It was easy to hate Regulus Black, Evan thought bitterly, watching said boy with someone who was supposed to be his.
He wasn’t even a jealous person—not like that, at least. But God, Barty and Regulus were together everywhere. And Evan understood the concept of being best friends, but at this point, they were borderline obsessed with each other. And he was forced to watch from the sidelines.
The party played before and after him, surrounding him like an animal in a cage, and yet, his eyes were fixated on Regulus. The kind of stare that makes you painfully aware of your own eyes; how your pupils move slightly, dilating every time the object of your ire makes even the smallest move. Evan felt the bitter taste of a cigarette in his mouth, hating every second of it and hating himself for actually smoking inside like some kind of boorish pig, but he suspected no one even cared at that point.
He decided to stay sober for his own sake; with so many dark feelings inside, he couldn’t be trusted with even a drop of alcohol. But Barty and Regulus clearly didn’t hold each other, and now they were drunken messes, clinging to each other like their lives were dependent on it. His white shirt was all crinkled and screwed up, but that was hardly noticeable due to the oversized leather jacket that was covering his chest. His trousers had the odd few creases, though Evan was probably the only one who was staring at Barty’s legs. Everyone else was probably entranced by the shiny eyebrow piercing. Or maybe that was just Evan as well.
Regulus finally looked at him, catching his gaze and smiled at him. To someone from the outside, it would be the sweetest smile to ever be seen. But Evan was filled with astringent feelings towards Regulus, so for him, it was a sign of pure mockery.
Look at me, Evan; I have him and you don’t.
He shifted uncomfortably on a sofa, and someone patted him on the shoulder. He lifted his eyes to look at Pandora. Somehow, he was glad. From all those people around him, at least she was someone that he was happy to see. She handed him a glass full of something.
“Can’t do it, Dora. It’ll be better if I stay sober today, believe me.” Evan muttered. He felt like a fun killer, too moody to be around people. And yet, Pandora sat down next to him with a soft smile and knowing eyes.
“Sometimes we see things that we want to see. Even hurtful ones." She glanced at Barty and Regulus on the other side of a room and back to Evan. “They feel bad, you know? You’re ignoring them.”
“Well, I’m not really a fan of watching them eye-fucking each other non-stop,” He answered, more harshly than she deserved. He immediately repressed his sour attitude because it was Pandora. She took his hand into her own. “Sorry for snapping, Dora. I’m just—”
“The Brotherhood that was born in pain and suffering comes stronger than anything else." He had to stop himself from rolling his eyes (always fucking riddles from her), but Pandora, being her observant self, noticed that. Evan winced when she snapped his hand; it was gentle and yet enough to make him look at her. “Jesus, okay. Want me to speak freely? You’re a crybaby, Evan. You can’t just ignore them because you feel bad. Did you—did you really tell them that you are too busy studying with Remus to spend time with them?”
“For fuck’s sake, Dora, they have matching tattoos of their own bite marks! How sick is that? I’m not gonna be a third wheel, okay? I’m done. So done. They can both rot.” The way he felt after saying that… the guilt and overwhelming hatred to himself, it was unbearable. Evan really missed them both. But you cannot be in love with Barty Crouch Jr without hating Regulus Black. He supposed that it worked in the opposite way too, but it wasn’t his question to answer.
He didn’t really tell them how he felt. Evan did the only thing that he saw as reasonable—distanced himself. It was a quick reaction to the realization that he was in love with Barty while Barty was very much in love with Regulus. It didn’t help that he didn’t even feel included as a friend. Barty and Regulus were inseparable, while he was just… there.
It hurt to feel left in the shadows all the time, but it was something Evan was used to. He couldn’t help but ignore Barty and Regulus when they barely interacted with him anyway. He was a firm believer in ‘if they wanted to, they would’. So if his friends wanted to talk to him, then they could be the ones to start a conversation.
“I think they sure feel like rotting, especially after their best friend just left them without a word and suddenly became buddies with Remus." Even while scolding, Pandora sounded so nice and gentle that it made him feel even worse. “Which was the most random thing to do. Like how do you even… no, it doesn't matter. All I’m saying is that they miss you. And I am sorry you are selfish enough to allow your own feelings to hurt others.”
Evan couldn’t listen to that. He stood up and quickly left that damned room and that damned house, bathing in the cold night air. His hands were trembling; he felt like vomiting even though his stomach was quite empty. Barty was like a drug and quitting him meant losing the ability to function properly.
