Nymphadora Tonks loved Remus Lupin.
There were many things she truly loved and Remus just so happened to be at the very top of the list. Remus was in his second year when she started at Hogwarts. Truthfully, Dora admired him. The Infamous Remus Lupin. Smart, funny, bookish and the secret weapon behind The Marauders’ many successes.
To begin with, Dora just thought the boy was super cool. He had a long scar across his face that people in her year made up stories about. A brutal battle with a dragon where it swiped ferociously at his face and battered him ruthlessly, a heroic wrestle with a centaur in the Forbidden Forest after going in to rescue his friends from the legendary ‘Aragog’. Though the stories were a load of nonsense, it was a cool scar to young Tonks.
Often she saw him in the library, head bent over an enormous textbook or practising transfigurations. Sometimes he was with his friends, though this was less often, presumably because they distracted him from his studying. His friends were very loud and Dora never liked them. James was overly cocky and thought very highly of himself, Sirius was just a complete knob. Always with a girl on his arm, throwing winks to the occasional female he passed in a corridor. Peter was kind of creepy, on edge half the time and he startled whenever someone looked in his direction.
~~~
It seemed that every girl at Hogwarts swooned over these boys, and she never could see why. Dora was constantly being pestered by Lilibeth and Joane and Bonnie to ‘find herself a man’, because she was ‘missing out’, and she was constantly assuring them off-handedly that she ‘just hadn’t found the right one yet’ but there was ‘still time’, fully intending to continue her education at Hogwarts avoiding all of the swooning like the plague.
Dora had never much been interested in romance or snogging all the hot boys at Hogwarts like all of her friends were. Never saw the appeal of sharing saliva with another person. Sickening. But as she got older and she started her sixth year, slowly most of her best friends seemed to slip away, break off from the rest of the group to ‘study’ and only return to the hufflepuff common room well after curfew. One by one they were plucked up by some nameless, mysterious boy and Dora felt alone. She began spending more of her time curled away at the back of the infinite library, reclusive and distant, and before she knew it, she had grown apart from her friends. Whilst they were all off snogging every last boy available behind the greenhouses or a tapestry somewhere, she was tucked away by herself.
Then, one fateful day, Remus Lupin happened upon her spot between a pair of towering book shelves. A look of concentration plastered onto his face when he turned the corner. His eyes fell on her, knees hugged close to her chest, nose buried in a muggle book. When she looked up and met his eyes, she thought, for just a moment, maybe boys weren’t so bad after all. This one in particular. For a flicker of a second, she understood why her friends had let themselves be whisked away by attractive young men.
From that day on, Remus became her library companion, as she liked to refer to him. The few friends she was still close with grilled her on where she had been at lunch and dinner and after curfew as well. They sat close on her bed and demanded answers.
Dora never quite knew what she and Remus were. Every day, she would slunk off to her corner of the library and await Remus’ arrival. And most days, only ever at lunch, he came to find her in that corner. They rarely spoke to each other, aside from the occasional “Do you have any spare ink I could pinch?” or something like that. Sometimes they would do homework at the tables, sometimes when there was none of that left they’d read muggle stories. Remus had a curiously large assortment, Dora got sent her’s from her mother, Andromeda, back at home.
Nymphadora Tonks realised, towards the end of the second term in her sixth year at Hogwarts, that she loved Remus Lupin. That she was completely and utterly besotted with him.
When she went back to her dorm one night before curfew, she found her two best friends, Elora and Linette bundled up on Elora’s bed in the dorm room together, hidden under a blob of blankets. Once they’d realised Dora was there, they ushered her over and she wiggled herself into the heap with them. The three girls chattered together most of the night, blabbing about all sorts like Slughorn and his mind-numbing lessons, trying to guess who Dora had been seeing etcetera etcetera. That was the miraculous night that Dora found herself eager to talk about one thing especially: boys. They whispered to each other about handsome boys in their year and what they liked most in a boyfriend way into the early hours of the morning, as they sat in a small circle and painted their nails bright colours. And to her surprise, Dora found herself having fun.
Needless to say, they got very little sleep that night and regretted it the next morning when they had to return to classes.
~~~
The second term of sixth year passed in the same sort of way; peaceful. Dora continued her daily visits to the library and sometimes, she was even accompanied by Elora and Linette. On those days, she didn’t go to her usual spot, so as to draw attention away from a certain seventh year, but the days she was on her own, she ventured all the way to the back of the library to read in the company of Remus.
Dora still did not know what she and Remus were. It was strange. Remus came to sit with her, pretty much every single day, but they never conversed, nor did they interact in any other way. She wanted to know why Remus had chosen to sit with her that day, she wanted to know why he returned all those times after.
Remus was a closed book. Closed and locked with no key to open, quiet as a mouse and agonisingly private. Dora tried to catch glimpses of him at breakfast across the Great Hall from the Hufflepuff table to where he always sat with James, Sirius, Peter and the rest of the Gryffindors. Most of the time he was either engrossed in a book or scribbling last minute homework down with Lily Evans, taking a bite of buttered toast every now and then.
It was only after the Easter holiday that anything new happened with Remus. Dora was highly aware of the fact that after this term, she may never see him again, though she tried not to think about that too much. She was sitting in her usual spot in the library one Wednesday lunch, reading The Handmaid’s Tale by Margret Atwood which she had received from her mother at breakfast a few days prior. Remus was late that day and about 10 minutes later he hurried into the little alcove, out of breath, robes rumpled, hair a mess and clutching the strap of his evidently hefty school bag. He plopped, heavily into the chair opposite Dora’s and hoisted the large bag onto the table. It was then that he spoke:
“Hey Dora, erm, I was just wondering if, er, you might want any of these books? You know this is my last year and once I’m gone I won’t have any use for them and I thought they might be useful for you next year when you do your NEWTS.” Remus was clearly doing his very best not to look at her and his eyes flickered about all over the place - everywhere but Dora. She was surprised, this may just have been the most amount of words Remus had ever directed at her.
