Chapter 1
James would never forget. He would never forgive. James wanted revenge. And he was going to get it.
~~~
The knock came around midnight.
“Moony and padfoot are here, Harry!” James said to him, grinning.
That was before he’d looked out the window.
Things were hazy after that.
He remembered getting up.
Shoving Harry into Lilys arms and telling her to run, telling her he’d hold him off.
How wrong James was.
He told them he loved them, loved them so much. At least he’d done that.
He remembered running to the door.
He remembered opening it.
He remembered the moment he raised his arm, he remembered the moment he realised who had betrayed them.
He’d never forget that.
He’d make him pay.
He remembered the moment his wand wasn’t in his hand.
He remembered the moment he regretted most for the rest of his life.
Forgetting his wand on the couch.
He remembered the body bind curse that had him immobile on the floor.
He remembered the cloak of The Dark Lord brushing over his face as he walked past.
He remembered the mocking whisper that was sent his way.
“Coward. To think you could hide from me.“
He remembered hearing Lilys pleas. Her screams. Harry crying. That was the last time he heard their voices.
He remembered the explosion that tore through the house, James being helpless to do anything to stop it.
Then he remembered nothing.
James woke up cold. He woke up with adrenaline. He woke up remembering everything.
Most people take a few moments to take in their surroundings and a few more to remember what had happened before they went to sleep.
James always woke up alert. It was what made him so good at getting to early quidditch practices.
When James opened his eyes, Sirius sat beside him, his eyes rimmed red.
When he saw his best friend finally awake, Sirius threw his arms around him, hugging him tightly and sobbing into his shoulder.
“L-lily and- and Harry. They’re.. th-they’re-“
“I know,” James said, feeling numb. “I know. “
Distantly he realised the roles should’ve been reversed, it should’ve been him crying into Sirius’ shoulder, but it wasn’t. James didn’t seem to feel anything.
He knew it would hit him later. The shock would set in, and the floodgates would open, and he would break and break and break. His heart would be torn out of his chest, thrust back in, only to be shattered again. And again. And again.
Lily was dead. The love of his life, his Lily. His wife, his whole world.
Harry was dead. His son, his whole world.
Now they were both gone, what was James to do? The earth had been pulled from his feet, leaving him floating aimlessly in space.
But James knew he couldn’t let the dam burst. He couldnt break, he couldn’t shatter he couldn’t be as useless as he was last night.
He pushed Sirius away and the other stared at him, grief and worry and misery and fear and concern and confusion etched into his face.
James wasn’t going to break. James wasn’t going to shatter. James kept his face blank of any emotion.
He gripped Sirius by the shoulders, because now he knew, staring into those stormy grey eyes, clouded with the rain of his sadness.
“It was Peter. "
It was like Sirius had changed into a new person.
“It was Peter. “
It was like the Black madness had finally manifested in him.
“It was Peter.”
It was like the two of them had communicated a whole universe in the space of those three words.
They understood each other. They knew what had to be done now.
Lily was dead.
Harry was dead.
James wasn’t floating aimlessly anymore. He had a plan. He had a purpose.
Sirius’ features hardened into anger. His jaw clenched. His hands balled into fists.
“It was Peter. “
~~~
“Dumbledore may have withdrawn his helping hand from you, but I extend mine so you may see our side.”
Their side. Regulus’ and Remus’, known as the deserters since they both left their opposite sides and joined forces. No one knew what they’d been doing and James hadn’t been in contact with Remus since him and Sirius broke up.
James and Regulus shook hands, well with the remaining hand Regulus had left after he’d chopped it off to get rid of the dark mark..but that’s a story James didn’t know completely and frankly didn’t want to know.
The four of them sat around the dining table of Sirius’ new flat.
James and Sirius had gone to them, after their attempts at finding Peter themselves didn’t work, even with the ministry on their side.
“Let’s get this straight.” Regulus says. “Are you here to defeat The Dark Lord or are you here to find Pettigrew?”
Sirius and James exchange a look, hesitating.
“If you’re here for the latter, we can’t help you, but for the former, and we can kill two birds with one stone.” Remus adds.
Sirius can’t even recognise the man sitting before him.
Remus has changed- so much, since Sirius last saw him, it’s like he was a copy of Regulus now. Cold, unfeeling.
Even James was like that now, it was like Sirius was sitting in a room with robots.
They had to fix this. And quickly.
“I want to get rid of Voldemort as much as you do, maybe even more. I want to kill them both.”
Remus and regulus nod, seemingly satisfied with that answer.
~~~
“We know the locations and how to destroy them.”Regulus concludes.
“So?! Tell us where the horcruxes are then.”
