Remus had spent his whole life becoming intimately acquainted with pain, starting when he was 4 years old. He’d spent his life covering his scars with long sleeves and enduring the stares of prying eyes everywhere he went. He grew up overhearing the frequent arguments between his parents from atop the stairs, their raised voices echoing off the walls of the small cottage. They argued about him most. Lyall Lupin stopped being his father that first full moon as a child, disgusted with the fresh scars that marred his son’s small body, and too full of shame to look at him the same ever again. He never put Remus at risk or outwardly called him a monster, but the way he spoke about werewolves and what he did at work was proof enough of how he really felt. Lyall Lupin grieved his son as if he weren't right in front of him, and seemed incredibly relieved every time he left for Hogwarts. It seemed, when Remus was gone, the shame left with him. Remus felt like a stain on his parents lives, and he knew his parents both breathed easier when he was gone.
Hope Lupin loved Remus fiercely, werewolf or not, and she defended him to his father as much as she was able, despite being a muggle, but she couldn’t change her husband’s mind. She grew to despise Lyall for his coldness toward their son, and Remus watched as his parents drifted apart year by year, knowing that his condition was the cause for it. She loved Remus, but couldn’t meet his eyes after a full moon, and still flinches at his scars when he doesn’t cover them. Hope never knew how to handle what her son was turned into, but she did her best.
From the time Remus was 4, he was alone in his pain and the reason for it, as well as the reason for his parents' slow separation, though they never talked about it. Remus was well acquainted with pain and loneliness long before he made it to Hogwarts, and that didn’t entirely change when he met the marauders, but it did improve. James, Peter, and Sirius helped with the moons in every way possible, and they showed him unconditional love he had only known in his mother, previously. But that didn’t mean those years of pain were forgotten, that his mind could ever really let go of the fear he lived with his whole life.
So, he had these bad days. Awful days full of fear that dripped off his bones and a deep pain that seemed to press him into the ground, forcing all the air from his lungs and weighing down his every movement. They happened less when he was at Hogwarts, away from the choking guilt that didn't truly belong to him in his house, and away from the frosty air that existed between his parents whenever Remus was home. Sirius helped the most on those days, and so did James and Regulus since they had moved into the flat across from them not long after Regulus left school. The marauders and Regulus, now, were familiar with these states Remus would get himself in, and they were all helpful in their own ways at making things easier, even when Remus would refuse to ask for help. They might not always understand it, but they were always there.
James would order takeout and watch muggle sitcoms with Remus on bad days, laughing jovially and asking him various questions about the strange shows. He never asked Remus to talk about it and never pried, but Remus knew if he did want to, he always could. Regulus would talk to him about books, magical theory, or an engaging topic to get his mind off of things. Sometimes, Remus didn't have the energy to participate so Regulus would just tell him about the potions he was brewing at the apothecary and gossip from his work. Sirius would stick with him like glue, his mere presence soothing and calming. Sometimes Remus would have no words to offer, only able to cry and curl into himself, hoping to disappear. Sirius would always curl around him, a warmth at his back and hands splayed across his chest, just holding him and letting him cry it out. For all that energy Sirius had, he understood being paralyzed by your feelings and knew how to be a solid presence even in silence.
Remus felt the ache that burrowed into his bones before he opened his eyes that morning. It was just like that, sometimes, strange grief that sucked all the air out of the room, making his chest burn like he was suffocating and draping him heavily in dark thoughts. Sometimes it was because of a bad dream, and other times it just happened with no good reason or warning. It reminds Remus that the pain and loneliness he carried, never really got easier, he’s just learned to carry it better over the years. Learned how to keep it from consuming him too much, from clouding his judgment and pulling him to dark places he wouldn't be able to return from.
Remus turned his face into his pillow, pulling the duvet cover over his head as if he were trying to block out his thoughts. Though, it wasn’t always his thoughts that were the problem, he couldn’t always trace a pattern of thinking that led him to these bad places. Sometimes it was just a bone-deep feeling that he couldn’t shake no matter how hard he tried.
