What We Leave Behind

Regulus

It’s been two days since the party, and Regulus is all over the place. He thinks about how absurd it is that he had planned on having a calm night— at least that’s what he said to Barty —and ended up having the best night of his life in that blurry cascade of events.

He remembers it by flashes. Like memory shots that make no sense, but somehow it all worked out.

He remembers catching James looking at him multiple times through the night. The shimmering of his glasses, the big brown doe eyes behind them. The grins. He could even swear he saw him wink at him more than once. He remembers every shot James took. He counted them one by one: two firewhiskeys, a glass of crimson wine, a shot of something he couldn’t see, and the last shot of brandy before slamming the glass on the table, and walk towards Regulus holding the type of gaze that would melt every cell in your body until you’re one with the floor.

He doesn’t remember the conversation they had. He just knows at some point they were heading upstairs. He remembers the clothes falling to the floor. He remembers the giggles and the moans. He remembers the moon, the stars. He remembers the sun.

He also remembers freaking the fuck out when he heard steps coming up the stairs, and the laughs and silly comments that could only be Sirius’. He got out of bed so fast he got a little dizzy, put on his pants even faster, and got the hell out of there as soon as Sirius slammed the bathroom door shut and started to throw up.

He has deliberately been avoiding Sirius and James ever since. Sirius, because he doesn’t quite know how he’s supposed to look at him after that night. Knowing what he knows about his friendship with James, the news would make him lose his collective shit.
As for James… Well, he doesn’t really know why he’s avoiding James. He doesn’t want to have a conversation about the whole thing because it could go so terribly wrong he just… Well, he doesn't want to give it much thought and end up getting the wrong idea or making up some stupid love story. That would be naive. But his mind clearly has other plans. He can’t stop thinking about it. About him. What they did. How it felt. Because he can’t deny it was fucking amazing.

He has had relationships and has done this type of thing before, but never like this. Never when it had a meaning to it. When he actually couldn’t contain himself and every kiss and every touch filled him completely and meant something.

But that’s the thing, isn’t it? It meant something, but he doesn't know what it meant. He won’t know until he talks to James. But he’s too afraid of the answer. Too afraid that it only happened because of the four shots and the glass of crimson wine. So he’s holding on into not knowing. He will talk with James, eventually. He knows he will. He just needs some time to just… be happy about it and oblivious to the truth for a bit.

So he’s heading to class. Walking like nothing changed. Like James Potter isn’t living in his head. The corridors are fairly empty— he's early again. So he waits outside Slughorns’ class, sitting crossed-legged on the floor, mind in everything but potions.

“Ah! Mr. Black! I see you are early once more,” the professor teases eagerly standing in front of him. When did he get here? “You must really like my class.”

“You know I do, Professor,” he lies, forcing himself to smile. He has been getting early to every class since he was eleven. He just doesn’t like being late.

“Well done then. You see, I have been wanting to find someone to help with a hypothesis of mine,” he says, and there’s something to the way he says it. An attempt to sound intriguing, but sounding desperate, nonetheless. Regulus doesn’t have the time for this. And he’s pretty sure that shows in the way he looks at the man with absolute indifference, “Will you come with me to the forbidden forest this Thursday night?” he asks, oblivious to the boy’s sharp look. “You won’t get into any trouble if you are with me.”

Regulus has to admit, he was not expecting this. And the surprise in the proposal makes him sort of want to know why on Earth would Professor Slughorn be asking him to go to the forbidden forest, midnight, on such a specific day. So, even though this is probably a terrible idea and he will most likely get killed, he forces a smile once again “Sure thing, Professor,” but just in case— “May I ask, what do you need me to go to the forbidden forest for?”

“You shall find out when the time comes, Mr. Black. You shall find out.” and that’s all he says, waving a hand in the air, and then he gets into the class and holds the door for Regulus to come in after him.

