“Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
Remus buried himself under the blanket once more and turned his back to the other bed, facing the wall. What was left to say, anyway?
A baby was just born. Remus had never been around people who had new babies, this was the most exciting thing he could dream of. He had only seen stranger’s newborns, or in movies, of course. He tried to imagine how to handle a little baby, let alone a premature and smaller one. Especially Harry. That was the cutest baby he had ever seen with his tiny nose and generally tiny face, the brown locks in his hair.
Well, that was something he wasn’t gonna experience, apparently. One more thing missing from this life.
He could bet that Sirius would love him more than his own life. A godfather, he thought, a parent, a godparent, it was impossible to imagine being that involved with a newborn’s life. But wasn’t it exciting? Wasn’t it something full of love?
This immense love for a complete stranger’s baby, well, not a complete stranger, James whom he got to know for two days, was a new feeling for him. Sometimes the descriptions of love he read in books came close to it, but this was a different subject after all.
Makes you wonder what your mum must have felt to leave.
He felt his nose starting to run, so he sniffled, only to taste the iron in the back of his tongue. Getting nosebleeds wasn’t uncommon for him, he got on his back not to get blood on the pillow. He reached for the railing on the bed and got himself off the bed, dragging his feet to the bathroom.
With the gravity, the blood started flowing back into his nasal cavity and made him gag, he blindly reached for the light switch and went inside. The blood was not dripping, it was properly flowing down in a trail to his philtrum and down his mouth. He leaned over to the sink and spit, but the taste got stronger.
He was never good with blood.
He scrambled down to his knees and leaned over the toilet bowl and started gagging, he could feel his stomach spasming but nothing was coming out. Not surprising, considering that ninety percent of his body’s nutrition came from a little tube entering his veins.
The saliva mixed with blood dripped down his mouth as he gagged, he needed to get it all out so he forced himself until he felt bile coming up.
Forcing himself made his chest tighten and as expected from someone with tennis ball sized tumours in his lungs, he started coughing and gasping. He put his hand over his mouth so it didn’t make much noise, he wasn’t alone in his room anymore and god knows he did not want to wake and worry Sirius, nor give him a reason to pity.
He never timed it, but he felt as if these got longer everyday. Would it be so shocking, though?
He could remember feeling tears in his eyes, the fits subsided as he stayed on the cold bathroom floor. The cough and the blood made him dizzy, let alone the increased pressure in his brain when he forced himself to throw up, but hospital bathrooms had this cool feature of having bars for patients to hold.
He raised himself up, a stabbing pain in his chest and a fist clenching around his heart made him gasp for air. The pain was always there, but most of the time Remus was on painkillers and he had learned to ignore the remnants. They didn’t give him painkillers that lasted until almost five in the morning, though, so Remus could feel it spreading in his chest.
Holding the bars, he made his way to his bed and practically collapsed. His hands were shaking as he pulled the blanket over him again, trying to be as quiet as possible.
“Sirius,” he whispered, to see if he heard the vomits.
No response.
“Sirius,” he said in a quiet voice above a whisper again, which was left responseless again.
Good.
He turned his back, his chest was on fire, he could feel his lungs collapsing and shrinking, the pain wasn’t going away.
So he cried. Quietly, without waking the other boy up.
***
“Mr Lupin.”
The hushed voice of the nurse woke him up, he must have gotten barely a few hours of sleep. He was constantly tired, but he could feel his eyelids resisting to separate. He let out a quiet groan.
“Mr Lupin, the attorney is here for you,” the nurse tried again.
Right, stuff to do before death.
He nodded, forcing himself to wake up, but the chest pain was still there even after sleep. He winced and took deep breaths. Lucky for him that the nurse realised that.
“Would you like me to give you a dose of painkillers?”
“Yes please,” his voice cracked. He rubbed his eyes as the nurse got an ampul and got it in a syringe, which then she injected through the cannula on his hand.
He could feel the cold liquid spreading through his veins, climbing up his arm and just the thought of knowing the pain would decrease soon made him feel better already.
He blinked a few times to get his eyes to open fully, and he helped himself off the bed.
“Would you like me to accompany you?”
“No, no,” Remus shook his head, “It’s fine. Where is he?”
The nurse showed him the room, and he dragged his feet through the corridor and downstairs.
The door was ajar, and he pushed it open. The man was wearing a tuxedo and he was sitting on the armchair and stood up when he entered.
“Mr Lupin, Ludovic Bagman,” he reached his hand out, “Pleasure to meet you, sir.”