“That would be really nice Remus. Thank you.” she watched in awe as Remus reached into his bag, rifling around with his arm all the way inside up to his shoulder. An extension charm. He always was a genius. A minute or so later, there were two stacks of books crammed onto the table, no wonder his bag looked so heavy, “Blimey, that’s a lot.” Dora muttered under her breath.
“You don’t have to take them all of course, just the ones for the subjects you're doing.” Then, finally, his eyes travelled up to Dora’s face and he pressed his lips together in an awkward smile, “If you want them, that is.” he added, quickly.
“No no, this is really helpful actually. I have a huge list of books that I’d need to buy in the Summer so this is really great.” She looked down for a second, face hot, then she reached forward and began sifting through the piles of books, setting aside the ones she might need. In the end, she’d picked 5 from Remus’ enormous collection and stowed them away in her bag as she attempted to remain calm and tame the butterflies in her stomach.
“Right. Um, I’ve got to get going. See you tomorrow, yeah?” The faint ghost of a smile tugged at his lips as he stood up and gathered the remaining books off of the table.
“Yeah, ‘course, thank you again, I’m really grateful for this, I know mum will be too.” Remus had met Andromeda before, obviously seeing as he was best friends with Sirius who was unfortunately her mum’s cousin. This also meant that Dora saw Sirius more than she cared to, and she was greatly displeased. Remus left her with a bashful smile pulling at his mouth and with a slightly lightened bag.
From then on, things were different between the two. They talked more. Sometimes Remus asked about the book she was reading and in turn she asked about his. A few times, Remus had even assisted her with her homework and this left her heart beating madly in her chest, cheeks pink and stomach flipping. It was nice to be friends with the boy; he was kind, considerate and always interested in the small things she had to say. It was nice to be able to call him a friend. When they passed each other on the way to lessons, sometimes he gave her a small wave, but a lot of the time he had his hands full of books so he just smiled at her instead. Elora and Linette had noticed their exchanges and liked to question her about it. Was he who she’d been seeing all the time? Were they dating? Did she like him?
All was well for Nymphadora Tonks. She was enjoying school again, she talked to her friends more, and the boy she was hopelessly in love with smiled at her. It made Dora giddy and excitable. She’d go to bed every night and think about the mysterious boy with golden hair and green eyes, she’d even started to daydream in lessons about him.
~~~
That was all until the last week of the school year. It was only then that she snapped out of her perfect haze and remembered that it wouldn’t last forever. Remus would leave and they’d probably never see each other again. Remus would leave and Dora would be heartbroken. Remus would leave and Dora would be alone. The two of them still spent their lunches together and they still spoke over their homework. But even so, Dora wasn’t particularly happy anymore, knowing that this wonderful boy would disappear from her life and continue to live his own without her in it.
Once Remus was gone, Dora tried her best to forget him, to fall out of love with him. During the Summer, she read all of the books he had given her, and she stupidly hoped that Sirius would come by, on the off chance that he brought Remus with him. Sirius did stop by, multiple times, but he did not bring Remus. Dora wrote to her friends, listened to her mum’s old records, played catch in the garden with her dad, Ted, did everything just to take her mind off of that boy. That stupid, beautiful boy.
When she returned to Hogwarts a few weeks later her friends seemed to catch on pretty quickly that she was not happy. And when they confronted her about it, she burst into tears and told them everything in a teary, sobbing haste.
Dora always hated crying. It made her feel pathetic and utterly ridiculous. But just this once, she needed to. Wanted to. Elora and Linette encircled her in a slightly too hot (it was still the summer after all) hug, but nevertheless, she appreciated it. The first weekend they spent at Hogwarts, they went into Hogsmeade, bought mountains of sweets and chocolate, and sipped smuggled butterbeer in their dorm room.
After the first week, Dora didn’t get much time to mope or be sad. NEWTS were coming up so she pushed her teen girl sorrow to the back of her mind and cracked down on her revision. This posed as a useful distraction and she didn’t feel all that bad after a while. She was obviously still sad that Remus was gone and they wouldn't be able to spend time together in the library anymore, and she was, annoyingly, still in love with him, but she powered through with her best friends by her side.
They motorred through their NEWTS, stressed and tired from late night studying, but they got through it anyway. Turns out, the exams weren’t all that difficult for Dora and she breezed along with the help of Remus’ old books.
Seventh year continued on. Despite the dread of coming back to Hogwarts, it was alright. She still received packages filled with books from her mum, and once or twice a month Remus sent her a letter. These were always the things she looked forward to most. They didn’t come often, but she was always on the lookout for when they did. Mostly they just asked how she was getting on, how her NEWTS went, and what book she was reading. Dora was flattered every time, dreamily thinking of how Remus thought of her and wrote to her and cared enough to stay in touch with her even after he left.
Still, she wanted to stop being in love with Remus Lupin. He was gone, he’d probably fall in love with someone else sooner or later and he would be lost forever. At some point he’d probably stop writing her letters, stop caring about that silly little girl he used to talk to in the library. Probably forget about her and move on. Dora anticipated this would happen, was anxious about it, but it never did.
During her seventh year, Dora attempted many things to stop loving Remus. She kissed other boys behind the greenhouses and tapestries and hid away in broom cupboards to have some random guy shove his hand up her shirt. She snuck around after curfew to meet Arthur Davy or Faxon Rutherford in the astronomy tower. And it worked. A little. Dora didn’t think about Remus so much anymore, still received his letters and wrote back when she could, but otherwise she got by without giving Remus too much thought.
