Pity
“You fucked up,” said a girl with tawny skin and short waves of black hair, holding colorful notebooks. Still, she smiled humorously. “Like, really fucked up. Great job though. I respect it.”
Evan raised his hand from where he was sitting on the edge of the platform. When they walked into the studio for rehearsals, they didn’t expect to be reminded of how they acted. Regulus didn’t regret it. He knew Barty didn’t either.
“Um, I’m sorry,” Evan said, confused. “Who are you?”
The girl blinked. “I’m Cerci. I’m the PR for you guys while you’re on tour.”
Barty glared quietly at the floor. “I’m not going to apologize for the stuff I said,” Barty said softly. “I’m not apologizing for walking out either.” Regulus was surprised to see Cerci nod.
“Yeah, I get that,” Cerci said. “I’m ace, y’know. And pan. I’m happy for anyone sticking up for the community. The problem is that you yelled at a public figure, about another public figure, and stormed out of an important interview.”
Barty shook his head, still glaring at the floor. “I don’t care. I won’t apologize.”
Cerci huffed. “Frankly, it doesn’t matter. You have to say something. You don’t have to go back on the show, or say you didn’t mean what you said. You just have to say ‘I’m sorry I caused a mess and I never meant to offend’ and you’re good.”
“No!” Evan exclaimed. “That’s bullshit. Barty shouldn’t have to apologize for sticking up for himself. He’s not doing it. Right, B?”
Barty was quiet for a moment, before looking up from the floor. “...I’ll think about it.”
“What?” Evan asked, clearly pissed off. “B, you shouldn’t have to-”
“Evan,” Barty cut him off. “It’s fine. It’s not worth the publicity. Besides, it’s not all that unreasonable, is it?”
Evan looked like he was about to respond, angry, but Cerci cut in first. “I feel like I’m intruding on your discussion, so I’m gonna head out. You guys were sent my number, so when you make up your mind, text me. I’ll try to get the rest of the team to cut you some slack.”
Regulus muttered a small ‘thank you’ as she walked out. Evan and Barty were arguing, Evan apparently having walked closer to Barty. Regulus didn’t care anymore. He was just tired. So he left.
Regulus couldn’t sleep. He turned and turned, shut his eyes tight, tried every position imaginable, but he just couldn’t drift off. At a certain point, he was done trying to, grabbing his phone and checking the texts that had accumulated in his phone. One was from a number that he knew was Sirius’s. Regulus didn’t care what he had to say. A couple of group chat texts. Regulus didn’t want to talk to them right now. Then there were seven from an unknown number. James. It had to be. Regulus couldn’t help the smile that crept onto his face. He saved the contact and read through the texts.
8:15
Sunshine: Hey Reg
Sunshine: This is James
Sunshine: They sent us an email with your number I promise I didn’t go through your phone or smth
Sunshine: Pads told me that you guys talked at the buffet
Sunshine: *Sirius
Sunshine: Are u okay???
Sunshine: I’m sorry I’m going to your room to check on you rn
Well. At least he was up to date now. He was kind of sweet, honestly. Regulus missed his face a little bit.
11:34
Regulus: Hi
Regulus: Can you come over?
Sunshine: Are you okay??
Regulus: Long day
Regulus: Come over please?
Sunshine: On my way
After a few minutes, James showed up at his door, his hair a mess. His glasses were in his hand, and he was wearing a soft looking red t-shirt and sweatpants. He looked tired, messy, like he had just woken up. He was so pretty.
“Hi,” Regulus said, smiling exhaustedly. James wrapped his arms around him, pulling him in.
“Are you alright?” he asked softly, nosing at his hair. “Cerci stopped by. She told me about what happened. Are you okay? Is Barty okay?”
Regulus nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, we’re both fine. Just a bit… I don’t know. Shaken up, I guess? Barty, more than me.”
