Regulus Black was drowning. There really isn’t a more poetic way to put it. He was drowning, and that’s it. He remembers a conversation he had had with his brother (back when they were still brothers), they were discussing how death would feel like: Sirius thought it would hurt a lot, even more that the Cruciatus Curse; Regulus, however, believed it would be quicker and easier than falling asleep. He was now hoping to be proven right like he never had in his life.
+++
James Potter was having dinner with Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. The couple had recently gotten engaged, although not many knew — actually, only their closest inner circle did, because of the war around them.
+++
Regulus knew it was stupid, of course he knew, but he had remembered of someone — someone who had been very dear to him; someone, actually, whom he still loved with all of his heart — asking him to be brave. That’s how he found himself searching for the damn Horcrux and, as soon as he had found it, he had this idiotic idea of telling Dumbledore about it, who then sent him alone to destroy the damn thing. Merlin, how could he had been so stupid? Trusting the man was probably the worst idea Regulus ever had in his entire life.
“Kreacher, I’m so sorry. Please, forgive me” he found himself saying.
“Master, you have nothing to apologise for. Kreacher is sorry for seeing you hurt. Kreacher does’t know what to do” the elf answered, sounding terrified and on the verge of tears.
“Go, Kreacher. Get the locker and go. You must never, under any circumstances, tell anybody about this”
“Kreacher will not abandon his master!”
“Kreacher, please”
“No, no, no, no, Kreacher can’t”
“Kreacher. Go. It’s an order.”
The elf did. Regulus immediately felt guilt, he had never been so cruel and demanding with him. There he was, even in his last moments, ruining everyone he had around him.
His self-deprecating thoughts weren’t able to last very long. A hand was grabbing his ankle. Then another his thigh, another his knee, another his chest, another—
+++
“Oh, come on, Moony, I was not that bad!” James laughed swinging his glass of firewhiskey.
“Prongs, don’t you dare spill that drink on my carpet or I swear to Merlin I will kill you” threatened Sirius, although he was smiling form ear to ear.
+++
Regulus was dying. He was definitely sure, now. He felt a million hands dragging him down. He took a breath.
+++
James wasn’t all that happy that night, although he could not tell why. The constant feeling of missing something, that he had felt for what seemed all his life, was more clear and almost painful. He usually could just forget about it, store it somewhere in his heart and not be bothered by it, but this time… this time it was different.
Suddenly, a memory flashed through his mind; a memory he could not recall, but was at the same time so familiar to him.
He was in the astronomy tower. That’s where he found him, waiting for him — always waiting for him. He looked so beautiful, almost ethereal, with the moon behind him as only source of light. Merlin, he loved him. He felt his heart tugging in his direction, begging to be close to the other’s, the invisible string working like a magnet. And just like that, he was embracing the boy, taking in his scent, his body, his heart. Home. Yeah, he felt like home.
It disappeared as quickly as it came.
+++
Regulus regretted many things in his life. But the most hurtful was that he never truly apologised to Sirius, he hand’t even tried to mend what had been broken between them. Who knows what his brother will think of him in the years to come; Regulus hopes he will be mentioned, at times, and maybe remembered as his little sibling, rather than the man he had became. If there’s one thing he will always be certain of, is that Sirius will always be his big brother. Forever and always, his big brother.
He took a breath.
+++
James didn’t know what that was. He couldn’t even make out who the other person was.
But then…
“You’re ridiculous, James, just so you know” the person was smiling when they said it. Merlin, he had a beautiful smile. The only sight of it made James’ stomach turn and turn, just like on a rollercoaster.
“You love me” James was sure of it when he said it.
“Yeah. Yeah, I really do” he whispered, his eyes softening.
+++
At least Regulus got to fall in love. He experienced the greatest love story known to men, in fact. He was the only one to know about it, though.
He took a breath. He was aware he was making his death longer than it should be, but he couldn’t help it. He had to apologise to many people. And the tiniest part of him was desperately hoping someone would come and save him.