~~~
Then the time came for her to leave Hogwarts. And Nymphadora Tonks was terrified.
On her last day of school, she packed up her things with Elora and Linette and boarded the Hogwarts express. The three girls claimed a single compartment together and promised each other that they would stay friends forever and visit all the time. They vowed to be bridesmaids at other’s weddings and name their babies after one another. They hugged. They cried (not Dora) and then they arrived at Kings Cross, London.
Dora had no idea what she wanted to do now that she’d left school. Her mum and dad had already agreed to her staying in muggle London for a while until she was properly on her feet and ready to face the rest of the world. But when she finally got there, she had not a single clue what she was going to do. Her first job was as a waitress at the pub down the street. It was a dingy little place, not overly welcoming, but it brought her money so it would have to do.
It had only been just over a year when she got a phone call from Remus.
Remus. She hadn’t properly thought about him in a long time. Living alone had kept her busy. Really busy. She hadn’t called Elora or Linette in over a month and hadn’t phoned her mum for about two weeks. But when the phone rang from the living room of her small apartment, she picked up and was so shocked by the voice on the other end that she almost dropped her cup of tea.
The boy she had once loved did not sound like a boy anymore. He sounded tired and croaky and not at all like the bookish young man she had once known. He did not say “Hello” and the words that came out of Remus’ mouth after a few moments were not what Dora had been expecting in the slightest:
“James, Lily and Peter have been killed.” He mumbled, almost incomprehensibly over the crackling of the phone line. Dora may not have liked James and Peter all that much, but Lily, she thought very highly of. Lily was clever and strong and she’d only just had a baby.
“Oh Remus…” She whispered down the line. Ridiculously, she had thought that her feelings for this man had dissipated, but hearing his voice again brought them back to life. Burning deep in her chest they bloomed once again, bubbling to the surface. Hearing him so distraught brought tears to her eyes and made her hands tremble. She heard a small sob and a choke and then she said, “What happened?”
The only response she got to that was another sob and one word. A name.
“Sirius.”
And then the line buzzed and went dead.
Dora didn’t hear from Remus for a while. Not surprising in the least. She had rung her mother afterwards to ask if she knew anything and was told that James, Lily and Peter had been murdered by the Dark Lord. She was told that Sirius, the bastard, was working for the Dark Lord, and had led him to their home to have them killed. The child, extraordinarily, had survived and caused the Dark Lord to vanish without a trace. Voldemort was gone. Because of a baby, not even a year old.
Apparently, no one heard from Remus for a while. He had disappeared too. Again, though, this didn’t surprise Dora at all. Remus must have been heartbroken. In the space of one evening he had lost all of his best friends, one of which had been working with the very person he was working against.
Many people were lost in the war, but James and Lily’s deaths may have had the largest effect. Dora returned to Andromeda’s home for a few weeks so that she could keep track of what was happening, and the entirety of wizarding England seemed to be at a loss. The Potters’ death had unimaginable consequences on everyone.
It took weeks for things to start to feel even remotely normal again. Even then everything still felt raw. Eventually, Dora had to go back to muggle London, but before she left, she went to visit Remus. She had gotten his address off of Alastor Moody who was friends with her mum.
~~~
Remus was not in a good state. He had dark bags under his eyes and his hair was messy. Almost a completely different person to the one Dora had known before. As soon as he opened the door to see her standing there, his face crumpled and tears poured down his freckled cheeks. She reached for him and pulled him into her chest, he was much taller than her but still he felt small in her arms.
They spent the rest of that day together. They drank copious amounts of tea and sat on the sofa, side by side. Remus sniffled occasionally and lifted his mug up to his trembling lips every so often. Dora had asked him if there was anyone to look after him here and he quietly replied, telling her that Mary Macdonald, a close friend, was staying with him. Mary was not in the flat though so she assumed was working elsewhere. Remus didn’t tell her very much, just that he and Sirius had been living together so he still had all of his old things, and he hadn’t yet been brave enough to face his and Sirius’ old bedroom to clear it out. Mary had apparently been sleeping on Remus’ bed while Remus took the sofa.
Dora stayed until Mary came back. Remus had long been asleep by that point but she wanted to be sure someone would be there to look after him. Her and Mary had a small conversation before she left, about what had been happening. Before James, Lily and Peter, another one of their friends, Marlene Mckinnon, had been murdered too, along with the rest of her family. James’ parents had recently passed away as well. Clearly they had all had a tough time of it, so it was understandable that Remus wasn’t doing too well himself.
After apparating home, the guilt finally started to set in. She could have been there, helping, fighting for the right cause instead of hiding away from everything in London. She had carted herself, far enough away to avoid it all. Had she stayed, she could have been there for Remus sooner.
It was then that she promised herself that, given that chance again, she would step up, be brave and not shy away from the danger. If anything like this were to happen again she wouldn’t think twice before she jumped at the offer.
It was ten years later that the chance came. Three years ago her mother and father passed away not too long apart. Her father had been quite ill and died whilst in a hospice in Brighton, and her mother passed about eleven months later. That had been a difficult time for Dora, Remus had been at the funeral, as had Alastor, and few other of her parents’ friends. Remus had been over two or three times after that but he was very busy nowadays. Seeing him was nice though. Again, she had mistakenly thought her feelings for him had gone away, but every interaction they had brought them back to the surface, warm and fluttery. The funeral had also properly introduced her to Alastor Moody, one of the leaders of The Order Of The Phoenix in the war. Though at the time of their meeting Dora thought him rather frightening, he would later become a true friend of hers.
