faith forgotten land

"I sit and watch you reading with your head low

I wake and watch you breathing with your eyes closed

I sit and watch you

I notice everything you do or don't do

[...]

But you tolerate it"

“Sirius.” he finally began after a minute of starring. He was seated on the floor, his back leaned against the edge of the armchair reading his book.

Well, not really reading since he’d been staring at the same line for the past twenty minutes, his mind not registering a thing because it was too busy running miles a minute. He was just pretending to read, like he did with most things these days whenever Sirius was around. He decided he had waited long enough though and closed the book, clutching it to his chest as if to keep his heart from jumping out. Rip-off the band aid and all that.

“Mmm?” Sirius murmured distractedly, her eyes fixed on the laptop screen sitting on her lap. They were curled on one side of the couch, watching the sit-com they had watched a million times before, a tiny smile playing on their lips, both of them busy on their tasks, keeping each other company. Remus couldn’t help but look at their silly yellow socks, each one adorned with one of the mousses from ‘Brother Bear’. She had found them in a small local shop a few months ago and got so excited she even bought an identical pair for Regulus. 

Remus’ thoughts still linger on the way her whole face lit up at the silly piece of clothing. They were so bright.

God, I’m going to miss this . But domestic bliss has to come to an end when bliss turns to anxiety, doesn’t it?

He took a deep breath before speaking. “I need to talk to you.” He said quietly and watched as Sirius’ eyes met his .They smiled softly, making Remus even more nervous now that he paused the episode and placed the laptop on the other side of the couch, giving him his full undivided attention.

“What’s up, Moons?” She asked while crossing her legs under her, back resting on the sofa cushions. They looked so domestic, Remus could start crying.

He had this earnest look in his eyes too, silence draped around them save from the traffic noises coming from the open kitchen window on the other side of the long room.

He loved this place so much. He was pretty sure it had more to do with Sirius rather than the place itself, but the flat was beautiful as well. Sirius insisted they go a big higher on rent just to have a nice place they can turn into home. A nice balcony where they can people-watch in the morning and stargaze at nights, a vast kitchen and living room with windows and pools of light spilling on the hardwood floors during the day. A bathroom with a bathtub where Remus could have long baths whenever the ache on his hip got worse. And two bedrooms, filled to the brim with pictures, clothes, records, books, trinkets, bits and pieces of their mingled lives.

 Say it , say it, say it. You coward, she deserves to know.

“Remus-”

“Sirius, I'm moving out.” Remus said quietly. Don’t panic, don’t panic, stay calm.
Were his palms sweating?

“What?” Sirius snorted, a frown playing across his face while a teasing smile stretched across his lips. Sirius’ first instinct was that Remus was joking, of course. They always saw the good in him even if it wasn’t there. 

He swallowed, trying to tame his heart’s erratic protests. "I will move out.” he tried again, softly, carefully, as if trying not to aggravate a wild animal.

Sirius was worried now, his eyes examining Remus’ face frantically, as if desperate to trace the humour or the joke in his words. It never came.

“Why?” He finally asked and Remus dropped his head, his hands moving to his hair, tugging at it.

 “Because.. I-”

Because I’m in love with you. Because I thought I could do this when we decided to move in together. Because what I thought to be a tiny crush on my best friend turned out to be an all-consuming love which now feels like fucking torture. Because I can’t keep touching you, sitting with you, laughing with you, sharing a home with you and being with you without actually being with you. Because I can’t keep struggling and driving my fucking mind crazy over you and the constant desire to kiss you. The unrelenting need to lay everything out for you, all my feelings, all my love, just to feel emptier after. Because you're always there, being you, beautiful, sweet you. God, do I wantyou. I need you, it consumes me to the point where I can’t know me if I don’t know you. Because it’s unfair to you, because-

“What is it?” Sirius interrupted his thoughts. Remus lifted his gaze, sighing at the sight of her worried expression. "Is it about rent?”

“No, Sirius, I-”

“You know I have no problem with that! I’ll start paying a bigger amount of it. I can pay all of-”

“No. It’s not about rent, really.” He interrupted. Remus knew that Sirius was already paying the better half of rent, even though they tried to play it off. Generous, selfless as always. Remus’ guardian angel. He couldn’t help but smile a bit, out of fondness. “I just think it’s a better idea for us to not be together anymore.” He offered. "Live together, I mean.” he corrected quickly and mentally slapped himself.

“But why ?” She frowned again. Remus felt like he was snatching Christmas from a toddler. "Is it something I did?”

“No!” How could it, you’re perfect . You’re lovely, you’re so- "No you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I know I can be too much sometimes, Remus…. but if I did something, or a habit of mine,  then-”

“ No, Sirius.” Remus said sternly. He wanted to get up, lift his hands and hold her sad face in the palm of his hands and tell her, again and again, reassure her of how wonderful she’s always been for him. His favourite person in the entire world.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

When Remus realised before college that he actually had feelings for Sirius he considered turning down her offer to live together. But Remus, whose financial situation wasn’t as stable then as it is now, didn’t have a good enough reason to decline the offer, and he wasn’t keen on the idea of his little crush being exposed. Sirius’ enthusiasm made it all the more impossible to resist.

“Moony, we've been living together for 7 years already!” She had reasoned. Yes, but I didn’t know I liked you the way I do now.

“We’ve already lived with each other and it’s comfortable, no? We know each other’s habits, what tea the other likes, what they’re allergic to, what juice to avoid and what fruits cereal don’t get too soggy too quickly. It’ll be like boarding school all over again, but better this time. We will play whatever music we like and host game nights for everyone. It won’t be that different, if you think about it.

Not that different. Oh Sirius, you’re so naive.

Remus had actually managed for a while. He was getting used to the idea and even allowed himself to be a little proud of himself for keeping his feelings at bay. Even if the constant touching was causing his breath to catch a bit too often. But he got used to that, eventually. As used as one can get to be graced with Sirius’ affection. 

But it would get hard at times. For instance, whenever Sirius made him his favourite breakfast. She often did that ever since he told her all about Hope’s brilliant breakfast and how it had always been a bit of a comfort for him to wake up to his mother’s food. They had visited her last Christmas in Cardiff and Sirius had actually gotten her to teach them how to make everything right for Remus, despite him insisting that he’s perfectly capable of making his own breakfast and that Sirius’ efforts were already deeply appreciated.

Or, whenever Remus got sick and Sirius got off work earlier to bring him soup from the Potters’ and make sure he was hydrated and well-rested. They’d always end up watching a sitcom, Remus on his side with a blanket draped over him and his head resting on Sirius’ lap, too delirious and fever-drunk to fight it. Sirius would make silly comments that would have Remus borrow deeper into the blanket with every huff of laughter, and Sirius’ fingers would eventually find their way in Remus’ curls. (Whenever Remus was aware of this, at the rare moments sleep had not taken over him yet, he’d need to give his blood, sweat and tears for remaining extremely calm, sane, and in control of himself.)

Being bathed in Sirius’ care was almost the happiest he’d ever been.

Almost, because he was the happiest whenever he got to do things for Sirius. Something he thought he might be taking it too far, but it wouldn;t take more than a smile from her to decide that it didn’t matter, He made her happy and that was that.

He’d take weekly trips over to the next town because there was this organic shop that made Sirius’ favourite cookies which he inhaled within a few days. On the days he got in earlier than Sirius, he’d throw their towels into the dryer so they’d be all warm when Sirius got home and wanted to take a shower. If Sirius was feeling dysphoric and not up to much, he’d always call the Potters’ to order a ton of food, bring Sirius a jumper of his that was too big, even on Remus, and have Sirius choose a Disney movie to watch. (It was always Brother Bear since that was the first movie he watched with James and Regulus when they first moved in with the Potters). After a night out, if Sirius was a bit too tipsy to function, he’d always make her sit down and drink water as he brushed her hair before putting it into a braid so she wouldn’t wake up with it all tangled up in knots.

He would always stare at her. How could anyone not? Sirius was a force of nature. They were ethereal, something carved in the depths of forests where divine and magic flowed. Whether it was her frowning at her laptop screen while working on an assignment, or the slow blinking of her eyes when she was getting tired but refused to put an end to game night, or their loud laughter filling up their home, head thrown back and eyes dancing with delight. Remus stared. Not because he wanted to, but because he was helpless to it. Sirius was like a spirit drawing him in, and he could do nothing but surrender to that beauty. 

However the past year things had started to take a downfall. 

Sirius’ affection was leaning on the side of too much, making Remus’ hope take constant leaps of faith.

Hope was a cruel thing. It makes you think about each action twice, seek desperately for a meaning behind every word, every look thrown your way. It made you restless and usually deprived you of sleep.

Remus had lost count of how many times he had almost barged in Sirius' room at night to hold her. How many times he had almost kissed Sirius in the living room as they talked over cups of coffee, or told her that he wanted her more than anything as they cooked, dancing around each other with brief touches on shoulders and waists, or jumped out of bed in the early hours because he just couldn’t bear the thought any longer, needing Sirius to know. 

And then it was this other thing.

Sirius had not dated anyone since they moved together a few years ago.

She had dated a bit during boarding school, but nothing that lasted over a week. But ever since they got into university, she didn’t even do that. They flirted with people of course, but they never, ever went out on dates, or brought anyone home.

Remus thought they might date just not to his knowledge, but frankly, he couldn’t see how that would be the case since Sirius was spending every waking hour with either James and the Potters’, at university, or with Remus.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

He quickly slid his hands under himself to avoid the urge to reach for Sirius. “It’s nothing like that, Sirius. It’s not, you’ve been wonderful and it’s… it’s been the most fund living with you, but-”

“Then what is it?” Remus knew Sirius well enough to know that the irritation slipping in her voice was a product of her defensive mechanism kicking in, which happened whenever Sirius wanted to avoid getting hurt or vulnerable. He was hurting her, and all he could think about was

I love you, I love you, I love you.

“I think… I’d like to try living by myself.” It was reasonable enough, wasn’t it? He decided it was better to swallow his emotions, not leave room for comments. Just say it. State the facts. " I’ve found a place, actually. Not far from here-”

“ Woah, woah, woah .” Sirius' eyes were cold now, not the welcoming grey of clouds, but the icy cold of a stormed sea. Closed off. "You’ve found a place ? What, is this some kind of joke?” Their voice broke a bit on the last word and Remus tried with everything in him to keep himself from whining. He tried to reach.

