Sirius
If Sirius had been more sober, he probably would have recognised this was a terrible idea, but he wasn’t more sober. He was sharing a bottle of vodka with Marlene, brainstorming ways to get over unrequited love. Mary and Remus were downstairs, probably all over people by this point, and neither he, nor Marlene wanted to see it.
“How ‘bout we just…” Marlene took another sip. “Dose ourselves with amortentia?”
Sirius scoffed, “And who are our victims?”
Marlenes eyes narrowed as she screwed up her face in thought, thrusting the bottle forward, allowing Sirius to snatch it back. “Hmm… could always go back to Sky?”
“You or me?”
“They’d probably take us both.”
Sirius snorted, nodding as he took another swig. Sky would take them at the same time if it was their choice. He set the bottle down between them and wiggled his eyebrows at Marlene.
“Want me to try turn you?”
Marlene snickered, “What? Off?”
“Mar-lene!” Sirius gasped, bringing a hand to his chest as he flopped to his back. “You have broken my poor heart. Where did you learn such cruelness?”
“You didn’t know? Remus tutored me.”
Sirius cried out dramatically, “That bastard. That beautiful bastard. Why does he torture me heart?”
Marlene huffed and there was a thud beside Sirius as she flopped to her back too. “At least he doesn’t insist on playing your hair every night.”
“That’s torture?”
“It is when she decides the best place for my head is her lap.”
Sirius hummed. That would be torture.
“If I could just kiss him once… I think I could move on… get it out of my system, you know?
“Hmm… I could see that working… like just enough to satiate the fantasy…”
Sirius closed his eyes and pictured it. Curling his fingers through Remus’ hair. Feeling his heat beating against his chest. Tasting his lips. Touching his-
Sirius shot upright, grinning.
“That’s it.”
“What’s it?”
“I kiss Remus once.” He turned to Marlene who was staring up at him like he’d just said something stupid. “And you kiss Mary once.” Marlene raised an eyebrow.
“You do know what unrequited means, right?”
Sirius stopped smiling. He forgot about that part.
“Oh yeah…”
Marlene nodded solemnly, reaching up and patting his knee. “There there, it’s alright.”
He sighed. This wasn’t fair. Why did Remus have to be so attractive? Him and his jumpers and books and freckles and hair and voice and arms and legs and lips and-
“That’s it!”
Sirius jumped to his feet, the grin back on his face.
“What’s it?”
He turned back to Marlene who was frowning up at him.
“I kiss Remus and you kiss Mary.”
Marlene groaned and threw her hands over her face. “You’re worse than a goldfish.”
“I am not.”
“You are. We just went over this. Unrequited means-”
“Unrequited doesn’t matter if it’s a dare.”
Marlene pulled back her arms, a smile creeping onto her face as she narrowed her eyes up at Sirius. “Are you suggesting we cheat?”
“I’m not suggesting we shouldn’t.”
The smile reached across Marlenes whole face, and she reached up. Sirius smirked and grabbed her hands, yanking her to her feet. Both on their feet, Sirius reached into his pocket and pulled out a small metal tin, opening it to reveal mints. He grabbed two and held them out-
SMACK!
Marlenes hand collided with Sirius’ and the mints in his hand went flying.
“Oi! What was that-”
“No, we shouldn’t have them.”
Sirius frowned. “But I always have a pre-kiss mint. I can’t break tradition now. It will go terribly!”
Marlene raised her eyebrows and nodded, grinning. “Exactly. It will be so terrible we’ll never want to kiss them again.”
“Ohhh…” Realisation dawned on Sirius, and he started grinning too, nodding along with Marlene. “You’re a genius.”
Sirius flipped the mint tin closed and shoved it back in his pocket. This was so gonna work. He was gonna kiss Remus and it was gonna be so terrible that he would never want to do it again. Then he could move on and stop sulking over his gorgeous friend not wanting him.
