coraline
"But Coraline doesn't want to eat, no
Yes, Coraline would rather disappear"
Among the common beliefs in Hogwarts, one was almost true: that The Marauders were a group of best friends. For Peter, it wasn't exactly like this. On his best days, he felt just like a friend, never the best one. At worst, he almost wished he'd never met them. Especially James. It was always about James.
Ever since Peter saw him on that train, ever since their first talk, he was mesmerized. Adoration wasn't even the right word to describe how he felt about James. Flowers bloomed in his chest every time James smiled at him, and James' attention to him felt like Merlin's blessing.
I wanna be just like you, Peter thought back then. Nowadays, he's not even sure if he still likes James.
On the worst days, it felt like hatred.
Peter saw through his rather dark thoughts. He was at the party; he should be enjoying it. And yet, he wasn’t. Truth be told, Peter was in the middle of hiding, somewhere further in Gryffindor’s Chambers. It was a place intended for keeping plants. No one ever came here. Peter was sure it was on him and the house elves that those plants were still alive.
And yet, he tensed when he managed to hear a very specific voice claiming that he was looking for him.
“Has anyone seen Peter?” Peter could hear James slurring, guessing he was stumbling around the party. The music was too loud, so if there was a reply, it fell on deaf ears. Whenever James was drunk, he had this strong feeling, this intense urge to find Peter. It was time for their midnight chat.
Finally, James stumbled around, trying to walk with his eyes closed, only to slam straight into the wall. James giggled and looked at Peter like he had the most cherished prize. “Pete! I’ve been looking for you. Have you been hiding from me?”
"If I was, I guess I was bad at it," Peter muttered dryly, not looking at James just yet. For now, he was making sure his favorite plant would be safe from those who wanted to throw up in it. Not on his watch. “You found me.”
He sighed, touching gentle petals and moved his wand slightly, casting some protection spells. It was easy to connect with nature through magic.
Now when he was older, all he could feel was resentment for how he was treated. Poorly. By his own friends. Which was— fine, he supposed. It didn't really matter. Not anymore.
Peter thought that maybe if he ignored James, he'd go away. With all those feelings living inside of him, a drunk and clingy Potter was the last thing he needed. But clearly, James was too drunk to notice Peter’s tone. He looked at Peter happily, coming closer to lean against Peter’s shoulder. For a moment, he was quiet. Peter liked him better when he was quiet.
“You know, Pete, I sometimes don’t understand why you hide from the parties.” James was trying his best to stay on track but the more he swayed, the closer he got to Peter’s face until he was basically whispering in his ear. "You're so warm and safe, Peter, too perfect for the parties. I don't know what I'd do without you."
More like easy and always available, Peter thought bitterly but didn’t comment on it. He knew better than to say anything now. James wouldn’t understand him, not really. Not like this.
"People don't really like me that much, James," Peter's face soured under sudden contact. He hated it. He despised it. "And I like being alone."
And Merlin help him, he loved every second of it.
James' words weren't exactly helping, either. I don't know what I'd do without you? What bullshit. What a fucking, nasty, disgusting—
Peter took a sharp breath. James was too drunk to notice. Gently, he nudged James to move him from his space. That was too much.
"Sirius is close by," Peter said. Honestly, he didn't know if Sirius' was close by, and currently he didn't care that much. He just wanted James to be far away from him. Especially tonight. "Go find him, Jamie."
James was swayed away by Peter’s push. He couldn’t help but find it funny, so he laughed. “That’s so wrong, Pete; everyone loves you. Marauder’s word!”
James continued to giggle but moved to stand. And Peter wished James would just leave him alone. Not today, he prayed to himself. A thought caused Peter to glance at James, only to find a fond smile aimed at him. “You called me Jamie. So cute. So, so cute."
James was clearly in his own world. Peter blinks and shifts uncomfortably. There was a time when he’d die only to receive James’ attention. But that was before he became bitter.
“See you later, Pete,” James muttered and left him, finally. Fuckin’ finally.
***
The next time it happened, Peter actually had a good day. He was more at peace. More calm.
Slytherins weren't so bad, which he discovered not so long ago. Barty was fun and chaotic. Evan was more calm, but always with that silly mischief in his eyes. And, Merlin, they never made him feel invisible. For Peter, that feeling was just like a drug. He chased it with all his might.
So maybe, just maybe, he wasn't around his friends so much. But it was all fine. No one would care. He was fine.
Peter sighed and looked at the table with snacks. Hufflepuff parties were the best, in his opinion. They didn't focus solely on alcohol but on food too. So now he was looking at all those snacks, thinking about picking one. Just to kill some boredom. Just to make this party more bearable since Barty and Evan weren't there.