Sirius had gotten up already and was getting ready for the day, he worked at an auto shop, though he didn’t actually need the money. Alphard had left him and Regulus enough in his will, but Sirius loved it. He’d always loved working with his hands and putting things together, he was endlessly fascinated by motorbikes and cars. It was a good fit for him, kept him busy and made him happy, he usually came home with a wide grin and oil caked under his nails, excited to tell Remus about his day.
Remus hadn’t been able to find a job since they graduated, he’d had a couple of odd muggle jobs that he couldn’t keep due to the unexplained absences. Plus, people were often scared off by his scars, the ones on his face and neck that he couldn’t cover. It was hard enough to get a job and impossible to keep one. Sirius reassured him that he’d never have to work a day in his life, but Remus insisted on doing something, he desperately needed a goal or a purpose. He had so many aspirations in school, but to the world, to his father, he’d always just be a source of shame. Something to be hidden in the dark, a story to scare kids into obeying their parents, a dangerous creature to be feared.
It didn’t matter that he graduated with the best scores in school, he was kind and caring and wanted to be a Healer someday. That he was quite sure he could be a great Healer, because he’d been a patient so many times. None of that mattered in the eyes of the wizarding world, and he couldn’t do a thing to change it. The muggle world didn't truly accept him either, they were afraid of his scars, his tall, lanky figure and brooding face. They couldn't help but ostracize him for looking different.
He could hear Sirius brushing his teeth, tapping his foot to the Bowie song that was playing softly in the background, music spilling out from the open bathroom door. Remus watched him from beneath the duvet, attempting to focus his energy on the lightness with which his boyfriend danced around the bathroom, oblivious to Remus' anguish. Sirius entered their bedroom a few minutes later, tugging on a black band tee as he did, walking over and poking the lump under the covers.
“Mooony,” He said in a singsong tone, poking the unmoving lump again, “Wake up, dearest,” Sirius pulled the duvet back to reveal his boyfriend, curled into himself, muscles bunched up at his shoulders, and very awake, a hollow look in his sleepy eyes. Sirius' eyebrows quirked in surprise as he tilted his head to assess Remus with a curious look. Remus found himself unable to meet Sirius' eyes for fear of breaking down at the softness written in the lines of his handsome face, so he focused instead on the silver rings adorning his hands. Sirius sat beside him on the bed and carded a hand through Remus’ brown wavy hair, fingers cool on his neck. “Hey, did you have a nightmare?”
Remus shook his head, focusing on tracing the rings on the hand not in his hair, “No, I’m fine,” He managed to croak, though it felt a bit like pulling teeth, talking when his mere existence made him ache right now.
Sirius clucked his tongue, “Well, that’s not very convincing. Bad head day?” He asked, moving his hand from his hair and tracing the scar across the bridge of Remus’ nose lightly with the tip of his finger. Just gentle touches, soft reminders, and silent whispers of I'm here, I love you. Remus nodded, attempting to give him a small smile as if to say, I’m completely fine, no worries here! Based on the way Sirius’ frown deepened, he guessed it wasn’t that convincing. “I can stay home if you need me to, find a last-minute cover,” Sirius offered kindly.
“No,” Remus croaked, clearing his throat to try again, “I’ve got book club with Regulus later, I'll be fine here,” Sirius looked like he wanted to argue, but he didn't want to upset him further. He knew sometimes Remus just wanted space to feel what he needed to without having to answer to anyone. But he couldn't help the gnawing feeling of worry in his stomach whenever he witnessed Remus struggle not to succumb to his dark thoughts.
“Alright, love, I’ll keep my phone on me all day, so call if you need me," He gave Remus a stern look when he said it, knowing he is often too independent and stubborn to ask for help. "James and Reg are across the hall, so if you don’t feel well, go over theirs, okay? You don’t even have to explain yourself, Prongs will get it.” Sirius bent over and pressed a kiss to his temple and then his cheek, where another scar stretched towards his jaw, “Promise me?” He murmured, lips brushing his skin as he said it before pulling back to search Remus’ face.
