'Sorry'
Let’s make this clear, Regulus did not actually want to talk to Sirius. He was doing this for James, and only for James.
It had made James happy, at least, leading to a lovely day of wandering through the city, just having fun together. Regulus supposed that it was a date. It was a good one, anyways. They were just a carefree young couple for a few hours, dancing around the city hand-in-hand. It was nice, gentle. Regulus felt so happy.
Unfortunately, his mood was soured by the looming threat of meeting with Sirius.
James walked him to the bar that he had suggested. Regulus could see Sirius sitting at the counter through the window. He turned to James, silently pleading for him to not send him in there. He didn’t want to see Sirius, didn’t want to talk to Sirius. But James didn’t know that. Regulus had promised that he would do it. He would have to stick to it.
“Have fun,” James said, kissing the top of Regulus’s head. “If you need me, text me. I’ll come get you. Okay, love?”
Regulus nodded, smiling a little nervously. “I will. I promise.”
James smiled and kissed his forehead once more. “Thank you. I love you.” Regulus wanted to tell him to stay, to grab his sleeve like a child holding onto their mother and beg James to take him away. He didn’t. He was a grown ass man, he could have a conversation with his brother. The desperate urge to walk away with James lingered on, even as Regulus took a deep breath and walked into the bar.
Sirius’s head shot up as Regulus walked in, the rubber soles of his combat boots squeaking against tiled floors. Sirius gave him a small smile. Perhaps it was meant to be hopeful. Regulus did not return it.
He took a seat next to Sirius, looking to the bartender. “An Old-Fashioned, please. On the rocks.” The bartender, a tall red-haired young man, nodded with a grin. Sirius looked at him.
“Old-Fashioned? Nice,” Sirius said approvingly. Regulus rolled his eyes. “Last time we were together, you wouldn’t even have a sip of Walburga’s wine.”
The bartender slid the drink across the counter to Regulus. “Thank you,” he mumbled, before taking a sip. He turned to Sirius. “That was when I was a child. I’m an adult now.” He took another sip, the alcohol burning as it rolled across his tongue.
“You’re always a child to me,” Sirius mumbled under his breath.
“That’s part of the problem,” Regulus said, just as quietly. They sat silently for a couple of minutes, Regulus going over possible ways the conversation could go in his mind. It could end in an argument, them getting kicked out of the bar, or maybe it could end in tears, Regulus calling James to come get him. Regulus sipped his drink as he thought anxiously, absent-mindedly rubbing his fingers together.
Regulus heard Sirius sigh. His drink was half-empty now, the amber liquid sloshing against the sides of the clear glass when he picked it up. He could see Sirius looking at him in his peripheral vision.
“Reg…” Sirius said. Regulus didn’t respond, feeling a little bit repulsed by the nickname. Sirius sighed again. “Look, Reg, I just want my brother back. I don’t know what you want from me.”
Regulus rolled his eyes. “Really? You don’t?” He took another sip of his Old-Fashioned. “Maybe I want an apology. You would think you’d know that.”
Sirius furrowed his brow. “An apology?”
Regulus scoffed. “You know. For abandoning me when I was fifteen.” He took another sip, the alcohol burning down his throat. It was good. He was clinging to it.
Sirius’s eyes softened, turning sad. “I didn’t… Reg, I can’t apologize for that, but-”
“It’s fine,” Regulus cut in coldly. “It’s fine. Forgive and forget, or whatever. Now we can be done and never speak again.”
“Regulus, that’s not- that can’t be it!” Sirius said, his brow furrowed. “You’re my little brother. I can’t just- just abandon that!”
“You already did, Sirius,” Regulus said bitterly. “When I was fifteen fucking years old, and you left without a goddamn trace. Not even a fucking goodbye for your baby fucking brother.” His hand clenched around the glass, shaking slightly.
