why's it feel so good?
Remus had to sit down at Regulus’ confession. He stumbled to the couch and tried to take deep breaths. His heart was racing at this new information, and he didn’t know how to react. Regulus didn’t know what he had done because if Regulus knew what Remus knew, he would not be as calm as he was. Regulus probably wouldn’t even be alive if he was aware of what he had done.
The guilt had built up in Remus each minute that went by that he knew Sirius was Regulus’ brother. It ate at him like a virus, just biting away at his flesh until he would remain nothing else. However, there was another disease in him, and it was the one that made Remus forget that every time he was near Sirius. Every moment that Sirius laughed or rolled his eyes at one of Remus’ sarcastic comments. Each time Sirius kissed him or spoke to him about his books, Remus forgot what he knew. Remus forgot just what the betrayal he was committing was. It was treason. He would never be forgiven for this. But if it was so bad, God, why did it feel so good?
“You did what?” Remus breathed, trying to stall for time as Regulus stared at him blankly.
“I kissed James Potter, or rather, he kissed me, but the sentiment is rather the same. We kissed. Properly.” At Remus’ continued silence, Regulus spared him one last look before he went to the kitchen, likely to make a cup of tea as Remus didn’t keep his house stocked with coffee.
Regulus’ departure gave Remus a few necessary moments to gather himself because Sirius had been just there. Less than twelve hours ago, Sirius had been a few inches from where Remus was sitting, and now Regulus was in his apartment. Regulus’ suitcase was under Sirius’ tote bag, and he was in so deep. Remus didn’t know what he would do with this mess he had gotten himself into because being without Regulus would be like drowning but being with Sirius felt like breathing.
Oh, he had really done it this time. If he hadn’t been so preoccupied with the fact that this was his life and his disaster to somehow sort out, he would have thought it would have been a great plot line for a book. However, he did not appreciate that thought in the least at that moment, so he pushed past it and tried to figure out the best thing for Regulus. Remus was certain that coming clean to Regulus on this was not on that list, so he didn’t entertain that thought either.
Regulus returned with a cup of tea in his hands, and while he looked as normal as he usually did, Remus could see just the slightest inklings of something else. Remus couldn’t figure out what it was, and he wasn’t sure if that was because he just couldn’t read Regulus perfectly or because Regulus didn’t know how he was feeling either.
“So you kissed James,” Remus echoed, watching Regulus sit on the couch right where Sirius had been cuddled up against Remus the earlier night.
“James kissed me,” Regulus corrected, then took a sip of his tea.
Remus raised his eyebrows and slid onto the couch so his back was against the armrest. “I thought the sentiment was the same.” Remus turned back to teasing Regulus to ease the tension quickly building in himself.
“I’ve decided it’s important. As well as the fact that I was the one who stopped it,” Regulus revealed, staring at his cup of tea like it would tell him all the answers to the questions he had that he refused to voice.
“Why did you stop it?” Remus asked, even though he was confident he knew the answer, but he also wondered if it would reveal something he didn’t know.
Regulus shook his head like he was relieving it then and there. “Because it’s James Potter, and I hate him,” he said with little resolve.
Remus resisted the urge to laugh because if nothing were true, Regulus would still not hate James. Perhaps he thought he did, but Remus had seen Regulus truly hate things, and he had never hated James. Sure, he had been mad at James to no limitation and complained about him endlessly. He may have hated what James appeared to be in his eyes, the values and the messages James had meant to him, but he had never actually hated James.
“You were going to have to kiss him anyway,” Remus pointed out, not sure if it was the right path to take, but he would know when he got to the end. “Why is this such a big deal then? Were you guys just practicing the kiss?”
Regulus glanced at the ceiling, then the bookshelves, then his feet before he met Remus’ eyes. “Technically,” he grunted.
Now, that was intriguing. “What do you mean technically?” Remus pressed on, very interested in the way Regulus looked because he had never seen Regulus look like this.
His cheeks slightly pink, but his eyes red with anger. He liked James; Remus could tell. Regulus hated that he wanted him. It was burning him alive; that much was clear. Remus was free from his guilt for just a second to enjoy this because Regulus never let himself actually like people. It was common for him to begin to see the possibilities of getting attached and then run from them like they were guns.