“I promise,” Remus answered back weakly, flitting his eyes to meet Sirius' before looking away again, his expression too full of love and understanding, neither of which Remus felt he deserved. Sirius lingered a bit more before leaving the room and returning with a glass of water and some toast, making him promise to eat a bit as well, and triple-checking that Remus was alright with him leaving.
~
Remus lay in bed for so long his joints had started to ache fiercely, but he ignored it, having no energy to move. He managed a few bites of toast before he gave up and buried himself in blankets again, trying desperately to ignore the growing itch underneath his skin. Sometimes pain was the only thing he felt in control of. Everything else about his existence was hopelessly out of his hands, the anguish he felt from full moons, the monster inside tearing his way out and taking control over Remus’ body. The way people looked at him, talked about him, judged him. He knew he would have nothing if not for Sirius, neither muggle or wizarding world wanted him. He couldn’t control that either. But this kind of pain, that came from behind locked doors, from digging his nails in his palms or slicing open old scars, was something he could control. Maybe the only thing he could do.
The marauders knew of his bad habits, they’d found out around fifth year when everything with The Prank had happened. Of course, it was the last thing he’d wanted them to know about him. Remus was pitiful enough, and he held onto his shame like it was his burden to bear. But he became sloppy after The Prank. He was constantly terrified, desperate for control, for something to make his head stop spinning.
It was Peter who had found him in the bathroom, bleeding out and half-conscious, mumbling incoherently to himself, blade limp in his hand. Peter had shouted for James to help him, frantically trying to episkey every open wound but there were too many, too deep. It was James who had thrown him over his shoulder like a firefighter, running all the way to the hospital wing, shouting at Remus to stay awake. Sirius hadn’t been allowed in, though he’d seen James rush past him and followed quietly, face pale and drawn. James and Peter stood guard at Remus’ hospital bed if Sirius dared to visit him. But Sirius only waited outside the infirmary for hours, nearly tearing his hair out with worry until Pomfrey took pity on him and told him Remus would be fine. Not fine, but okay, medically.
Remus knew he could call Sirius, or just go to James and Regulus’ flat, he was meant to meet Regulus there in a bit anyway, but he didn’t want to. Sometimes, Remus was just so damn tired of fighting, his whole life was an uphill battle with the odds stacked against him from the beginning. There was relief in giving up, in letting go of the burden and letting everything fall apart around him. He knew the steps he was supposed to take to keep himself safe, memorized the safety plan Pomfrey had forced him and his friends to make years ago, and he knew that he could ask for help without judgment. Remus does those things most of the time, and it helps, but he has to want to fight it to do so, and reaching out is a fight that he has won and lost several times over the years. He stumbled his way to the bathroom, losing his battle the moment he got out of bed, and ignoring the buzzing phone in his pocket.
~
Regulus sighed as Remus seemingly ignored another one of his texts, glancing at the time and wondering what he was possibly doing that caused him to be more than thirty minutes late while living 6 feet away from each other. If he were James, he would’ve burst through the front door without warning after two minutes, but Regulus had more decorum, thank you, and chose to send his brother a passive-aggressive text message instead.
Regulus: Remus flaked on our hangout, was it take your boyfriend to work day or am I being ghosted by a werewolf?
Sirius called five minutes later, much to Regulus’ surprise. He watched the phone ring for a minute, brows scrunched in confusion, before picking up, “Wh-”
“He hasn't answered your messages?" Sirius interrupted without greeting, his words oddly sharp, "Did you call him?"
Regulus was more confused now than before, "Obviously not, what is your prob-" He sighed loudly as Sirius cut him off again, rolling his eyes at the ceiling, the hyperactive git.
"I need you to check on Moony,” Regulus sat up straighter at his brother's tone, his annoyance melting away when he realized that something was actually wrong. The words tumbled out of Sirius' mouth in an anxious ramble, “He wasn’t doing well mentally this morning and he promised to call or come over if he needed help but he clearly hasn’t and I left him there alone-”
“Alright, Sirius, take a breath,” Regulus made eye contact with James as he entered the living room, holding up a hand at his curious expression and listening to Sirius inhale shakily. James had the day off from teaching middle schoolers for a school holiday and had been taking a nap, curls mussed up and sticking in different directions. “James and I will head over there right now, he’s probably fine, taking a kip or something, and just forgot. Try to ring him now,” He pinched the phone between his cheek and shoulder as he pulled on some shoes, James right behind him, haphazardly pulling on a shirt, knocking his glasses sideways.