“Regulus,” Sirius said, growing angry. Fucking good. Regulus couldn’t be the only one hurting. “What would you have wanted me to do? I was sixteen, and our parents were shit. I wanted to leave, so what-”
“I wanted you to stay!” Regulus shouted, slamming his fists on the counter. He heard murmurs from other people in the bar. He could feel their eyes on him. “I wanted you to stay,” he said, quieter now.
Sirius’s eyes softened sadly. He reached out a hand to Regulus, but he pulled it back. Regulus just glared down at the black counter.
“I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye,” Sirius said softly, almost a whisper. Regulus felt like a kid again, alone for the first time, his brother gone in the night, just like that. “I wanted to.”
“Then why didn’t you?” Regulus asked bitterly, tears filling his eyes. He felt full to the brim with emotion. He wasn’t sure if it was his brother by his side, murmuring softly, or the alcohol in his blood. Probably a mix of both. “If you wanted to, then why didn’t you?”
“Because I would’ve stayed,” Sirius whispered.
“You could’ve asked me to go with you.”
“Would you have?”
“No,” Regulus replied, smiling sadly. Sirius snorted with just as much melancholy.
“Yeah. Thought so,” Sirius said, smiling ever so sadly. “I was going to, you know. The night I left, I was going to ask you to go with me.”
“But why didn’t you?”
“I would’ve stayed for you, Regulus. And I couldn’t stay there,” Sirius said.
“Neither could I,” Regulus said, rolling his eyes. A tear dripped from his eyes and onto the counter.
“I know,” Sirius said. “That’s the only thing that ever made me even contemplate going back.”
Regulus turned his head to look at his brother, his eyes wide and sad. “You could’ve come back for me. Why didn’t you?”
Sirius looked at him a little pointedly. “I would’ve if I could. But what was I supposed to do? I was finally free. I had a life. And I was disowned. They didn’t want me anywhere near you.”
“And?” Regulus replied, snorting. “You never cared about what they wanted.”
“I didn’t want them to hurt you,” Sirius said quietly. Regulus felt angry again, rage bubbling up inside of him.
“They hurt me anyways, Sirius,” Regulus said a little angrily. “You of all people should know that.”
Sirius nodded. “I know. I know. But they would’ve killed you if they found out you were hanging around the homosexual embarrassment that they had finally gotten rid of.”
Oh. Regulus never really wondered what pushed Sirius over the edge, finally getting him to leave. He supposed it made sense that they found out about his crush on Remus. That wasn’t enough to make Regulus accept it, much less forgive it. “I would’ve taken it. I wanted to die at that point, anyway.”
Sirius’s eyes softened again. Regulus was getting tired of seeing Sirius’s eyes soften into sadness and pity. He didn’t want to be pitied. He didn’t want to be here in the first place.
“Reg… did you…?”
Regulus rolled his eyes. “I never attempted. I left before I reached that point.”
“You…” Sirius said, his eyes widening. “You left?”
Regulus rolled his eyes again. “Obviously. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. Mother would’ve murdered me. If I made it that long.”
“And you’re still giving me shit for leaving?” Sirius asked, a little pissed now. Regulus glared at him.
“The difference is that I didn’t have anyone there who needed me. You did, and you left anyways,” Regulus said angrily. “You couldn’t have been more fucking selfish. I just wanted my brother to be there for me, to stay, because everything would be okay, as long as you were there, and you left anyways. I left with nothing left there except for a noose hidden in my drawer and a half-written suicide note on my desk.”
Sirius sat, mouth agape, and his eyes wide. Regulus felt tears finally escape his eyes. He reached for his glass to take another sip, but it was empty now. He wasn’t sure when he finished it. He just wiped his eyes and glared down at the counter.
“So now you know,” Regulus said quietly, bitterness in his voice. “You left, and it almost killed me. So fuck you.” He probably sounded childish, but it hurt, aching deeply and harshly. It felt like a wound had been reopened, though Regulus wasn’t sure if it had ever closed. Maybe it never would.
Regulus thought Sirius would respond, perhaps with a chorus of apologies or well-meaning infantilization. Instead, he turned to the bartender. “Two Old-Fashioneds, please.”