Evan leaned against the dirty wall, ignoring people that were also outside either smoking or… busy with other things. He winced, disgusted, and after a moment of looking he finally found a quieter place to rest. He didn’t feel like himself anymore; something was deeply, disturbingly wrong with him. But Evan never claimed to be a good man. No, far from it. So what if Pandora was right? Was he really so wrong for leaving something that was hurting him? Why should he stick with something that clearly was ruining him, slowly and painfully?
Evan leaned against the dirty wall, ignoring people that were also outside, either smoking or… busy with other things. He winced, disgusted, and after a moment of looking, he finally found a quieter place to rest. He didn’t feel like himself anymore; something was deeply, disturbingly wrong with him. But Evan never claimed to be a good man. No, far from it. So what if Pandora was right? Was he really so wrong for leaving something that was hurting him? Why should he stick with something that clearly was ruining him, slowly and painfully?
If Evan was less ignorant, he would notice a weirdly eerie sound behind him, coming closer and closer. But too busy with lighting yet another cigarette. He didn’t fully grasp the moment in which a hand came for him from behind, pulling him painfully behind and forcing him to look back. Barty Crouch Jr was looking at him, and he was mad. Regulus was standing behind him, quiet as always. It irked Evan beyond words.
Against better judgment, Evan smiled. It was a weird, unnatural grin; wide enough to embrace his teeth. He met Barty’s eyes, not backing off for even a moment. “Hi.”
Barty looked at him coldly and it was honestly terrifying. Evan remembered thinking how he would hate being on Barty’s bad side, but now he was there anyway and it felt natural… and mentally agonizing. Something about his tone made Barty even more mad because his grip became painful and Evan could feel Barty’s nails digging into his skin.
“Do you mind?” He asked nonchalantly, gesturing with his head on his hand that Barty was very much still holding without sign of intention to let go. Regulus made a weird sound; something between gasp and scowl. He wasn’t smiling at Evan like before; no, Regulus’s mannerism was similar to Barty's
“Oh, what the fuck, Evan?” Barty choked out, sounding like someone who’s fighting with the urge to murder someone. And he was clearly drunk, so it wasn’t helpful at all. “What the fuck? Do you think you can just walk out on us? Pretend we are not here? You got a change of heart and suddenly, what? You’re ignoring us?”
To be fully honest, Evan was asking for it at this point. Pandora was right; he did kind of ditch them without a word, acting like he got bored. In his defense, it was either that or getting really, really hurt. He glanced at Regulus and then back at Barty, trying to free his wrist but failing miserably.
“Let me go, Crouch.” Evan said sharply, using more force to back off and yet, not enough to actually make a change. He wasn’t a coward and he wasn’t afraid to face mad Barty.
He was only afraid of getting hurt.
“So we are back to last names,” Regulus muttered, coming closer to look at Evan properly. His silent presence made Evan uncomfortable beyond words; it was even worse than Barty’s arduous grip on him. Even now, even when they were judging him, they were judging him together. It wasn’t just between Barty and Evan. How could it be? “I kept thinking, Rosier, you know. There we were, all three of us, happy and content. And just like that, you’re gone. You’re ignoring me. Ignoring Barty. You don’t even look at him. But at me… well, you do. I know those eyes, you know? Such hatred. My mother had those. My brother had those. I knew their reasons.”
Evan’s confidence was gone. It was easy to deal with their anger; they would hate him for a moment (or longer, probably longer) but they would move on. And honestly, at this point, Evan was considering therapy in the future. God knows he needed that. But Regulus was too smart for his own good. He probably had it figured out. Evan focused on Regulus because it was somehow easier than facing Barty, especially with the knowledge that if Barty doesn’t know yet, he will soon.
“I know your reason, too.” Regulus added, but he didn’t smile. Against Evan’s predictions, the younger Black wasn’t amused at all.
Evan waited for them to finally voice it finally, but they were silent. They just looked at him with betrayal in their eyes, and he felt so mad. How dare they? He was the one who was hurt. By them. Again and again, suffocating between them without any space for himself. And Evan tried—really, fucking tried—to be indifferent. To not care like he did. Pretend that he doesn’t want to rip his own nails out just because he’s dying for Barty, but there wasn’t a place for him in Barty’s life.
“Oh, fuck you. Do you even hear yourself?” Evan spoke coldly, annoyed that he was so transparent and easy to read. He was even more annoyed that his eyes drifted back over to Barty, who looked so ridiculously messy, but somehow it just added to the charm. “Not everything is about you two, okay? Maybe I just don’t want to spend time with—”
“Evan—” Barty gasped and stepped back finally, looking at him with a cold expression. It sounded like a plea for Evan to just let go and come back with them. But Evan couldn’t agree to that. He was miserable; his feelings towards Barty made him miserable. Hurt flashed on his face. Regulus clicked his tongue and asked with a weirdly stiff tone:
“What do you want, Evan?” And it was all Evan needed to snap.