When she received a letter one night from an owl, she knew something was wrong. No one ever sent her letters anymore; if Remus wanted a chat he’d phone, as did Elora and Linette. If she ever got any post it was through the letterbox, so when the owl flapped at her window, she was immediately concerned.
Cool air flooded through the window in a shuddering gust as she cracked it open to allow the bird inside. It flapped its wings elegantly, before coming to a stop, perched on the arm of the sofa in the lounge. Carefully, she untied the message from the owl’s foot and turned it over to rip open the seal. The bird then rose up with a series of balletic flaps, and then swooped back out of the window into the comfortable evening warmth of April. Coincidentally, when she flipped over the small envelope, there was a splodge of familiar red wax and a circular imprint around the edge. She’d seen this particular accent before and tried to remain calm at the insinuations of it. Sliding her index finger under the helpful gap at the side, the red wax seal popped open with a small rustle as the paper envelope crumpled under her shaking hands. A small piece of paper, folded into thirds was all that was inside.
The letter told her, essentially, every piece of information that she’d hoped she would never have to find out. It read as follows:
Dear Miss Tonks
I hope this letter finds you in good health.
Unfortunately I write to inform you of the return of the Dark Lord. I have received word from Albus that there has been dark activity within Hogwarts and he expects an attack within the next few months. With this in mind, I am working to reassemble the Order. There are only a few members left from before that are willing and I hope to introduce you to them at our first official meeting, twenty seventh of April.
I expect to see you there, the usual spot.
Alastor Moody.
The very second her eyes fell upon the last words, the letter extracted itself from her grasp and promptly disintegrated in mid air. The ashes fluttered downwards but vanished before they settled on the ground. Completely horrified, she slowly tugged the open window shut, and made her way into the kitchen with wobbly legs.
~~~
April twenty seventh rolled around rather fast. Dora had had little time to really come to terms with this information, and she was left with a deep pit in her stomach and reeling with anger and loathing. If there was anyone in this world that she hated more than the blasted Sirius Black, it was the Dark Lord.
She arrived at twelve Grimmauld Place at three o’clock in the afternoon, wand tucked away in her pocket. Alastor greeted her with a grave expression painted on his face and a crease between his eyebrows. She was introduced to some of the old Order members, a lot of Weasleys and a man named Kingsley Shacklebolt who was dressed in flamboyant, royal blue robes. There were several others that she acquainted herself with, charming them and pulling laughs as she turned her hair different colours and ears pointy.
It was always a depressing thought for Dora when she reminded herself that, though these people were some of the best wizards around, many would die in this fight. The last war had been brutal and unforgiving, killing hundreds of innocent people mercilessly, and she knew that this one wouldn’t be much different.
The Order worked relentlessly for the next year, gathering a sufficient number of new members. Remus being one of them. After the first war and the loss of all of his friends, Remus had gone off the radar, inconspicuous and unseen for a long period of time. Dora assumed he would be one of the first to rejoin the Order, but it wasn’t too astonishing that he was reluctant and it took a lot of convincing on Alastor’s part. However, when he did finally show up, he looked a lot better than the last time she had seen him. He still looked tired and he had a light stubble across his chin, but his eyes were brighter and he looked less fragile. Before, he was so scrawny and he made himself so small it was easy to think he’d just snap under any kind of pressure, but he appeared sturdier now. Still handsome as ever, to her dismay.
They worked closely together for the next two years, they reconnected and caught up on lost time. Remus had done a muggle degree in History at a university a few years back and had been working as a professor at a college near where he lived. Dora had been in and out of jobs all over the place for the last few years, and about five months ago, snagged a part-time in a plant shop down the street. It was nice. Seeing him again. She still felt all giddy and nervous when she sat with him, but it didn’t seem as though he had any particular interest in relationships. Dora had gently asked once and he said he’d not been with anyone since the first war and wasn’t prepared for any romantic relations because of the current predicament. This was highly disappointing, obviously, but if he didn’t want anything, then she wouldn’t push it. Being friends was better anyway considering the circumstances in which they were working together.
It was only about eighteen months after Remus joined the Order before he was sent off for a mission. He’d be working as the new professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts this coming school year. Teaching Harry, Lily and James’ son. Harry had reportedly fought off the Dark Lord twice after his return two years ago and it seemed likely that he would have to again. Voldemort had been after the young boy from the day he was born, according to Moody, he had been given a prophecy in which Potter would be the one to defeat him. Remus was sent off for the year to find out exactly what had happened before and help the rest of the Order figure out how to stop it from happening again.
After he left, Dora felt lonely again. She made an effort to visit Elora and Linette as much as she could, and she’d become quite well acquainted with Molly and Arthur Weasly. Molly was, truly, a wonderful woman. She was kind and welcoming and she’d knitted Dora a yellow jumper with a large, red ‘N’ on the front. Though, she was rather terrifying when she was cross, often provoked by those idiot sons of hers, Fred and George, who liked to play tricks on her. Ron wasn’t too bad, but that bloody rat of his was awful. Rancid thing scuttled about all over the place. He was constantly arguing and bickering with Hermione too, who had a very fluffy ginger cat that Ron seemed under the impression had it out for Scabbers, and Dora thought, if she could kill the vile thing she would try to as well. Arthur was a curious man and his fascination with muggle objects was rather intriguing. He was always tinkering with some old thing here and there and always had a good fact or two to share.
Then there was Harry. Poor boy. Really lovely boy but he always seemed to be in danger one way or another. Now it was the return of his godfather, Sirius Black. As if the bastard hadn’t ruined enough lives already, now he’d only gone and escaped from Azkaban just to hunt the boy down and kill him, presumably.