Well, he thinks to himself, whatever doesn’t happen to me…

***
James

James is starting to feel really stupid at this point. Two days ago he was kissing the fuck out of Regulus. Quite literally on top of him. And now he’s looking for him, wandering around a castle full of people who couldn’t even begin to imagine what they did. He likes the power he feels because of that; the knowledge only he has. Only he knows what Regulus’ lips taste like. He knows sounds Regulus can make that no one else has ever heard. He knows every inch of Regulus’ body as if it was his own. All thanks to one night. One night that was enough for him to register every detail of him like his life depended on it.

That night was supposed to change everything— keyword: supposed. It’s been three days, and James hasn’t seen Regulus at all. Hasn’t seen his lips. Hasn’t heard his voice. Hasn’t seen any inch of him. It’s been two days. And he is going mental.

He spends every free minute he gets— which aren’t much, between quidditch practice, studying for the incoming exams, preparing the next marauders’ great prank and avoiding Sirius at all cost— when he isn’t doing any of that, he is looking for Regulus.

They have to talk about what happened. They will. And James knows for a fact that Regulus is not going to come to him. He knows him well enough by now. He knows, and he understands, because he’s going through the same thing. He’s so very scared that Regulus might regret what they did. That he might never want to have anything to do with James ever again. That they saw the sunrise, and then he left, and he’s never coming back. He’ll never come back. His lips were so smooth. He’s gone. He kissed you back. He left you. Would have he stayed the night if Sirius hadn't come? It is your fault. I’m in love with every ring in his hands. He doesn’t like you. He never did. Never will. And that’s everything James has been able to think about for the last three days. And it’s all he thinks about while he heads towards the Slytherins’ Tower for the fifth time today.

“Prongs!”

He turns around, snapping out of his daydream, and instantly frozen on the spot as Sirius makes his way through the students in the corridor.

“Hey! I feel like I haven’t seen you since forever, mate!” Sirius says once he's joined him in the middle of the corridor, bending over himself and breathing heavily from the run, “Almost looks like you’ve been avoiding me since the party.” and when he looks up to hold his gaze at James, he knows he’s fucked.

James knows that look. He invented that look; eyebrows a little lifted, eyes shimmering with absolute delight, a grin that could only mean one thing: he knows something. He knows something happened at the party and he knows it has something to do with someone else, that much is clear just by the way he looks at James. It is also clear that he doesn’t know the other person is Regulus, or James would already have a black eye.

“Don’t be stupid,” he says, trying very hard for the laugh he forced not to sound too fake, “Why would I be avoiding you?”

“Well, Jamie, if I had to guess…” and once again, James knows his fucked as Sirius straightens himself and scans him head to toes twice before stoping at his eyes and raising his eyebrows, making that stupid face he always makes when he’s about to start making fun of him, “I’d say it has something to do with the hickey in your neck.”

Oh, you’ve got to be shitting me. He doesn’t even remember Regulus going for his neck...

“I… Uhm— Yeah, well…” he can't figure out what to say. What do you say when you fucked your best friend’s little brother and he— who doesn’t and can’t know, has just pointed out a hickey you didn’t even know you had? “I’m big enough to do whatever I want with whoever I want at a party.” What the fuck was that!?

Sirius’ face has no price at the moment. His eyes opened so much they look like they want to crawl out of his skull. His hair covering messily the sides of his face. His mouth slightly opened and his head a little hung down. “You did what with who!?”

James just stares at him for a little while, thinking of something that would get him out of there. Oh… how do I always end up in this type of shit? “Yeah… Don’t worry about it.” he blurts out, waving a hand in the air, because that’s the only thing he could think of.

“What!?” Sirius shouts, and everyone in the corridor looks at them for a second, “Since when are keeping things away from me? And since when are you getting laid with someone I don’t know about? Did you like them and you didn’t tell me? You wouldn’t do that. Right? No. No, you wouldn’t.” and he genuinely looks worried now, before he opens his eyes wide again and slams his hand to cover his mouth with a gasp, ”For Merlin's sake, please tell me you weren’t harassed or anything.”

