as James heaves a sigh of relief and starts making his way over to where Remus is. Remus doesn’t want to talk; he just wants to wallow in his misery for a few more minutes before he goes and sorts everything out. James had been there, along with Peter and Sirius, when Emmeline (his now ex-fiancée) had sent her bridesmaid to deliver the note to Remus. James knows what happened – he read the note – and that’s just shit.

“Fucking hell, mate,” James says, taking his phone out of his pocket and typing away – probably sending word to their friends that he has found the groom. “We’ve been looking all over for you.”

Remus releases a breath and straightens up, dropping his hands to his knees. He offers a tight smile and says, “Yeah, I— Sorry. I just needed a second.”

James offers a sympathetic smile and sits next to him. “I know, mate. Listen, if you want to talk—”

“Nope,” he cuts in. “No, thank you. I don’t want to talk about it. I just need a second to clear my head – you know, get my thoughts together – and then I’ll... I’ll go in there, and I’ll... yeah. I’ll tell everyone to go home.”

James looks like he wants to argue – because James Potter is a big believer in talking about emotions and problems and all that – but he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he nods, and they sit in silence until the others round the side of the Church. Silently, they sit next to Remus and James: Sirius on the other side of Remus, Peter next to James. His friends at his side, Remus takes the next five or so minutes of silence to think about his next steps.

“Someone’s gonna come looking for us soon,” Peter mutters quietly after a while.

“I know,” Remus replies. “I just, um. I’m sorry. I’ll—”

“Oi! No apologies, do you hear me?” Sirius reprimands.

Remus bites his lip and nods. “Sure,” he replies, standing up and brushing himself off. “I guess I should go in there and tell everyone to—”

“No, you won’t,” Sirius cuts in, grabbing Remus’s sleeve and pulling the man back down. He turns to the others and says, “James, please go and inform everyone that the wedding is off.”

“Of course,” James replies, jumping to his feet readily. He hesitates for a second and then says, “Should I tell everyone to head to the after-do?”

Remus shrugs, “I mean, the food is already paid for. It shouldn’t go to waste.”

James nods and then says, “Pete, you go ahead and get the room ready. Sirius, you stay here and make sure no one bothers our lad, yeah?”

Sirius nods, “Of course.”

James plants a solid yet comforting kiss on Remus’s forehead before he makes his way down the path and around to the front of the Church so that he can tell everyone that the wedding has been cancelled, Peter hot on his trail so that he can direct the guests to the after-do in the venue over the road. Remus stays where he is, hidden around the side by tall gates and trees with Sirius next to him.

For all that Sirius is loud and boisterous, the man sure can read the proverbial room, and he doesn’t try to get Remus to talk. He lets the silence linger around them, broken by birds chirping and wind blowing through leaves. It takes a few moments but Remus eventually hears the guests pile out of the Church and make their way across the road, but he doesn’t look. Instead, he watches the gentle breeze blow through the churchyard, rustling trees and flowers and blades of grass.

“I know that you’re not okay,” Sirius says, his voice quiet and careful, “So I’m not going to ask you how you are, but if you need to talk, you know that you can talk to us, right?”

Remus hums.

“And you can stay with me. Tonight, and for however long.”

Remus doesn’t hum to that, nor does he speak. He hadn’t even thought about that – about where he might end up spending the night.

The original plan, before Emmeline left him, was to spend the night at a hotel before going to a cottage in the Lake District for their wedding weekend – but that’s obviously not going to happen now, is it? He had, for a moment, thought that he would go back to the flat... but what if she is there? He doesn’t really want to see her right now, and he imagines she is feeling much the same way. He wonders if Emmeline is at the flat or if she has packed her bags and left. He wonders if she has packed his bags and left them outside the door. He imagines not, but maybe she has.

“Thanks,” is all he can think to say.

Remus’s phone buzzes suddenly, and then it starts buzzing again and again, every two seconds, constant and irksome, like an irritating insect trapped in his pocket. Remus closes his eyes and hangs his head because he doesn’t need to look to know what that’ll be: text messages and missed phone calls from his nearest and dearest who are all probably wondering what has happened and where he is.

Sirius reaches into Remus’s suit jacket pocket and takes the phone out. He knows the passcode – all of the Marauders do – and Remus watches as his friend glances at the screen very briefly before logging in, but only to text Remus’s mam and tell her that Remus is okay and will call when he can. Sirius waits for a reply, ignores all of the other messages coming through. Once he gets a response from Remus’s mam, he holds the on/off button down and shuts the device off.

“Thanks,” Remus says again, taking the phone back and shoving it back in his inside pocket.

Sirius doesn’t reply with words, instead offering a soft smile and taking Remus's hand in his own. It is a solid, grounding gesture. It keeps him tethered to the moment. They are silent for another few minutes before James and Peter return and sit down on the wall with them again with an, “All done.”

Now that he has had some time to think, Remus finds that he doesn’t know how to feel.

He had been feeling humiliated – and he still does feel like that, a bit – but right now, he just kind of feels... relieved. He doesn’t know why.

Maybe it’s because he doesn’t have to go through with the wedding. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t have to deal with either of their families. Maybe it’s because he has finally seen a side of Emmeline that he had been fearing. Or maybe it is because he has his friends by his side: his loyal, non-judgemental, reliable friends. He doesn’t know what he feels, what he should be feeling, or why, but he’ll figure it out.

He always does, in the end.

After a few more minutes of contemplative silence, Peter releases a big breath and breaks the silence with the very clever suggestion of: “So, should we all go and get shit-faced at Sirius’s, then?”

James laughs and Sirius’s mouth quirks, looking at Remus in a way that says: Not the worst idea, eh?

Remus feels his own mouth lift into a reluctant smile, and he says aloud, “Aye, I could do with a drink.”

And that’s it. The four of them stand up and shuffle to the street where James’s car is parked. They all get in, James and Remus in the front, Sirius and Peter in the back, and they head for Sirius’s place to get wrecked.