“JAMESSS”
“LILYYY”
Sirius and Marlene dashed out the door, stumbling down the stairs to where the Halloween party was in full swing. Marlene peeled off and went in search of the girls, while Sirius started plodding around for the boys. It didn’t take long. Mostly because James was standing on a table telling everyone who would listen about the goal he scored in the last match against Ravenclaw. No one was listening. Not that James seemed to care.
“And then, I lineeeddd it up and THREW THE QUAFFLE AND-”
“Jammmesss…” Sirius gave the table a little shake. “Where are Moony and Wormtail? Marlene and I want to play truth or dare.”
“But I was right in the middle of-”
“I’ll dare Lily to be your potion partner for a day.”
James leapt off the table and started pushing his way into the crowd, shouting over his shoulder. “I’ll find Peter. Remus is by the drinks with Benjy.”
“No wait I-”
But James was already gone.
Sirius groaned.
Thanks James.
Fenwick was three quarters of the reason he’d ended up this much alcohol in his system. He wasn’t subtle about his crush on Remus, and Remus encouraged it. Or at least, that’s what it looked like to Sirius. Including right now. Sirius glared as he approached.
Remus was standing there, in all his tall and curly haired glory. Drink in hand, knitted jumper on, and talking happily. It would have been the perfect picture if it weren’t for…
“Oh, good evening Sirius.”
“Fenwick.”
“Remus and I were just discussing the differences between the magical applications of the Anglo-Saxon Futhorc and the Elder Futhorc alphabets.”
“Right.”
“Do you have any opinion on the matter?”
“No.”
“Really? That’s very interesting. Though I suppose-”
Merlin.
“Look that really does sound fascinating but…” Sirius turned to Remus, “we’re organising a game of truth or dare up in our dorm, and your presence is required.”
Remus raised an eyebrow. “Truth or dare?”
Sirius smirked and stepped forward, “What?” He raised his hand and poked Remus in the chest. “Are you scared?”
Remus glanced down at Sirius’ finger and rolled his eyes, “Where are we playing?”
“In our room,” He dropped his finger, grabbing Remus’ wrist and tugging as he turned around. “Marlene’s getting Lily and Mary too. I promise it won’t turn out like last-”
“Can I come too?”
Sirius stopped grinning as Benjy jumped in front of them, completely ignoring the fact Sirius was there, smiling at Remus.
No, you absolutely cannot come-
“Eh, sure. I don’t see why not.”
Sirius scowled. What was Benjy’s problem? Could he really not handle leaving Remus alone for five minutes? Sirius had to leave Remus alone all the bloody time, but not Benjy. He could just follow Remus around like a lost puppy and he let him. If he tried that, Remus got annoyed and told him to piss off.
Ever since summer break, he got annoyed when Sirius sat too close, avoided being alone with him, and spent all his time hanging out with boys that weren’t him. It wasn’t fair. He had been crushing on Remus for years and convinced himself Remus was straight and therefore coped. But no, it turned out that Remus just wasn’t interested in Sirius.
Sirius released Remus and barged past Benjy.
“Come on then,” he grumbled, and started heading for the dorms.
This was why he needed to get Remus up in their dorm, so they could share a really horrible and disappointing kiss, so he could move on. Then Benjy could have him, and it wouldn’t bother him. Probably. Maybe. Hopefully.
---
“What are you doing?”
Sirius shared a look with Marlene, who just shrugged as Lily put the bottle in the middle of their circle.
“Making sure it stays fair,” she glared at him and James. “I don’t fancy whatever you lot have organised.”
James gasped, “I’m offended you would imply such a thing. On an unrelated note, does that mean you aren’t interested in coming with me to Hogsmeade next weekend?”
Lily ignored him, sitting back down in the free spot between Marlene and Remus, right across from them. Sirius tried to ignore the overly chummy person who’d obviously decided to sit next to Remus.
It’s fine. Everything will be over after this game.
Admittedly, adding a bottle was going to make this significant more difficult for him and Marlene to orchestrate, but it would be worth it. Unrequited be damned. Marlene was going to kiss Mary. He was going to kiss Remus. It was going to be terrible, and they would never want to do it again.