“Okay, I’ll call him and meet you guys there,” Sirius responded, sounding a bit out of breath and Regulus could hear the distant sounds of his keys jingling and a car door opening, thankful he hadn't taken his motorbike to work today.
“Drive safely, yeah? You’re no good to anyone dead on the side of the road,” Regulus added, waiting for his brother’s answer before hanging up and turning toward James, catching him up on the situation while he pulled on his shoes too.
~
Remus knew he messed up. His phone wouldn't stop buzzing, the room was spinning and he was losing feeling in his fingers. The problem was, after struggling under the weight of those thoughts for so long, the consequences of your actions can feel so far away that it can be hard to conceptualize what happens after. When your mind isn't so clouded anymore and you can think clearly again, it's like waking up after being asleep for a long time, suddenly thrust back into reality, and having to face what you've done. Remus was finally waking up, so to speak, and he realized he needed help, fast. The problem was, that his phone was on the sink, Remus was sprawled on the floor, too dizzy to attempt standing and his arm was leaking blood from several places. So, he lay there, slouched against the wall, cursing his weakness when he heard the front door open, a voice ringing out in the silence.
"Remus, are you home? You better be dying since you ditched me without a text!" Regulus called, letting himself into the flat and walking through with James in tow.
Remus let out a huff of air, faintly amused despite his dire circumstances because, of course, Regulus would say that. But as the footsteps came closer to the bathroom adjoining the bedroom, the panic started to set in, and eventually, Remus could hear Regulus and James outside the bathroom door and see their shadows through the crack at the bottom. His heart beat wildly, the idea of being seen in this state after doing well for so long made his heart drop like a stone into his stomach. He could so easily picture what it was like the first time he was found like this, and Remus suddenly wished he could take it all back.
"Hey Moons, doing okay in there? Reg was worried when you didn't come by, so we thought we'd just go to you," Remus didn't realize he had locked the door until James' voice called out to him.
Suddenly, he felt like throwing up, exposing his best friends to his mess again. He tried to drag himself back into a sitting position using the bathtub to support him, hoping he could get himself standing so he could do some damage control, willing the shaking in his legs to stop. Remus realized he had been silent for too long when James spoke up again, voice still slightly muffled through the door, "Moons, if you can't answer, we're going to have to open the door."
Remus stubbornly ignored looking at his bloody arm, tugging his sleeve down as if he could pretend it didn't happen. He barely managed to get his feet under him, black spots dancing in his vision, and shoving down his rising panic as he tried to figure a way out of his situation. "I- Just a minute," He forced out the words, sounding strange to his own voice as he reached out to grip the counter for support, trying not to throw up as he noticed his phone lit up and buzzing with Sirius' contact photo.
"I'm opening the door," Regulus said firmly, no doubt picking up on the distress coating Remus’ voice.
Remus reached for the handle as if he could stop them from coming in when he heard a quiet spell murmured, placing his hand on the handle the same moment the door swung open. Remus stumbled back, swallowing harshly, frozen in place as he watched them assess him and the crime scene around him; the bit of blood on the floor, red smudges on the bathtub, and the bloody razor abandoned next to the toilet. Remus swayed, unsteady on his feet with the weight of their gazes burning him and his head swimming with blood loss and hysteria. James scrambled forward, grabbing his forearms without thinking, trying to help Remus make it safely to the floor before he collapsed. But Remus hissed and flinched at the contact, wrenching himself violently out of James' grasp and losing his balance, sending him crashing to the floor in a heap. His hip took most of his weight and the pain reverberated through his body and already aching joints.
"Shit, bloody hell, Remus," James cursed, following him to the floor, hazel eyes wide behind his smudged glasses. Regulus stepped further into the room, standing behind James with a stern expression on his pale face. He looked like Sirius, they had the same frown lines between their eyebrows.
