Reg,
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It wasn’t supposed to get that bad, wasn’t supposed to end that way. I’m sorry you saw everything– I know you did. I saw you standing in the doorway. And you weren’t supposed to see that, shouldn’t have to see that. Mother didn’t hurt you after, right? I’m sorry for leaving. I didn’t know what else to do. It was killing me.
Please let me know you’re okay.
Sirius
Reg,
Please let me know if you're okay? It’s been five days. I’m worried about you. I’m okay. Thinking I’ll stay with the Potters until school starts up again. I miss you, though. I think it’s probably for the best. Hoping things are better for you since I’m gone, too. I miss you, please write back.
Sirius
Reg,
I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have left you. I know that now. You looked so sad on the train platform, and I know that’s my fault. I’m sorry I left you alone with them. I didn’t think I had a choice, but maybe I was wrong? Maybe I should have stuck it out. I know you’re hurting. I hope you can forgive me. Please don’t give me the cold shoulder all year, please? I don’t think I can bear it. I miss you.
Sirius
Regulus,
I’m sorry.
Regulus,
Do you know how bad it was for me? Has always been for me? Maybe you’re angry because you don’t understand. How can I explain this to you?
I used to think it only got bad when I went to school, when I got Sorted all wrong. But the more I think about it, it was always bad. For me at least. I’ve never figured out how to be good for them. I was always too argumentative, too careless, too stubborn. I didn’t realize how afraid I’ve always been until I met my friends. I know you hate them, but hear me out. Fights last all but five minutes, rather than five days. Broken things are just broken things, not crimes against humanity. I don’t have to think through a sentence I’m about to say three times to screen it for insufficiencies and still be wrong anyway. I can just…be. I don’t think we got to do that growing up, Reg. And that scares me. I don’t want to go back. That night was so bad, but it was proof of something I’d suspected forever.
I hope you can forgive me, knowing this. Hopefully you can understand? I love you!
Sirius
Regulus,
How can I better explain? Please let me try to explain this to you.
Regulus,
Fuck you. How could you take all that I’ve told you and all that you’ve seen and still paint me as the one who did wrong in this situation? I was dying there. I was going to lose my mind– and you can’t see past your own selfishness to think of how much hurt it took to get to that point? You’re a selfish, cruel excuse for a brother. I can’t believe I wasted time trying to apologize to you, make sure you were okay after I fell apart. Fuck you.
Regulus,
Tell Mother I don’t give a singular fuck about her fucking tapestry.
Sirius
Regulus,
I’m worried. I know I’ve been harsh, and I’m sorry. I am working hard to process everything that’s happened and not be angry at you. I know we are just doing what it takes to survive. But I’m begging you to not associate with this movement Mother and Father are speaking about. I know it seems like it might be good, but you don’t know what the world is really like, being tucked away in Slytherin like you are. Might be good to get out of the snake den every once in a while and talk to someone who isn’t in their circle. I don’t want to make you angry, but I’m scared. This isn’t just political– this is a war waiting to happen. This is going to kill people. I’m worried about you. Please use some….what’s the bloody word…? Use some discernment. Please.
Sirius
Regulus,
Tell me it isn’t true. Please. I hate you. Tell me it isn’t true.
Sirius
Regulus,
I remember the day you were born, actually. You were so small, and I don’t think I thought you were real until you screamed. That scared me. You’ve always scared me. You were always so small and breakable and innocent. A part of me hated all that attention Mother and Father gave you, and a part of me feared that attention. I knew how they responded every time I stepped a toe out of line, and with their attention came scrutiny. I thought I could protect you, indirectly. I think I just made you hate me. You didn’t see that the times I acted out were the times you were so very close to getting in trouble, didn’t see the rage in Mother’s eyes towards you when I’d throw a tantrum, break a damn heirloom, or say something awful. I thought I was helping you, but I realize now I just made myself unbearable to you. It’s not your fault, I suppose. Isn’t that my job– to know this and protect your innocence? You shouldn't have to be scared of monsters, not while your brother is there, especially not when the monsters were our own parents. But I failed.
Regulus, it was too much, you have to believe me. It was killing me, and you refused to see that. Refused to hear what they said to me, see what they did to me, even when you were right there. At the table, in the hall, in the room. You just stood by, never moving, never doing anything. One of us had to act, had to move, and that’s always had to be me. I’m not sorry for leaving any more. It’s what I did to survive. Maybe I could have handled it with more grace, but I was a kid, and I couldn’t be the adult for you anymore like I’ve always tried to be. I couldn’t protect you anymore from the truth of what’s been going on in our family our whole lives. But when you finally were exposed to it, you closed your eyes. You said nothing. You went right along with them. Went right along with them to death.
You’re gone. You’re gone and you died thinking I hate you.
I never hated you. I think I loved you so much it looked like hate, or that I never loved you in a way that looked like love because, fuck, look what “love” was in our family. I’m not sorry for leaving. But I am sorry for lying. I’m sorry for shielding you from the truth, sorry for letting the lies become your reality.
I hate what you did. I hate what I did, too. But, gods, I’m going to miss you, Reg. I loved you so much.
Sirius