On the other hand, James was having a shitty week, with Sirius becoming more and more obsessed with some secret person and Remus being so focused on studying more than ever. If someone asked Peter — which no one ever did — he’d say that it was actually related. Blind eyes would see it. But whatever, he had better things to do than care about who sleeps with whom.
James clearly didn’t. He found him, just like the last time, stopping Peter from choosing between cookies and something salty.
"I found you, Pete.” James grinned, looking in the exact same way he looked after winning the Quidditch match. He wrapped his arms around Peter’s waist, with his chin resting on Peter’s shoulder. Peter shrugged but didn’t exactly move. It wasn’t his preferable position but he was used to how clingy James could be after drinking. Besides, Peter was sure that James was working purely on instincts and he just wanted to feel better. “I feel like I haven't talked with you recently. You’re so good at hiding.”
"You have a map; why didn't you use it if you wanted to find me so bad?"
Peter couldn't recognize himself, sometimes. Barty was changing something in him, positively. Only now he discovered he can actually talk. He can use his words to voice what he wants and he doesn't have to put up with anything.
Studying with Evan made him smarter, too. Sometimes he wondered why hadn’t he tried that with Remus and then he knew; because of those fuckin' condescending look. It irked Peter. Evan never looked at him like this.
“Hmm,” James mumbled against Peter’s shoulder, not bothering himself with the answer.
He wished James' hands felt unnatural. He wished his own waist wasn't perfectly shaped for James' hands. It didn't matter that Peter was chubby. He matched James' arms perfectly.
But yeah, vision of going somewhere alone with drunk James? No, he couldn't do that. He'd do something stupid. James would do something stupid. "I'm uncomfortable, James. Let me go."
Peter rested his palm on James' forearm, trying to push him slightly into letting go. It was too intimate. It was too hard to be like this.
Peter felt James stiffen, and he finally pulled away from Pete. “Sometimes you’re so touchy, Wormy. Sorry, sorry.”
James titled his head, looking properly at Peter. He felt naked under James’ brown eyes. They were piercing, almost watchful. He was trying to figure out something and Peter joked that it would be better if James didn't think about it too much.
“I’m bored, Pete. Can we go?” James looked around. “I can’t find Sirius or Remus. I want to walk with you.”
Yeah, he couldn’t find them because they were hidden together. Peter rolled his eyes. He glanced at James, thinking about how to gently tell him off, when suddenly their eyes met. James was sad. It was a rare sight. “Pete?” James asked again, pleading almost.
"James—" Peter gasped and went pale, not that it was visible in dark lights. How could he not crumble when James was looking at him like this? How?
Maybe it was going back to his old mistakes, maybe Barty will have to patch him up again. But, Merlin, he had to.
Peter's gaze softened.
"It's okay, Jamie," Peter took James' hand into his own and pressed a small kiss on James' wrist. It was fine, right? He won't remember it anyway. Just a small gesture. "I'll just take you to our dorm. You'll rest."
But he knew there wouldn’t be any "talking" tomorrow. James will have better things to do. Like always.
James was — by all means — shitty and bad for him. Only for him. Peter found it sad, really. What made him so different? What was the reason behind James hurting him so badly while being an angel to others? He actually asked Barty about this once. Barty had to know, right? He usually knew everything.
He just doesn’t care, Barty answered back then, but me and Evan do. Join us later in the library, will you, baby?
It was like James was reading his thoughts and doing the exact opposite of what Peter wanted him to do. James just grinned at him and pulled their joined hands to his chest, lifting them up and kissing Peter’s hand back. It was a friend thing, and Peter tried to reassure himself. James clearly didn’t mind that it felt almost romantic. Because Peter was James’ best friend only when James was drunk. This was normal for them.
“Not tired,” James answered. “Let’s go, Pete.”
James didn’t wait for an answer as he dragged Peter behind him. For some reason, Peter felt like it was their secret. A secret James never wanted to share.
They heard footsteps in the corridor, so James pulled Peter into an empty class that actually looked like a comfy room. Hogwart was weird like that. It didn’t matter that the voices that came with the footsteps sounded like other students; James was too drunk to care. Anything that could lead them to detention was unacceptable.
James leaned closer to him from behind as they both looked around the strange class. He raised his eyebrows and actually smelled Peter, close to his neck. “You always smell nice, Pete.”
"Jesus, James—" God, what happened to the concept of personal space? Peter turned more to his side to look at James; didn't want to do that, but he curled his fingers in James' hair and slightly pulled him away from himself. It was gentle; enough to take James off his neck, but not enough to actually hurt him.