“I’ll go first.” Sirius reached forward and gave the bottle a spin. It was a weak spin, as he was trying to get it to land on Marlene. Naturally, it didn’t.
“Dare.”
Sirius smirked.
“Remus John Lupin, I dare you to swap tops with the person on your left.”
It was the perfect dare, if he did so say himself. He was going to swap his big, baggy jumper for Lily’s little green-
“What are you doing? I said left!”
Remus paused, frowning, but Benjy kept removing his top.
“You said MY left, Pads. Lily is MY right, Benjy is MY left.”
Fuck.
Sirius’ stomach twisted and he was pretty sure he was scowling as Remus went back to exchanging tops with Benjy.
“Oh, it’s really warm Remus.”
Sirius clenched his teeth.
Shut up, Fenwick. Sirius thought as he watched Remus button up the shirt. He did pull it off nicely, much better than its original owner.
Remus spun the bottle and the game continued. James accidentally submitted a Lily Evans I love you letter for his last transfiguration essay. They found out Mary had a crush on their second year defence teacher, Professor Eridian. Marlene had to (got to) read out James’ love letter. Peter had to sing the Hogwarts song in an opera voice. Lily confessed to having stolen her sisters easter chocolates as a child. And Sirius had to give James a lap dance. Which he did with full enthusiasm, of course.
Sirius picked up the bottle and gave it another spin, this time not bothering to try play it. It spun and spun and spun, until…
Perfect.
“Truth or dare.”
Marlene she stared at the bottle, before her eyes darted up to Sirius, and she nodded. She was going through with it.
“Dare.”
Sirius narrowed his eyes, grinning as he looked around the circle as if pretending to think of something good. He met Marys eyes and smirked.
“Well in the spirit of Lily’s fabulous idea…” There were several groans. “I dare McKinnon to snog Macdonald.”
The light left Marys eyes.
“What?”
“You heard me. Swap spit.”
There was an echo of oos and a few laughs, as Marlenes face started going bright red and Mary looked like she was going to be sick, but neither part protested. Marlene put her hands on her knees, as she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, before turning to Mary. Mary bit her lip, but copied the action.
By the time Marlene opened her eyes, and their gazes met, her face was redder than Lilys hair. Everyone was quiet.
“Alright Marlene?” Mary muttered, eyes wide in question, a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.
Marlene swallowed, and the hands on her knees clenched. She let herself glance down at Marys lips and she licked her lips, forcing her eyes back up. “Yes…”
They both paused for a second, before Marlene leaned forward, closing the distance between their faces until their lips met. It was a tentative kiss, soft and unsure. Marlene started pulling back, but Mary followed her, wrapping her hands around Marlenes wrists to stop her from moving away.
“Ooooohhh.”
“Yessss Marls!”
“Get in there Mary!”
The girls pulled apart, Mary smiling shyly and Marlene eyes wider than a house elf’s, a mixture of shock and confusion all over her face. Sirius tried to meet her eye but she avoided him, reached down for the bottle and giving it a spin.
What just...
“Peter, truth or dare.”
“Truth.”
And the game continued.
Sirius continued trying to meet Marlenes eye, but she wouldn’t look at him, no matter how many daggers he sent her way. It got to the point where James leaned over and asked if there was something wrong and bloody hell, there was something wrong! Sirius had no idea if the test had worked or not. He was supposed to be kissing Remus soon and coming out of it a new, crush free man. Except Marlene was still blushing, and he was pretty sure Mary’s hand hadn’t been on her leg before they kissed.
“Benjy?”
“Truth.”
Peter glanced around the circle before smiling mischievously.
“Kiss, Marry, Kill for… Lily… Sirius and… Remus.”
You have got to be kidding me.
Sirius made a mental note to transfigure Peters sheets into giant slugs while he slept tonight.
Everyone’s attention turned to Fenwick while Sirius glared at the bottle.
“Well… I think I’ll marry Remus… kiss Lily and I’m really sorry Sirius, but I’ll have to kill you.”
I’m sure you’re very sorry.
Sirius just shrugged as he continued glaring at the middle of their circle. There were a couple of laughs but he ignored them, preferring to shoot daggers a the half empty bottle of Vodka that was at fault for this game.