Dora didn’t hear a lot from Remus for the next year. Occasionally he sent a patronus with updates on his progress at Hogwarts, or sometimes just a letter. But other than that, nothing. Though, she supposed, he was probably quite busy, being a professor and all. But when he abruptly returned one afternoon, she was taken by surprise. No one had thought to mention that he quit just before the school year finished and would be returning to Grimmauld Place.
Briefly, Remus had explained what had happened the night of the last full moon. It was known by everyone in the Order that Remus was a werewolf by now so it was no surprise to Dora when he told her. Sirius Black had escaped from Azkaban, not to murder Harry Potter, but to find Peter Pettrigrew, his previously thought-to-be dead friend, who had been living as Ron’s pet rat for the last twelve years.
Remus returned that afternoon, out of the blue, with an apprehensive Sirius Black timidly hiding behind him. Delightful.
~~~
Sirius, to her profound annoyance, was very difficult to dislike, let alone hate. After twelve years in Azkaban, he was quieter and more skittish around everyone at the Order. It took some time for people to start trusting him again, but after a while, his presence became less gloomy and impending. When he first showed up, he was unnervingly quiet, tended to accidentally sneak up on you and then proceed to frighten you out of your own skin when you turned around. Him and Remus were awkward for a while, but once several months had passed, they were back to their old selves. Playful and mischievous, always pulling pranks on the other.
The Order continued for many months, capturing Death Eaters and plotting the locations of attacks. Alastor had, similarly to Remus, become a temporary professor at Hogwarts, teaching Defence Against The Dark Arts. Temporarily though, they had to stop their ploys against dear old Voldy. It was only for a few days, but they had been sent a patronus late one night from Dumbledore, informing them of Voldemort’s attack on Harry and Cedric Diggory during the Triwizard tournament. Alastor had been compromised a few months back and a young man named Barty Crouch Junior had stolen his identity with polyjuice potion, pretending to be him and putting Harry’s name in the goblet of fire. This was soon discovered however and Alastor returned to Grimmauld Place safely.
Though, things started to slow down after that. Attacks became infrequent and hard to detect, and no one else was sent off to their doom to start a spontaneous career in teaching. Nothing much happened and the Order was quiet. It had become routine now, hearing of the most recent family to be murdered and other grim goings on, so it felt strange.
It felt like a much needed break for the Order members. All of them had been working relentlessly over the past few years and deserved a respite. With this in mind, Sirius seemed to have thought it a good idea to make pranking a near daily occurrence. Before, it was one or twice a week, but now with more time to plan and think up bonkers ideas, most mornings at least one person would walk into the kitchen holding rubber biscuits or flaccid shoes. A few times Sirius even managed to charm Remus’ glasses with an ‘engorgio’ so that they fell off of his face.
Even so, in their close conduct, Dora decided that Sirius wasn’t as annoying as she’d first thought, though he still got on her nerves to some extent. He kept the Order in high spirits, kept them laughing with silly pranks. You’d always know it was his doing when the biscuits had been transfigured to rubber or solid metal in the ceramic jar on the counter or you couldn’t put your shoes on because they’d been charmed with something similar to a jelly-legs jinx and were all floppy like paper. It also turned out that Sirius had a nice collection of some of her favourite records.
~~~
As a child, Dora grew up listening to T-rex, The Beatles, Bowie. Her mother was an avid collector of vinyls and, it seemed, Sirius was too. One day, she happened upon his room upstairs by accident and caught a glimpse through the slightly open door of a huge rack against the wall, displaying some of her old favourite albums. She lingered for a few moments, long enough to recognise ‘Oh! You Pretty Things’ echoing out of the room. In a brief moment of confidence, she poked her head round the door to find Sirius and Remus lying side by side on Sirius’ bed. Sirius was on his side facing Remus, whose head was tilted towards him, their hands overlapping between their bodies. Neither of them noticed her standing there, the two of them had their eyes closed.
You’d have to be a fool if you couldn’t tell what that meant, If you couldn’t tell how important they were to each other. Remus had been so evidently inconsolable when Sirius had been taken away, the thought of Sirius betraying him and killing their friends ruined him. But when Remus finally got him back, he changed, visibly. His face was brighter, eyes no longer half-lidded, colour back in his cheeks.
Dora now understood.
Though it made her sad, that the man she loved was in love with another, seeing them so content in the other’s presence, seeing Remus finally happy again, it brought a smile to her face. Deep down she always knew that the idea of her and Remus together was unrealistic. She hoped maybe she would be wrong, and it broke her heart to find out that she was, in fact, right. Despite the tears that dripped down her face as she turned and left Sirius’ room, she was glad that Remus had someone special to care for him. In all honesty, Dora would rather it be Sirius than anyone else - Sirius knew Remus inside out, like the back of his own hand and he would know how to look after him the right way.
That night, she called Elora and suggested a girls night at the pub, and together they managed to drag Linette out too. They only stayed out for an hour or so, and then went back to Linette’s house where they drank red wine on the sofa and talked about how stupid and overrated adulthood was.
All was well and good. Dora, at last, had some sort of closure and was able to move on from Remus. She noticed more often now how Remus and Sirius would sneak off together, not so subtly and come back one after another, with ten minute intervals between them to seem less dubious, with ruddy cheeks and slightly tangled hair. It amused her that they seemed to be under the impression that they were elusive and inconspicuous. Dora often observed how the two of them managed to work around each other like clockwork, easy and smooth like they were part of the same consciousness. Their relationship had been built over many years of close contact and proximity so they just knew how the other functioned. Like, for instance, once Remus had finished a cup of tea, Sirius would walk into the lounge and pick up his mug, only to bring it back five minutes later, replenished and full of tea once more. Or how Remus always had an elastic band round his wrist because Sirius never had one when he needed to tie his hair back.