“What the fuck, Sirius! No, I wasn’t harassed! Merlin…” he’s trying so hard not to laugh— or cry. “And don’t act so surprised I was with someone, alright? I’m a very desirable guy in this school, for your information.” he fills with pride, because it’s true. He might only have eyes for Regulus, but he knows people pay attention to him. They are not subtle about it. And to be fair, he does follow that reputation. Even if Sirius doesn’t know a thing about it. And James intends to keep it that way.

“No, I know that.” Sirius replays like he actually knows this firsthand, “What I didn’t know was that you had your eye on someone.”

“I don’t tell you everything, Pads.”

And now he just looks offended. Like, genuinely, utterly offended. Like broken-hearted offended.

“Oh, come on… Don’t be like this… You know more about me than anyone,” he sighs and rolls his eyes as he starts walking again, “There's just some stuff I’d like to keep for myself and the people involved only.”

“Bullshit!” he bursts out, raising both hands in the air, “I’m your best friend! I’m allowed to know who you have sex with!”

“Never said anything about sex,” he’s starting to feel his face heat up just by talking about this with Sirius— mainly because his mind can’t help going back to Regulus’ smile, and Regulus’ hips, and Regulus’ lips, and Regulus’ moans…

“So you’re telling me you didn’t fuck anyone at the back to school party?” Sirius teases, scanning him all over again.

He hesitates. He doesn’t want to lie to him in the face. Big mistake.

“So you did!” Sirius is for sure enjoying this.

James isn’t. He needs to get out of there. So he does. He just turns around and heads to the Slytherin’s Tower from the long path. He really needs to find Regulus soon.

He doesn’t

He doesn’t get to see him until night. When he finally came from wherever he was and let him stay the night at his dorm, under the only condition they didn’t talk about everything. They’d leave it for tomorrow. And James is actually fine with that.

***
Sirius

“You know what pisses me off the most?” Sirius says as he enters the dorm, where Remus is reading one of those absurdly long books that he has, and Peter is trying to figure out how to do his Astronomy homework, and James is nowhere to be seen. And, actually, Sirius is now realizing that he hasn’t seen James since their conversation yesterday. He wasn't in bed when Sirius fell asleep, and he wasn’t there when he got up. He missed breakfast and there’s two hours left for lunch and still no James. Did he even sleep in their dorm? “He knows what he’s doing. He knows I’m dying to know and he’s doing it anyway,” he explains before dropping himself by Remus’ feet in the bed, laying face down with his legs hanging from the edge. He lifts up his head and looks at Remus with puppy eyes, “he wants to kill me, Moony. He's evil.”

“And we’re talking about…” Remus says without raising his eyes from his reading.

“James! He won’t tell me what happened at the party!” he rolls over to his side to look at Remus, even if he won’t look at him, “But he has a hickey.”

“Well… then it’s pretty obvious, innit?” Remus says bluntly, like this is a very stupid conversation.

“Yes, he hooked up with someone, that much is clear. But with whom?”

“And why the fuck do you care? If he didn’t tell you then it’s probably because it has nothing to do with you. You don’t have to know everything James does, Sirius, you’re not his mother,” he still hasn’t looked away from his book.

“Precisely because he hasn’t told me! If it had nothing to do with me, he would have told me right away so we could both laugh about it, but he didn’t. Which means there’s a reason he doesn’t want me to know. Which makes me want to know it even more!” he explains as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“This is going to blow on your face.”

Sirius sits up, crossed-legged in the bed and looks at Remus, trying to analyze him with frowned eyebrows, ”And why the hell are you so bitchy today?”

Remus just rises two fingers at him and keeps on reading.

“Full moon’s on Thursday” Peter explains from across the room.

“There’s still no need to be so mean.”

“Get over it, Black.”

“Suck me, Lupin!”

Remus slams his book shut and incorporates himself to get dangerously close to Sirius, leaning forward, and everything in Sirius is telling him to get the fuck out of there before he does something stupid.

“Anyway,” he clears his throat and looks away— to literally anything else. He can still feel Remus smiling at him in satisfaction. “Who d’you think he made out with? Because I’m pretty sure it was Lily.”