It got spun again. Then again. Then again. James serenaded someone of his choice (Lily). Sirius spent a round hanging upside down by his ankle (James was getting slugged too). They learned Remus used to think eating bread crusts were the reason his hair was curly. And Mary had her makeup redone by Peter.
Looking like a clown, Mary spun the bottle. It landed on Sirius.
“Dare, obviously.”
He always picked dare, everyone knew that.
Mary opened her mouth to start speaking but before any words could come out, Marlene leaned to her right and-
Oh no…
Mary smirked and Sirius felt sick, as he guessed what Marlene had probably just whispered into Mary’s ear.
Shit…
Suddenly, Sirius became very, very sobered up to the fact this was a terrible idea. He couldn’t kiss Remus. He couldn’t kiss Remus with everyone watching. What if Remus laughed? What if Remus said that he was disgusting? What if Remus thought he was a bad kisser?
Nope. No way. He wasn’t doing this. He wasn’t going kissing Remus. He was going to back out. He would break his three year-long streak of never taking the penalty.
But what if that offends Remus?
He hadn’t taken the penalty in three years. What if Remus took that personally and things got awkward? Sirius had worn James’ dirty quidditch socks as a face mask. He’d eaten a piece of bread topped with spit. If he took the penalty now, he was basically saying those were better options than kissing Remus.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Sirius tried to glare at Marlene, but she continued to avoid his gaze, suddenly very interested in her sleeve.
“Sirius, I dare you to kiss Remus.”
Oh this is just so-
“Absolutely not.” Sirius head shot around to where Remus was vehemently shaking his head, his arms crossed. “This is Sirius’ dare, not mine.”
The whole circle went quiet and the sick feeling in Sirius’ stomach doubled as his thoughts flickered back to previous games. Remus had swapped shoes with Mary before. Remus had used Peters toothbrush. Remus had even kissed James once. In one of James’ dares.
But I’m where he draws the line…
“Oh, come on Remus, I did it for Marls.”
“And that was your choice. I am not kissing Sirius.”
Everyone kept quiet and Sirius could feel his face burning. At least he didn’t have to worry about hurting Remus’ feelings anymore… He kept his eyes cast down and shook his head.
“No. I’m… I’m not going that.”
The party downstairs echoed up the hall. Sirius risked a glance up and finally caught Marlenes eye. She offered him an apologetic smile, but his gaze drifted left to where Remus was frowning deeply with his arms crossed. He looked back down.
Great…
The silence continued.
“Well…” James coughed. “I guess I can volunteer my lips as a stand in Remus.”
There was a round of snickers and Sirius smirked. He could work with this. He turned his head around to James and winked.
“Just admit it, Prongs. That dance left you reeling for me.”
James grinned and put his hand over his heart. “Oh Padfoot, you’ve caught me out. My love, my heart beats only for you. Please, allow me the honour.”
“Allow you the honour? But my dear Prongs. It would be my dream to have our lips brush together in a dance of passion.”
“Oh Padfoot, how long I have…” As James continued, Sirius couldn’t help but glance at Remus to gauge his reaction, but Remus wasn’t paying attention. He wasn’t even looking. He was whispering to Benjy.
So, I’m not even good enough entertainment for him? He doesn’t just not want to kiss me; he doesn’t want to see me kiss anyone? Do I disgust him that much? What game is he playing? Since when did he hate me so much? What did I do wrong? Is this just-
“I’m doing a re-spin. Sirius, you’re off the hook.”
“Wait but-”
But the bottle was already spinning, which was probably a good thing, because Sirius wasn’t actually sure what his plan there had been. Say he wanted the dare Remus was adamantly refusing? Practically admit that he was hopelessly in love with a boy who didn’t like him back? Who borderline didn’t even like him as a friend at this point?
Maybe it was the alcohol talking, it was probably the alcohol talking, but he couldn’t help but worry about what that said about him. Nothing good that was for sure. Remus was nice to almost everyone, by far the most level headed and logical, probably knew him the best outside James… if he’d grown sick of him…
Sirius sighed and the game went on.