“No, I did. I can afford it, too. It’s smaller than this one but I can manage.”  

“You’ve already seen the place?” Her voice came out quiet, leaning back on the sofa with a disbelieving sigh. Remus felt like he was betraying her, and he thought it might be the worst feeling he’d had to bear. “How long have you known Remus? How long has this been decided?” 

Remus always thought that if he had to choose a version of Sirius that was his least favourite, it would be whirlwind Sirius. Stiff shoulders, cold gaze, harsh words. But what he came to realise now was that he’d never get to see that version of Sirius because she trusted him. Even amidst her hurt she didn’t push him away. Instead they kept trusting Remus enough to look him in his eyes with a look that means nothing more than ‘why are you doing this to me?’.

Remus couldn’t bear to see it. He closed his eyes.

“Well?”

"Almost three weeks.” It came out as a whisper, as if it was a secret.

“Three-” A humourless laugh “Three weeks?”  

“Almost.” Remus added helplessly, opening his eyes.

“Fucking hell Remus.” She huffed, running a hand through her hair in an act of frustration. "Why didn’t you tell me? If there was a problem you should’ve told me, Remus. We’re supposed to be… we’re friends. You’ve known for three weeks that you wanted to move? That's nearly a month. You went around looking for places without me? And I’m hearing this now?”

“I didn’t think it was necessary to upset you-”

“Not necessary to upset me? What are you on about?” Sirius snapped, her face morphed in disbelief. They looked away from him, clenching her jaw and taking deep breaths to calm herself. When she looked back Remus felt like screaming. “You’re unbelievable Remus.”

He felt the familiar stinging in his eyes and tried to rub off the potential breakdown with the heels of his palms.

“Listen, I’m sorry. I just needed to do this and I..I guess I didn’t want you to...I don’t know-”

“Be included?” She glared.

 “No.” He shook his head and tried to go for a gentle approach. “Be upset about it. I had made my decision and I needed to go ahead without…without-”

“My shit in the way.” Their smile was equal parts self-deprecating and cold. His insides clenched.

“I didn’t say that. Stop putting words to my mouth. I didn’t want you to be upset about it while I was apartment hunting and sorting things out.” He desperately tried to keep his voice steady, trying to hide the part of him that screamed at him to take it all back. Remus knew it would hurt Sirius as he was doing it, looking for other places that was, but he foolishly hoped that his mind was making it up worse that it’d actually play out. Now, having the aftermath of his decision play out in the form of Sirius’ pain, he hated himself for even thinking that Sirius would be fine with it. He let the book fall on the floor and placed his arms on his knees in front of him, fingers rubbing against the fabric of his jeans, just to have something to do. "I have made my decision.”

“Yes, you’ve made that pretty fucking clear.” She snapped again. 

Silence.

“I want to know why you’re moving.”

“I told you-”

“Don’t give me shit, Remus. I’m not a child. Tell me the reason.” His tone flat, fury filling his eyes. Remus looked away, finding the eye contact draining.

He took a moment to choose the right words. What were the right words? “I just want to live by myself at this point. I’ve never done it.”

Sirius shook his head disbelievingly.

“So you’ve sorted it all out, haven’t you?'' Sirius questioned, “So what now?” It almost came out like a demand, her eyebrows raised expectantly.

“I’m moving next week-”

Sirius scoffed, a hurt smile on his lips while she was biting her bottom lip. Remus hurried to go on.

“I’ve already talked to the landlady. I actually talked to Mary as well, and… she’s looking for a place, if you want a roommate. I have some money saved and I’ll provide you with two months rent before-”

“I don’t want your fucking money Remus!” Sirius snapped, a manic look in her eyes as if Remus was talking crazy. Remus’ breath caught when he noticed the unspilled tears gathered in Sirius's eyes.

No. No, no please no. Don’t cry, I won’t be able to keep my mouth shut if you cry.

”I don’t want rent, or-or Mary, or you planning my fucking life. I want to live with you. You, Remus. I want..” She trailed off, face scrunching up in a grimace before she sniffed.

Don’t cry, my love, please-

“But I guess it doesn’t matter.” They continued, her eyes desperate, almost pleading.“ You’ve made your decision, right?” 

I won’t be able to leave if you keep looking at me like that.

Remus’ bottom lip started trembling and he bit it, hard. He blinked, tried to regulate his breathing while staring at the coffee table, away from Sirius’ hurt expression which he had been so cruel as to put on her beautiful face. Don’t cry, don’t fucking cry. Please.

Remus didn’t blame her one bit. It was his fault falling for Sirius, it was his fault not being able to navigate his feelings, and it was his fault that the person he loved most had this utterly broken look in their face that Remus hadn’t seen before. Remus hated to be the cause of it, so much.

Did that change anything?

No.

“Is there anything else?” They asked, the fight having gone out of him now.

I love you. “No.” He let out a shaky breath.

He could feel Sirius starring, his gaze burning on the side of Remus’ face and he bit his cheek in an attempt to stave off the tears. He couldn’t look at her. Her beautiful face covered in frowns, confusion, hurt. His chest was in pain, foot was tapping furiously on the carpet anxiously. He didn’t want to leave either but he couldn’t say that because he’d have to tell Sirius the real reason behind this. He wasn’t going to do that, he refused to ruin a friendship because of his unwanted feelings. He just hoped he hadn’t ruined it with his decision anyways.

“And you’re moving next week?” A final question.

“Yes.” A final whispered answer.

“Great.” Sirius snapped and slammed the screen of his laptop closed, the noise making Remus flinch. "Fucking great.” They repeated before standing up.

It was moments later when he heard the door to her bedroom slam closed that Remus broke down.

He stared at the place Sirius had been unseeingly and blurry from the tears, breath hitching around sobs and whispered apologies for no one to hear.

His head dropped to his knees, hands grabbing at his curls, searching for something, anything to ground him but to no avail. Sobs kept raking through his throat, his heart was pounding and he was shaking but the only thing he registered was the mantra in his head.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry

Sobs kept racking through his throat, his heart was pounding and he was shaking but the only thing he registered was the mantra in his head.

So sorry. 

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

“Where is she?”James asked as soon as Remus opened the door.

It was around noon and Remus had slept in the living room. Not exactly slept as much as crying himself to sleep. Sirius was still in his room, not coming out even when Remus knocked on his door about two hours ago to ask him if he was alright. They answered with a brief ‘Fine’ and he suspected that was because he didn’t want Remus entering the room to make sure in case he got no answer. The only time Sirius got out of his room was early in the morning to visit the bathroom, the sound of water was what had woken Remus up.

“Her room.” Remus said, voice hoarse from misuse.

James had known that Remus was about to move. He had told him about three days ago, while they were out for dinner and Sirius had been at the university, finishing up on an assignment until late.

Three days ago, when Remus got home with dinner for Sirius and walked in to find him fast asleep on the couch, looking so soft and calm, the epitome of beauty with cheeks all smushed from the pillow. It occurred then to him that from next week starting, there was no chance of watching Sirius sleep on the couch, arguing with her about which record to put on, getting to listen to her singing softly as they made breakfast, pillow imprints still on their skin, simply existing in the flat because he had decided to move.

“Moony,” James sighed, closing the door behind him "are you sure about this?” He asked gently.

What James didn’t know was how madly in love he was with their best friend.

“Prongs, please, don’t start now.” He almost pleaded, tone resigned as he moved to the kitchen to make some tea.

James nodded and sighed. "Okay, sorry. I’ll try and talk to her.” He offered and started walking to the end of the small hall where Sirius’ bedroom was.

Remus heard the door crack open and then close a moment later and sighed in relief before shagging against the counter. James was always good with Sirius, understood her in a level that even Remus wasn’t sure he was able to. 

He was blatantly aware of what he was doing and it had all been playing on his mind like a broken record for hours now.

Not only was he running away from his feelings, he was also running away from his best friend, stripping them of their shared security and comfort because he was both an idiot for falling for her and an even bigger coward for bolting.

Remus brought his tea in the living room and fell back into the spot he had occupied for the past several hours. Thursday's traffic was muffled by the windows and it was to that ambience and the sound of some GBBO reruns playing on the telly that he sat there and just waited.

An hour passed, or two, until Sirius’ door opened and he nearly cracked his neck with how quickly he turned, hoping to see her. 

Remus welcomed the disappointment that came with the sight of James exiting the room by himself, closing the door behind him. He tightened his hold on the chipped mug and sighed.

The couch sank beside him where James sat and he didn’t speak for a moment, opting for the silence to stretch out as he took off his glasses and wiped them clean with the end of his t-shirt.

“She’s mad at me.” Remus stated, going straight to the point.

“Can’t say she’s not.”James sighed and put his glasses back on "but…she's mostly upset. She’s gonna miss you.”

Remus snorted. “I think at this point they just want me out of here.” And he’d be willing to leave earlier if he wasn’t so selfish.

“They don’t.” James reassured with a gentle smile and a hand upon his knee. Remus shook his head in lack of saying anything else. “Come on, Moony. You know it was sudden. The whole thing…she thinks she’s done something wrong-”

“She hasn’t.” He interrupted, setting his mug on the table. “Sirius hasn't done anything wrong.” He sat back and rubbed his palm across his face. 

“Moony,” James started, the hand resting on his knee nudging him a bit “what happened? You guys were just fine.”

Remus rubbed his palms across his face before dropping his head on the back of the sofa, turning his head to meet James’ concerned eyes before speaking. 

“Nothing happened. I just felt like it was time to live by myself.” The more he repeated it, the more it felt like a lie and he hated, hated, hated it. "I’m almost 23 now.” He added with a shrug. He didn’t think that was very convincing either way.

“I totally get that. You’re reasonable, you really are.” James said encouragingly.

“But?” Remus prompted.

“But,” he smiled softly, “you just look too unsure for it to be the truth.”