Regulus shoots him a withering look. “You don’t get to come here and make demands, Potter. We’ve spent months gathering this information, we’ll share it when we see fit. We’re not going to compromise this, just because you’re angry.”
James stands abruptly, storming round the table and raising his wand. He grabs regulus by the collar and shoves him against the wall, pointing his wand at his neck..just like he should’ve done with Voldemort..if only he hadn’t forgotten his wand on the couch.
“In the space of one night, I’ve lost everything. Everything. I want revenge and I will get it, Black, if it’s the last thing I do.”
Regulus exhales, unafraid, his warm breath tickling James’ face.
He raises his own wand and points it right back at James’ chest.
He laughs.
“You think I don’t know how you feel? You think I don’t understand your rage? You think I’m not the physical embodiment of your emotions right now and the only way you’re going to avenge them? Back. Down. Potter.”
The anger seeps out of him, and the numbness cracks, and James feels a little sorrow emerge from inside him-no
James wouldn’t break. James wouldn’t shatter.
He shoves the feelings away and storms away, because Regulus is right, of course he is.
~~~
They enter the cave two days later.
Remus and Regulus had scouted the area before and seemed to know exactly what to do.
When Sirius had stumbled, his hand getting cut on a rock, Remus hadn’t done anything and that broke Sirius’ heart even more.
The fact that Remus no longer loved him like he used to, no longer cared about him. Sirius knew it was his own fault for thinking Remus was the spy in the first place.
Sirius could fix this. He could. He would tell Remus how much he still loved him, would get down and beg for forgiveness, because without Remus, Sirius was nothing. He needed Remus like oxygen, and in the past few weeks he’d been slowly dying without him.
Remus had forgiven him after The Prank, surely he could forgive him now?
Sirius hoped.
When Remus approached him as they entered the cave, Sirius hopes soared, until Remus merely guided Sirius’ bleeding hand to the wall, wiping it on there. The wall slowly swung open.
Sirius’ hand wasn’t the only thing bleeding anymore. His heart was too, more and more as his hopes crashed to the ground.
He took a deep breath. There were more pressing concerns at this moment, him and Remus would talk it out as soon as they left the cave.
If only he told him now.
Regulus found the boat in fairly quick time and the four of them awkwardly squished in, none of them saying a word.
It was eerily quiet down there, not even the waves lapping on the ground making any noise.
Sirius almost called it peaceful until he looked down.
Bodies, hundreds of them, stared right back at them, staring aimlessly.
Sirius looked away, feeling nauseas.
“Don’t touch the water. “ he warned.
The boat stopped at the island in the middle of the underground later and the four got out wearily.
At the centre was a basin, filled with a shimmering liquid and inside was The Locket.
“Fuck, yes.” Regulus muttered and reached down to pick it up.
On touching the liquid, he immediately pulls back, hissing as the liquid steams and burns his hand.
That’s when he notices the goblet beside it.
“We have to drink it all.” James states, eyeing the basin.
They all stare at it for a few moments before, Remus’ features harden.
“I’ll do it.” He says and grabs the goblet, scoops up some of the liquid and downs it in one.
They wait a few seconds..nothing happens.
Remus shrugs and does it again. And again. And again.
Then his knees buckle. The goblet drops from his hand and he curls into himself.
Sirius and Regulus kneel beside him, and James picks up the goblet.
He scoops up more liquid and brings it nearer to Remus.
Sirius shoots him a glare, but James only replies with: “it’s the only way.”
He pours the liquid into Remus’ mouth, again and again and again, as the brothers hold him down, even as Remus scream and pleads with them to kill him already.
James is terrified that he’s actually doing what Remus’ crazed mind wants him to do, slowly killing him with every cup he forces down Remus’ throat.
“One more,” he mumbles. “Last one, moony, it’s going to be okay.”
Except it’s not, because Remus’ form goes limp, collapsing to the side as Sirius rushes towards him.
“Fuck! Remus-Remus-Remus- Remus, please, please, please, Remus!” Sirius yells, desperately, shaking him.
Regulus grabs the cup from James’ frozen hand, leaving his wand on the floor and moves towards the shore.
James can’t move, he can’t speak, he can’t lose someone else, he can’t lose anything else after he’s just lost his family.
He can’t be the one responsible for this again, first he forgot his wand, now he poisoned his friend-no, no, no, no, no-
Regulus kneels down at the waters edge, scooping the water into the goblet before turning to rush back to them.
Somebody grabs his arm, something- because James is still standing over there, beside Remus and Sirius so who would-
The thing yanks his arm back hard, it’s claws digging into his skin, as his shoulder dislocates, the goblet, clattering to the stone floor.