Doesn’t matter…
He didn’t pay much attention to the rest of the game, he didn’t get called upon again. At some point Benjy left so he wouldn’t get caught out after curfew, swapping shirts back with Remus first. Then Mary and Marlene peeled off, followed by Lily a while after. When Peter announced he’d had enough too, Remus and James stood up with him.
“Coming to bed too?”
Sirius stood up, glancing over at his bed. Then shook his head. He wanted to wallow for longer.
“I think I’m gonna hang down in the common room for a bit.”
“You right, Pads?”
“Yeh, just not ready to sleep yet. Too much grog.”
James nodded, stretching his arms above his head and yawning. “Well, I’m going for a shower. Night lads.” James stumbled off to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him as Peter put himself to bed and closed his curtains, leaving Remus and Sirius alone.
“Um… night, I guess,” Sirius turned around and headed for the door, but just as he was about to leave, Remus called out.
“Actually,” Sirius’ head snapped around, to see looking at him sheepishly. “Mind if I join you?”
Sirius blinked. Really? Remus wanted to come down with him? Maybe he-
No. Means nothing.
“Yeh I-I don’t mind.”
Remus relaxed and Sirius noticed a little pink flush seeping onto his cheeks. It must have been the alcohol.
Sirius continued his way down the stairs, Remus’ footsteps echoing after him. They entered the common room, to find it mostly empty. A couple of seventh years still lingering by the drinks table, but other than that, the party seemed over. Sirius set himself down in his usual spot on the double lounge and Remus sat in his, just opposite him.
They didn’t speak, choosing to sit quietly, just listening to the fire crackling as it reduced to embers. Every now and then he glanced over at Remus, partly hoping to catch him looking too, but mostly to stare. He was weak.
In his defence, Remus looked incredible in the fire light. The way it cast shadows across Remus’ features, the way it shone through the curls of his hair. He was so weak. Sirius leaned back in his chair. He was supposed to be getting over Remus, not falling harder.
I need to find a distraction…
Sirius glanced over his shoulder at the drinks table, where Henry and Theo were still speaking. Henry was handsome, but if he was trying to get over Remus… Theo was probably… Sirius sighed and went back to staring at the roof… Theo was still nowhere near as enticing as Remus. Neither of them were. He was doomed. And drunk.
“Do you hate me, Moony?”
“What?”
Sirius groaned.
“Well, everything was fine before the holidays, but you’ve been acting weird ever since we came back…”
Remus didn’t answer and Sirius closed his eyes. He knew it. This was it. Remus hated him and this was the proof. He was about to tell him all the different ways he was annoying and terrible and-
“Sirius, I do not hate you.”
He scoffed, “Right…”
“I don’t hate you, Pads. Your… your one of my… best friends.”
Sirius blinked his eyes open. Best friends. He leaned forward and looked up at a frowning Remus. “Then why are you ignoring me?”
Remus shook his head, his brows knitting together. “I’m not avoiding you I’m just busy.”
“Hmm…”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well you have plenty of time for Benjy, and Lily, and pretty much anyone that isn’t me.”
“Sirius that… that isn’t the same-”
“And you didn’t want to do the dare.”
Remus balked, and his frown deepened. “But… But you didn’t want to do it either?”
Sirius was suddenly very grateful for the firelight as he felt his face heating up. He turned toward the fire and crossed his arms. “Yeh well… you didn’t have to acted so disgusted by it…”
“I wasn’t disgusted I… I just…”
“You just what? Didn’t want Benjy to see? Didn’t want to upset-”
“Sirius, me and Benjy aren’t-”
“Aren’t worried about me? Because I’m just so horrible and unworthy-”
“What are you talking-”
“I don’t even care, Remus. Do what you want, it doesn’t bother-”
“Padfoot!”
“What?”
Sirius looked up to see that Remus was on his feet, walking toward him, glaring. Sirius narrowed his eyes.
“What do you-”
Remus scowled, “No.” He sat down beside him. “You listen.”
