17/3/75
Time has proven
That fooling yourself into believing a lie
Is the most effective way
To deal with things you have no control over
“Sirius likes me back, right?” Remus asked, seeking reassurance from James. He wasn’t even sure if James was actually his friend, maybe he was just friends with him out of pity. Maybe it was all just one big prank.
Jame shifted uncomfortably in his seat, avoiding eye contact with Remus before answering.
“Yeah, course.” That was a lie. Remus wouldn’t allow himself to fall into the spiral of questioning lies, though, so he just pursed his lips and nodded along.
He couldn’t control Sirius’ feelings, so maybe he could actually have a chance with him.
3/11/75
Keep listening to the mixtapes they made you
Overanalyze every single word you hear
"Was this a sign that things were going wrong"
No no, you were the one that cared too hard, not them
Why the fuck would Sirius ruin his entire life. He told Snape his darkest secret, all for what? A stupid prank? They’d only been together a month before he ruined it; it was inevitable.
Remus grunted as he pressed play on the mixtape, silenced sobs coming out in the form of salty tears down his cheeks as he closed his eyes and revelled in the aloneness. Maybe if Remus hadn’t gotten attached then Sirius wouldn’t of felt the need to do this to him, or maybe he never liked him in the first place.
Either way, Remus had to learn to be alone.
25/12/75
Stay up every single night staring at your phone
Either attempting to gather up the courage
To turn these demons, these constant reminders
Of your loneliness into nothing more than a bad dream
Or praying just for one second you could feel
The warmth of equally returned love
Remus was alone for Christmas at Hogwarts. His parents didn’t want him home after the prank, they had to of been ashamed of their son. Remus wanted to scream as the silence began to get to him. He didn’t want to be in a completely silent room, he didn’t want to be in a silent life. It wasn’t fair.
His life was ruined because of the prank, and yet he still felt punished. Maybe it was all just a nightmare, maybe none of this was real. Or maybe everything had just gone to shit.
14/2/76
Go out for coffee four times a week by yourself
Always bring your notebook, never stop writing
Leave little comics and thank you notes with your tip
Watch them smile as you get in your car
Remus sat in the cafe window, sipping on his hot tea with a blank face. His gaze was vacant, his hands were cold. He picked up the quill in which he had brought, dipping it into the ink pot and wincing at the scratching noise in which it made.
He drew a stick man, trying to make it look as similar to him as possible. He included his curls, his scars, even his grandma jumper. The only things that he didn’t include was his frown, the stained tear marks, the heavy eye bags from sleepless nights contemplating wether life was even worth living.
He placed a five pound note with his coffee, leaving a three pound tip as he left and began walking away. He turned back only once, just to see the face of the waitress which picked up his piece of parchment and shared it with her coworkers.
1/5/76
Talk down on yourself whenever possible
My life is shit because I deserve it, right?
You must have done something real bad
Its nearly impossible for you to cry now
Remus sobbed his heart out into his pillow, clawing at the skin around his nails like a rabid beast. He would rip locks of his hair out, and scream until his throat burned. He had to have done something to deserve feeling his awful, this had to be some sort of punishment.
If only he knew what it was.
Soon enough, he had ran out of tears, and was just left as an empty vessel of bones, blood and flesh.
8/9/76
Avoid your friends for weeks even though
They're the only sense of consistency you have
Left in your life, if they really wanted
To see you they'd come, but they won't (who cares?)
Remus had finally made up with his friends, it had been a quick exchange in the common room. They weren’t actually his best friends again, although they tried to be. Remus would constantly avoid them, going to sleep before they were back and waking up hours before them.
He would randomly stroll around the corridors, aimlessly staring at the blank, brick walls. Nobody would chase him, though. Nobody tried to find him anymore, none of his friends cared.
Remus was now just the weird kid with the scars to everybody in the school, again.
31/10/76
Allow yourself to lose interest in the things you love
Watch as you begin to take a backseat
To the world around you, don't fight it
Become a secondary character in your own motion picture
Remus didn’t read or write anymore, he just stared. He didn’t stare at anything specific, whether it be a ceiling or a random wall, he would just turn off.
It wasn’t like he was daydreaming, he was just fading away from the world, mentally for now until he physically was removed. He watched as everybody lived out their teenage years around them, being the main characters in both their and his life.
25/12/76
But most importantly
Drown every single one of your feelings
In old stolen rum
Learn to love the taste of it dripping down your throat
Find comfort in the warmth coming from your stomach
You're drinking bottled love now
Remus began buying cheap vodka from the corner shop and drinking away his thoughts. The burning sensation in his throat was the only feeling which he could have now, other than when he was smoking his lungs away with a cigar.
“We’re worried about you, man.” Peter admitted to him one random night as Remus was taking a swig of his cheap whiskey.
“Yeah, you’ve really gone downhill.” Sirius commented, as if he wasn’t the exact cause of Remus’ downward spiral. The amount of sleepless nights which were taken up by contemplating whether he should wake up tomorrow morning were all Sirius Black’s fault.
“Fuck you, Black.” Remus spat, as he pulled himself off the bed and stormed out of the bedroom, glass bottle in one hand and lighter in the other. His cigarette box was tucked into one of his trouser pockets.
1/1/77
You don't need other people to drive away your loneliness
You just needed to find a way to talk to it