The thoughts running through his brain destroyed James.
No one loved as much as James did. No one cared as much as James did.
Always the helper but never the person getting help
Always the problem, never the solution
Always cares for others but never cares for himself
Always giving so much but never receiving anything back
Always loving but never loved
Always showing happiness and never being able to show sadness
Always annoying, never funny
Always saving others, never saving himself
Always proud of others, never making others proud
Always weird, never interesting
Always too much yet never enough
Always understanding but never understood
Always important, never important enough
They say:
“Stop pretending to have anxiety, you weren’t being nice enough, you aren’t doing enough, you’re being too sensitive, doing that makes you less attractive, stop biting your nails, you are selfish, just do this for me, you are really eating all of that food? You aren’t even good-looking, you aren’t needed here”
No one believes that the supposed sunshine boy has problems too.
Looking down at his plate after someone comments on the amount of food on his plate, wondering if he actually needs to eat that much. Wondering if he’s gotten fat, and that's why no one likes him. Maybe if he was skinnier, someone would love him. He stops eating full meals, only picking at his food. He grows hungry and more desperate for someone to love him.
He will make one snarky comment in class, and everyone stares at him like he’s grown two heads. He shrinks back into himself. ‘This is why no one loves you.’ He feels rude and vows to say only nice things from now on. Maybe then someone will love him.
He spends an hour looking at himself in the mirror at night. Poking and prodding at himself. Wondering if he is pretty enough. If he is hot enough. If he is sexy enough. If he is cute enough. If he is enough for anyone to love. All he can see is a lonely boy who desires love so badly.
He looks at himself in the morning, eyes puffy and tear tracks marking his cheeks. He knows that this reflection isn’t loveable. He tries so hard to fix himself into someone that someone can love. Maybe today, someone will look at him and realize he is enough. That he is worthy of their love.
He cries in an alcove after being yelled at by a professor. He’s sensitive, but no one wants someone who cries after being scolded in class. His tears dry on his face when he realizes how pathetic he looks and how weak he is. No one would want someone this weak. He vows to be stronger.
His anxiety is bad; he is always tapping his leg, always picking at his fingers, and always on edge. All for seemingly no reason. No one would want someone who is this uptight. He tries to seem relaxed, but it’s hard to relax when you are constantly looking for approval.
People like him, but no one loves him.
He wants to be loved so badly, and he will change every part of himself to get it.