“What?” Regulus asked, turning to him.
“I feel bad for leaving you, Reg, but I can’t apologize for getting out of that house. I’m just sorry I couldn’t save you,” Sirius said. “But I’m not leaving again. Ever. And you look like you need a drink.”
Regulus was silent for a moment, before he chuckled sadly. “Yeah, I do. Not nearly drunk enough.”
Sirius smiled at him for a moment, before it dropped off his face. “I really am sorry, Reg. I love you.”
“I know,” Regulus murmured in return. It wasn’t quite forgiveness. More acceptance than anything. It was… okay though. Not great, and they certainly weren’t okay again, but they were okay. They would be okay.
Regulus wasn’t sure if this was a good idea. He and Sirius sat in chairs, waiting for their tattoos. It was probably a little stupid, a little rushed, but there was enough alcohol in Regulus’s blood to make it seem warm and soft, and he had his brother again.
They agreed to pick each other's tattoo, something symbolic of each other. Regulus knew where he wanted it, directly under the previous tattoos he had gotten for Sirius, on his left shoulder. He waited quietly, thinking about what Sirius’s tattoo could be. Something nice.
“Hi,” said a tall person covered in tattoos and piercings. Half their hair was shaved, the unshaved side dyed blue. “I’m Kat. I’ll be helping you two tonight.” It was a little late, wasn’t it? The sky outside was dark. Regulus wasn’t sure how long he had been with Sirius. “You guys know what you want?”
Regulus looked at Sirius expectantly. Sirius smiled. “Just some simple line art of a dog for him.”
Kat nodded. “Any specific breed?”
Sirius shrugged. “Maybe a black lab? Just something kind of… big and fluffy?” Kat nodded, scribbling on a notepad. Regulus assumed they were sketching a design.
“And for you?” They asked, pointing to Sirius with the back of the pen. “Will you be getting anything?” Sirius turned to Regulus, who nodded.
“A small black cat,” Regulus said. “Maybe with a star somewhere on it?” Kat nodded, continuing to scribble. They scribbled and drew on the notepad for a few minutes before holding up a few sketches to show them.
There was a black silhouette of a sitting cat, looking upwards. Its eye was a small white star. Below it, there was an outline of a sitting dog. Regulus grinned.
“What do you think?” Kat asked, smiling. Regulus nodded.
“I like it. Sirius?”
Sirius nodded. “It’s perfect.”
After they got their tattoos, Sirius brought a tired and still slightly tipsy Regulus back to his room. Sirius kept smiling at him. Regulus wasn’t sure how long it had been since Sirius smiled at him like that, with so much warmth.
Sirius made sure Regulus brushed his teeth and tucked him into bed. It was quite a bit like how it was when they were kids, and Sirius was the closest thing he had to a real parent. His amazing big brother, the only person who ever cared about him.
Sirius had taken care of him as a child. Sirius was the only person Regulus had ever relied on, at least before Barty and Evan. Maybe that was why it ached so much, why Sirius lived in the crevices of his nightmares, hiding in corners of his mind. Those corners were the things that hurt him the most, keeping old wounds open, just bandaging and rebandaging as if covering it up and forgetting would fix it. Regulus knew that it wouldn’t, and it didn’t. He supposed he always knew that.
As Sirius started to leave the hotel room, Regulus realized how young he felt now, how small. He just wanted to be Sirius’s little brother again, a little kid who didn’t have to worry, because his brother was there.
“Siri,” Regulus said softly. Sirius turned back to him. “Stay?” Sirius hesitated, and Regulus spoke again. “I just- I have nightmares sometimes. Have since you left.” Sirius stood silently for a minute before nodding and walking over to the bed.
“Okay, Reggie,” Sirius said quietly. “Get some rest.”
“I love you, Siri.”
“I love you too, Reg.”
Regulus fell asleep with his brother holding his hand, for the first time in seven years.