A lot had changed in Dora’s life, it felt as if nothing ever stayed the same for more than a second. Being head over heels for Remus was like a second nature, but it didn’t ache so much seeing Remus and Sirius together as it did when she first found them that day in Sirius’ room. No one really questioned it or were surprised when they started being more obvious about their relationship. They’d curl into each other on the sofa after a long day of missions and Death Eater-fighting, and they kissed each other on the forehead or cheek. Anyone would have to be dense as lead to not immediately know that they loved each other, a lot. And it wasn’t just Dora’s feelings for Remus that changed; that year, Harry was brought to the Order of the Phoenix, and with Harry, came Ron and Hermione.
~~~
Harry was assertive and eager, much like his godfather, and wasn’t afraid to put himself in danger. The boy was only fifteen yet he was determined to help fight the Dark Lord. Dora thought he was reckless. He had barely even started his life, hadn’t even finished school, but he was already preparing himself for war and, very likely, death. It certainly didn’t help that Sirius kept egging him on. Molly did have a point, he was just a boy. Ron wasn’t really too much different, apart from the fact that he was scared of most things.
Hermione, though, Dora liked her. She wouldn’t put up with any nonsense and she was sensible. The boys were impulsive and impetuous, but everything Hermione did was thought out and planned for. Witty and systematic, she acted based on logistics rather than speed. She thought ahead and planned for the uncertain, prepared for any turn of events, everything she did, premeditated. She reminded Dora, a lot, of Remus. The way he always had a plan B ‘just incase’.
The blurry hypnotic she and the rest of the Order were in, abruptly came to an end when a patronus sent from Dumbledore informed them of the dementor attack on Harry and his cousin Dudley a few days prior. Harry was still an underage wizard and he still had The Trace, so his defence against the dementor almost got him expelled from Hogwarts. A few weeks after that they heard of Bellatrix’s escape from Azkaban. The Daily Prophet headline announced her disappearance in bold and instantly they were on high alert.
So many things were happening at once and Dora started to regret slacking off the past few weeks. More could have been done, more could have been prevented, had they not taken their break for granted. Shortly after Harry’s trial at the ministry, Arthur was nearly killed by Nagini which led to countless issues and a terrified uproar at Grimmauld Place.
After the initial unrest and panic, Arthur was taken to St. Mungos to be treated by healers. Had Harry not had that vision, Arthur would have been dead, and that notion chilled Dora to the bone. Their whole job was to be saving the world from Voldemort, but, she wondered, if they couldn’t even save such a truly impeccable man without some silly boy’s nightmare, how the bloody hell were they meant to do that.
Things were out of control. They had recently lost contact with Dumbledore after Cornellius Fudge ordered his arrest and he vanished which was, really, no help at all. None of them had a single clue what was going on, and with the temporary loss of Arthur, they were down a member. Arthur being in hospital also probably meant the loss of Molly too. It was really not going very well.
Once Arthur returned from St Mungos, everything quietened again, but after last time, Dora would make sure that they were still on guard. She never seemed to stay still, always flitting about all over the place doing one thing or another. Days seemed longer and dragged out just past her breaking point. Time never slowed down to show her any mercy whatsoever and she worked herself weary. It was relentless. And then, as if just to spite her, the whole of the Order was summoned to the Ministry one evening.
~~~
The Death Eaters were brutal and ruthless, just plain nasty, firing hexes and jinxes and curses without a second thought. Dora had managed to get Luna and Ginny to cover with the rest of the kids and everything was going fine. Sirius and Harry had Lucius, disarmed him and broke the prophecy before he could get it back to dear old Voldy. From where she and the others hid, she, vaguely, heard Harry call out an ‘expelliarmus’ so sat up to glance over the rocks. Remus did too, knuckles turning white where he gripped the rocks so tight. He tensed beside her when Sirius called Harry ‘James’ by accident, clearly the matter still a sore subject to him, and made to go and help the two fight Lucius. Dora reached out quickly and held onto the lapel of his blazer, and he snapped his head towards her, eyes stern, wand in hand. But she didn’t let go. She stared firmly towards the duel, as Sirius took a few steps forward, firing two or three more hexes at Lucius.
With the rest of the Death Eaters unable to help him, Lucius was left to Sirius. He had no wand and nothing else to defend himself with, so Sirius cleverly sent a knock-back jinx at him. The slimy Malfoy flew backwards with a shout, blonde hair flapping, face stupid as ever. And then, evil and spiteful as the rest of them, Bellatrix appeared within a plume of revolving black smoke. The very instant she apparated back, she raised her wand and flung her entire body into a killing curse, eyes wide and insane, teeth bared, sending thin ligatures of sickly green scattering from the end of her wand.
Sirius stumbled, his teeth clenched in a grimace. He turned, unsteady and he staggered on the spot, to face Harry, only young Harry. Sirius’ face drained of colour and his eyes went empty and distant as he fell back into the veil’s wispy white arms. Before she could stop him, Remus shot up, tweed escaping her grasp and he lurched toward the boy staring after his Godfather, drifting away into the billowing abyss. Harry let out a despairing shout and he tried to wrenched himself free from Remus’ strong hold. The boy stared at Bellatrix, where she backed away into a tiled corridor, smiling maliciously and laughing at his struggle. Harry managed to yank himself away from Remus’ arms and he bolted, his chest heaved and his face smoothed out from the crumpled sorrow it showed just moments before.