Remus looked at the man’s hand and grimaced.
“You shouldn’t say that to someone who hired you because he is dying,” he said as he plopped himself down on the other leather armchair, leaving him hanging.
“Right, I meant that it was my pleasure doing business with you. Not that I am happy we are under these circumstances, but-”
“Can we get to the point?” Remus interrupted, sighing.
“Absolutely, sir,” Bagman cleared his throat and pulled out a few forms, “You said you took care of most of your belongings, you’re asking me to handle the other long paperworks after your… demise.”
“Death.”
The attorney cleared his throat, “Yes that’s what I said.”
“You said demise, you can say death, I am not afraid of the word.”
Bagman stared for maybe two seconds, “Right. I will be cancelling your cards and lease and whatnot after your, um, death, and there are some belongings in your house that you wanted me to donate?”
“Yes, the fridge and the washing machine.”
He looked down to his notebook and scribbled, “Alright. You also said that you wanted to sign a DNR?”
“Correct.”
“We will need your doctor and a witness for that.”
“A witness?” Remus blinked, “Where am I going to get a witness?”
“It’s okay, we can call one of the nurses,” he said as he moved towards the door. As he went out to gather the people they needed, Remus leaned back on the chair and looked up at the ceiling.
Ludovic Bagman. Who would name their child that? Honestly, he’s really glad James and his wife named their son something normal, Harry.
In a few minutes, the attorney tagged three people along and came to the room. He read the form out loud for Remus, although he made it perfectly clear that he could fucking read, he let him know where to sign and how to fill it out as if the form didn’t have it written right fucking there. The doctors signed and in the end, Remus once more left Bagman hanging, not shaking his hand, just nodding and going back to his room.
He saw the personnel opening his room’s door, and he held it open and entered behind him. As he left breakfast boxes, Remus noticed that Sirius was awake now.
“Good morning.”
“Good morning.”
His head was throbbing, he needed sleep, so he curled up in his bed, hoping to get some.
***
The chatter in the room woke Remus up. The med students were here, following their professor like ducklings, and he held himself from laughing at the sight. As she scolded the students, the reality dawned on Remus, noticing what they were talking about: Sirius was going.
“Discharging?”
Sirius must have just realised that Remus was awake, because it took him a few moments to reply, “Yeah, guess so.”
Whatever Sirius had, it was somehow enchanting. His face could have been sculpted, he looked like Caravaggio would have been very lucky to paint him. He nodded, “I’m glad you didn’t stay for long,” he paused for a split second and added, “In the hospital, I mean. Not that I didn’t like your company. You’re an interesting person, Sirius Black.”
“I liked your company, too.”
“I’m glad you’re feeling good enough to be discharged, though,” he said, of course he meant that, he wouldn’t wish any sickness on anybody because heaven knew what he had been through. Still, it felt good to have him here even for a few days.
“Thanks,” Sirius looked around, “You didn’t eat.”
Remus realised that Sirius probably wasn’t aware that the only solid food he put in his mouth in the last month was what James brought him on the lid. He shrugged, “I don’t feel like it. I’m not hungry.”
“You didn’t eat yesterday, either.”
Well, good to know that he didn’t hear him gagging his stomach out yesterday, then, “Yes, that’s… that’s how declining works,” he let out a small laugh.
Then the other boy hopped off his bed and came towards Remus. Before he could process it, he was crouching down, looking eye to eye, “I’ll come back.”
“What?”
“I’ll come back for you. Once I see the baby and handle stuff back at home, I’ll come back for you,” the blue eyes felt like they could pierce through Remus’ skull.
Yes, he wanted to say, please, fuck, please, this is scary, it’s not scary when I’m not alone here, and I don’t want you to go, please.
“Okay,” he mumbled.
“Okay?”
“Yeah, okay.”
The door wasn’t knocked as an attending entered, Remus didn’t care to look up, but he recognised the voice. The attending that was there when Remus signed his DNR.
“Sirius Black?”
“Yup, that’s me,” he said as he stood up.
“Let’s check you out.”
Fuck, no, this soon?
Sirius nodded, “At the desk?”
“Yeah, we have some files to fill at the desk, and then you can leave.”
Remus looked away towards the window, watching the branches dance in the slight breeze.
“Can I come in five minutes?” Sirius asked.
“Find me or the other attendings,” the doctor said, followed by his footsteps going away.
Sirius pulled out his phone as he lowered himself again next to Remus, and handed him the phone. The phone case felt weird, Remus held it with both hands so as not to drop it.
“Give me your number. I’ll call you before I come, okay?”