“I want him, for fuck’s sake!” Evan yelled, gesturing at Barty and forcefully snapping his wrist back from Barty’s grip. “I want you, Barty! And I am so sorry that my departure is so inconvenient for you but I’m hurting, okay?! You two are so obsessed with each other—! I can’t look at it! I can’t have you so close and yet out of reach—!”
Barty’s anger melted, but his cold expression stayed. He scowled, looking at Evan, but for once, Evan wasn’t looking at him. He was pacing around, shaking his hands off to cool down. Now he was thankful, like never before, that he stayed sober through the whole night. Evan laughed hysterically, on the verge of mental breakdown. Loving Barty— it was hard. Painful. He hated loving Barty. He hated loving Regulus, who was Barty’s one true love. They were meant to be, really. Evan came after them. Evan was irrelevant; he...
Regulus avoided Evan’s gaze. “I’m sorry for making you hate me.”
They all fell silent. One look at Regulus. It was all it took for Barty to turn back to Evan with fury in his eyes because Evan made Regulus sad. For Barty, it was the highest crime.
“You felt left out, Evan?” Barty asked, slowly coming closer to him and, by doing so, ruining the thin distance that Evan tried to maintain. Evan realized he felt scared, and in a moment of desperation, he looked at Regulus. That only angered Barty more. “No, no— don’t look at him. I am here. That is what you wanted, right?”
Evan, once again, questioned his own type of people. Barty was crazy— but he was also passionate. He’d kill for those he loved. And honestly, after hurting Regulus, Evan was now ready to be murdered. Of course, thoughts about running flashed through his mind, but that was before he felt a rough tree against his back. With Barty before him, a tree behind him, and Regulus observing him carefully, he couldn't do much. Barty continued, “But instead of talking to us, you did what, exactly?” Unintentionally, Evan’s eyes moved to Barty’s neck tattoo. Barty snickered. “I see what’s bothering you. Do you wish to be included? To be mine? I can do all that, baby.”
Barty was quick, to be fair. Evan couldn’t even explain himself better when suddenly he felt sharp pain in his left wrist; his eyes widened, seeing Barty biting into it with such force that it had to be somewhat dangerous! Evan’s heart was loud in his chest, beating faster and faster. He couldn’t even process exactly what happened before it ended.
He saw blood on his wrist.
“Are you crazy?!” Suddenly so aware, he pushed Barty off. Biting till blood? “Do you even know how dangerous it is?!”
“Oh, you will be fine,” Barty answered, without any remorse or guilt in him. Evan really needed to see that therapist if it was really a man that he fell in love with. “And now you have what you want. So stop being a stupid bitch and just— come back to us, okay?”
“I don’t—”
“I’m different,” Regulus said quickly, before Evan could say anything. They both looked at Regulus. “I don’t feel sexual attraction. I can’t fall in love. There’s something broken about me, Evan. Now you know just how ruined I am. But if that’s what you need to know to not hate me—”
“You are not broken—”
“Regulus, I am sorry—”
Barty and Evan spoke at the same moment but Regulus stopped them with a gesture. “Later, okay? You two can coddle me later. Now, you should figure yourself out or something. I don’t care.”
He left and it was honestly even worse. Evan couldn’t stand Barty’s eyes or the fact he couldn’t guess what Barty was thinking about. Barty doesn’t look angry anymore, and yet Evan shrank away from him, holding his left wrist in hand. It’s over, Evan thought; there’s no turning back from this.
“I wish you’d told me.” Barty voiced it, sounding almost defeated. Tired, even.
“When?” Evan asked bitterly. “You’re always either with Reg or in someone else’s bed. There was never us, Barty. Only you with Regulus, and I were somewhere in between. It’s okay. I accept it now.”
“Well, I don't!” Barty snapped. “Because you never told me! Never even hinted that you—!” He took a sharp breath. “I just wish you’d told me.” Barty repeated it with much more force.
“And what would that change?”
“Everything.”
Evan covered his mouth, almost biting into his own hand to stop himself from sobbing. He just wanted to love Barty and to know Barty loved him too. Especially now, when he knew there was never anything romantic between Regulus and Barty. It was a need, pure longing for something unspoken.
Evan just wanted to love him.
“Barty—”
“No, no— I’m not sober, Evan. And you deserve to hear that from sober me, okay?” Barty’s gaze softened. It was a good sign. Forgiveness. “Let’s just go back now. Please?”
He reached out his hand towards Evan,
Evan accepted.