Chapter 4
Remus was in no mood to party. He never liked them, and he wasn't going to start liking them now. He only went to every party because Sirius did, but now even if he was there, he would ignore Remus just like he had done for the past 2 months.
-Don't you understand? I'm not going to come to a party I don't want to be at, to see Sirius dancing and having fun with some bastards.- Remus says again, in an angrier tone, maybe finally his friends will give up on him.
-Remus, it's just a party and you need to relax a bit, please come with us.- James begs him in a sad voice. And Remus knows he's been too stressed and upset lately but he wouldn't be when your boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend, doesn't even know who you are and hates you with all his heart.
-I can not. I just can't stand there and watch that lustful man get his hands on him. I can't look at him or even recognize him, and I know that as long as he's there, I'll only look at him. It's been like this since I was 11 years old.- Remus tries to convince his friends again, looking at their worried faces.
-Come on James, I think Remus needs some time alone.-speaks Pete and James nods, continuing to walk out of the room, leaving Remus alone. Upset, angry, sad all the feelings one could feel, Remus was feeling at that moment. As he uncontrollably starts destroying everything around him, his magic is out of control, thus the whole room becomes a mess of cuddling things until Remus collapses in the middle of the room feeling his tears fall.
Remus doesn't cry, he doesn't think he's ever cried at night since he was 4, he didn't even cry the night Sirius betrayed him, but now he's crying. Not loud but quiet, soundless, the only thing that could set him off would be the tears that clouded his vision and wet his cheeks.
After a few minutes when the tears didn't block his vision, Remus' eyes had settled on something in front of him. It was a notebook or rather a diary. Remus had seen Sirius writing in it many times, but every time Remus got close Sirius hid it wherever he could. That's probably why the diary wasn't in Sirius's side of the room but it's in Remus's.
And maybe if Remus wasn't so desperate to understand Sirius' thoughts, he would realize that reading someone's diary is wrong. But that doesn't stop him now, so he takes the journal and opens it, and Remus realizes that the journal is enchanted, because on the first page are the names of all Sirius' acquaintances, and when he runs his finger over his name, Remus, the journal it leads to the first page that is written about him.
September 1, 1971
Dear Diary,
It's the first day without Reggie and I'm sad but I've met some nice boys, first I met James, he thinks like me but does a lot more things and isn't afraid of his parents hitting him, Then there's Pete is very quiet and doesn't talk much, but my favorite is Remus, he's nice and he said I'm pretty and I felt good. I think I'll stick with him from now on.
Before long, the page had turned, leaving Remus all too aware of what he had read. Sirius's thoughts were so pure and unmistakable. The next page is from year 3, Remus assumes that Sirius assigned each written page to them with meaning, because he always has a reason for doing what he does, and Remus had forgotten that.
December 12, 1973
Dear Diary,
It's been a few months since I found out Remus' secret, and it hasn't changed the way I see him or how I feel around him, even though my father taught me that I shouldn't talk to wizards like that. That's why it makes me think I'm a freak because my body reacts weird when he touches me or talks to me, especially since everyone says he's only nice to me. I also get a nice feeling when he gives me feminine adjectives and even when I dressed up as a girl for a prank, it must be a problem with me.
Remus is sad at what he had read, he didn't know that Sirius had thought such things back then and went through all that confusion alone, he hadn't even realized that Sirius had liked him since then. But the diary takes him to another page.
October 31, 1974
Dear Diary,
I think Remus likes me back, and I decided that today I'm going to confess all this, but I found out that I'm probably genderfluid and I'm afraid to tell someone, I don't want them to think differently about me, and I don't want ruining the only chance I have with Remus. So wish me luck!
Remus remembers that day, it was Halloween and Sirius had come up to him all nervous and simply told him he was in love and Remus was over the moon kissing him for the first time since they had been together but Sirius had never mentioned being genderfluid. Remus thought now of all the days Sirius wanted to be a girl and everyone treated him like a boy, he must have been through so much dysphoria. And he probably goes through such confusions even now even if he doesn't know what it means. The pages of the diary move again and Remus dreads reading that page. Because it's a week after what happened with Snape.
