A school for monsters
Chapter Six
A School for Monsters
Remus sat on his windowsill and stared out at the falling rain. The droplets pattered against the window like soft, unrelenting footfalls. He liked it when it rained. He also felt the earth liked him better in a storm. Remus never matched the sun but he knew how it felt to cry. The rain also made him feel less lonely, like he wasn’t the only one trapped inside.
His parents were worried about him. Thought he’d be sad, as today was the day everyone else was going off to Hogwarts. He wasn’t. Just like he wasn’t sad to watch the Muggle boys go off to school. School was for boys, not monsters.
He was a monster. When he was first bitten, his parents had gotten him a dog to keep him company during the full moon. They had made the mistake of taking him to the shelter and letting him pick the dog himself. His mom had tried to direct him towards a happy brown Labrador. But Remus had been drawn to a yapping Miniature Pinscher.
The shelter worker had tried to dissuade him. Explaining that the dog was a rescue and had shown some aggressive tendencies and was soon to be put down. But Remus insisted. He didn’t find any comfort in the lab with the wagging tail, but he saw himself in that yapping Pinscher.
So they left with the barking dog in his kennel. Remus named the dog Moony, because, well, he was five and also his mom had this theory that naming something he loved after the thing he was most afraid of would make the thing less scary. It didn’t, but he had loved that dog. He’d spent hours sitting by his cage while Moony barked and snarled for no apparent reason. Remus slipped treats though the bars and spoke soothingly to the beast until finally he trusted him enough that he could open the cage.
That dog became his best friend. Moony was the best. His mother had been stunned when Remus came upstairs with the happy dog in his arms. She couldn’t believe it was the same savage animal they had gotten from the shelter. Remus remembered how he’d cuddle with him when he fell asleep. The sound of the bell of his collar, always right behind him. Moony even made his transformations better. He was no longer alone. Having Moony with him somehow helped stay grounded and know who he was.
But he was still the same savage dog. Anytime someone would knock on the door Moony would go feral. Barking like mad and baring his teeth. Remus would take him to his room downstairs and hold him until the company left. He could remember the scratch of his paws against his shoulder. His desperation. The fear of that little dog. Moony didn’t trust the world. Something had happened to him that had broken him. Made him a monster, but he was also an angel. He was both at once. The neighbors had all talked about him and the dog but Remus didn’t care. They didn’t understand, but Moony did and they had each other. It seemed to work out.
They had a couple close calls but everything seemed fine. Until he was seven and he let Moony out to play in the garden. Without realizing the back gate was open. Moony had charged straight through it after a little Muggle girl who was crossing their yard, on her way home from school. Moony dug his teeth into her ankle. Remus remembered hearing her screams. Running to the front and seeing the blood and knowing what it meant. He yelled for Moony to stop and he did, but it was too late. There was no way to take back what he’d done.
Moony was put down for the safety of the neighborhood[12] . It was fair, it was right. Still, it hadn’t been Moony's fault, it really hadn’t. He had thought he’d been protecting the family. But that didn’t matter.
Moony had taught Remus how it felt to love a monster. To look at something so good and so broken, and know that he tries but that it isn’t enough. He worked so hard to be good but that wasn’t enough. Because the world wants to be safe. The world has rules and those rules were not made for monsters.
Remus saw that pain in his parents' eyes every time they looked at him. He had had some close calls and it was just a matter of time until the back gate was left open. Monsters needed to be put down, but that’s hard to do when you love them. Action would be taken after the fact as his parents couldn’t bear to take it preventatively. So his parents worried and he waited, waited for the day he went too far. When he did something so horrible that even his parents felt ashamed to love him.
No, he didn’t miss school or the last three towns they had moved from and all the people who were potential victims of his future. But he did miss his dog[13] .
He wiped his nose on his sleeve as a hot tear fell from his cheek. Then he jumped as, all of the sudden, his door swung open.
The man who stepped through had a long, silver beard and a twinkle in his eye. His very presence radiated light and power. Remus recognized him—Albus Dumbledore, a legend who belonged in the pages of The Daily Prophet or on a chocolate frog card, not in a young boy's messy bedroom. Dumbledore walked into Remus’ bedroom and Remus couldn’t help but feel a spark of hope when the old man met his eyes. The headmaster was everything he’d ever imagined. The room seemed to brighten when he entered it, like the sun peeking out of the clouds, but his eyes held the sadness most people got[14] when they looked at him.
“Remus John Lupin,” he said, that twinkle still in his eyes. “You seem to have missed your train.”
Remus’s heart started pounding. He thought his parents had explained. What he was why he couldn’t go. The panic must have shown on his face because the headmaster held out his hand in a calming gesture.
“It is alright,” he soothed. “I suspected there would be some confusion and would be delighted to escort you personally.”
Remus climbed from the window and sat cross-legged on his bed. He didn’t know what his parents' excuse had been but it must not have been good enough. Not if he was here. There was nothing for it, he would have to tell Dumbledore the truth.
“I can’t go to Hogwarts,” he muttered. Not looking up. There was a soft creak as the headmaster sat down beside him on the edge of his bed.
“And why is that?” he asked in a gentle voice. Remus looked up and met those piercing blue eyes that seemed to stare into his soul. He swallowed and gathered his courage.