Remus shrugged again, trying to think of what to say next. "’ll miss him.” So bloody much . “Look, I’m sure about moving, it just upsets me that she’s not taking it well. I don’t blame her, of course.” Oh, and also, leaving her is the last thing I want to do. In fact, all I really want to do is go in there right now, hold her and never let her go.

“Right.” James nodded. “I just want to make sure that’s what you want, Remus.”

Remus didn’t answer, mostly because he didn’t see the point in this conversation so they deflected.

”Are you staying for dinner?” Maybe if James stayed he was likely to get Sirius to join too. She hadn’t eaten at all.

“No, sorry.” He paused and glanced at his phone to check the time. “I have to go. Lily’s gonna be home any minute.” He smiled apologetically.

“Tell her I said hi.”

“That I will. We’re still on for Saturday right?”James asked as he stood up, hands tracing over his pockets to check he’s got everything.

“Yep.” He smiled and James patted him on the shoulder.

“Try talking to her. She wants you to.” He raised his eyebrows and Remus nodded quietly, only internally disagreeing.

It was when they reached the front door and opened it that James paused, turning to look at Remus with a sceptic look in his eyes. “I just want you to know that there’s always an alternative in every situation. Yes?”

Remus just nodded, too tired to protest against it.

James hugged him briefly before Remus sent him off with a quiet ‘Good night.’

And then, silence.

He’d been standing outside Sirius' door for a couple minutes before he scolded himself and finally summoned the courage to knock. He hadn’t heard any movement or sound apart from the music that was quietly playing on the other side of the door.

He took a breath and knocked the door three times before taking a step back. Maybe this was a bad idea after all.

He waited a couple moments, and just as his shoulders sagged and braced himself for another night of radio-silence, he heard footsteps approaching the door before it swung open, revealing Sirius.

He took a good look at her dimmed eyes, posture lazy and tired, almost resigned. So unlike Sirius. They blinked slowly and raised an eyebrow expectantly.

“Will you please come out of your room?” Remus offered.

Sirius ignored it and moved to sit back on her bed, leaving the door open.

Remus took that as a good sign, a half-hearted invitation to enter the room. At least she didn’t slam the door in his face. Baby steps.

“Sirius.” He pressed.

“What?” She asked distractedly, pretending to be interested in whatever was on her laptop screen. Remus would indulge her.

“Let’s hang out for a bit.You haven’t eaten anything all day.” Remus offered, gaze unwavering until Sirius gave up the pretence and turned to look at him. “Please?” 

He watched with a baited breath as Sirius’ expression relaxed, letting out a sigh before nodding. “Fine.”

Remus tried not to smile and moved to the side when Sirius got up from their bed to move past him in the direction of the kitchen. 

“Let me.” He said when Sirius opened the cabinet to grab plates.

Sirius gave him a brief look before stopping the task at hand and leaving the kitchen without a word. Remus began to panic, thinking she had closed off again and was about to go after her when he saw her walk towards the living room and take a seat on their sofa. He sighed in relief  before moving to serve them both the remains of food they had happily cooked the evening before.

After heating it all up and placing it in two separate plates he got both of them two glasses of water before bringing everything in the living room with him in a tray. 

Remus took a seat at the other end of the sofa as they decided, with as little words as possible, on something to watch.

He would usually sit on the floor and Sirius would absentmindedly stroke his curls. Other he would sit on the couch and spread his legs to rest on Sirius’ laps so he could trace little circles before Remus would fall asleep in the middle of a movie. Or Sirius would sit close to him so he’d end up running his fingers through her hair, always ending up braiding stray locks here and there.

Now, he just crossed his legs under his body and started eating, both of them quiet as they watched the movie. The tension however was proving to be too much and Remus found that he had lost his appetite. He missed the warmth of her body, her stupid jabs and comments on the movies, the playful tone in her voice and the domesticity that had now turned into angst.

I need you, god. Look at me, touch me, scream at me, do anything. Just please don’t give me your silence.

As Remus placed the plate back on the table after two or three bites Sirius eyed him for a brief second. She’d usually prompt Remus to eat more, but now, when Remus met her eyes she just turned her gaze back on the telly.

His stomach dropped.

He was dreading it. He wanted to reach for her, keep her close to him. He wanted to hug her, bury his face in her hair and tell her over and over of how he despised himself for doing this, of how he didn’t want to leave. He wanted to kiss her and not stop, make her laugh, that bark-like thing, careless, heartfelt, loud enough to make everything else melt into background noise.

Remus had been staring for a minute when he noticed Sirius clenching his jaw.

“Sirius..” he began and reached for her hand sitting on her knee.

Sirius quickly moved it away, resting it on top of the other on her stomach without acknowledging his efforts.

Remus inhaled sharply, something inside him clenching, breaking, shattering and sending a lump in his throat.

Sirius didn’t even want to touch him.

He looked around the room for a few moments, helplessly, trying to gather himself enough before standing up, grabbing his place and tossing it in the sink before nearly running to his bedroom, closing the door behind him.

The minute he landed on the bed, more tears came.

Did Sirius think this was easy for Remus? That he was looking forward to it? That he wanted nothing more than to get out of here?

She should know. Sirius should know, even without the ‘Remus being utterly in love with them’ part, they should know this would be hard for him as well. 

They were friends that grew up together. Of course that must be confusing for Sirius but she must know that Remus was the happiest he’s ever been with her and that he’d need her support when it came to leaving it behind.

As Remus cried, he stubbornly refused to believe that Sirius would talk to him until he left.

That Sirius would be too busy being mad at him.

What Remus didn’t know that tonight, it would be Sirius’ sobs echoing through the living room.

Two hurt people, on opposite sides of a door.

The next day was quiet, Remus had classes that morning and Sirius had to work.

He remembers with a pang of hurt discussing excitedly with Sirius what they’d do on their day off and how it ended up being ruined.

Concentrating was hard, but he found that being around people and keeping himself busy gave him some perspective and time to cool off.

He returned home in the afternoon, having only a few hours to spare until Sirius would be back from his shift. Remus decided to cook dinner so he could spend time with Sirius, under the pretence of dinner, even in silence. He was going to cook for them either way, but still. He’d take whatever Sirius was willing to give him at this point.


Eating together was a small step that Remus called a small win. He even dared to ask Sirius about her day in a poor attempt to make conversation. A silent apartment when empty is one thing but a silent apartment when the most vibrant and bright person in the world is in it, is just pure misery.

Usually, she’d come back home ready to recount the funniest encounters she’s had with customers, along with commentary and good-natured jokes. Then they’d proceed to ask Remus about their day while pretending to help Remus cook but ending up sitting on the counter next to the stove, swinging her legs as they rambled about this and that.

Today, they just nodded and offered a quiet ‘It was good.’ 

Remus didn’t press any further though. He was thankful to spend some more time in her company, Sirius watching a sitcom on the telly as he read his book.

Now, to an outsider, the scene would seem the same as always, both sitting on the sofa, doing their own thing, existing in the same space contentedly. Remus however would feel the tension between them, the emotional distance put between them by his moving and Sirius pushing him away.

Before the past few days, he didn’t think such a moment could exist between the two of them. Comfort was all they’ve ever known with each other. 

Remus was the first to get up, asking Sirius whether she needed anything before going to bed.

Sirius replied with a simple; “I’m okay, thanks.”, so Remus just walked to the bathroom to take a shower before turning in for the night. The hot water was barely a distraction but a well-needed relaxation for his muscles nonetheless.

Once he was done and dressed he entered the corridor to see light coming in from the telly which meant Sirius was still up. He walked quietly to the end of the hall, leaning against the wall to watch her.

Her profile was lit in blue and orange hues from the telly, illuminating her features in a way that made her seem almost translucent, even stellar. She was beautiful.

She reached for her hair, gathering her curls in a bun, and suddenly she turned in her seat to look at him, sensing his presence hoovering.

Neither moved for a few seconds, they just kept looking at each other, both trying to communicate something the other couldn’t begin to understand. 

Remus swallowed, before daring to give her a soft, awkward smile. But the spell was broken. Sirius turned away quickly, glancing on her lap for a brief moment, letting her hair cascade down her shoulders before turning her attention back to the tv. 

As if nothing happened.

Remus sighed and went to bed, where he tossed and turned for the better part of an hour.

He missed her so much.

This distance was killing him more than moving away ever could.

The next morning they were both at home. Sirius had to work at noon and Remus didn’t have any classes on Saturday.

He woke up, welcoming the burden, which had now turned into a constant, in his chest as realisation hit him.  Two more mornings and then he’d be waking up in a new apartment.

An apartment with no Sirius in it.

He shook off the thought and got off his bed, mentally preparing himself for whatever the day ahead held for him. Hopefully less silence. A man could only hope.

He knew Sirius was awake from the sound of music coming from the kitchen, the scent of bacon and the various drawers and cabinets opening and closing.

Remus would usually take his time in the morning when he didn't have lectures. He’d take his time dressing up and washing up but this time he did everything quicker than usual, not wanting to leave any of the time he had left with Sirius go to waste.

If Sirius didn’t want to talk to him then so be it. But he wasn’t about to miss out on the opportunity of just being in the same room with her. In a few days he would be in a flat all alone, making his own breakfast, sans laughter, soft mornings and grey.

He walked in the kitchen to find Sirius in sweats and a brown t-shirt, her hair in a braid.

The sight was so domestic Remus’ heart softened. A few days ago it would’ve been him braiding her hair, finishing it with a gentle squeeze of her shoulders. Then she’d turn around and give him her brightest grin before smacking a loud kiss on his hair.

Now, glanced at him in acknowledgment before turning back to the pan in front of her, frying what Remus assumed to be bacon and eggs. A small stack of pancakes was already placed on the kitchen island and he could smell tea. 

“I’m making us breakfast.” Sirius announced with their back to Remus. .

Remus was sure the surprise he felt was painted all over his face. Making us breakfast.

He was obviously in a better mood, right? Maybe the idea had started to sink in. Maybe Sirius was done making it harder as it already is.

Maybe they could spend their last hours as roommates in peace.

“Good morning, cheers.'' He said, trying to keep the fondness and delight of being spoken to out of his voice.