February 24, 1976
Dear Diary,
I'm left alone, my friends hate me, my boyfriend left me, and my brother doesn't even want me. James told me he didn't want me to come over to his house this summer, so I asked Reggie for help, and he said he'd try but it's clear he doesn't want me there, and I don't want me after how I behaved with him. I ruined Remus' life. Except that Snape cornered me one evening in the astronomy tower, I didn't have my wand, and he cursed me with imperio. He ordered me to undress then take his pants off and suck him then told me to get on all fours like a bitch his words as he raped me leaving disgusting marks all over my body my, he hit me throughout the process as he continued to drag me, then when he was done, removing the curse from me, leaving me naked and full of his experma lying on the dirty floor, he demanded information that would hurt my friends . When I refused he cast the Crucio curse on me, and I didn't realize I had said anything until he stopped thanking me and walked out, leaving me passed out. I stayed like that until late the next evening, being the weekend no one had been there, and when I had the strength to get dressed and go to my friends, I realized that I had missed the full moon and so had Remus.
Remus can't believe what he just read, he doesn't realize that Sirius went through this. How no one realized he was hurt, how we all turned our backs on him. Remus feels like the most horrible person in the world looking at Sirius's beautiful writing again, at the tear stains that must have fallen from Sirius's beautiful face as he acknowledged all of this in this journal.
He also doesn't realize when he puts down the diary and rushes out of the room too quickly reaching the Slytherin common room where it doesn't take long for him to spot Sirius dancing in all his wonderful grace but unfortunately right next to him was Snape and Remus was angrier than the day before when he had beaten Snape.
That's why he doesn't hear the cries of his friends when he grabs Snape and starts hitting him with a force he hadn't realized he had.
-Dirty bastrad.- shouted Remus hitting Snape harder with his fists.- How could you put your dirty paws on him.- Remus continued to hit him.- Do you like unforgivable curses too much?- continued Remus with more force looking at the blood that's on his hand and Snape's passed out body, and when he goes to get his wand someone takes it from his hand and pulls it out of the common room too fast for Remus to know.
Now he was in an empty classroom, his vision returning and he realized who the other person in the room was. Who took the wand and who got it out of there before you did anything too reckless.
-Sirius?- he asks confused, looking at the boy upset, angry or sad, he doesn't know to say, Sirius's white shirt is now stained with blood. Then Remus' eyes roamed the rest of Sirius's body realizing he was dressed as a pirate.
-What the hell is going on in your head? You can't just hit someone like that and then curse them. Good thing no one heard you.- Sirius rambled angrily at Remus, and Remus felt guilty now.
-I'm sorry.- Remus says in a small voice looking down like a child being scolded by his parents.
- You don't have to apologize to me.- Sirius explained, and Remus looked up at him, understanding what Sirius wanted to do.
-I'm not apologizing to that libidinous man even if it means I have to die.- says Remus defiantly.
- What did he even do to you to react like that?- asks Sirius looking carefully at Remus with his gray eyes.
-Not to me, but it did to you.- he admits, watching the confusion settle on Sirius's face.
-Me? What did he do to me….- Sirius stopped suddenly as if he caught something.- Did you say something to get your hands on me and unforgivable curses? "He…" Sirius stops again, but Remus knows he's figured out what this is all about.
-Yes. If you had your memories back, you would know who to trust and who not to trust.- Remus states, and he sees Sirius's face change and he starts to get too close to Remus.
-And who should I trust? In you?- asks Sirius seductively and at the same time mockingly, placing his hands on Remus' chest.
-Yes, I was your lover.- Remus admits, and Sirius stopped for a moment then continued.
-You were? "Why did we break up?" Sirius asked now kissing Remus' neck and Remus leaned against the desk behind him to keep from collapsing from the feel of Sirius' mouth on him.
-I can't tell you, you have to remember yourself.- says Remus hardly too dizzy from Sirius's mouth, which with his answer, disappeared from Remus's neck and looked into his eyes.
-Then if I ask you to fuck me here, will you do it? After all, I think you know more than I do about this.- Sirius says seductively, and Remus knows that Sirius isn't doing this because he has feelings about it, but he can't refuse when his lips are so close to his.
Remus didn't wait long, and began to kiss Sirius hungrily, feeling his hands run through his hair, down the back of his neck. And Remus' hands make their way under Sirius's shirt.
-Take off your clothes.- Remus says, but Sirius stops in shock.
* ∼ *
-Take off your clothes.- Sirius hears Remus' voice through his excitement and stops suddenly. His mind registers a voice with the same words.
-Imperio.- someone shouts and Sirius doesn't like it
- Take off your clothes, Gryffindor whore.
- What's going on?- asks Sirius confused, feeling tears on his cheeks, then someone's hands on his shoulders.
- It's okay, love. I won't do anything to you.- Remus' soothing voice is heard, but he doesn't see him anywhere, he only feels his hands. So Sirius moved closer and pressed his body against Remus's warm body, hugging and caressing Sirius.
-Moony!- Sirius heard himself whisper before everything disappeared, leaving only the warmth from the other body holding him.