“James!” he cries because there’s nothing he can do, he left his wand by the basin- all he can do is struggles as more cold, rotting arms, grab him, start to pull him under.
James unfreezes when he hears the cry. He looks up, seeing the zombie- like humans surrounding them- and then Regulus, who’s being dragged down into the dark depths, because he left his wand- just like James did, that night.
Regulus and James had never really interacted before, could James just leave him there- it wasn’t his fault Regulus left his wand- he didn’t need to save him- Regulus wasn’t completely trustworthy, what if James saved him only to be stabbed in the back again?
But James remembers the crush he used to have on Regulus, back in fourth year, that faded out.
And Sirius’ cries bring him back to reality, and he jarringly realises that this is Sirius’ brother, who he just got back, James can’t do that to Sirius, Sirius would hate him.
So James pulls his wand out, unlike how he forgot it that night, and rushes towards Regulus and everything is a bit of a blur after that- a whirlwind of flames and fighting and crying and shouting and running and water and-
And then they’re out.
The four of them standing at the shore of the cave, panting, soaking wet.
James doesn’t know when remus gained enough strength to stand, but he’s glad that he has.
He’s glad they’re all alive- he’s glad that he didn’t lose anyone else.
The journey back is in complete silence, James clutching the horcrux in his fingers.
——————————————————————
James found the plans.
He searched the whole flat, and found them in a diary in Regulus’ bedside drawer.
He read through them all in one night, planning out how he’d- no they’d- find and destroy the rest.
He kept the locket round his neck, not wanting to give it up, not wanting to lose it, keeping it with him like it was his lifeline.
“You went through my stuff.” regulus whispers to him a few nights later as they sit on the sofa, late at night, Sirius and Remus already asleep.
No one had really raised their voice after that night, everyone was silent, and as James went about the flat, it seems like he was the one only making noise usually.
“I had to.” he says back, watching Regulus for any signs of displeasure.
The light of the crescent moon, casts Regulus in an ethereal light, his eyes glittering, his hair shining.
He was always beautiful, James just never had the chance to admire it.
But James is mourning, so he thinks he only wants regulus around as to not feel so lonely after everything he’s lost.
Because James won’t shatter. James won’t break.
As James looks at him, Regulus stares right back, his face unreadable, before getting up and leaving.
James stares at the place he once was, no Indent or crease to prove he was there, like he never existed on the sofa in that moment.
——————————————————————
James stares at The Daily Prophet, his- no their plans of breaking into Gringotts, gone, since someone has beaten him- no them to it.
Lestrange Vault broken into and ransacked- was the headline.
Straight under it was the article on Death Eater attacks increasing and becoming more brutal- because whatever was stolen was important to Voldemort.
James has two things with him now both beginning with H
A horcrux- the locket
And Hope- because there is someone else out there, someone else who is also on his- no their side, and James doesn’t have to do it alone…not alone, he has Regulus- and Sirius- and Remus.
But now there is someone else.
Someone who in the next week, raids Malfoy Manor and the next horcrux is taken before James can get to it.
He feels disappointed but also relief that someone else is doing the dirty work for him- no them. For them.
Regulus doesn’t return at night to the sofa, and James barely sees remus and Sirius in the flat, except through passing glimpses.
He’s lonely. So lonely. And he’s grieving and lonely and he just wants it all to stop.
Lily is dead.
Harry is dead.
The only thing James had to live for was revenge- wait no- Sirius and Remus and even Regulus too, he could live for them…
James couldn’t shatter, James couldn’t break. But he needed a break.
That’s what he blamed his actions on the next night, cornering regulus and pressing him against a wall.
“Please..” he whispers, because everything in this flat has been done in whispers ever since the first mission. His life has never been so quiet.
His mind his loud however, thoughts and emotions swirling round in chaos, grief and anger and despair and loneliness and guilt all trapped inside him and he feels like he’s going to explode.
But James wont shatter, James wont break.
Regulus’ breath is cold on his face, and it bothers James, but he doesn’t care that much- he just needs a distraction from all the pain, from all the grief, before he shatters.
But Regulus just shakes his head and James backs up- and is he going crazy or did Regulus look sad about it?
Sad about not hooking up with James, because if he wanted to, he should, because James wants to, but does he really, or is that just the loneliness talking..
——————————————————————
He- no they Apparate to Hogwarts the next day- well Hogsmeade, and then sneak into Hogwarts under James’ invisibility cloak.
The paper in Regulus’ diary, had it all planned out, where everything was, so he- no they- all immediately go the Room of Requirment.
James distantly wonders how Regulus knew-no knows all of this, but he throws that thought away, because there’s no point pondering it when he can just ask him- later.