He didn’t get another response, so he just walked over to the counter and poured himself some tea. He checked to see if Sirius’ mug needed filling, and placed the teapot back when he saw that she was drinking coffee. He leaned against it , watching Sirius scramble the eggs and turning the slices of bacon over. Still nothing. 

“How-um..are you alright?” He asked carefully before taking a sip. It was too hot to be drunk yet and he knew it but he desperately needed the distraction that came with it.

Sirius just sighed, placing the bacon and eggs on two separate plates. “Remus, can you please not do this?” Her voice came out tired and monotone.

Maybe not, then.

Remus frowned as he searched her face for something, anything. Sirius, sensing Remus’ confusion, took a deep breath and stopped her task, placing the pan back on the counter and turning to face Remus, mirroring his position against the counter.

“No, I'm not alright.” She said quietly, a frown adorning her face as her eyes danced around Remus’ face.

He had grown to feel comfortable under Sirius’ gaze, her soul too loving to see anything other than what he really was. Now, however, he was feeling nervous.

Of course he knew she wasn’t alright. That doesn’t make hearing it any less nerve wracking. Remus nodded slowly, before speaking; “I just want to spend time with you.” He chose honesty over pride. Even as friends, he is allowed to want to spend time with her, right?
Desperately.

Sirius took a sharp inhale of breath before turning back to her task, breaking eye-contact. They moved their plates on the kitchen island before walking to the fridge to get the box of juice, all while ignoring Remus completely.

“Sirius…please, talk to me.” He nearly begged.

He didn’t care one bit.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Remus.” Sirius stated as she took a seat, Remus taking the one opposite of her. 

“We’re still friends.” He began as Sirius placed two pancakes from the stack on her plate. Remus tried to ignore the fact that she left exactly 4 left on the plate, which is the amount she always makes for him. “Just…talk to me.” He pressed, voice laced with obvious desperation now. Sirius poured some honey over their pancakes, still not saying anything.

He knew Sirius well enough to see the signs of her uneasiness. She kept tucking stray strands of hair behind her ears over and over, socked foot bouncing furiously under the counter. But she was still ignoring him. Remus didn’t think it was him making her so uncomfortable, because he knew Sirius. He knew them to his core and he knew, Sirius had told him on multiple occasions that he was nothing but a source of security and comfort for her.

He knew how much she despised silence.

Not the kind you could relax on a summer afternoon, or the warm serenity of a winter morning. Besides, the music was still on, it wasn’t completely silent.

That was another kind of silence, that carried tension, words unspoken and hurt.

Was she doing it just to hurt him?

He didn’t think Sirius would ever do that, but if she was, it was a remarkable job.

“I don’t want to spend my last days here without us talking. Without…you.” He admitted quietly, hoping this small bit of confession would count for something.

That seemed to catch her attention because she looked at him, searching his face once again, thinking. She swallowed her bite, broke eye-contact by reaching for her juice before speaking.  “And I don’t want you spending any ‘last days’ here at all.”

Remus felt as if he’d been punched in the gut.

All he could do was nod. He didn’t want to spend any ‘last days’ there either but hearing Sirius put it out so plainly made the whole thing even worse. Hearing Sirius telling him, in similar words, that he didn’t want to leave.

His resolve was hanging by a thread at this point. 

“I guess nobody gets what they want.” She went on, reaching for her eggs.

 Remus' breath hitched at that and he sat back in his chair, biting his lip in order to will away the vulnerability shining through his eyes.

Nobody gets what he wants, well-noted, Sirius.

As if Remus didn’t know this first hand. Didn’t know about wanting something with your whole being and keep telling yourself over and over that you’ll never have it. That he shouldn’t take the affectionate touches and the loving smiles for anything that they’re not. That he shouldn’t fool himself because it would only end in inevitable heartache. The same way it was inevitable for him to fall for Sirius.

His lovely, lovely star.

The one who would barely look at him when, a few days prior, she’d be bouncing over, smack a hyperbolic kiss on his cheek and say, unnecessarily loud ‘Good morning Moons!’

“Thank you for breakfast.” He mumbled as he stood up abruptly, reaching for his keys in the ceramic plate by the door (a housewarming gift by Hope, the irony didn’t escape him) and exiting the apartment.

He hated the thought of leaving Sirius alone in the apartment after making them breakfast, but he hated the thought of sitting there, willing himself not to cry over her dispassion.

The rest of the morning was spent on a bench, smoking and people watching. He’d usually do that with Sirius, pastries and takeaway cups sitting between them as they talked and made up stories about the passers-by, before it was time for Sirius’ shift and Remus would walk with her to work.

Now it was just him, and he tried not to mull over the thought of that being the case from now on.

It was calming for him to watch as the world went by. Mothers with their children, teenagers laughing on picnic blankets, people jogging and cycling, energetic dogs (that Sirius would end up petting and striking up one-sided conversations with) running and chasing tennis balls.

He wasn’t crying anymore, but he could feel the remnants of tears itching on his skin.

This situation was draining for both of them in such a disheartening way. Remus never thought he’d end up like this, with Sirius of all people. He even considered not moving for a moment but he reminded himself that it wouldn’t change anything.

They’d be back to normal maybe, but the ache of having Sirius’ at arms’ length and not being able to love him properly would be as present as ever. At least by moving away there was a chance of getting over Sirius.

Eventually.

When he went back home Sirius was already gone, so he spent the rest of the day making lunch, listening to music and packing the rest of his things.

Anything to keep himself busy until it was time to go.

And then, what?


⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

“Hi, handsome.” Lily grinned when he opened the door to climb in the car.

“Hi, Lily.” He smiled and closed the door before fastening his seatbelt.

 “Woah, what’s with the face?” She teased and started the car.

“Am I that obvious?” Remus laughed at himself and stared outside the window. He didn’t even want to know what he looked like right now, he avoided mirrors like the plague. For all he knows his hair is sticking up in every direction.

“Sirius didn’t take it well then?” She smiled kindly.

“Let’s just say I’d be glad if he had punched me or called me names.”He teased because what else was there to do.

“Ah, silent treatment then?” 

“Gravely silent.” She made a sympathetic grimace at that. “Didn’t James tell you?”

“Not much, just about that first night he visited Sirius. He told me she’d been quiet but I thought it would have been settled by now.”

 “You and me both.” He mumbled half-heartedly.

Lily reached over and placed a hand on his knee, squeezing it as a reassurance.

“You know,” she began after a while “you can always not move, you know that, right?”

“Jeez, how did I not think about that?'' He rolled his eyes and stared at the red traffic light.

“I’m just saying.” He nudged him playfully and he sighed.

“You know I have no choice Lily, I do-”

“ No choice. Jeez, I don’t know, how about telling him the truth?” She mocked with a pointed look. Mary and Lily were the only people in their group who knew about his feelings about Sirius. Mary had actually worked it out herself just after a month Remus realised he liked Sirius. She had caught him staring like an idiot, smiling to himself and worked it out immediately.

Lily was another thing altogether. Somehow she knew before Remus himself.

“Right. ‘Hey Sirius, listen I love you, so just a heads up. Now, I know that you don’t feel the same but let’s just keep living together and ignore the fact that I’m hopelessly pining over you every day. No pressure.” He mocked. Even the thought of it was surreal.

“Try adding ‘no homo’ in the end.” She smirked, both sharing a laugh.

“Remus, you don’t know how they might respond.” She offered for the hundredth time that week and Remus couldn’t help but rub a hand across his face in  an act of frustration. "You can’t be sure they don’t feel the same. I’ve seen how they-”

“I can. I’d know if she did. I know Sirius, she’d tell me.” Because she’s not a pathetic coward, his mind felt necessary to add.

“The same way you’re telling her?” She accused.

“Let’s please not talk about it anymore. It’s all settled now.”

“You’re not okay with this either, Remus-”

“Lily.” He interrupted sternly. He really didn’t want to keep talking about this. He’d heard all of it before and he thought he might know a thing or two about Sirius. The possibility of her liking him back was slim to non-existent so he chose to perish the thought instead of throwing himself in a bubble of false hope.

 “Fine! I’ll stop.” She raised a hand in surrender and chuckled before changing the subject to something lighter, telling him about their latest visit to the Potters and how Fleamont has knitted her a beautiful scarf.

Remus suddenly felt lighter, welcoming the distraction that was Lily’s voice.

They arrived at the pub soon after, hurrying to escape the cold wind after Lily parked the car.

It was warm inside, the orange lights giving the place a cosy look.

Remus loved this pub because it was never overcrowded, it had perfect food, and a lot of the furniture looked as if it belonged to a hobbit.

They spotted their group of friends easily, and as soon as they approached they were met with choruses of ‘hellos’ and a kiss from James each. (Lily on the lips, Remus on the cheek.)

Peter and Dorcas took upon them the task of getting the first round of drinks and soon Remus was able to sit back and relax in the familiarity of his friends’ company. Minus one. 

Sirius appeared twenty minutes later, straight from work. She looked wonderful.

Her hair was in loose curls falling past her shoulders, lips painted in a warm shade that only worked to enhance her beauty ever more. As they removed their coat Remus noticed them wearing it. It was a necklace he’d bought for them last christmas, small rhinestones resembling teardrops hung from the silver chain, bringing out their eyes even more. They usually didn’t wear it because it was ‘too precious to risk losing it’ and only wore it on nights out, days they felt particularly like dressing up and special occasions. Remus had been so hung up on it that he almost missed the smile she sent his way as they greeted everyone, warmth spilling all over his insides. (He knocked his knee under the table and Lily sent him a funny look that was equal parts amusement and reminder to get himself together.)

It didn’t last for long, though. The silent treatment was back. It may not have been obvious in the way she moved, or the conversations she made but again, Remus could see it. Whenever he made a joke Sirius would laugh and make a general comment, never addressing Remus, or looking at him. Remus did manage to steal a few glances here and there, but Sirius would quickly turn away and start a conversation with someone else.

“Moony, when are we seeing your new place?” Mary asked absentmindedly, taking a sip of her beer. Remus’ felt his stomach tighten immediately. He was hoping the topic would be avoided since he was on thin ice already with Sirius, and in hopes of using this night as a much-needed distraction to the major life changing decision that he was less than happy with.