Remus shuts his eyes closed and starts shaking his head, “Why would you ever think it was Lily?”

“Well, think about it! They’re always together, they’re very close. And she is very pretty. And she also left early from the party.” He assures with confidence, and at this Remus starts laughing helplessly

When he finally calms down a little, he shakes his head again, “I don’t know who it is. And I don’t care. If I had to pay attention to all the people James makes out with I’d loose my fucking mind.” he says leaning back, “That little bastard has a kiss count so high it’s probably not healthy at this point.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? Prongs doesn’t—” And then it clicks. All the times he says he’s going to the loo and comes back half an hour later with his hair even more messed up than it was when he left. All the people that smile and wink and awkwardly say hi to him in the corridors. All the cheering in the quidditch matches… “holy SHIT! THEY GUY’S A FUCKING WHORE!”

“Oh, this is gonna be fun as shit!” Peter burst out laughing and Remus starts giggling too as Sirius gets up and grabs the map to check where James is, so he can go find him and ask why the fuck he didn’t know about this side of him.

As he grabs the map and starts saying the words, Remus snaps it away from him, “What the—”

“I wanna know how long it takes you to figure this out without this.”

“Why?”

Remus looks at him bluntly with an expression Sirius can’t fully figure out, before smiling at him and saying “More fun.”

Oh, what a prick, he thinks, I’d punch him if I didn’t know he could kill me if he wanted.

He gets up and heads to the door, only turning around before closing it to take one last look at Remus. Just to look at him. Just to leave with a smile.

***
James

“Sirius, just drop it, please,” James snaps as they make their way through the corridor.

Sirius has been following him around for days. To be fair, their last conversation didn’t really help, and James has been avoiding him ever since. But somehow Sirius always seems to find him, even without the mat, which James is sure he doesn’t have, or he’d already figured everything out. He supposes Remus has it, and therefore he knows. He also knows Remus won’t say a word. So he’s not worried about that.

“I know something happened at the party, I’m not stupid! And I talked to Remus, I know about the ‘fuckboy shit’ you have going on. I just don’t understand why you won’t tell me about it,” Sirius looks desperate. Starved of the truth. Little does he know what the truth would do to him.

“You— Wait what? My ‘fuckboy shit’?” he bursts out laughing, out of pure embarrassment as his cheeks start to burn. He really didn’t want Sirius to know about that, “I’m sorry I ruined your vision of me being a sweet angel, Sirius, but I have a life,” he doesn’t like talking to Sirius like that, but he can’t really help it. He doesn’t have a clue how to interact with him knowing what he’s done, and the aftermath it would have if Sirius found out in the wrong way. “Ok, yes. Something happened at the party but I really don’t want to talk about it. Not right now.”

“Oh come on! Just tell me—”

As if the universe was trying to give Sirius a hint, Regulus interrupts his brother, clearly having seen James’ face of absolute desperation, “Give him a rest, Sirius. He looks exhausted.”

“Ferme ta gueule, Regulus. Don’t you have someone else to bother?” Sirius spats, rolling his eyes. (“Shut the fuck up, Regulus.”)

“Mais te déranger est plus drôle,” he grins at his brother and goes back to look at James, instantly softening his gaze,”besides, I’m just here for the gossip. Watching you two argue about something is a marvelous event I’m not willing to miss for anything in this world.” He winks at his brother and gives James a blink-and-you-miss-it smile. (“But bothering you is much more fun.”)

“There’s no gossip, Reg,” Sirius rolls his eyes again. He does that a lot when Regulus is around, James has noticed. “Well… There is, he just won’t tell me about it,” he corrects himself, giving James a sharp look. “Though I’m pretty sure I can imagine what it is.”

“You can’t,” James assures, looking at his feet for the mere purpose of not looking at Regulus.

“Really? Because I think it’s pretty clear what happened at the party.”

Regulus opens his eyes so much James worries they might pop out. “Uhm… What happened at the party?” his voice is shaking so much. He looks actually terrified.

“Nothing.” James says, perhaps a little too quick.