James kissed the top of Regulus’s head. “You want to talk about it?” Regulus opened his mouth to say something, but he wasn’t sure. He didn’t know what he wanted. “Do you want me to stay?” James rephrased. Regulus nodded vigorously. James smiled, shutting the door, before going and sitting down on the bed.
James patted the bed next to him. Regulus smiled tiredly, sitting down next to him. He leaned into James’s side.
“She asked about his dad,” Regulus mumbled.
“His dad?” James asked, stroking Regulus’s hair.
“Mhm,” Regulus nodded. “He’s an ass. Really awful. Barty used to walk over to my house, and climb to my bedroom window in the middle of winter, just to get out of his house. I always kept first-aid supplies under my bed, just in case he showed up.”
James nodded silently, listening intently. “He kicked Barty out when he was seventeen. He found out that Barty liked to kiss boys, and kicked him out. He went to my house first. My mother hit me when I begged her to let him stay. I had no choice but to leave him on the street.”
James opened his mouth, seeming disturbed, shocked. Regulus kept going. “Barty doesn’t like to talk about his father. He says that it makes him feel trapped, like he’s back with his dad, lashing out.”
James nodded. “Do you ever feel like that? Like you’re back with your parents?” Of course he would ask that. He knew the sort of shit that he grew up with. Regulus just nodded slowly.
“Yeah. It’s… It’s bad,” Regulus said mournfully. “It feels like being locked in a cage, almost. Like being an animal in a zoo cage, watched, and judged, and unable to escape.” James’s lips were parted when Regulus gazed up from the mattress.
Don’t look at me like that. Don’t look at me like you pity me. Please.
James pulled Regulus tightly into his chest. “I’m sorry, Regulus. I’m sorry you grew up like that. I’m sorry that I didn’t save you too.”
Stop. Don’t pity me. I wouldn’t have gone anyways. Why do you care anyways? You didn’t care then. You only cared about Sirius. He didn’t care about me either. You didn’t pity him. Why do you pity me? Why did he pity me? Why does everyone pity me? I don’t want to be pitied. Stop pitying me. Stop pitying me. STOP PITYING ME-
Regulus felt his hands on James’s chest, suddenly shoving him away. He felt tears streaming down his cheeks.
“Regulus, baby,” James said, reaching out to him, surprised. Regulus flinched away, covering his ears.
“Stop. Leave me alone,” Regulus sobbed. “Leave me alone. Leave me alone! LEAVE ME ALONE!”
“Reggie…” James said softly. He retracted his hand, sitting quietly on the opposite side of the bed. Regulus was huddled in a corner of the bed, his head in his knees and his hands on his ears as he sobbed quietly, his eyes tightly shut.
His breathing slowly settled. His tears dried, and he calmed. He eventually opened his eyes and uncovered his ears. James was sitting quietly across from him, staring at the floor. Regulus opened his mouth to speak, but what could he say? He had snapped, unprompted. James didn’t do anything. He was trying to help. Regulus didn’t know what to tell him, how to explain. It was easier to just speak and see where it goes.
“I’m sorry,” Regulus said quietly. James looked up, turned to him. “I-I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m sorry.”
James looked at him sadly. Not pity. Just sadness. “What happened? Please, just tell me, Reg. Talk to me. I want to be here for you.”
Regulus sighed. “Barty and I are kind of similar, y’know. We both snap when we try to… process our history. It’s easier to just pretend it never happened. Thinking about it just brings back all the hurt.”
James reached out a hand, but hesitated. “It’s fine, James,” Regulus said. James just put his hand on top of Regulus’s.
“I’m here for you, Regulus,” James said simply. “If you want to talk about it with me, you can. I’ll be here to listen. If you don’t want to talk to me about it, then that’s okay. I’ll still be here.” Regulus smiled sadly, before lunging forward, hugging James tightly.
“I know, James,” he mumbled into James’s chest. James didn’t hug him back. He let Regulus cling to him.
After a few minutes, James spoke again. “Do you feel any better?” Regulus nodded against James’s chest. James gently stroked his hair, his fingers ghosting against Regulus’s scalp. “That’s good. I’m glad you got a release.”