"Ha," Remus said, trying for a morbid joke about blood, but promptly burst into tears when he meant to laugh. He was embarrassed, he knew his face bright red and streaked with tears, but everything hurt too much for him to care. He was just so tired. "I miss Sirius," He cried, covering his messy face with his hands so he didn’t have to look at them. He didn't know why he said it, Remus had much bigger problems at the moment, but he really wanted his person to make it all go away.
"He's on his way right now, should be here any minute," Regulus said carefully, looking unsure of what to do. He had become close friends with Remus after Hogwarts, but had never actually seen him this upset, and wished his brother would get there sooner.
James slid closer to Remus as he curled in on himself, nestled in the corner of the bathroom. "Moons, can I touch you? I just want to see where the blood's coming from, mate," He asked, subtly reaching for the razor on the floor next to him and sliding it behind him without looking, hoping Remus wouldn't notice. Regulus vanished it wordlessly.
Remus shook his head, face still hidden behind his hands, "I'll just, I'll deal with it myself, okay?" He stuttered through broken breaths, chest rising and falling rapidly, "Please leave me alone, please,"
"You know we can't do that mate, but let us help you and Padfoot will be here soon," James urged, voice gentle but firm, holding a hand out to him but not touching. "Can you show me where you're hurt, please?"
Remus only whimpered and pulled further away, his brain screaming at him about how it was his fault, how his friends didn’t deserve this, he was supposed to be better. James looked over at Regulus, begging him silently to help. Regulus met his eyes, pressing his lips together in a tense line and stepping out to the living room with the intention of calling Sirius. Maybe if Remus heard his voice he would start to calm down a bit. As he was about to press the call button, the handle of the front door jiggled and Sirius came through in a whirlwind, eyes bouncing around the room before landing on his brother. Regulus grabbed his brother by the wrist before he could advance further into the flat in search of his boyfriend.
"Where's Remus?" He demanded, though his blue eyes gave away his anxiety, the edge in his voice was all thinly disguised fear.
"He's in the bathroom, but just listen to me a minute," Regulus started to say, taking another breath to quell his anxiety. He didn’t want his brother to go in there blind, was worried he’d be triggered for his own issues. "We found him there, and there's- James is trying to figure out where he's hurt, but there's blood on the floor,"
Sirius pulled his arm out of his brother's grasp, not waiting for him to finish and pushing past him, running to their bedroom where he had left Remus safely that morning. His thoughts were often moving at the speed of light, clamoring over the other and overwhelming him in his most anxious moments, and now was no different. Sirius couldn't think of anything else but his boyfriend as he ran, nearly slamming into the doorway of the bathroom, which caused both Remus and James to look up from where they were hunched over in the corner.
Remus' face was streaked with tears that made wet stains on his jumper, knees curled up to his chest as he shrunk away from James' outstretched hand. "Oh, Moony," Sirius breathed, unable to look away from the pain written all over his face. Remus only cried harder, and Sirius suddenly found himself kneeling next to him and pulling him into his arms, hardly recalling moving at all, just acting on instinct. Remus fell into him like he was the last source of water in a drought, a man desperate for a reprieve from his treacherous mind. "I'm here, you're alright, darling," Sirius soothed, voice turning a bit thin and high when he noticed the small amount of blood spattered around the floor.
"Sirius, we need to see where he's bleeding," James' voice cut through his internal panic, giving him some idea of where to start. Madam Pomfrey wasn't here to fix Remus up this time, but they've helped him on enough moons to know what to do.
Sirius nodded, pressing a kiss to Remus' hair before reluctantly pulling back and nudging his head so Remus would look at him. When he did glance at him through clumpy eyelashes still wet with tears, Sirius smiled as best he could through his worry. "Let's take a look, love. We just need to make sure you're alright," He murmured, smoothing some of Remus' messy hair off his forehead. But Remus scrunched his eyes shut and shook his head, pressing himself more into the corner and leaning away from Sirius' hold.
