Chokehold
January 16th 2001
Tick-tock Tick-tock
That familiar feeling of breathtaking grief is beginning to seep its way back into my soul.
It's been hidden and stuffed down behind years of Occlumency walls and that static- numbness that I've grown so accustomed to.
But now it's rearing its disgusting head again and making its presence known in a way that has me unable to move.
Tick-tock Tick-tock
Ember's dead. She's dead. I know she is because I carried her body back from the castle. I held her ice cold hand while she lay motionless under a stasis charm on the dining room table. I personally dug her fucking grave without magic, dressed her in her favorite dress, put her in the casket, and watched as her brother lowered it into the ground.
Tick-tock Tick-tock
Can I go back? I need to go back... I... I...
Tick-tock Tick-tock
🔵
"There you are, darling." I laughed lightly when I finally found her in Nova's room; wrapped in a blanket and leaning up against the window.
She didn't move or even acknowledge that I was there. She sat silently and stared blankly at the rain falling softly against the glass. My smile dropped when I realized she's been crying.
"Em?" I whispered as I approached. Still nothing.
I sat on the opposite side of the window ledge and watched the rain begin to come down harder and small bits of sleet pelted the glass. She still didn't stir- locked away someplace in her head far beyond what I could reach.
She's been doing this a lot lately- retreating to some dark room alone in the manor and getting so lost in thought it's almost impossible to pull her out of it.
A flash of lightning spread across the sky, illuminating the room around us and finally she blinked. Life returning to her features.
"I'm never going to see her again..." she sighed and curled into herself a little tighter.
"Darling that is not true. We will get her back once this is all over. You will see her again I swear it."
Her gaze flicked toward me; shocks of pure emerald peeking out through a mess of curls and illuminated by the lightning strikes from the storm raging on beyond the glass. Almost mimicking the storm raging on inside of her head.
She's retreated so far inside of herself over the last few months, that I have no idea how to help her anymore. I have no idea where to even begin...
"You don't understand. I wish... I wish you would understand." She whispered, her voice cracking and hoarse from crying.
She stood quickly and ran out of the room and out of sight before I could catch up to her.
🔵
I wish I would've known then what she meant when she said she would never see Nova again. I wish I would've know she had been seeing her death for months before that so I could've had more time to help her. More time to figure out a way to save her.
Instead I wasted most of that time being a selfish prick and wallowing in my own self pity because of the things I had to do and because of the things I had to watch her do.
"Malfoy!"
Tick-tock Tick-tock
🔵
"Have you been up here all night?"
The sun was just beginning to break over the horizon when I reached the top of the stairs. She was leaned up against our bench; several spent cigarettes littered the area around her.
It was freezing up here. Her lips were a sickly shade of blue which led me to believe she hadn't bothered to even cast a warming charm on herself.
I lifted my wand to cast one and she quickly deflected it. Letting out a long sigh and tilting her head back.
"The cold helps me focus." She replied with no hint of emotion in her voice.
"Darling you're going to freeze to death up here. At least warm yourself enough so you don't look like a corpse." I chuckled nervously. Trying to bring even the faintest hint of a smile to her face or a flicker of emotion from her... but I got none. She was as ice cold as the weather was.
"Draco please go. I have to focus. I have to see it and I can't see it with you in the way."
I stepped forward and knelt beside her, "See what Ember? I don't understand..."
"The big picture. The end result. Everything!" She stood quickly and threw herself toward the railing of the tower. Her hands shook from how hard she was gripping the wood- digging her fingernails into the grains.
"You will never understand because you are always in the way. I can never see the bigger picture. I can never focus on what needs to be done because I am constantly focusing on you. All I see is you Draco. You invade every thought, every action, every move I make I do it with you in mind. Because I cannot live without you and I am terrified I won't be able to save you because I know... I know you won't be able to do it." Her voice broke. She turned and faced me and I could see the cracks in her composure as she continued, "I know you won't be able to kill him Draco. And my task is to kill you if you fail. So please- I am begging you to please go. Leave me alone so at least when I make the hardest decision of my life and I come up with a plan that might very well be the end of us both; that I am not staring in the face of my undoing."
🔵
"Malfoy! Talk to me!"
Tick-tock Tick-tock
🔵
The tunnels beneath the ministry smell damp like the air right before a rainstorm. We can't use any light to guide our way to the lift that will take us up to the main floor; for fear that we will trigger alarms and unwanted attention from ministry officials that still have pledged their allegiance to The Order and Potter.
Ember is up ahead with the rest of us following behind as we make our way through the darkness and dampness until we see a shred of light break through from the crack in the lift door.
Ember fits her mask down in place and the rest of us follow suite. As we pile into the lift and make our ascent I feel her hand brush up against my own and it knocks the air from my lungs. Her finger wraps around mine for a split second before the lift comes to a stop and we all prepare for the worst.
There are six of us in this group and there are 40 more spread among the various access points along the ministry floors. Our group is designated specifically to take down Scrimgeour and a few other high ranking officials while the rest of them rally the lower level officials and either turn them or kill them.
I glance up just in time for the doors to pop open while Ember and Theo run forward, wands raised and killing curses poised at the tips.
Screams of terror echo out from all around us as we charge ahead towards the ministers office, taking down any and everyone that stands in our way.
Once there, Ember sent a bombarda towards the door and it exploded into a million shards of wood that rained down on us as we burst into the office.
Scrimgeour was sitting patiently at his desk. His hands folded in front of him and his glassy eyes staring forward. We stood around in the eerie silence. After a few moments I grabbed the minister by his collar and Ember's hand with the other and apparated us out to the main floor where a podium was still set up from the night before when Scrimgeour held a press conference stating that the "ministry was at its strongest".