Yes, yes, yes.
He typed his number on the screen, “Lupin. L-U-P-I-N,” he spelled as he handed it back.
“Got you,” Sirius placed the phone back in his pocket and moved to the other side of the room.
Remus watched the other boy pack for a bit, but the light made his head hurt, so he closed his eyes, just listening to his rustling.
“Remus.”
“Hm?”
“I’m leaving.”
I wish you weren’t, he thought and opened his eyes, “Okay.”
“Wait for me, alright? I’ll be back for you.”
“Yeah,” he mumbled, “I’ll wait.”
Sirius took his bag and left the room as Remus watched him go. He’ll come back, he said to himself, I’m not sure why, but he’ll come back.
“Fuck-” he let out, realising that the walls were closing in again, once more the room was quiet besides him.
He was alone, he was afraid and he was still too fucking young.
He closed his hand over his mouth and let his sobs out as quietly as possible, gasping for breath once in a while as he cried. People were having babies. People were walking out of this hospital and the cold white walls were imprisoning him, not allowing him to leave, and he was never going to leave here. Not while breathing, anyway.
The sobs got uncontrollable after a few minutes and his heart clenched, he felt like a bull was sitting on his chest, he couldn’t breathe, it was either something really keeping him from functioning or he was having a panic attack.
Remus Lupin was fucking scared.
He fumbled with the button beside his bed until he found the big red one to call for a nurse and slammed it a few times.
***
“Would you like some company, Mr Lupin?” the blonde nurse said quietly.
Remus wasn’t feeling like himself. They had sedated him yesterday in large doses, and his brain felt like a mush.
“I’m okay,” he mumbled, reaching for the TV remote. He turned on the TV, and there was another episode of the trivia show he liked. His eyes weren’t focusing entirely and the voices were coming with slight echo, but it was better than the silence he hated.
“I’ll stay here with you anyway,” she said and leaned back on the armchair as they both kept watching the show.
Sirius was going to call, he reminded himself. He was going to come back for him.
***
No phone calls. It had been one day, though, this was the second. Of course he shouldn’t have expected a phone call the next day he was discharged.
“Would you like some company, Mr Lupin?” asked the nurse, making Remus question himself if yesterday didn’t pass, or he was stuck in a loop.
“It’s alright, thank you.”
“Why don’t we watch that show again, hm?” she said as she turned the TV on. The blue light illuminated the room, “I’m sure I’ll get some right today.”
Remus blinked as they kept watching. His legs were tingling and he felt dizzy even while laying down. His chest tightened and he had a couple coughing fits throughout the day, not even once getting up from his bed.
Sirius was going to call. He was coming back.
***
Something was blocking his lungs. He could feel it. It was like an allergic reaction, it felt like his throat was closing up, but it wasn’t that superficial, it was deeper.
He needed to turn, get in a tripod position, putting his hands down almost as if he was on all fours, but he miscalculated his place in his bed and slammed on the floor, hitting his knees and his elbows.
“Fuck-” he gasped, coughing and letting out secretions that pooled up in his lungs everytime he coughed. The droplets landed on his tongue and he tasted the disgusting poison, making him gag.
His knees hurt, but there was no way he was puking here. He crawled to the bathroom, couldn’t reach the light switch from where he was so he found the toilet bowl blindly.
He gripped the side of it, gagging violently into the bowl. Nothing came out, he wasn’t sure how much he gagged or coughed. The increased pressure in his head made the capillaries in his nose burst, his nose started bleeding like a faucet and blood filled in mouth.
Remus reached out for the help button, it was high but he slammed it, again and again, until his hand that was gripping the side of the toilet bowl slipped. He wasn’t able to hold himself, the last thing he knew was hitting his head directly on the toilet floor.
***
The beeps and the silent conversations woke him up.
The fluorescent lights were directly in his eyes, so he closed them as soon as he opened. His head was hurting. Scratch that, everything was hurting. His throat, all of his bones, his chest, his stomach…
Without opening his eyes, he tried to lift his hand, but the feeling had been lost. He wasn’t sure if he could or not. He felt like gagging again, there was something in his throat. Spasming himself made him notice that he was intubated.
He forced his eyes to open. His vision was blurry. The light was hurting his eyes. There were people around the nurse’s desk, a white sheet over him, which made him finally feel how cold he was.
He tried to make a sound but he was blocked.
Everything hurt.
Sleep, he told himself, fucking go to sleep.
***
Sleep.
***
Sleep.
***
Fucking go to sleep.