“Well yes, if by ‘nothing’ you mean you definitely made out with Lily…” Sirius says and sighs. Or maybe it was a laugh.

“Ok, and here is when I leave.” Regulus just turns around and starts walking, looking genuinely furious.

Fuck you, Sirius, I’ll have to deal with that later, mate.

“Well, that was something” Sirius says, utterly oblivious of what just happened.

***
Sirius

“Oi, Padfoot!” Remus looks like he just had the time of his life all at once as he walks towards Sirius and James in the middle of the corridor, “Why did your brother just straight up came to me in the middle of the corridor and said you were, and I quote, ‘a stupid little shit who can’t catch a sing or know when to shut the fuck up’ and then just left murmuring something about killing Lily?”

“What?” Sirius blinks very hard and looks at Remus bluntly, trying to find answers. His eyes are shining with something he can’t figure out, and has a wide smile on his face that isn’t helping him focus, really.

“Ok,” James smiles, and Sirius has never seen a smile so fake in his life. “I— umm— library? Yeah. That.” He points the back of his shoulder with both thumbs, spins around himself, and just fully sprints through the corridor in such a clumsy way it’s hilarious to look at it.

“Honestly, what the fuck is going on?” Remus starts laughing in absolute disbelief.

“Ugh, I don’t know.” Sirius crosses his arms and looks right at where James just left. “I don’t like not knowing, Remus.”

“I mean, James does do weird shit like that every once in a while, but your brother really did look pissed.” And now Remus just looks— worried.

“Yeah, probably.” He sighs, “He’s always pissed about something, don’t worry about it.”

“So you’re not gonna do anything?”

“Well— no.” When Remus frowns his eyebrows, Sirius feels the need to explain, “Look, I’ve known my brother for enough time already to know he always does this, ok? He gets mad about something stupid and then he gets mad at himself because he knows it was stupid and he projects it into other people because he’s a little shit and doesn’t know how to handle his emotions. And then he comes back and pretends nothing happened and just goes back to his usual crappy attitude and then we just wait until it happens again.”

There is a very long silence, much to Sirius’ concern, and then Remus smiles. “Ok, for some reason I found that speech oddly sexy, but I don’t give a fuck. Find your brother, Sirius.” And before Sirius can process this, he’s leaving too.

“Oh, come on… It’s really not worth it!” And then the other part of what Remus said hits him, “Wait… Did you just call me sexy?”

Remus turns around and winks at him, and then he just keeps walking.

“Remus!?”

Yeah, Sirius thinks, I’m gonna need some normal friends.

And a cigarette.

***
Remus

The truth is, James has been doing some pretty weird shit lately, and on day five after the party, when Remus is just now realizing he hasn’t seen James in two days, he can finally understand— or guess, anyways, why he might be avoiding Sirius. Even he himself was once in that exact position, though no one ever found out, and it’s going to stay that way, for everyone's sake.

For him, it happened in third year, when he was already friends with Regulus. They had been teasing each other for weeks at that point, and one day Regulus just went for it. They were young and it didn’t get to anything serious, they just snogged every now and then, without telling anyone, just because they were discovering themselves and their desires. But eventually Remus realized he was going on about with the wrong Black brother, and even if he never admitted it, Regulus started having a thing for James. It was pretty obvious to Remus, but he could tell no one else knew about it, since Regulus was still very close to Barty, and even Remus is sure they had a thing for a while, though Regulus won’t admit this, either. But Remus knows Regulus too much. He's still not sure how Sirius feels about them being friends, but he decided a long time ago he didn’t care.

So he can join the dots quite easily, and work out why James is avoiding Sirius, same as he once avoided him when he was in whatever it was he had with Regulus. But he can tell this is different, nonetheless. Regulus has been pretty off lately, constantly daydreaming and asking Remus to go to the Greenhouses to get stoned. He wasn’t giving much thought to that either. He’d figured they would have already sorted it out by now. Talked about it. But it’s been four days, and shit’s getting way too weird between everybody, and Remus is starting to run out of excuses to keep Sirius distracted from how obvious those two idiots are making it. Even more when curfew is so close, and, same as yesterday, James is nowhere to be seen.