But now there it was, all laid out on the table. He felt as if walking on glass. He threw a glance at Sirius, as if mentally checking with her for permission to talk about it. When Sirius reached for her drink and ignored him, he deemed it safe to speak. 

“Well… I’m moving in on Monday. So, whenever you want, I guess.” He shrugged and tried to sound as casual as possible.

“Hey, could we help with it? Maybe order dinner after? Sort of like a welcome.” Dorcas offered happily.

“Yes Moony, that'd be great! So you won’t be alone your first night away, yes?” Mary smiled encouragingly and James agreed that the new apartment would need a good Marauders’ inspection.

“The whole point of moving out is being alone.” Sirius talked before popping a chip into her mouth, looking at Remus unwaveringly.

Lily reached for his hand under the table and gave it an encouraging squeeze as silence draped over their table. They looked at the two of them, sitting at opposite ends of the table, as if they were some bomb waiting to explode. At last, it was Peter who broke the silence so effortlessly, making Remus let out a breath and thank all gods and heavens for Peter Pettigrew. He made a mental note to buy him something pretty later. 

“I’m telling you, you guys are so lucky to live on your own. Living with Gid and Fab is not a hoot at all.” He whined and earned a shove from James.

“Move out you wanker!”

“I can’t! I’ve signed the stupid lease for another year.” Peter threw his hands in the air, making the rest of the table break into laughter. Remus was the first to look away from Sirius’ piercing gaze and he found himself clearing his throat before reaching for his beer.

There was a shift after that. Sirius’ eyes wouldn’t leave him for long enough and Remus has almost spilt his beer twice by now. The hazy state of jokes and singing around the table helped, but Remus couldn’t ignore the scrutiny he was being under. His skin was buzzing and he could sit still for long enough.

He’d never felt so on edge under Sirius’ eyes, but then again Sirius had never looked at him like that. So intensely, as if staring into his soul. He felt an awful lot like a prey under his predator’s calculations and thought that maybe he had underestimated the value of silent treatment.

Knowing he was being watched, he leaned towards Lily and told her quietly that he’s going out to get some air. One part of him was curious whether Sirius would follow him as they usually would, sharing a cigarette and silence as they both wind down from the hustle of their table.

He needed to escape from Sirius’ eyes, just for a few minutes so he could get himself together and stop fumbling awkwardly. If Sirius were to follow him outside, Remus would do nothing to stop it.

Granted, it was Sirius he tried to avoid right now, but there was not one part of Remus that would ever deny her. Even if she followed him to keep up the unnerving staring contest, Remus would take it.

The pavement was damp from humidity, street lights reflecting on the road making the view look like an oil painting. He welcomed the cold wind against his face, blowing his curls away from his face, feeling like he could finally breathe.

Remus just had enough time to lean back on the brick wall and light up a cigarette when the door to the pub creaked open. 

 He didn’t need to look to know it was, and his suspicions were only confirmed when Sirius came to stand next to him, not mirroring his position but opting to lean against the wall, facing Remus.

Remus took a drag, exhaled, and then spoke, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Please stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what?” Came the quick response, her voice much softer than he’d anticipated.

“Like you despise me.” Another drag. He heard Sirius take a sharp intake of breath before sagging against the wall.

“I could never despise you, Remus.” Her voice came out muffled, and Remus looked to find her face covered by her palms, rubbing her face in what must be exhaustion. At least she was getting tired of their situation as well. When she finally emerged, she ran her hands through her and turned to look at him, expression gentle with obvious hints of sadness.

“I’m sorry about earlier.” 

“You didn’t say anything wrong.” Remus said, his eyes fixed on Sirius’ profile. The slope of her nose, the crease of her brows, her cupid's bow. He wanted to kiss her.

“Still a shitty thing to say.” She shrugged.

“It was.” Remus agreed with a teasing smile, trying to lighten the mood.

Sirius met his smile with a small quirk of her lips before a sigh parted her lips, her face falling back into a frown. “Is it all ready then?” 

“Mhm.” he hummed in response “I’ve got some last minute packing left, but other than that all’s ready. It comes furnished, so...” He trailed off and put out his cigarette after the last drag.

“Good.” Sirius nodded, eyes now refusing to meet Remus’.

There were a few moments,maybe minutes of silence, that Remus didn’t feel like going back inside. He felt like the conversation wasn’t over and was proved right when Sirius talked again, voice low and hesitant. Unsure.

“Was I coming on too strong?” She shot an apprehensive glance at Remus before looking back towards the passing traffic again. 

What? “What?”

Did Sirius think she made Remus uncomfortable? Sure Sirius was touchy sometimes but Remus was more than fond of that. She’d been that way since boarding school and Remus was particularly careful with showing her that he didn’t mind being the object of her affection one bit, even when it was causing him pain. He’d always been careful to welcome her touches with soft caresses of his own.

“Nothing.” She shook her head, frowning to herself. “Nothing, I just-forget it. It’s cool.” Her  foot was tapping nervously on the pavement and Remus knew it was best not to bring attention to it or ask further questions was Sirius to bolt. He needed to tread lightly if he wanted to keep her right there with him. Just for a bit longer.  

“Sirius,” he began, “will you please look at me for a moment?” He tried softly and watched as Sirius took a deep breath, as if bracing herself before she turned and met his eyes with her own glassy ones.

His beautiful, sad girl.

He sighed and ignored the feeling in his gut telling him to kiss her face against the wall right then and there. Tried to ignore the way the streetlights reflected on her skin. “I couldn’t be more honest when I said that you did nothing wrong.”

Sirius looked away briefly and Remus waited until her attention was back at him before continuing, “ You didn’t, Sirius. I know that it seems like...living with you is too much or that you are too much. But, I-God Sirius, this couldn’t be further from the truth. I enjoyed every minute of us living together.” Every minute being with you, watching you make your way through life, taking me right along with you, helpless and surrendered to your glow.

Sirius bit the inside of her cheek then, eyelids slightly hooded from the alcohol, blinking slowly, processing Remus words. Remus knew her by now. She was trying to decipher his words, trying to look for the truth behind them.

Remus kept looking at her, steady and open.

Don’t ever stop looking at me. Keep looking, look for whatever you want, I’ll give you everything-

“I know it’s hard for you to understand that I have my reasons to do this without your mind playing tricks on you. You know me, Sirius.” In a moment of immense bravery he reached for her hand, holding it gently and placing it over his beating heart, trying hard not to miss any of the emotions flashing through Sirius’ eyes. “You know me. There is nothing you could do that could drive me away.” Except being exactly who you are. Except making me fall so madly in love with you all there is to do is run away fromthe inevitable heartbreak that awaits me. He watched her, until apprehension started melting into unadulterated trust, his heart doing a flip before continuing, “I might have a hard time explaining it to you, but I do have my reasons, and they’re valid enough for me to move out.”

There was no sign of anger or frustration when she nodded, just trust and sorrow.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Remus asked, his thumb stroking the back of her palm in a soothing manner.

“Okay. Yeah.” She confirmed.

“Okay.”

 They kept looking at each other for a bit, eyes fleeting and searching for different things or perhaps the exact same thing, before Remus slowly let her hand go, both of them resting back on the wall in an unsaid agreement.

Remus closed his eyes, allowing Sirius’ woodsy perfume along with the scent of upcoming rain to fill his senses. The wind felt refreshing, though he suspected it had more to do with what he just said rather than London’s weather.

Few moments of silence and then,

“Who gets the record player?” He opened his eyes to find a small, cute smile playing on Sirius’ lips.

“You, of course.” He smiled back, finding it much easier now that Sirius seemed so relaxed.  “You paid for it.”

“Remus, you know that doesn’t-”

“I know, I know. But, see, I have already bought your birthday present in the form of records, and they’d be useless if I was to take it with me.”

“Oh, so you have ulterior motives. I see.” She said, easily slipping into their usual banter.

“You know me. Selfish as always.”

“Of course.” They nodded, a solemn expression on their face before transforming into a grin.

Remus was so glad to see it he could kiss her a million times. Over and over-

“You’re keeping the blanket we keep in the living room, though.”

“Of course I am, it’s mine.” 

Sirius chuckled at that, a low sound that made Remus’ heart skip several beats. If only he could bottle it up, kiss it. 

“Hey,” he nudged her softly before nodding towards the front door of the pub “care for another round?”  

“Lead the way, Moons.” If it wasn’t for her laugh, the nickname was sure to bring his heart to a stop, only beating again for the sole purpose of doing somersaults.

She hadn’t called him that in days.

 He swallowed the sudden lump in his throat and concealed it with a watery grin of his own before opening the door, allowing Sirius to enter first, leading her with a gentle hand on her waist before he slipped in the warmth behind her.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

They stumbled into the apartment a few hours later, giddy from the alcohol and a night well spent in the company of their little found family.

Sirius had been singing the whole way home until their neighbour, an old lady in her 80s, had to actually open her front door and reprimand them for their ‘youthful carelessness’.

Remus helped Sirius take off her shoes in the entrance, Sirius wiggling and making the whole ordeal harder than it had to be, but Remus didn’t mind one bit. She was giggling the whole time, cheeks flushed and hair all messed up from the wind.

Stellar.

He managed, with comparably less alcohol in his system, to pour them both glasses of water to drink before he stirred Sirius towards the living room to take a seat while he was getting ready for bed. Then he’d be able to dedicate all his attention to getting her to bed.

Just as he was walking down the corridor something heavy hit the floor with a loud thud. He turned around quickly, worry spiking in him before he found Sirius sprawled on the floor in what he assumed was a failed attempt to land on the couch, a drunk, proud looking grin adorning her face. 

“Did you-did you just fall…?”

Sirius burst into laughter then, delighted at this turn of events as she threw her head back to rest on the cushions. 

“You’re ridiculous.” He shook his head in disbelief, his heart full of affection for her as he started making his way back down the corridor.

“You love me!” She called weakly from her place on the floor.

“That I do.” He mumbled to himself and closed the bathroom door.

He hurried through everything, not wanting to leave Sirius alone in her drunken state since she tended to get up to no good whenever they were tipsy. He only took a moment to look at himself in the mirror, his flushed cheeks and crazy state his hair was in, similar to Sirius’.