"No, I'll handle it, I'll-" Remus stumbled over his words with anxious breaths, pulling his arm closer to his chest, "I'm sorry, I'll fix it myself," He managed to get out, though the words sounded strained like the effort it took to speak the words physically hurt.
"Hey, hey, nobody's upset with you, love, don't apologize,” Sirius placed a hand between his shoulder blades, rubbing gently as Remus let out wet sobs. He eyed the arm Remus held to his chest, clocking the blood smeared on his fingers. “Alright darling, what if James and Reggie leave, so it's just us, would that be better?" Sirius asked, and Remus instantly nodded, taking a short breath that was exhaled too quickly, anxiety still rolling off him in waves. Sirius glanced at James, then at Regulus who had appeared in the doorway holding a medkit he found in the flat, watching his friend with deep concern in his furrowed brows.
"We'll make some tea for when you're feeling better,” James offered, giving Remus a sweet smile. He turned to Sirius before he stood, “Call if you need anything Pads,” Sirius nodded, hardly able to focus on anything else but Remus.
Regulus set the medkit next to Sirius and flicked the back of Remus' hand before straightening up, "I was joking about dying, earlier, you're not allowed to do that, we have books to read." He chastised without any real malice, trying to get him to smile, and breaking into a grin when Remus huffed out a laugh, relaxing a bit.
"I got that, thanks," Remus muttered, a sliver of a smile touching his lips. He looked worn down, hiccuping breaths and purple smudges under his heavy eyes. But he smiled at them anyway, small as it was.
The tension in the room gave a little at the quip, a much-needed release. Regulus squeezed his brother's shoulder on the way out, a small nonverbal sign of support. When the door was shut behind them, Remus’ expression wavered but he dutifully extended his arm to his boyfriend, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he did so.
Sirius' hand cupped his wrist carefully as he rolled up the sleeve, bracing himself silently for what he was about to see. Remus winced in pain, eyes stuck on the way Sirius’ hand held him so gently, despite what he’d done. It didn't look good, but Sirius found himself relieved that the wounds didn't seem like they'd need any stitches.
He exhaled, grabbing a bit of gauze and holding it tightly to his arm to stem the bleeding. Remus didn’t react much, only watched his ministrations, the room feeling too quiet for how loud his mind was. Sirius reached up to wipe a stray tear from Remus' cheek, drawing his attention back to him, "I'm sorry I wasn't here, love, I really wish I was." He admitted quietly, the words nearly whispered hit Remus as if they were shouted. He couldn’t understand why Sirius would apologize, but it made him feel worse, seeing his sad blue eyes fixed on him.
Remus’ throat clicked as he swallowed, trying to find his words, “No, I should have called, I was just-" He looked away from Sirius, fixing his gaze on the door instead, "Tired, I guess. I'm sorry I broke my promise," Remus sounded defeated, vulnerable in a way that he only could be with his boyfriend, and even that was rare.
Sirius made a sad little noise in his throat, squeezing his hand a little as he began to clean the cuts with alcohol. The strangled feeling in Remus' throat eased a little at the admittance, and he breathed a bit easier around the heaviness of it all. Sirius was quiet while he cleaned and wrapped the wounds, he could do it magically, but knew Remus preferred to watch the wounds heal on their own. When he finished, he brushed a soft kiss to the bandages on his arm before reaching up to cup Remus' cheeks, watery blue eyes fixing on him with a mixture of softness, love, and resolve.
"We'll help you swim when you're too tired, butyou have to let us, Moony," He emphasized, thumbs brushing away stray tears as he did, "I'm upset you didn't get help, but I understand why, I just- I need you here, with me, love. I promise I will help you swim whenever you can't anymore, I'd drown if it meant you could breathe."
Remus fisted a hand in Sirius' shirt, tugging him closer until he could bury his face in his neck, pressing a light kiss into the junction of his neck and shoulder, sinking into the warmth and safety of his arms. They stayed like that for a bit, breathing in each other and exhaling with soft kisses in between. Remus was well acquainted with pain, but he was starting to become acquainted with love too, love that surpasses fears and speaks softly over the rough parts of oneself. For tonight, it's enough.