“Something is wrong, Remus. I know it. Something is really, really wrong” Sirius says as soon as he opens the bathroom door with a towel around his waist and using another to dry his hair mindlessly as he approaches his bed, where he always leaves his clothes. Remus will never understand why he doesn’t just take them inside and get changed in the bathroom. He doesn’t complain, though. He really enjoys the view every time.

“How did you even know I was here? I literally just came in,” and Remus did actually just come in the room, so he genuinely doesn’t know how Sirius knew he was there.

“You’re wearing the cologne I got you for christmas. Could smell it from the shower.” He lets the towel drop and he starts to pull up his pijama bottoms very calmly, and everything in Remus goes crazy. He’s staring. He knows he is. He knows he shouldn’t. But he really can’t help it. “My eyes are up here, darling”

“What?” He lifts his sight immediately to look right into Sirius’ eyes as he winks and puts on his shirt. “Oh, shut up, you know I wasn’t— Why don’t you just get dressed in the bathroom?”

This thing between them has been going on for a while now, and Remus can’t really work out what it means. Merlin, he can’t even work out how it started. He has the vague memory of it escalating along their third year. They started making jokes, teasing each other. At first Remus thought it was all for fun, perhaps it was normal for friends to act that way, and he wouldn’t know, he had never had friends before so he just went with it and didn’t question anything. But eventually he realized Sirius was only like this with him. Not James, nor Peter, or Lily, or Marlene. No, it was just with Remus. He also started to catch himself not joking when he was supposed to be joking. He started to actually find Sirius very handsome. And that’s when he started to think about the fact he never felt that way with a girl. So when Regulus grabbed his face and pulled him in for a kiss one night after curfew in the astronomy tower, he confirmed his theories. He had never been with anyone before that, though he had found people attractive and questioned things before— actually, his first time contemplating that idea was the first time he saw James. And though he never formed a crush on him, he still can admit that James is one of the most beautiful people he’s ever seen.

He just never got the time to think about it that much, once this whole ‘jokingly-but-not-really-joking flirting’ with Sirius started, and he eventually started to only be able to think about how good Sirius looked in the leader jacket he was wearing when he entered the train carriage after the summer of 1973.

“And deny you the show? I could never.” He teases, before changing his gaze, turning it suddenly into a serious look and his lips pressed into a thin line, as he drops himself in his bed and crosses his legs, holding his face with both hands, elbows on his knees, “But, really, what do you think about the James thing? I’m getting really worried, I haven’t seen him at all in two days”

“Merlin, Sirius, let it be, would you?” Yeah, Remus is getting pretty sick of saving everyones asses. And with the full moon so close, the words are slipping out of his mouth without him really thinking about them, “And what about Reggie, ah? He’s also been weird since the party. What’s up with that?”

“What would I know? Aren’t you his best friend?” He says, rolling his eyes.

“I’m just saying, you’re so worried about James, why don’t you think about Regulus for a minute?”

“Don’t lecture me on this, please. I don’t care what Regulus is up to.”

Oh, this is so bloody maddening. “Regulus also fucked someone in the party,” he snaps, because honestly, at this point, this is just sad.

“What!?” Sirius’ hands fall, and his face sort of just falls with them, being left hung down as Sirius’ whole life passes past his eyes, and looks like he’s going to be sick— and he might actually be about to be sick. “Who— When did— How do you— WHAT!?”

Remus rolls his eyes and pulls the map out of the drawer of his bedside table with a sigh, “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good,” he murmurs and opens the map to check that, indeed, Regulus is out at the Greenhouses, and James is, same as yesterday night, over at the Slytherins’ Tower. “He’s at the Greenhouses,” he informs and waves his hand a little because Sirius is just there, frozen on the spot, “you go ask Reg and leave me out of this. I'm hungry and tired and I desperately need a cigarette. Luck, mate.” and he leaves the room and heads to the common room to chain-smoke for a really, really long time.