“Well, we were rehearsing a scene,” Regulus explained aggrevatingly slowly, “in his hotel room, around midnight.”
Remus choked on nothing. “What?”
“It wasn’t like that,” Regulus insisted. “Then we got the kiss part, but I stopped that from happening and went back to my hotel room.”
A pause in his story led Remus to believe it was the end. “Okay? And then?” he asked because that was not the end of the story. Regulus wouldn’t be at Remus’ apartment if that were the end of the story.
“Then James followed me,” he continued, his voice rougher than it had been before. “He knocked on my door, told me we hadn’t finished the scene, and kissed me.”
Remus knew there were more significant parts to this that he should have focused on, and he was sure those were the ones Regulus was going through because Remus knew Regulus. Instead of those big problems with often paradoxical answers, Remus brought up another question, which would hopefully get Regulus out of his head.
“Well, did you like it?” Remus asked simply.
“I’m sorry?” Regulus sputtered, his cheeks growing redder.
“I asked if you liked it. Is he a good kisser?” Remus pushed, only slightly because he enjoyed Regulus looking like he was back in middle school with a crush.
Regulus groaned in frustration. “Yes, if you must know.”
Remus grinned widely. “To which question?”
“Both, you dick,” Regulus sneered, then threw the nearest pillow at Remus.
“So when’s that scene you guys were rehearsing?” Remus asked, giving mercy to Regulus but throwing the pillow back at him just as hard.
“It’s on Tuesday.” Regulus threw his head back against the couch in what appeared to be self-pity.
Remus found himself laughing even more. “Well, don’t get too excited for it. You wouldn’t want the press to find out about this,” he joked, but Regulus’ head snatched up.
A hand flew to his mouth. “Shit, the press. What if they find out?” he muttered. “Oh, shi,t I’m going to fucking drown myself. What if the world finds out I made out with James Potter?”
Remus ignored what was a somewhat concerning comment because Regulus didn’t mean it, and since beginning to see Sirius regularly, Remus had learned the lovely ways of the media. They were horrid and had no respect for anyone’s privacy. It was wild how people found a way of entertaining themselves off of other people’s lives and believed it to be fine. They didn’t think the people they were hunting were human beings. Remus had fallen victim to that before as well.
“First off, the press won’t find out. The hotel is protected from that. You told me what the studio did to avoid all the cameras so that part is fine. Also, the world will already find out you made out with James because it’s going to be on camera, idiot,” Remus explained rationally.
Regulus didn’t seem to like logic, however. “But what if the kiss looks too good? What if they know it’s not just fake?” he ranted, hands running through his hair.
“Then you’ll be revered for being an amazing actor. You have nothing to worry about with everyone else. There’s just one other thing that I would focus on,” Remus spoke, turning more to his teasing side again.
“If you say one more thing about what I was just coerced into admitting, I will release the first draft of your very first book to the public for everyone to read,” Regulus threatened.
Remus’ heart was back to being on a rampage because Regulus would actually do it. Remus held his arms up in a gesture of surrender. “Fine, I won’t mention it,” he caved but did it with a smile on his face.
“Right, well, I should get my stuff back to my place, but do you want to get lunch?” Regulus stood from the couch and walked to the door.
Following him, Remus smiled. “Sure,” he agreed. The small things like wanting to hang out with him told Remus Regulus that he actually liked him, even when he was threatening things worse than death.
Regulus pulled the suitcase from the wall, and his eyes caught on the tote bag. “Is this new?” he asked.
Remus coughed like the lies were choking him. “A guy I’ve been seeing left it over,” he responded as truthfully as he could.
A half lie was better than a whole lie, right?
“Oh, is it serious then?” Regulus asked.
Remus felt his heart churning in his stomach and his sense drop off a twenty-story building. “No, of course not,” he denied, like he had been faced with a degrading insult. His tone came out suspicious and incredibly guilty, and he must have looked it too because Regulus eyed him carefully.
“Alright. I won’t shame you for a casual relationship, Remus. I’m not a prude.” Regulus pulled the door open and gave one last look at Remus.
“Right,” he laughed nervously. “I’ll see you later.”
Regulus didn’t reply before he walked out the door, and Remus shut it so he could breathe deeply.
He felt a bit light-headed.
Oh, he was going to pay for this.