Hogwarts is empty, the school having been evacuated at the start of the war.
He- no they, find the diadem easily, but the diary is lost amongst the debris of the room, as they spend hours searching for it.
James climbs the towers of items, searching, as the others spread out around him doing the same.
Regulus is a few metres under him, searching the middle of the tower as James heads straight to the top.
He leans forwards looking around and tilts too far out, wobbling precariously.
He grabs hold and manages not to fall, but the same can’t be said for regulus’ diary which drops to the floor, right past regulus who watches it plummet, not doing anything to save it.
James slides down, Regulus doing the same and luckily he finds it easily.
“Why didn’t you grab it?” He says, but the question is forgotten when he notices the front of the diary.
Tom. Marvolo. Riddle.
The diary had been with him the whole time. Fuck.
James picks it up, calling to Remus and Sirius and the four of them leave, heading up to Dumbledores office.
Hogwarts is a place that should be inhabited and the emptiness of it makes James on edge.
The sword is in his office, and James wonders why Dumbledore would just leave it there. It seemed irresponsible.
They head to the courtyard, James laying the horcruxes out in a row and raises the sword, intending to destroy them one by one.
He wonders if the others want to destroy them themselves, but James feels he should do it, he should be the one to destroy Voldemort after so much was taken from him.
After how Voldemort destroyed him.
Then he- no they would go after Peter.
He stabs most of them all without issue.
Ungodly, horrifying screams are emitted from them, which James ignores.
When he gets to the locket, however, it brings out illusions, of Sirius, Remus even Regulus, but James pays no attention to them, since the three of them are standing next to him, so he knows the illusion isn’t real.
When Lily appears, James stabs it before he hears her voice, not wanting to taint his memories of her.
He’s still holding the sword, staring at the broken horcruxes wondering what do next when a crack is heard behind him.
He turns slowly and right there, right fucking there, is Lord Voldemort, looking rightfully pissed, his wand raised, Nagini by his side.
James doesn’t give him the chance to cast any spell, he lunges for the snake, slicing through its head, with the sword and Voldemort screams, his voice echoing in the silent courtyard just like his horcruxes had.
James pulls out his wand, feeling proud he hadn’t forgotten it again, and pours all of his rage, all his, grief, everything into the spell.
“Avadakadavra.” He shouts and the world explodes.
James is thrown back, Voldemort is thrown back, rubble flies everywhere and he bangs his head on a rock.
Blearily, he sits up, looking around. Remus and Sirius and even Regulus are standing around him, but they were flickering, James’ vision going wobbly.
Voldemorts form moving, grabs James’ attention because how is he alive? They- he- they- he destroyed all of them, he should be dead.
“Do something!!” He yells to the other three because he’s been carrying the mission this whole time.
They’ve been useless.
He’s had to do everything.
But Sirius walks towards him as Remus and Regulus’ forms fade, and he kneels beside James as Voldemort stirs.
“We can’t.” he whispers.
“We never made it out.” Regulus’ voice says.
“You thought you could save us all… you didn’t, James.” Remus says.
“We died.” the voices blend into one and disappear into James’ head and James breaks. He shatters.
Because-
Because-
Regulus got pulled in- James was too late to pull him out.
Remus was poisoned- he died in Sirius’ arms.
Sirius didn’t even fight back when the creatures took him.
James escaped. Alone.
“You’re not real.” he whispers, because that’s all he can do.
“You never have been..”
For the first time since that night, James cries.
They’re dead- and James couldn’t deal with it- so he- he- thought they were alive-
James found the plans himself.
James barely saw them around the flat.
They never left any indication they were there at all.
Regulus never grabbed the diary when it fell. He couldn’t. He was dead.
That’s why he couldn’t hook up with James. Because he wasn’t real.
James had gone mad with grief.
His whole world had collapsed and he couldn’t deal with it. How could anyone deal with it after going through so much?
Lily.
Harry.
Remus.
Sirius.
Regulus.
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
Oh.
Oh.
How much of this had been real?
Was James on the brink of death himself?
Was he even alive?
That’s why he doesn’t see Voldemort get up.
That’s why he doesn’t see Voldemort reach for his wand again.
That’s why he doesn’t see Voldemort raise it.
He doesn’t see the flash of light coming towards him.
He doesn’t see the other figure running towards him.
He doesn’t see the figure jump in front of him just in time.
But He sees the figure crumple before him, dead, both James and Voldemort staring at it in shock.
Oh.
What. The. Fuck.
This was who’d been helping him this whole time.
James was definitely dead- or it was another hallucination..
How?
What?
The person was-