There was something strange about James' obsession with Peter whenever he was drunk. It was not something Peter wanted to think about now when he saw James smiling at him lazily while Peter was holding him by his hair. "Thank you. It's Barty's cologne. He has this weird habit of pouring it on me and Evan whenever he can."
It was a normal thing to do. Barty was his friend, after all. Evan suffered from the same fate: being forced to wear Barty’s cologne. And Peter didn't even hide that fact— he was actually seen with Barty and Evan non-stop. The rest just didn't care enough to acknowledge it.
James' eyes darkened slightly at the mention of Barty. Peter could almost sense James’ thought: Peter was supposed to be my best friend. It looked like James was trying to brush off the mention of Barty but he couldn’t control as his voice became tight.
“Like my hair so much, Pete? My, my.” It was the same tone James’ used when he was playfully flirting with Sirius but for Peter, it was just painful to hear. He cringed, leaving James’ hair alone but as soon as he did that, James was close again.
“How come you never ask to use my cologne?” James slid his nose along Peter’s neck with the barest of touches, but close enough to feel the shiver that went through Peter’s body. “You could use it if you wanted; you don’t have to smell like… him.” James said it as if it tasted sour.
Fuck. It was hell— it had to be. Peter felt hot; his blood was buzzing, and he really didn't want it to reach that one specific place. James wasn't making it any easier, no. And with his little jealousy act, he just made it all worse. Peter gulped, thankful for not whimpering in this exact moment, with James' nose against his neck. "Jesus, personal space, James!"
He'd lie if he said that he never fooled around with Barty, but Barty was Barty. He had his own specific love language, and apparently, making sure you're "experienced" was it. But friendly fooling around was nothing compared to this.
What would Barty do in this situation? Well, he wouldn't find himself in it, that's for start. But Peter was here, and he had to deal with it.
"I like smelling like him, makes being apart from him easier." Peter was drunk on his own hypocrisy. He almost laughed— Jesus, Barty would love to hear all that. It was bullshit. But if he could torment James a little... Well, it was only fair after all those years. "Besides, I never asked him to use his cologne, James. I told you, he just poured it on me."
As if Peter would ever ask about something like that. Sober James would shit himself if Peter actually went along with that thought.
Hi, Jamie, can I use your cologne to smell like you? Peter almost rolled his eyes.
“And what should I do to make being apart from you easier, hm?” James whispered, pressing his lips softly against Peter’s neck. Because he didn’t know anything about personal space.
“So what? Now you’re buddies with future Death Eaters?” James was definitely pushing too far. Peter could feel his own anger rising and, what was worse, his longing for James’ touch. “I know me and the boys were slightly absent, but—”
"Oh— fuck off, James!" Peter gasped and pushed himself from James forcefully, using his elbow to escape James' touch.
With the small distance he made, he managed to open the door and leave that strange room, forcing them both to face each other in a publiccorridor. At least they were alone. He had to catch his breath because he was almost sure he was slightly too close to a panic attack— it had been so long since he had one. Normally, Barty helped him with that. Evan was always there as well. Because they both cared.
"Oh, what the fuck is wrong with you! What the fuck?!" He was almost yelling, trying to keep his voice down. They were in the corridors, after all. James didn't act like James, today. Peter wasn't sure what made him that way, but he was being nasty.
All those years of yearning for James, only for him to treat it all like some kind of game? Just because Barty wanted Peter as a friend, suddenly James was interested?
Peter touched his necklace, looking at James with pain in his eyes. Betrayal, almost. Said necklace was a gift from Barty. If you'll ever need me or Evan, it’ll alarm us; he has the same one, he said. Peter was tempted to use it. To hide behind their backs. But he knew it would ruin him— at least in James' eyes. And Peter wasn't ready to be hated by the whole Gryffindor house.
James grunted in pain, clutching at his ribs. He looked confused. Out of the loop. Peter guessed that James didn’t even know what he had done wrong,
“What’s fucking wrong with you?” James was too stuck in his blazing anger to see the panic building in Peter’s mind. “Leave me here alone, then! Because you will, right? God, Sirius was so right about you!”
"What?! No— of course not!" Peter's voice was higher again. Like in the old days. Honestly, only James was able to bring Peter to his lowest. No one did that like James did. "I just don't like being— being touched like this, okay? God, fuck—"
Peter was packing around nervously while shaking his hands to calm himself down. He was still burning, yearning almost for something that would be a lie. He glanced at James, and he realized, darkly, that Potter was very sober now. So, it wasn't alcohol. The hell was his problem now?
James was always so annoyed with Peter being around. Well— no, not really. Sirius was. James just never said anything about it. But that was okay. Peter did them a favor by removing himself almost to the maximum, only to be punished for that now.