He shook his head to get himself to concentrate on the task at hand, and once his hands were washed and dried he walked back into the living room.

Sirius had now moved to the sofa, legs sprawled out as they flipped through channels too fast to register what was actually playing on each one of them.

“We should sleep.” He said and watched as Sirius stopped switching the channels when they stumbled upon a show that had to do with…superstitions?

“Sit with me for a while.” She requested softly. She had sat up straighter and had one arm extended as if to reach Remus and pull him close except she wasn’t even close to touching him.

Remus bit his lips to prevent his grin from spreading and moved to the sofa, unfolding the blanket resting on the back of it to drape over their legs and waists.

 The alcohol’s adrenaline had worn off in the quietness of the flat.

He took a seat close to where she was seated in one corner of the sofa and they both watched the show for a while as they settled under the blanket.

“Do you reckon he’s paid enough for this?” Sirius asked, her tone laced with genuine interest as she frowned at the man walking through the woods and speaking to the camera about why people knock on wood.

“He’d better be. Otherwise I can’t seem to find a reason why anyone with self-respect would do this for a living.” He huffed a laugh, indulging Sirius in this ridiculous conversation. The show was a bit fun though…

“Maybe that’s a part time job?” She offered. Why were they talking about a random man on the tv at 2am in the morning?

“Maybe he has a day job and this is just… his hobby.”

“Superstitions expert?” Remus frowned. That didn’t sound like a real job.

“Sure. Maybe it’s a thing like-like Batman. He only does this at night.” Sirius pointed out.

“Well that was filmed in the morning.” Remus pointed to the man who was still walking in the woods in broad daylight.

“Pfft.” Sirius chuckled and burst into a fit of giggles.

Their head fell back slightly, black waves falling away from their beautiful face. Remus wanted to reach over and kiss her wrinkled nose but instead joined her in laughter. Having to spend so many days with the absence of it, their close proximity was making him delirious, guard down and giddy. 

Eventually the laughter died down, only their ragged breaths and the aftertaste of their shared happiness in the air.

There was a moment of silence, something shifting in the air as Sirius, head resting on the back of the sofa turned to look at him through hooded lids.

Remus stared back, taking her in, each and every wonderful part of her. From her tired eyes,  high cheekbones falling to flushed cheeks, straight nose and lips parted in an exhale. The scattered moles on her neck resembling constellations she’s been named after, that tiny scar on the top right side of her lip. Remus wanted to kiss her, all of it, everything.

Something passed between them, Sirius moving closer by an inch before they spoke in a hushed voice, both afraid to break the spell they’d found themselves under;

“I’ll miss you Remus.” 

Her eyes were taking him in now, and under her incandescent glow all Remus could think was ‘ you’re tragically familiar, I know you from within’.  

“I will miss you too, Padfoot.” I already do. Please, don’t ever stop looking at me like that. 

Her eyes were still searching and Remus was on fire. He wanted to give, give it all, give her everything she was looking for and more. He’d belonged to her for a long time anyways. 

Then Sirius moved. She started leaning back, slowly, while simultaneously reaching for Remus’ waist. Her legs parted as she fell back on the sofa, Remus’ body slipping with hers, his head on her chest as he laid on top of her, feeling his body being enveloped in her hold.

He felt her chin above him, breath on his hair being replaced by a gentle press of lips. Remus didn’t know how, but the knot in his stomach tugged and he felt his body melting simultaneously. He closed his eyes, willing himself not to cry as he lost himself in Sirius’ touch. Another press of lips had Remus burrowing his face on the side of her neck, breathing her in as he tightened his hold on their waist.

They were tipsy and sentimental. It didn’t mean anything.

He kept repeating these words, over and over like a mantra in hopes he’d come to believe it. That maybe it would come crashing into hope and the stubborn hold of his heart. 

Where had he found the strength to make such a decision? How could be bring himself to leave this . If anyone asked him in that moment, Remus would refuse to move. He’d chose the pain that came with unrequited love and desire in a heartbeat if it meant he got to stay 

The telltale signs of Sirius drifting off came soon, and Remus took a few deep breaths along with her, for different reasons.

He was overwhelmed. Full of love, longing. Full of pain, loss.

Full of Sirius.

Waking up to her humming in the kitchen where all their shared mugs were stored, making dinner as she rambled, teasing her for messing it up because she was too distracted. Having each other to wind down every night, a grounding presence in their safe space. The warm smile, a hero’s welcome after a long day, her frown, her smirk, her jokes and heavenly laugh, even her grumbling. Her scent, every piece of her scattered in every corner, engulfing his life. Socks, hair ties, stolen t-shirts and fleeting touches.

Sirius’ breathing evened out, meaning she had fallen asleep. Remus dared to press his lips on her skin, settling there as exhaustion took the best of him, the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest providing the sweetest lullaby.

He slept. 

---

Remus felt movement against his cheek and hummed in protest. It took a minute for him to register where he was.

He felt sweaty and hot, draped under a blanket and pushed against something hot. A body. A heartbeat. Sirius. He sighed in content.

He slowly blinked, lifting his head to direct his sleepy gaze and hooded lids towards Sirius.  

He watched as they broke into a sleepy grin, sending a surge of warmth in his chest. "Good morning Moons.”

Remus hummed again and let his head fall back down, too comfortable to talk himself out of the haze.

He realised Sirius was still holding him and thought that this is what bliss must feel like. Waking up on a lazy morning, warm rays of sun spilling on the floor through the windows as the person you love holds you. 

Remus was on the edge of falling back asleep when he felt Sirius’ grip around him tighten and their body trying to wiggle to the side.

Sirius.

Holy shit.

"Moony, I need to-”

“Shit.” He hissed, sitting up right as realisation dawned on him belatedly. He rubbed his face with his palms, partly because he wanted to hide from the world (no scratch that, he wanted the world to open up and swallow him whole) and because he needed to wipe sleep off of him as soon as possible. He had hoped to wake up earlier and move to his own bed in hopes of saving them both from the inevitable embarrassment that came with sobriety.

“Shit-sorry..I-I’m sorry, I didn’t-”

“Hey, hey.” Sirius interrupted gently, reaching for his wrists to pry them away from his face, forcing eye-contact on him. Sirius stifled a laugh at Remus’ dejected expression. “It’s fine. I didn’t mean to wake you, I just needed to use the bathroom.”

Upon Siris’ grin Remus' shoulders sagged and he let out a snort. Ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. 

“Right.” He nodded, falling back on the sofa to stretch his limbs as Sirius disappeared down the hall. 

He hated moments like this. The fact that he was running away from the purest source of happiness he’d had his whole life because of course he had to have feelings. Of course he was a coward, of course he wouldn’t say anything and of course he’d be the source of his own misery once again.

He let out an audible groan before shoving his face against a pillow.

“It’s your last day with him. Don’t fucking ruin it-”

“Talking to yourself, Moony?” Sirius’ voice made him jump off the sofa just as Sirius was taking a seat next to where he had been seconds before. "Where are you going?” She frowned, making Remus’ fragile resolve almost crumble to pieces. 

The irony of the question.

“Bathroom.” Remus replied hastily.

Sirius sighed and got up again. "I’ll make breakfast.”

An hour later found them both sitting across each other on the tall stools of the kitchen island having breakfast. They were back to not talking much, although the tension was entirely gone for which Remus was thankful.

It was quiet, just the familiarity that comes with knowing someone for almost your entire life. And Remus was leaving that. 

Wiping the corners of his mouth with a napkin, Remus stood up, Sirius’ eyes falling on him instantly.

“I have some packing left to do.” Remus stated softly and watched as the curiosity in the grey eyes turned into something melancholic.

She didn’t reply, just nodded, eyes falling back on her plate before taking another bite of her pancakes. Remus saw her jaw tightening and decided to take a different approach.

“You could help me?” He suggested quietly, as if luring an aggravated animal.

Anything to prolong their minimal time together.

Sirius seemed to consider it, chewing her food slowly before swallowing and then proceeding to bite her lip in thought. 

She met his eyes, looking a little unsure, and Remus thought it was a good idea to give her an encouraging smile to put her at ease. Please spend time with me, please, say yes, say yes, be with me-

“Okay…yeah.” They agreed, even gifting Remus a small smile of her own.

Remus, for his part, let out a relieved breath before leading them both to his bedroom, most of the boxes on the floor already packed and secured.  

~

Sirius had been very reluctant to enter his bedroom. They looked a bit as if they expected someone to jump out from behind the closet or under the bed and scare them.

Remus had packed most of his clothes and the only things remaining were books and a couple of things he had collected through the years, either gifts from his friends, parents or simply objects that carried memories he held dearest. 

Sirius decided to pack his books so Remus was left with the rest.

He had already found an empty wine bottle courtesy of his eighteenth birthday, a stuffed wolf which was a present from Lily, a sequined cowboy hat that Peter had bought for him from Italy and a photo album from their school days which he didn’t want to look through just now.

Silence settled over them as they worked, words stuck in their throats when either of them tried to make a joke or break the ice. Eventually, Remus heard the bed dipping and turned to see Sirius seated there, staring intently towards his bedside table .He followed her gaze and felt his stomach drop when his eyes fell on the frame Sirius had been staring at.

“I love that picture.” Sirius spoke as she reached for it, placing it on her lap carefully, fingers stroking lightly over the picture.

“Yeah…yeah, me too.” Remus agreed carefully, observing her like a bomb ready to explode.

The picture was one he had spent many hours looking at himself. It had been taken on their first day in the apartment. They were both sitting on the sofa, ,the background filled various labelled boxes, most of them unpacked. Sirius had one arm wrapped around Remus’ shoulders while the other was squishing his cheeks. Remus was side-glancing at her, wearing his characteristic annoyed expression, although the fondness in his eyes always shined through when it came to her. Sirius had her head slightly thrown back, the sequined cowboy hat carefully placed on it, laughing so hard that their eyes appeared to be closed in delight.

The embodiment of happiness.

“Look at you, trying to look all threatening.” She snorted, fingers still hoovering.

Remus couldn’t help but smile at the memory.