Remus looked destroyed. Utterly overwrought, after all, the man he was so desperately enraptured with had just been murdered as easily as crushing an ant underfoot, by a woman so cruel that she even laughed in his wake. His face crumpled momentarily before he glanced over to the looming archway next to him. A hand was lifted to his mouth to muffle a choked sob while his knees buckled and he crouched to the floor, hunching over as he wept and his shoulders shook.
He wasn’t allowed to grieve for long though. There was no time for that. But once they were back at number 12 Grimmauld Place a couple of days later, he went upstairs to his and Sirius’ old bedroom. He did not return for quite some time; he didn’t come down for meals or meetings and he wasn’t sent on any missions either.
Dora made sure to take food up to the room and bring him hourly tea replacements, which she left outside the locked door and knocked gently to let him know. She would always go back to find the plate of Molly’s delectable cooking in various states. Sometimes he hadn’t touched it, occasionally he scoffed the lot, but most of the time he had just picked and nibbled what he fancied. The tea was always gone though.
It was a week or so later when he finally opened the door. Dora had gone to take him his five p.m cup of tea and was about to knock when the door opened to reveal a dishevelled, bedraggled looking Remus. He blinked at her several times from behind his smeared, fingerprint-ridden, gold rimmed glasses. Not expecting him to say anything, Dora opened her arms for him and he fell right into them.
~~~
After that he became a quiet presence downstairs more often. Though not speaking much or interacting at all particularly with anyone, he was there and they all made an effort to not smother him too much. Collectively, the Order had agreed to not really mention what had happened and try to comfort him in subtle ways rather than overwhelm him. That consisted of: Molly knitting him a new red and yellow scarf, Hermione reheating his forgotten tea if she noticed it had gone cold, Harry laying a blanket over his curled body if he had fallen asleep on the couch. In more ways than one, they all contributed to his better well being and comfort in whatever ways they could. Dora herself had picked up an old ‘Rubber Soul’ record from a charity shop nearby, one of the ones Remus did not possess in his collection, and had gifted it to him.
Remus grieved for a long while. But eventually, he started to brighten again, much to the relief of the Order who were all really quite worried for him. It wasn’t scarcely known how much Remus had loved Sirius or how heartbroken he was both times Sirius was taken from him. Remus had dealt with a lot of death in his life, all of his old school friends were taken in the first war, his father died when he was very young and his mother had passed while he was still only in school. So it was good to see him out and about once again.
It was quite some time later before anything of great importance happened within the Order. The next year was, repeatedly, a quiet one spent undercover and in the shadows. There weren’t as many missions, it seemed,Voldemort was laying low and keeping quiet.
However it became apparent, after a message from Mcgonagall, that his plans had succeeded in the end anyway, away from the prying eyes of the Order. One evening, sudden and unexpected, they received a message from Minerva that Dumbledore had been killed. By Snape.
This came as a shock to everyone, including Harry who was greatly affected by the loss. Voldemort knew exactly what needed to be done in order to win this war, and, recognised by all, killing Dumbledore was a perfect blow to his enemies. Murdering Dumbledore was just another evil, uncharitable thing for him to do to knock the Order back.
~~~
Aside from Dumbledore’s death, Remus was better. Him and Dora spent a lot more time together, discussing herbology and listening to records on the player. Despite not having entertained it for a very long time, Dora began to feel her adoration for the man return, strong as ever. During the time the two now spent together, she fell in love with him all over again. Selfish as it was, knowing that he loved and always would love Sirius, whether he was there or not, she still did. It was impossible not to. She tried to ignore it. Tried to fall out of it again. But seeing as they spent almost every spare minute together, it was not so easily done.
Maybe, she thought, she could be subtle about it. Continue being friends alongside feelings. But it hurt. Deep in her chest, it really hurt when she remembered that he didn’t feel the same, and never would. She even debated at one point trying to distance herself, but she just couldn’t forget about him. She did not have physical strength to drag herself away from a man so riveting. She just couldn’t not love him. It was excruciating.
~~~
One Saturday, around nine months after Sirius’ death, she and Remus were sitting on a bench together in a nearby park. It was a pleasantly mild March day, the sun gently emanating down on the pair whilst they snacked on a large portion of chips from the local chippy. They sat side by side in comfortable silence, one of them occasionally remarking something about the latest Prophet articles. Both of them had long finished their lunch and Dora was just about to stand and suggest they head back, when Remus softly took hold of her wrist and pulled her back down to sit.
Confused, she turned her head over to look at the other man, and their eyes met for a few seconds. Long enough for Dora to notice the different flecks of green in the hazel of his irises. Remus did not move or speak, so she just stared back at him, into the deep depths of his eyes, her eyebrows pinched together in bewilderment. A minute. Two, and then Remus turned his palm into her own and linked their fingers together in a gesture so tender, she felt a lump rise in her throat.
It was bad enough that she still carried these feelings for him, and she had never once allowed herself to believe that he could ever feel the same for her. Though, in that moment, the concept of him feeling a similar way seemed evermore promising by the very seconds that ticked away as they stared at each other. The calloused, scarred fingers looped about her own gave a soft squeeze, the only warning she received, before Remus was leaning forward and pressing his lips into hers delicately. Shakily, he brought his other trembling hand up to her cheek as her eyes fluttered closed.
Remus pulled away just as quickly as he had leaned in, scratching the back of his neck with a sheepish smile on his face. For a moment he looks almost identical to his younger self, full of life and awkward. Dora noticed suddenly that he had clearly never grown into his lanky arms and legs. She then reached an arm up to push his glasses up his nose, where they had slipped down almost off the end, and smiled.
~~~
It was a fragile thing they had. It was something developed over years of heartache and suffering, something precious that ought to be protected. But it was also something selfish. Deep down, Dora always knew that the love of her life never truly loved her the same, but even so, she would accept any part of Remus that he had to offer. After all those years she spent trying and trying and trying to fall out of love, when she finally realised she wouldn’t have to, what else was she to do?