Just more lies to get people to follow the light instead of succumbing to the darkness. The darkness that has befallen the entire wizarding world as of late and the darkness that will swallow it whole if the people keep resisting.
The other death eaters had gathered up everyone they could and herded them like cattle into the main wing. The terrified crowd was on their knees with their heads tilted up to the podium where Ember, and I stood with Scrimgeour bound in front of us. Scared whimpers and the smell of fear carried out across the space and to my left I could see that Ember had begun to tremble as she stared out across the sea of people.
I took that as my opportunity and charmed my voice before speaking.
"I'm sure all of you are well aware of why we are here today. It seems you have all fallen under the ideologies of this administration that all wizards are created equal no matter what their blood status." I huffed a laugh.
Did I believe these words? No. Did I repeat them anyways because if I didn't I would be labeled a traitor and killed? Yes. Did I believe that the dark lord is a hypocrite because he and his two prized heirs are half-bloods and not pure bloods? Also yes.
I looked over at Ember as she regained her composure and gripped the back of the ministers hair tightly in her first, wrenching his head up toward the crowd. The energy around us electrified and not just in the metaphorical sense but in the literal sense. Tiny sparks of light and magic crackled through the air and I could feel her magic take hold of myself and everyone around us.
She was projecting. She was casting an illusion on this massive crowd of people and death eaters and it's something I have only witnessed with her on a smaller scale. The eyes of the crowd glassed over and an echo of my voice rang out, finishing the speech I was instructed to give before she brutally murdered Scrimgeour.
Instead she silently cast the killing curse and the ministers body went limp. Once he was dead, she cast the sectumsempra and left his body on the podium to bleed out.
She released her magic, took off her mask, bowed before the crowd in a very theatrical way and then disappeared.
🔵
"Malfoy I swear to fucking Merlin! Breathe!"
🔵
"Draco?" Her broken whisper swept through the deathly silence in the darkness.
I can't even look at her right now. Not after what she did.
"Love, please talk to me..."
I heard her shuffle slowly into the room and shut the door behind her. I took another sip from the bottle of gin and didn't bother to look in her direction.
If I ignored her maybe she would just go away. It was easier when she was away. Out of sight out of mind...
Ha... lies... she was always on my mind.
She was getting closer. The scent of roses was growing stronger. So strong I could taste her. I want so badly to taste her again...
No no no. She has to learn. She will never learn if I give in.
"Draco please, please talk to me. I can't do this anymore." She begged as she knelt in front of me on her knees. Her hands folded neatly in her lap and her head bowed before me as if she was offering herself up.
I've never seen her so vulnerable before; so submissive and pathetic.
Maybe I could...
No- stop it Draco. You can't give in. She has to learn.
I stayed still as stone. No movement or acknowledgment that she was there. But I could feel her sadness and utter desperation and it burned. It felt like fire that burned so deep and so hot, I felt like I was melting from the inside out.
I need her away from me. It's better when she's away. It's easier.
I ran my finger under her chin, bringing her gaze up to mine. Her eyes glistened with fresh tears and remnants of makeup streaked down her cheeks.
I used to hate seeing her like this. The thought of her hurt or in pain was the worst thing I could ever imagine. I would do anything to make it go away and to see her happy again. But right now? No. Right now seeing her aching for me to simply speak to her or touch her- knowing that she is finally feeling the way I felt for so many months- stirs something inside of me that I've never felt before. And I like it.
I'm enjoying watching her unravel and drive herself completely mad because I won't even give her the time of day.
All because of her selfishness. All because she never gave a fuck about me or what I wanted or what I needed. No... all she thought about was playing the hero and saving the world.
Now I'm making her pay for her mistake.
I gently caressed her face with my hand and she leaned into me; her eyes filled with hope that I had finally given in and finally forgiven her.
"Get out."
Hope shattered- gone- destroyed. Oh well.
She sat up straighter and tried to reach for me, "Draco please..."
I stood abruptly, "GET OUT!"
She flinched and returned to begging and pleading at my feet. I could feel the fire burning under my skin the more she cried and the worse she felt. I needed her away from me right fucking now.
I grabbed her by the hair and yanked her behind me, tossing her out of the bedroom and slamming the door shut behind me. I quickly spelled the room shut and silenced it.
As soon as I could no longer hear her cries or see her face; an icy numbness began to replace the burning pain that her emotions caused.
I sat back in my chair again and picked up the bottle of gin.
🔵
"Malfoy! Wake the fuck up!" Mattheo's panicked voice broke through the fog that filled my mind.
I sat up, gasping for air and spitting out remnants of what I assume is vomit in my throat.
My head was spinning so violently I felt like I needed to hold onto the ground so I wouldn't fall off the face of the earth.
"What happened?" I rasped.
"You're a fucking idiot is what happened. Why the fuck did you think it was okay to mix draught of peace, pain relieving potion and an entire bottle of gin? What the fuck were you thinking Malfoy? You studied potions for fucks sake! You know how dangerous those potions are when you mix them with alcohol!" Mattheo raged on and on. His face getting redder as his anger rose.
"It hurts. I wanted it to stop hurting... even just for a moment." It came out as more of a broken whisper.
His face fell. He knew exactly what I was talking about and the type of pain that surrounded her death.
"Well now is not the time to go killing yourself. Get cleaned up. Theo got the information we needed on Daisy." He stood and threw a towel down at me.
"And you're never going to believe what it is."