***
He knew that he woke up several times, because he saw his hands. He saw bruises, he saw the tubes, the wires. He saw the blood droplets staining the tube that reached his lungs and made him breathe.
Time was such a confusing thing. It stretched and shrunk. The pain changed, stayed the same, prolonged, shortened, intensified, subsided, migrated through his body.
He didn’t make out what the nurses said to him for a long time, but he must have looked responsive, because they kept talking to him.
As far as his brain allowed, he deciphered the sentences one by one.
“Mr Lupin,” was a part of it, “We’re going to extubate you, okay?”
“We’re going to give you some anaesthetics for a while, to relieve the pain.”
“You’ll be moved to another room, okay?”
And the thing was, Remus felt them all. He felt the sedative coursing through his veins, reaching his brain. It wasn’t making him sleepy, not entirely, but he could feel himself getting lighter. He felt the tube leaving his throat, making it itchy, making him gag. He felt the vibrations of the gurney moving him. He saw the lights passing him by, forcing him to close his eyes or he’d get a migraine, probably.
He felt the staff moving him to a bed, and a small blanket being put over him.
“Goodnight, Mr Lupin.”
***
The cold started getting to him. He needed socks or some other kind of warmth.
Without opening his eyes, Remus pulled his blanket on top of him. Under that, he felt warm, unlike he used to.
“Remus.”
He opened his eyes only to immediately squint afterwards, it was still way too bright for him.
The blurry image cleared as his eyes adjusted and it was-
It was Sirius. He was here.
“You’re here.”
“Yeah, I told you I would come back, right?”
Remus blinked a few times before pushing himself up with his elbow, sitting up straight to look at the pale boy.
“You didn’t call.”
“I wanted it to be a surprise. Didn’t you like that?”
Remus felt his cheeks tighten, he was smiling, mirroring Sirius. His teeth were so white and so pearly that Remus felt self-conscious, so he pursed his lips, “I liked that.”
“Good,” Sirius said, sitting next to him and, holy shit, they were sitting so close now. Their thighs were pressing against one another, “You look better.”
“Do I?” Remus scoffed with a smile, sounding snappier than he intended to.
“Yeah, look at you,” Sirius reached for the mirror that stood on the bedside table, which Remus realised that he hadn’t noticed it to be there before. Frankly, who would want to see themselves if they were under palliative care?
It took him a courageous glance at first to look at it, but his eyes widened when he saw his face. His skin wasn’t pale like it had been, his cheeks weren’t hollow.
“Guess I must have been getting better,” he mumbled.
“You surely,” Sirius grinned as he bumped his shoulder to Remus’. He was caught by surprise by this, he could feel his ears burning.
“How’s… How’s everything?” Remus licked his lips and looked down to the floor. The marble was shinier. Whiter. “How is uh, Harry? James? James’ wife?”
“They’re perfect, Remus, you should see.”
Remus’ eyes were fixated on the floor still, it looked different, much cleaner than he saw. That was what happens when people pay attention to proper cleaning supplies, he thought. New room, right?
His eyes moved to his feet and before he could focus, Sirius’ warm hand gently cupped his cheek and made him turn to him, and all he could think was what the fuck is going on right now?
“You must be really mad at me for not coming sooner, huh?” Sirius chuckled and Remus could feel his heart beating in his ears, their faces were so close and Sirius smelled so nice and he was smiling so beautifully and his eyes and his nose and his eyebrows and the bridge of his nose and his smile and his teeth and his lips-
Remus recoiled, swallowing his saliva through the lump and clearing his throat, praying that his face wasn’t blushing. The distance between them was so little that he worried that Sirius could hear his heartbeat there for a minute.
“I’m not mad.”
As if Sirius could read his mind, his sculpture-like hand moved down his neck to his shoulder and then to his chest, Remus was now a hundred percent certain that there was no way of hiding his fluttering heart now. His eyes followed Sirius’ arm as he saw the weird tattoos, which… moved in his arms? Squiggled like worms, changing shapes.
“Your tattoos-”
“It was just I was going home and,” Sirius interrupted, “I needed to get my stuff done.”
“Yeah, no, I get it-” Remus’ eyes were glued to the boy’s arm which felt like an animation, was this sort of a reflection? A little trick of the light perhaps?
“I came as soon as I could,” Sirius’ hands both moved to Remus’ face now and made him look up, directly into his eyes. Remus could drown. The dark blue and grey mixed together like the view of the icy sea at night in a cruise, where you had to keep your eyes on the horizon or you would never be able to find it again.
“I know.”