Did James even know? How deep are Peter's feelings? No, probably not. Peter wasn't obvious, and James was oblivious. Match made in heaven, really.
God, I miss Barty and Evan, he thought, trying with all his might to stay here, where he was. James clenched his jaw and Peter couldn't guess what was going on inside James’ head.
“ I feel like we’ve been growing apart, and I don’t understand it. And I don’t like it.” James' eyes flashed with guilt and sincerity. But really, he was only thinking of himself. He wanted to make himself feel better, and he couldn’t do that without Peter. Barty warned Peter that it would be like this.
James Potter is a sore loser, you know?
"James, I don't think—" Peter nervously played with his necklace. It was warm from the magic that Barty spilled into it. Comforting. Enough to make Peter speak up, even against James. "We were never really— we were never that great, you know? Even in childhood, we kinda— what I mean— sometimes it's okay to grow apart. And I'm still here. Just... differently."
Okay, he said it. As gently as possible. Peter realized that there was no longer any resentment in him. Bitterness, yes, but not hatred. It wasn't just James, or even Sirius or Remus. They just never clicked. And well, Peter allowed himself to be there, in a shadow.
And now, when he met people with whom he clicked... it was different. It had to be.
Shyly, he met James' gaze.
James could only blink back in shock. Peter knew him for so long that he could basically hear James’ thoughts. James wanted to protest. He wanted to fight again. He didn’t like this feeling of shame crawling up his throat. How didn’t he know this?
“I’ve called you my best friend since the day I met you!” James scoffed. “Me! Me, not Barty! Not Evan! We didn’t grow apart; you are just leaving. You’re leaving me like everyone else!”
“Stop, stop it! You’re so fucking mean, James, and you don’t even see it!” It was really offending how James was unable to see Peter. Really, really see him. The way Barty and Evan did.
"I'm not sure what you mean by like everyone else," Peter said dryly. "Look around next time. They all love you, James. Merlin knows I did too. But— sorry, but you cannot simply be that blind? It's okay. I don't think you ever liked me that much. Maybe you did. Sirius definitely didn't. Remus tolerated me. I was hurt, you know. I even thought—"
Peter hesitated. I even thought about joining Voldemort, for god's sake. He clicked his tongue.
"I'm not sure what you want me to say," Peter said softly, almost pleadingly. "It's okay. It's all okay; I'm better now. Why aren't you happy? Can't you be happy I'm better now? Finally, I like being on my own."
Finally, I'm brave enough to be on my own, more or less.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about! Peter, I love you, mate. You’re my family. How can I be happy when you’re clearly leaving me?!”
"Well, I don't love you like a family, mate!"
Peter didn't realize they weren't alone anymore. All that distress James caused him alarmed his necklace, and with it, Barty and Evan. He didn't even know they were already behind him, somewhere further, listening to the whole conversation with a sour expression and yet not reacting at all. It was time for Peter to speak up.
It was what Barty tried to teach him from the start.
"I was in love with you, James!" He yelled, bitterly, trying to find the answers in James' eyes. Even now, even after everything, he looked up to him. "My whole miserable life, I was in love with you! Don't you get it?! I was stuck, watching you choose people over me, again and again, but the moment I'm trying to choose myself, you're telling me I'm the bad one here? That's rich, coming from you!"
Their eyes met, and something crumbled. Maybe now James will realize why touching Peter the way he had was hurtful. Or maybe why Peter was the way he is now. Anything, really. Peter just wanted him to understand the shit he's been through.
"And don't you dare talk badly about them—!" Because no one, no one will speak badly about his best friends. "They were here for me, not you! Barty was the one that listened to my bullshit! Evan was the one that helped me get through classes, not you! Not Remus, not Sirius!"
“Peter, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry—” It felt like James was spiraling. James’ eyes were wide open, looking at Peter like he saw him for the first time. “You never told me! Never even hinted that you—!” He took a sharp breath.
"James—" Peter hesitated, stuck between the need to reach out and the longing for being finally free. There was no turning back from this.
"I think it's quite enough," Peter shrugged his shoulders, surprised by a sudden hand on his shoulder. Evan was standing close to him, like a shield.
Barty was there too. Like a sword. He felt safe with them. Out of James' way.
Will he be hated by Gryffindors tomorrow? Will his friends mark him as an outcast? He was scared, really scared. But it was easier to be scared with Evan and Barty by his side. For once, he wasn't alone.
"Potter," Barty hissed. "Back the fuck away. You've done enough."
Barty gestured with his head, and Evan gently nudged Peter to move. He wasn't sure where they were taking him now, but frankly, it didn't matter. It was too late to change anything.
But at least James Potter had the decency to not stop them for once.