Remus was a painfully considerate man who would never do anything to hurt another intentionally. He always said that he loved her and would until the end of his days, but realistically, Dora knew that he was only seeking comfort. Comfort that he would have had, all that time ago. He might’ve managed to convince himself that what he felt was love, but it wasn’t, not really.
Their relationship progressed quickly. Never particularly expecting it to go anywhere, Dora was beyond surprised when Remus proposed to her one night in their new shared flat. It wasn’t the most romantic or graceful gesture Remus had ever attempted. Shakily, he staggered onto one knee and placed a thin silver ring with a slight point in the centre that rested above her knuckle, on her finger.
It was planned for a month later, in July, they had decided against a big ceremony and traditional wedding, considering the new Ministry legislation, so instead they did it privately. It was only the two of them plus the officiator in a small unwelcoming office. Neither of them fancied anything over the top and too frilly, so Remus wore a brown tweed suit and a faded green tie, Dora in her leather, studded pinafore and striped purple button up. Afterwards they walked across the road to their usual chippy because Remus had wanted something “cheap and greasy”.
That evening, after the sun had gone down and they were dozing side by side on the sofa, Dora decided was a good time to mention;
“I’m pregnant, knobhead, not been very fun and exciting so far like they make it out to be all the bloody time, so thanks very much, you old prick.”
Remus sat bolt upright so suddenly he had to wince as his back gave a loud crunch, but he quickly schooled his face into blankness. He stared directly forward at the cluttered coffee table in front of the sofa, littered with letters, bills, the odd, forgotten paperweight, rings burned into the wood from scalding mugs of tea. Then his mouth dropped open, jaw hanging slack in shock.
“Ey?” he said, incredulously as he furrowed his eyebrows, left the nostril and corner of his mouth crooking up, “What d’you mean?” He turned his head very slowly towards her, still looking off to the side, not making eye contact.
“I mean, I’m going to pop out a kid in 9 months you daft sod.”
Remus began to laugh. A loud, startled laugh that was slightly jarring, but a laugh nonetheless, which she took as a good sign. Hopefully he won’t make a run for it in the middle of the night.
“Are you havin’ me on?”
“No! Bloody hell.” and he pulled her into a tight hug.
That was one of the last, genuinely happy days the two enjoyed together. Peace didn’t last much longer after that.
~~~
Edward (Teddy) Lupin was born in April 1998. As much as Dora loved him, really he was a beautiful little boy that she would never change for the world, he was probably one of the biggest mistakes of her life. He was born crying and with colourful hair in St. Mungo’s. She loved him from the second she found out he was alive, but her heart swelled as the little boy took his first breath.
But.
He was born into a war. Into a corrupted world with an uncertain future. Dora didn’t know who would win and she didn’t know what things would be like when it was over, or even if it ever would be. It broke her heart to think that she might have to raise him in a world where he was not safe or treated the same as others just because he was a halfblood. Sometimes she would only have to look at him and she’d well up, the lump in her throat threatening to choke her. Her eyes would spill over and she’d cry just for the thought that he could be in danger for the rest of his life.
She protected him for as long as she could, hid him away from anything harmful. Until the time came for her to leave. She had stayed with him for as long as she could manage, knowing that anything could go wrong and she might never see him again. It had been arranged that Teddy would be cared for by his grandmother, Andromeda, if need be, so she was content in the notion that he would be cared for, regardless of the outcome of what was to come.
Dora laid him in his crib, one final time, and pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead, for potentially, she’d never be able to again. She stood and watched him for a moment. Her wonderful son, courtesy of her wonderful husband, his tufts of blue and brown hair sprouting from his malleable baby head. Remus, next to her, wrapped his arms around her, cupping the back of her neck with a warm, rough hand. They cried together, desperately hoping to return.
Except, they didn’t, did they?
It was relatively painless. On her part at the very least. The adrenaline coursing through her veins kept her going, even as she creased forward and hobbled from a badly, half-heartedly healed broken rib. She couldn’t feel it, it was like it never happened. In a final effort to keep going, she clambered over the rubble of the castle and shot an incendio at an unsuspecting death eater. She watched, delighted as they burned. The last thing she heard was a violent cry of pain from somewhere nearby and a killing curse yelled from the nearly dead death eater.
She just had enough time to wonder where Remus was. Or Teddy. Before death finally overtook her, she hoped with every ounce of hope she had left to spare, that Remus would survive to look after Teddy or maybe-
Then it just stopped.
The thoughts stopped, the pounding in her ears stopped, the beating of her heart stopped.
Everything went suddenly silent and black. And that was it.
~~~
Remus did not live to raise Teddy. Teddy grew up loved by his grandmother and his godfather and his godfather’s friends. He grew up with blue hair and a fondness of herbology. He grew up safe and sound in a better world, created for him by wonderful, brave people. He grew up.
Four years later he broke a bone for the first time.
Seven years later he brewed his first potion with the help of his grandmother.
Eleven years later, he was sorted into Hufflepuff. Shy, to begin with and apprehensive around all these new people. He quickly befriended the Care of Magical Creatures teacher, Professor Hagrid, who was warm hearted and taught him a little bit extra when Teddy would visit him in his Gameskeeper hut.
When they met for the first time, Teddy was in awe of the huge man. Swamped by his tall frame as only an eleven year old boy, he stared up at the bearded man, who seemed to stare back in vague recognition.
“Ah, I know just who you are,” he grumbled in a thick, heavy west country accent, “Harry told me to watch out for you. You must be Edward Lupin, I must say you look just like your fath-”
“Don’t call me Edward.”