“I was so happy to move in with you that day.” They admitted quietly. “Remember? We said we’d all live together. Promised to the Marauders’ honour and all… Then James told us he’d be moving in with Lily, Peter backed off to live with the twins and you almost suggested that maybe we should each find a place for ourselves.” She let out another huff of laughter, dropping the frame on the bed next to her, giving Remus her undivided attention.

“And then I convinced you to go through with it and I thought that a part of me would still be bothered that the others bailed on us. But I actually found that I didn’t care. Crazy, isn’t it? I knew it that first day.”

Remus, sensing the dangerous territories this conversation was approaching, turned back around and kept packing. Maybe they’d stop there. Maybe they’d look at Remus packing, let it go and keep packing themselves. There were quite a few books left behind.

“I thought, ‘I’m gonna live with Moony in our very own flat, how amazing is that? .”

“It was.” Remus nodded, still avoiding eye-contact. He tightened his grip on the tiny box he was holding, which stored all the birthday cards he’d been given throughout the years.

“It is.” Sirius corrected. “You’re so important to me. So good to me that never once did I think it might be more fun if James and Peter were here.”

Remus bit his lip and nodded, not trusting himself to speak with the lump in his throat.

“I had the most fun with you.” She said quietly. Remus internally pleaded her to stop talking. “And I’d take living by myself any day if it meant living with someone who isn’t you.”

Remus almost dropped the box he was holding but tightened his hold on it at the last second. Hearing Sirius say all these things only worked to make everything worse than it already was. He didn’t want to leave and at this point it was all he could think about. He thought he should make it stop, make a joke, bring up a prank from school maybe or just change the subject completely because this was a precarious situation they’ve found themselves in, the heavy feeling in his chest only dragging him further down by the second.

And then, the last straw. “I don’t want you to move out, Remus.”

He left the room in a second, crossing the corridor and reaching the kitchen. He opened the cabinet and poured himself a glass of water, buying himself life, trying to even out his breathing and stabilise his heartbeat. Palms resting on the counter, he tried to remind himself to breathe. Ignore it, ignore it, don’t think about it too much, you’re moving, you’ve made your decision, you can’t-

“Remus.” Sirius’ gentle voice came from somewhere behind him.

Remus hung his head between his shoulders, breathing, breathing, breathing. He was moving and nothing would change that.

With a shaky breath, he grabbed his glass and took a sip, just  as Sirius’ spoke again, ton unbearable soft this time. “Don’t leave.”

 It sounded like a plea, and Remus could do nothing but put the empty glass back on the counter with more force that needed, clench his jaw to keep the tears from coming.

This didn’t mean anything. Sirius couldn’t make his guilt decide for him. He was moving.

“Don’t-”

“Sirius.” Remus gritted out slowly and turned around to see her standing there, worry etched on her face.

“No.” she shook her head, stepping a little closer to where Remus was standing. “Just...don’t move.”

“Sirius, stop.”

“You don’t want to move either!” 

I don’t.

“You don’t. I can see it. I know you. You don’t want to move out but you are and...I don’t know what to do with that, Remus.” She looked so dejected that Remus nearly caved. Nearly.

He took a deep breath, trying desperately to find something to say. Anything.

“Talk to me-”

“Sirius, please. I’m begging you, don’t start now.”

“Tell me why you’re moving.” 

It was a demand, worry shifting into determination and something akin to challenge. 

Remus was losing the plot.

“What?” 

“Go on, then. Tell me your valid reasons.” Her voice had taken an accusing edge and Remus did the only thing he knew when he felt cornered. He snapped. 

“They are valid whether you see it or not.”

“Well, I wouldn’t know since you’re not telling me."

"Just stop." He rubbed his eyes in frustration. This was stupid. They were supposed to be packing. Sirius was supposed to ignore him, stay mad at him until he left. Remus was supposed to wallow in self-misery for the night, maybe even have a good cry. Then he’d wake up, force himself to say goodbye to the only home he’s ever known and try to get over Sirius in a new apartment.
That was what they were supposed to be doing. Not-not this .

"I refuse to believe you just want to live on your own.”

“Drop it.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“Excuse me?” Was this actually happening?

“I’m not dropping anything. God, why are you being so difficult?!” She exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air exasperatedly.

Remus’ mouth dropped open. “I’m the one being difficult?”

“Yes! You’re just standing there, refusing to tell me the reason behind this. You’re lying to yourself Remus! You’re happy here, we’re-”

“Stop it-”

“You don’t want to move.” Sirius pressed.

 Remus felt trapped. Cornered. He raised his voice.

“You have no idea what I want!” 

“Then fucking tell me!”

Remus huffed before striding past her towards his bedroom and deciding that no. Nope. He would not do this. He had to pack because he had a new apartment to be at in less than 24 hours. He wasn’t going to do this now. Nothing good would come out of it, plus it was pointless. If Sirius would just drop it then Remus would calm down and keep doing what he had to do in peace.

“We’re talking.” Sirius complained, following Remus to his room.

“We were.” Remus corrected, bending down to grab a half-empty box. "If you're not helping me pack then maybe you should get out."

He regretted the words just as he said them but he was upset and under immense pressure. Of course it was easy for Sirius to demand reasons and truths. It wouldn’t be her devastating secrets out in the open.

“Remus.” Sirius warned, their tone impatient. Remus didn’t respond, just kept grabbing books to throw into the box.

Sirius, patience running thin, crossed the room in two strides and grabbed his wrist, making Remus turn around to face her. Remus was too slow to stop Sirius from grabbing the box in his hands and throwing it towards the bed. 

“What the fuck?!”

“Tell me why you’re leaving.” He demanded. Her eyes had turned into a stormy grey and Remus knew they were in for a fight he refused to have.

“Sirius, drop it already!” His eyes were tearing up now, making him feel so stupid for his vulnerability but at the same time having no intention to hide it.

“Why are you being like this? What are you so afraid of?”

Losing you, you fucking wanker.

Remus just stared at him furiously, his jaw clenching.

Sirius had it easy, didn’t they? They’d lose a roommate. They wouldn’t even lose a friend because they should know that Remus would never leave Sirius’ life. But that was it. They’d sulk for a couple day and they’d eventually get over it. They’d even decide that they could do with a new roommate and find someone else to fill the void in his room. And what would Remus do?

He’d live in a flat he didn’t want, all alone, heart broken into a million little pieces because it would be impossible to come out unscathed from trying to get over Sirius Black. Sirius who was everything good, and stubborn and bright and passionate, all Remus needed and everything he ever wanted. Or he could just say what he had to say, and go through all that with the added heartbreak that came with your friend’s rejection and possible freak out.

For all her beauty, all her gentleness and care, Sirius could be so reckless about things she was passionate about. He understood that all she wanted was for Remus to be okay, but couldn’t she see that this was doing the exact opposite to him?

It was ruining him 

“You don’t want this, Remus.” They shook their head and took a step closer. “You’re pulling yourself away-”

“Shut up.” Remus pleaded, voice breaking and desperate.

“Fine. Fine, don’t tell me why you’re leaving.” She gave in irritably. “Just- answer me this. What do you want?”

“What?” 

“What do you want, Remus?”

“Sirius, what are you-”

“Tell me! Tell me ‘I want to leave’. Tell me ‘I want to stay’. Tell me what you really fucking want Remus, because we can’t go on like th-” 

“You.” Remus stated coldly, feeling tears rolling down his cheeks.

Sirius wanted an answer, didn’t she? He’d gladly give them an answer.

“What?” Sirius spat, too caught up in the momentum to hear what Remus was saying.

That was okay. He could elaborate.

“It’s you.” He smiled, an emotionless smile that felt like a grimace on his tear stricken face. “You wanted your answers didn’t you? It’s you. I want you and I can’t take it anymore.”

Sirius shook his head a little disbelievingly, as if trying to clear a fog obscuring them from what Remus was saying, his frown deepening.

“I can’t keep doing it, Sirius! You’re just-you’re you and I can’t bear it anymore.” He wiped away the tears furiously with the sleeve of his jumper. The fabric scratched roughly at his skin but it was a welcome contrast to the numb feeling spreading in his chest.

“Wh-Remus, what? I don’t-”

“You’re always there! You hold me and you take care of me, you cook breakfast and you laugh and you keep nagging me about watching The Great British Bake Off even though you never remember the names and you always end up falling asleep halfway through the episodes! I can’t stand it anymore-” He was briefly interrupted by a heaving sob, crying openly now. “I can’t live with you anymore because I can’t be with you.”

“What are you talking about?” It came out as a whisper, her eyes searching his face manically, trying to understand, put the pieces together.

Was it that unfathomable?

“I love you, Sirius.” He finally said, sniffing and wiping tears over and over. “I’m completely in love with you.”

Sirius took a step back, as if they’d been punched. Remus wanted to crawl into a hole.

“This is not funny.” They were frozen to the spot, looking at Remus as if he was crazy.

“Of course it’s not funny, you wanker! I’ve been in love with you for years.” The revelation put an even heavier burden on his chest instead of lifting it off, his sobs making it harder to breathe properly.

What a mess. 

“Please, stop crying-”

“You’re there, you’re always there Sirius.” A chuckle escaped his lips but it fell flat. It was full of pain. “You’re always there and you’re so- God, you’re wonderful and I can’t keep shying away from you or-or keep telling myself over and over that nothing you do means anything. I can’t keep hoping just to kick myself down every time because it-it’s exhausting and it hurts me and I-I-I don’t want to hurt anymore, Sirius. I can’t stand wanting you and only having parts of you.” He took a few steadying breaths, placing a palm above his heart to calm himself down.

“You wanted a reason, didn’t you?” He sniffed, giving their chest a light push to shake him out of their stupor “You have the reason, Sirius. What are you going to do with it?”

Sirius just stood there, frozen, opening and closing her mouth a few times.

Remus waited for something, anything, looking at her expectantly.

“You love me?” She echoed, voice so small.

He let out a breathy, disbelieving laugh, wiping away the remnants of his tears as he sunk back on the bed.  

Sirius was just staring at the floor, making Remus’ adrenaline subside and leaving him empty, with nothing but his revelation hanging in the air between them. Mocking him.
 

He tried to calm himself down and subside his shaking by tugging on his curls but to no avail. The embarrassment of what had just transpired brought a new wave of tears to his eyes. He had ruined everything.