“Because I’m a werewolf,” he admitted.
The headmaster nodded, still smiling. “I am aware of your situation and have made the proper arrangements. Everything is in order. You will be safe at Hogwarts. Much safer than you are here, in fact.”
Remus stared back at him dumbfounded. He had known? Then why had he come? Perhaps he had not heard him properly. “I’m a werewolf,” he repeated.
“So I’ve heard,” Dumbledore said in an offhand way. “Would you like help packing?” He eyed the clothes sticking out of his open dresser. Remus opened his mouth to explain all the reasons why he couldn’t go but he choked on his tears before the words left his mouth. So instead he just shook his head and focused on his breathing, trying not to cry.
In spite of his effort the tears came and began to spill down his cheeks. He closed his eyes and focused on controlling his breathing. Then he heard the familiar sound of a tiny bell. He opened his eyes and saw the headmaster examining Moony’s collar[15] from his nightstand. He held it reverently and to Remus' surprise his blue eyes became oddly bright, as if holding back tears[16] .
“This collar has a story,” Dumbledore noted. “Will you tell it to me?”
Remus wiped his nose with his sleeve and didn’t answer. The headmaster watched him and nodded.
“I see. Then I hope you won’t mind if I tell it to you,” the headmaster said. Remus looked up at him, confused, and Dumbledore began:
“This collar once belonged to a very special dog. This dog was special for the same reason that anything is, really. He was special because he was loved.”
Dumbledore ran a thumb gently across the metal tag where Moony’s name was carved.
“Now dogs, much like people, must be understood before they can truly be loved. This dog in particular could not be loved by just anyone, as he was different from the other dogs. He knew the world for what it was and it frightened him and so he frightened others. That was—” Dumbledore paused here, then went on, “—that was until he met a young boy. A boy who was also frightened, but more than he was frightened he was brave,” he continued, still watching Remus with those intense blue eyes. “The boy took the dog and he taught him to be brave. The dog trusted the boy because he understood him. So the dog learned courage from that boy who loved him, and stayed brave until the day he didn’t have to anymore, when he left this world in the arms of the one who loved him the most. No ordinary dog, but a hero and perhaps more importantly, a friend.”
Remus sniffed.[17] The headmaster passed him the collar. “What are your thoughts on that story?” he asked.
Remus took the collar and wiped at his eyes. “It’s nice, but it isn’t true[18] ,” he managed, wiping his nose again with his sleeve.
“On the contrary,” Dumbledore gently corrected, “it is one of the truest stories I think I’ve ever told. I have been in enough stories to know how they go. And do you know what I think?” he asked, his eyes full of kindness. “I think that a boy that brave belongs at Hogwarts.”
Remus broke the headmaster’s gaze and twisted the collar in his hands. “Except the boy wasn’t brave and the dog wasn’t a hero,” he muttered, then looked up at the headmaster with red eyes.
“What were they, then?” Dumbledore asked.
Remus looked at the woven necklace. “They were monsters,” he said honestly.
To Remus’s surprise, the headmaster didn’t contradict him. Instead he looked thoughtful. Almost impressed, as if Remus had just said something insightful. Dumbledore nodded slowly. “Most heroes are,”[19] he agreed.
He still didn’t get it. How could he? How could this man, who everyone thought was so great and so good, know what it was like? To be afraid of yourself, to have your own parents look at you with pity and fear, like you were a rabid dog on a leash in a shelter, waiting to be put out of its misery? To be so scared every day, not of being hurt but of hurting someone, of what you could do, and to know you couldn’t even run because you were the monster.
“Monsters don’t belong at Hogwarts,” Remus argued, angry. Angry at the world. At the headmaster. At himself.
Dumbledore looked thoughtfully. “As it happens, I know of a school for werewolves,” he said, as if Remus had jogged a memory.
Remus furrowed his brow in disbelief. “Really?” he asked, suspecting it was some kind of joke.
“Yes,” Dumbledore declared. “It’s rather nice, quite large and comfortable. There is a monster that lives in the walls but it hasn’t killed anyone in over a quarter-century[20] , so you needn’t be worried. The headmaster there is a good friend of mine, though some say he is quite mad. He’s human, but I think you’ll find him to be very understanding even of monsters, seeing his father was a criminal and he may have inadvertently killed his sister in his youth.”
Remus' eyes widened in horror, but the headmaster pretended not to notice and continued, “But I think you’ll find that even monsters can be quite agreeable, when you get to know them. As even heroes can sometimes seem like monsters, when viewed in the wrong light. It’s a good school, a perfect fit for you, and the food is fantastic. In fact, if we hurry, we might be able to make it in time for pudding,” he announced, checking a timepiece in his pocket. “Now, where’s your luggage?” The headmaster jumped up and opened Remus’ closet. Remus stared at the headmaster in alarm as the old man began rummaging through his belongings. He couldn’t be serious.
“Wait, that's a real school? How come I’ve never heard of it? What’s it called?” he asked, incredulous.
Dumbledore stilled. Then slowly turned and looked at Remus, who for the first time saw the pain behind those bright blue eyes as the headmaster regarded him, smiling sadly.[MC21]
“Hogwarts,” he confessed.