Regulus didn’t respond. He just nuzzled into James’s shirt. He smelled nice, citrusy and warm, like spiced oranges, cinnamon and fruit. He felt safe, warm, cozy. James’s hands were too cautious, barely touching him. Regulus didn’t want him to be cautious. Regulus pushed forward, knocking James on his back with a small grunt. Regulus layed on top of him, nuzzling into James’s neck. He loved him. It was strange, and it felt weird, but he was almost completely sure of it. He loved him, he loved him, he loved him.
James chuckled, gently wrapping his arms around Regulus’s waist as Regulus pressed a gentle kiss to James’s neck, nuzzling into it. “What are you doing, love?”
Regulus kissed his jaw. “Kissing you.” He went back to nuzzling into the crevice of his neck.
Regulus could feel James’s pulse under his lips, fluttering a little bit quicker. “Why?” James asked. Regulus pulled away, gazing softly at him.
“Is there a problem?” Regulus asked softly. James shook his head.
“Not necessarily,” James replied gently. “It’s just that you’re in a bit of a sensitive emotional state right now, and I don’t want you to do anything you might regret later.”
“Relax, James,” Regulus said, rolling his eyes. “I’m just kissing you. We’re not having sex.” He leaned against James’s shoulder. “If you want, I’ll get off. I don’t mind.”
James shook his head. “No. I want you to stay. I just want to make sure you’re in the right mindset for this right now.”
Regulus pressed a kiss to his shoulder. “I’m fine. Don’t worry. I want to be here.”
James smiled, wrapping his arms around Regulus. Regulus could hear his heartbeat. It was steady, comforting. And he loved him. He loved him, he loved him, he loved him. At least, he thought he did. He was about as sure as he could be, though. After all, James was warm, and he smiled so bright, like the sun, and he cared, and he was there to hold Regulus. He was respectful, and sweet. How could Regulus not love him?
When Regulus fell asleep, James was gently stroking his hair. James was warm, and he smelled sweet. His heartbeat was steady and gentle. It was the safest he had felt in a long time.
When Regulus woke up, one of James’s arms was draped over him, the other splayed across the bed. He was asleep, breathing deeply. Regulus gently pulled himself off of James, sure to not wake James up. He grabbed his phone from the nightstand. Sirius’s number had texted him. He sighed, opening up the texts.
Sirius: We need to talk
Sirius: Now.
Regulus: No, thank you.
Regulus: I’m busy.
Regulus: And uninterested.
It took a few minutes for Sirius to respond, Regulus’s phone pinging. Regulus glared at his phone, silencing his notifications so as to not wake up James.
Sirius: Too bad
Sirius: It’s 7 in the morning
Sirius: You never do anything before 9:45
Sirius: I can either come over
Sirius: Or you can get ready and come to my room so we can talk
Regulus looked over at James who was still snoring softly beside him. He was so cute, and soft looking. Regulus wasn’t ready to burst that bubble yet. Regulus sighed.
Regulus: Fine.
Regulus: I’ll be over in twenty minutes.
Sirius: Thank you
Regulus pulled himself out of bed, changing into an old t-shirt and leggings. He kissed James’s forehead before he left, sending a text to him to see later. As Regulus walked through the hallway, he realized, a little belatedly, that he was wearing similar clothes to the ones that Sirius used to wear. He almost turned around and went back to change. He didn’t though. He just kept walking to Sirius’s room.
Regulus knocked on Sirius’s door. He was surprised when Lupin came to the door instead of Sirius, rubbing his eyes as he yawned. He wore a black t-shirt and joggers, and his hair was a mess, like he had just woken up. Regulus could see thin, pale lines on his arms, and one on his face. Remus looked at him, running a hand through his hair.
“Oh,” Remus said groggily. “Regulus. Hi.”
“Lupin,” Regulus said politely. “Hello.”