“Remus, please stop crying..”

He lifted his teary gaze to meet Sirius’, a cloudy grey full of anguish.

“Say something.” Remus requested quietly, needing to have some perspective. Something to hold on to as his mind spiralled.

He watched, with bated breath and a thread of hope. He watched Sirius look away from him.

He watched as he confirmed his worst fears by breaking his heart per her own demand.

“This,” he stood up and gestured at her, “is exactly why I never wanted to say anything.”

Sirius turned to him, a devastated look appearing in his eyes. “I never meant to pressure you. Remus, I…”

“Well, that’s not the thing now, is it?” He smiled, suddenly feeling like he couldn’t breathe.

He needed to get out. He needed to calm down, clear his head and get some fresh air before discussing what had just happened. Before spending another second suffocating himself in agony.

He wiped away his tears before standing up and walking past Sirius towards the front door. He was only a step or two away when Sirius moved right behind him. 

“Where are you going?” She sounded distressed, following Remus in urgency, trying to get in his line of sight.

“Out. I need some air.” He crossed the corridor moving towards the coat rack to grab his jacket.

Did he even need one?

“Remus, no-” She grabbed his hand to prevent him from reaching the door, making Remus’ skin burn and his breath hitch.

“Sirius, let me go.” He was crying again, begging her silently. He couldn’t spend another minute there. His heart was pounding and he felt like throwing up. He desperately needed air.

“No, Remus please, let’s talk.” She tried to get him to look at her, voice breaking. Remus barely noticed the humidity in the grey eyes, too focused on looking away, trying to free himself of her grip. Trying to get out.

“Let me go, Sirius.”

“Moony, don’t leave.” Sirius pulled him closer to her insistently, her voice breaking, breaking Remus’ resolve too. Breaking his heart all over again.

“I need to leave-”

“Please.” She cried out, making Remus melt.

“I need some air-”

“I need you.” Sirius croaked, and that’s the last thing they said before pulling Remus against her, crashing their lips together.

Remus’ short circuited for a second before his brain caught up to what was happening. Once he registered soft lips moving against his, his breath caught. It was the painful whine from Sirius’ lips that woke him up, springing into action and kissing her back with equal fervour. 

Her hands cupped his cheeks, ever so gently, as if holding something precious, and what else was there to do rather than kiss her back?

As he backed Sirius to the front door, his hands snaked around her waist and under her shirt, pulling her closer, holding her tight in fear of losing her. Lest she disappears or he wakes up to realise this was all a horrible nightmare ending in a dream. He relished in the feeling of Sirius’ body against his, the warmth her body radiated, enveloping her completely as Sirius’ tongue slipped in his mouth. He could feel the salty taste of tears in their kiss but it didn’t matter because Sirius was kissing him with so much love that Remus felt like he was going to combust.

Sirius was the first to pull back, pulling a sigh from Remus’ lips with her. Remus looked at her through hooded eyelids, panting softly in the air between them and barely keeping himself from leaning in again.

“Could’ve saved us all this wasted time” She whispered, using her thumbs to wipe away the tears staining his cheeks. Remus sighed, the softness and intimacy of her touch foreign to him. He closed his eyes and let his forehead rest against hers as Sirius continued her soft caresses, treating Remus like he was something priceless. 

“You’re everything to me, Remus.” The whispered confession brought tears to Remus’ eyes once again. He was overwhelmed by words he had so often dreamed of being uttered to him, but ever expecting he’d actually be on the receiving end of. 

“I love you.” Sirius finally said, simply, finally. She leaned in, peppering featherlight kisses all over Remus’ face. From his forehead, his eyebrows, under both eyes where tears fell, to the slope of his nose, his cheeks and under his jaw before finally reaching his lips.

Remus breathed her in, let his body relax under her touch, the fingers now running through the curls he had, so carelessly, tugged before. 

“Sirius.” He sighed, like a prayer.

“I love you, Remus.” She repeated. “Look at me.”

Remus slowly opened his eyes to find Sirius looking at him with such fondness, so much unrestricted love. “I have loved you since we were seventeen.”

Remus shook his head, both in disbelief and denial. “And you never said anything.”

“Neither did you.” Sirius smiled, wrapping her arms around his neck and resting her head on Remus' shoulder. 

Remus moved one hand and buried it in Sirius’ hair, stroking slowly.

“I don’t treat anyone else the way I treat you, Remus.” Sirius murmured, placing a series of soft kisses across his collarbone. “You were supposed to be the smart one.”

 Remus chuckled, feeling the weight on his chest evaporate.

“I thought it was wishful thinking on my end.”

“And on mine?” She pulled back a bit, watching him with mild amusement.

“Just friendship.”

“If me not being able to keep my hands to myself and wanting you in my bed every night is friendship, then sure. Best friends forever.” She mocked with a good natured eye roll, making both of them descend into giggles.

 “I love you.” He said again, sobered up no and with considerably less fervour than the first time.

Sirius nodded against him. She proceeded to kiss all the way from his collarbones to his neck before Remus decided he’d had enough and pulled her up to meet her lips with his.

They stumbled across the apartment, bursting into laughter amidst kissing until they reached Remus’ room. Soft kisses turned into needy touches, confessions turning more desperate and raw with each piece of clothing meeting the carpet.

Soon it was just the two of them, met in the middle in what could only be described as a divine feeling, feeling nothing but their love connecting them, eyes never leaving each other’s save for the moments pleasure overtook them.

Sirius calls out his name, and Remus transcends.

It was much later, once their panting had calmed down and their hearts were back to normal that Sirius rolled over, draping themselves across Remus’ body.

“Hi.” Remus smiled.

“Hey.” Sirius grinned, placing mending kisses on the parts of Remus’ cheeks where violet was blooming.

“I don’t want to move.” Remus admitted quietly, drawing invisible shapes across Sirius’ back.

Sirius lifted her head from her gentle attack on Remus’ skin above where his heart rested and spoke solemnly. “You’re not going anywhere.” 

“I’m not going anywhere.” Remus agreed, both of them breaking into identical smiles. With a sigh oh content, Sirius rested her head on Remus’ chest, his fingers running through her hair working wonders to ground her, lull her to sleep.

Remus thought she had fallen asleep when she spoke again a while later, voice drowsy and quiet.

“Remus, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.” He prodded gently, placing a kiss on top of her head. “Can I see you?”

Sirius turned her head so it was her chin resting on Remus’ skin, her face inches away from his.

“Why did you want to leave-”

“I never wanted to leave.”

“No, I know, I know. It’s just… you chose to leave instead of telling me.” Sirius concluded with a tilt of her head. Remus used his thumb to smooth out the frown on her face.

“You have to believe me when I tell you that if I thought, even for a second, that you might return my feelings I would’ve never gone through with it.”

“I hate when you do that.” Sirius shook their head disapprovingly.

“What?” Remus huffed out a laugh, palm still running all over their body, tracing shapes, scars, moles, love marks. 

“That. Was it so hard for you to believe that I might love you just the same way you love me?”

Remus hesitated for a bit. He didn’t want to lie but he also didn’t want to admit that it was, in fact, unfathomable. His hesitation apparently said it all.

“Well, I’ll keep reminding you in case you choose to forget.” She said decisively, sealing the promise with a kiss.

Remus pulled her closer, not allowing her to pull back immediately, and his heart did somersaults when he felt her melting into the kiss. He’d never tire of this, just like he’d never forget the fact that Sirius was in love with him. Although he wasn’t about to protest against Sirius reminding him on a regular basis.

“It was tearing me apart. Not being able to be with you the way I needed to.” He said quietly once he’d pulled back from the kiss. 

Sirius’ expression melted into one of sadness, and Remus tried to kiss the complaint off her face.

“I was dying to kiss you.”

“Now you can.” Sirius whispered with a grin, Remus unable to hold back his own grin.

“Now I can.” He agreed. She ran her fingers through his hair, pushing it away from his face as they leaned in to place a kiss on his cheek.

“I think that’s why I didn’t get it. For me it was impossible to choose living without you, even if it meant always having to maintain a distance that was deemed acceptable by the rules of friendship.”

“I didn’t want to leave-”

“I know.” She interrupted him with another brief kiss that left him wanting more. “I know. I’m just saying. I’m sorry I put so much pressure on you.”

“I’m sorry I chose to leave over talking to you.”

“Mmm, forgiven.” Sirius mumbled leaning in for a kiss. 

Remus found the perfect timing to pinch her waist softly, which resulted in Sirius letting out a delighter squeal that had Remus burst into laughter.

“I take it back. I hate you, that’s it-” She started to move off of him, Remus finding the perfect momentum to flip them around, Sirius ending up on her back, hair sprawled around her like a halo as he looked at him with a surprised grin, and Remus above her, looking at her as if she was one of the seven wonders of the world. He supposed she could be.

“So, in hindsight, neither of us confessed because we were afraid the other would freak out.” Sirius observed, wrapping her arms around Remus’ neck to pull him closer.

“I suppose so, yes.”

“A pair of idiots, that’s what we are.” 

“Mmm.” Remus agreed, before ducking to tuck his face in Sirius’ hair.

“You need to unpack.” Sirius reminded him.

“That I do.” Remus said with a groan, letting his head fall on the pillow next to Sirius, Sirius’ laughter filling up the room.

“Hey.” Sirius poked at his sides, groaning in acknowledgement from his hiding place. “You’re not leaving.”

Remus turned on his side so he could face her better, the apprehension in her voice making something in his stomach twist. 

He draped one arm across her waist to pull her close to him, and it was with a kiss upon her shoulder that he confirmed; “I’m not going anywhere, my love.”

Remus will have to call her landlady to let her know that no, actually, he will not be needing that apartment anymore.

But that’s not important.

What is important is that Sirius is laughing at Remus' silly comments on the latest GBBO episode. It's her laughter that matters, along with the adorbale way her nose is scrunched. It's her in Remus' most comfortable pyjamas, with her feet resting on his lap.

She's all that matters.

Her incandescent glow.

His best friend, the brightest star.

The love of his life.

"My house of stone, your ivy grows

and now I'm covered in you."