There was a scuffle of footsteps behind them, heading up to the seventh years dorms. At least they had privacy now.
“Fine,” he huffed. “Say it, then I’m going to bed.”
“What is your problem tonight?”
“I thought you wanted me to listen?”
Remus groaned, putting his face in his hands. Sirius smirked. Serves him right.
“Fine. You want me to talk? I’ll talk. You get in my face, invade my personal space, and you… you don’t respect the fact I need distance right now. Not everything is about your feelings, Sirius. I have to give a shit about myself too.”
“But you haven’t told me anything! You just started avoiding me without giving me any explanation!”
Remus’ face hardened, “I don’t owe you an explanation.”
“Well, I want one!” Sirius spat, leaning forward. “Why are you avoiding me? What did I do to piss you off so badly?”
Remus leaned closer, brown eyes fixed firmly on grey.
“Because I like you, Sirius. I have been trying to push it away because I could ever be what you want, let alone what you need.”
Wait that… Sirius felt his entire body go weak. Remus likes…
“Remus what-”
But Remus wasn’t done yet. He came closer, leaning in even further. Getting so close Sirius could feel his frustrated breath.
“Are you happy now? Have I boosted your ego enough? That’s why I’ve been avoiding you, so I didn’t completely ruin our friendship after all these years, but I guess that doesn’t matter, huh.”
“Remus I-”
“No. You don’t get to have the final say when I’m the one who-”
Maybe it was because he was drunk, it was definitely because he was drunk, but before Sirius could think through what he was doing, he closed the space between him and Remus. Because Remus liked him. Remus Lupin liked him back.
Their mouths met but the moment Sirius felt their lips collide, Remus jumped backwards. His eyes burning and his expression filled with nothing but fury, he stared at Sirius, his chest rising and falling with ragged breaths.
“Are you kidding me? What the fuck was that?”
Sirius’ heart sank and suddenly the air felt like it was being sucked out of his lungs.
“I thought you-”
Remus scoffed, “Oh I get it. Another notch right? You can’t just… how could you think…”
“Because I like you, you idiot!”
The fire crackled in the hearth, as Sirius’ words hung in the air.
Remus expression softened, his anger giving way to confusion. “What?”
“I…” Be a Gryffindor, you coward. Sirius took a deep breath in. “I like you, Remus.”
Remus’ eyes widened, “No… you’re just saying that… this is just a-”
Sirius shook his head, looking down. “No, Moony I’m not. I’ve…” Say it. “I’ve liked you since fourth year and I just… I thought you would never like me back because… well I’m me and you’re you.”
“That can’t…”
“Can’t be true? Yeh well… it is…” Sirius shut his eyes. “At first I just told myself you were straight and ignored it but then… this year… it just hurt more because I couldn’t use that as an excuse anymore…”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Why didn’t you?”
Sirius wasn’t sure what he was expecting to happen next. In the back of his mind there were certainly a few hopes, but they were being firmly pressed down by thousands and thousands of concerns. This wasn’t how a confession was supposed to go, this was an argument, he made Remus angry.
He certainly wasn’t expecting a hand to wrap around his. He also wasn’t expecting a hand to cup his chin or have his face tilted up. And just about the last thing he’d been expecting, but probably the thing he’d been hoping for most, happened.
They kissed.
Sirius could suddenly feel warm, tender lips pressing against his own. How the fuck he had ever thought this would help him get over Remus was a mystery, because as they moved together, Sirius could feel himself falling harder and harder. It was perfect. It was everything he had ever thought a kiss should be. He was completely satiated yet only getting more hungry.
Fuck…
He wanted to go longer, he didn’t want to take a breath, but his lungs demanded it. Leaving their foreheads pressed together, they pulled apart to breath and for a second, they simply stared at each other. Sirius analysing every part of his face and committing it to memory from this perfect, perfect angle. All the freckles across his nose and cheeks. The golden specks in his eyes that he’d never noticed before.
“I want you, Moony… Please…”
Remus breathed out, and with a shaky breath he closed the gap again.
“You have me…”