Remus stood awkwardly. “So, um… Are you looking for Sirius?”
Regulus nodded. “Yes.” Remus was tall, and lanky. He towered over Regulus, leaning against the doorframe.
Remus hummed, rubbing at his eyes, before glancing back into the room. He looked back at Regulus. “Head on in, if you want. Sirius had been really fidgety about this all morning.” Remus stepped out of the doorway, allowing Regulus to walk in uncomfortably. “I still have to get ready, by the way. I’ll be out in about twenty minutes, though.”
Regulus nodded. Sirius was sitting on the bed, his legs criss-crossed. Remus walked over to him, placing a hand on Sirius’s shoulder.
“I’m gonna change, Pads,” Remus said, leaning down. “You two can talk. Don’t do anything stupid.”
Sirius placed a hand over Remus’s. “I won’t. Promise.” Remus smiled and walked off to the bathroom. Sirius turned to Regulus.
“Sirius,” Regulus said.
“Regulus,” Sirius responded. They were uncomfortably quiet for a minute, before Sirius spoke again. “Do you… want to sit down?” Regulus shook his head.
“I’ll stand,” Regulus said, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall. Sirius glanced down at the t-shirt Regulus was wearing.
“Is that my old shirt?”Sirius asked. Regulus shook his head.
“No,” Regulus said. “Mother got rid of all your stuff after you left. I took a couple things before she could get to them, but most of the clothes and decorations got thrown out.”
Sirius looked at him oddly. “You still call her ‘mother’?”
“Yeah. Don’t you?”
Sirius shook his head. “Haven’t for a long time.” Regulus just grunted quietly. And then there was the awkward silence, crushing, years of changing and passing time catching up to them and crushing Regulus’s lungs under the weight. He kept breathing, but no air got into his lungs, blocked by the weight of memories, both ones ignored, and ones they never got to make.
“What did you want to talk about?” Regulus asked coldly, staring at the floor. It felt choked. Sirius stared at him.
“The interview,” Sirius said. “Is… Is Crouch okay?” Regulus scoffed.
“Spare the bullshit,” Regulus said. “You don’t care about Barty’s wellbeing.”
“No,” Sirius said softly. “But you did.”
Regulus didn’t respond to that for a minute. “What did you actually want to talk about, Sirius?”
Sirius sighed. “No small talk. Of fucking course,” he mumbled. “Cerci gave me a copy of the interview questions you were going to be asked.”
“Okay?” Regulus said, sounding bored. Sirius glared at him.
“She knew, Regulus,” Sirius said. “She was going to ask you if we were brothers.”
Regulus rolled his eyes. “So? I would’ve just denied it.” Sirius ran a hand through his hair, taking a deep breath.
“Reg,” Sirius said. Regulus glared at the nickname. What gave him the right to call him anything less than his full name. “She was going to ask about our family. She was going to ask about why you left.”
Regulus felt pale, choked. “Oh. Shit.”
Sirius looked concerned, a little sad. “We won’t be able to keep our secrets hidden forever, Reg. Wouldn’t it be easier if we just made up, and publicly announced our relations?”
And that broke Regulus out of his choked, claustrophobic thoughts. “What?”
Sirius rolled his eyes, looking impatient. “I want to make up, Regulus. I want us to be brothers again. I want to know who you are.”
Regulus was shocked for a minute, before he just laughed coldly. “Really? Seven goddamn years, and now you want to be brothers? Now you care about being brothers?”
Sirius glared. “I thought you were still in that house. I wanted nothing to do with that house. But I do want to know you. Can we at least have a conversation?”
Regulus was still laughing bitterly, cold and furious. “You want to have a conversation. A fucking conversation!?” When Sirius didn’t respond for a moment, Regulus just glared, laughing bitterly, and stormed off. He could vaguely hear Remus asking about the yelling as he walked swiftly down the hall.
He didn’t want to be Sirius’s brother again. He didn’t want to go back to that. Never again.