+++
“Prongs, mate, are you alright? You’ve been staring at the wall for quite some time” Remus asked him putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. The only thing James could to, however, was shake his head and think about how Remus’ hand didn’t hold the same warmth of the mysterious person’s.
He was about to speak, when it happened again.
“How did you know tulips are my favourite?” James asked, so surprised he felt his eyes watering. He couldn’t believe his star had just given him flowers.
“I have my ways” he responded. Then, more quietly, “do you like them?”
“If I like them? Reggie, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me.” He took him in is arms then, “I love you so much Regulus Black”
A kiss.
“I love you too, mon amour”
Reggie. Regulus. Regulus Black. That was the name. Strangely enough, it felt as if it had been on the tip of his tongue this whole life.
James was feeling sick.
+++
“I’m sorry Jamie. You didn’t deserve to hurt because of me. Please, remember me. I love you.” Regulus Black whispered in the silent cave. Oh, how he loved James Potter. He hoped he would be at least a little bit proud of him.
He was being dragged down again. He took another weak breath. He wasn’t going to last very long.
+++
James threw up on the beautiful new carpet in his best friend’s house. How could he forget? How could he forget Regulus? How could it happen? But, most importantly, why now?
“Oi, Prongs! What’s happening?” Sirius screamed, panicked.
“Sirius, I…” he tried to say, his voice coming out strained and rough. Once again, he was interrupted.
“Here, I brought you some apple pie” James murmured in the library. Regulus tended to choose the quietest spot in the room, so they were away from watchful eyes — still, they could never be too sure.
“Thank you” Regulus whispered back, not even acknowledging James’ presence.
“My star, the essay will still be there in 10 minutes. I probably will not, so…” James trailed off.
Regulus sighed. He put his quill and parchment aside and finally looked up to meet James’ eyes. Although it was clear he was trying to hide it, Regulus smiled.
James couldn’t take it anymore. He threw up again.
+++
“Sirius, please. Sirius, if you still love me, if you still care about me, please come and save me.” Regulus begged in the deserted cave, fully aware that he wouldn’t be heard. He really didn’t want to die. He still had so much to do. He hadn’t seen Dorcas in so long, he regretted not hugging her strong enough that June. And, oh, how he missed Pandora: she was his best friend in the whole world. Many called her weird, and maybe she was, but she was also the one who taught Regulus that you could love a friend like they were the very half of his soul. He knew, at least, Barty and Evan would be fine — they still had each other.
“Sirius!” he called one last time, before being pulled into the water. How ironic that his first and last words were exactly the same: his brother’s name. Only this time, his big brother wasn’t there to catch him fall.
+++
“Nice shirt, Potter. Mind taking that off?”
“You’re such an idiot, James. My idiot”
“Yes, of course I would still love you if you were a worm. Now sleep, or you’ll wake the entire castle”
“My beautiful Jamie”
Green eyes staring at him like they could reveal the universe’s secrets, if they wanted to.
“Merlin, James, this will be your shortest relationship, I swear” was said with a laugh when James started tickling his boyfriend.
“Mon amour, hey, what’s wrong?”
“You’re amazing.”
“You see that? That’s my star”
“I love you so fucking much”
“James, I have something to tell you…”
“It wasn’t my choice!”
“Obliviate.”
James felt like he was drowning. The memories were surmounting each other, taking his breath away. Yes, James was definitely drowning.
He screamed. And cried. And threw up some more. He had found what had been missing all that time, only for it to be taken away again. Why did Regulus have to be so damn stupid? They could have worked things out, they could’ve found a way to make it work.
In an instant James Potter had both got back and lost his greatest love, and he knew was going to miss him for the rest of his days. Maybe that’s why, on October 31st 1981, when he opened the door to find Voldemort in front of him, he smiled, dying happily with the knowledge that he could finally reunite with his Regulus.