“I shouldn’t have left.”
Remus chuckled, everything felt calmer when Sirius didn’t break eye contact, “You were discharged, what were you supposed to do, really?”
“I could’ve stayed. I should’ve.”
Remus’ heart was banging on his ribs like a fist, begging to let it out. The words found their way before his brain could register, “You’re here now. That’s what matters.”
Sirius smiled, his eyes softened and his face relaxed. Remus couldn’t get enough of the view, the expression, the complexion, the colour palette making up Sirius’ face, the dark black hair that flowed down around his head to his shoulders, the ears, fuck, the ears.
He should stop reading Murakami, he thought.
Sirius let go of his face and his hands moved down to Remus’, making him flinch. He had this habit of making sure that he was the one touching other people’s hands if that was going to happen, because you see, he had a cannula on the back of his right hand and it hurt when someone touched it.
He looked down when Sirius held his hands, the cannula wasn’t there, and it didn’t hurt, either. They must have taken it off when he was asleep, because he certainly didn’t remember something like that. His eyes moved to Sirius’ perfect hands, he had rings on his thumb and his middle finger, and the silvery touches on the black metal reflected the blue of his blanket beautifully.
Wait, blue?
The blanket that was on him was not the red plaid blanket he brought to the hospital or a random blanket they chose to give him, it was the blue and white one he had back home, which he was sure he donated, he didn’t bring this one here because it wasn’t thick enough and Remus got cold easily these last few months.
“Wait-”
“What’s wrong?”
Remus felt a strange panic as he looked around the room, they were not in the hospital room anymore, the floor wasn’t marble, there was a carpet. Not just any carpet, his carpet. He looked around the room, it was his bedroom back home except this was emptier, tidier, cleaner.
He felt dizzy, looking around, “When did we get home?”
“I don’t know, but it’s pretty isn’t it?”
Shit.
Remus blinked a few times, some of the photos on the wall changed and he needed an anchor so he stopped looking around and fixed his eyes on Sirius’.
“You didn’t come.”
“No.”
“I didn’t get out of the ICU.”
“You didn’t.”
“Shit.”
Sirius’ smile didn’t falter, and he tightened his grip on Remus’ hands.
“So what is this?” Remus asked, taking a deep breath and not moving his eyes from the blue ones.
Sirius tutted, “A nice dream, I guess.”
“Is it? Is it a dream? If it’s a dream, I must be alive, then, huh?”
Sirius shrugged, “Does it matter anymore?”
And the truth was, it didn’t. Sirius hadn’t come. Remus had always known that it was the end, it was going to be the end actually.
Remus nodded as he laid back on the bed. He had missed his own bed, this was better than what he expected, “Lie down with me.”
Sirius followed his request and they laid down, side by side, arms tangled with each other. The ceiling had disappeared and it was a cloudless night. It wasn’t cold, it wasn’t even chilly anymore. The new moon was dim, allowing them to see the stars.
“Sirius is a star, right?”
“Yes.”
“So which one is it?”
Sirius chuckled as his fingers intertwined with Remus’, “I don’t know.”
“How could you not know which star you’re named after?”
“Because you don’t know, Remus.”
Right. This wasn’t Sirius, this was a fragment of Remus’ imagination, and whatever he didn’t know, Sirius didn’t know either. So he pointed at the brightest one, “Can it be this?”
“Sure.”
Remus stared at the little dot in the sky until all the other ones disappeared. There was only the skinny moon, and the little flickering light they chose to be Sirius.
“What do we do now?” Remus whispered. His hand was fitting right into Sirius’ and he wondered if it was like this in real life, too. He had held Sirius’ hand when he was awake, god knows how many days ago because everything was blurry now. But not like this. That was more of a supporting kind of way, and now Sirius’ fingertips were rubbing the back of his hand, the warmth radiating through his body starting from his palms.
“We close our eyes.”
Remus’ head snapped towards him, “But what if I don’t open them again? What if I don’t see you again?”
Sirius turned on his side and used his free hand to stroke Remus’ cheek. The movement calmed him down, that was what his dad used to do when he had nightmares and he felt the urge to close his eyes like the other boy said, but resisted it.
“It’ll be alright.”
“You didn’t come.”
Sirius took a deep breath, “I’m sorry.”
The room disappeared, the blackness of the sky covered what used to be walls and Remus couldn’t care less. What he was staring at was right in front of him, anyway.
“I forgive you.”
Sirius closed his eyes and that’s when he knew that he had to as well.
“Goodnight,” he whispered.
“Goodnight.”