i was afraid of wandering
Tomorrow was finally the day. Chaeyoung was getting top surgery.
Chaeyoung couldn’t sleep. Their mind was full of what-ifs as anxiety and adrenaline pumped through their veins.
They suddenly bolted upright, knocking a sleeping Mina off their chest. Mina's eyes flicked open.
“Chaeng?” she asked, her voice thick with worry.
“Fuck!” Chaeyoung whisper-screamed, “Did I shower wrong again?”
Mina slowly blinked and cocked her head in confusion.
Oh. Right, the special soap and everything before the surgery.
“No, baby,” Mina reassured. I literally handed you the soap. You’re fine, I promise.”
Chaeyoung mumbled an apology and slunk back down into bed.
Mina tucked her head through Chaeng’s arm to lie on their chest again. Her hand rested on Chaeng’s chest as she traced lazy circles on their sternum.
“Why are you so worried?” Mina muttered.
“I dunno,” Chaeyoung replied. “I guess I’m just worried things will go wrong.”
Tears welled in their eyes as their chest grew tighter. Chaeyoung hadn’t realized how much they’d been worried about top surgery.
“I mean, what if I’m making a mistake?”
At that, Mina's eyes snapped open, and her hand stilled. She propped herself up on her elbow and cupped Chaeyoung’s cheek with her free hand.
“Do you really think so?”
Tears started to spill from Chaeyoung’s eyes. All the anxieties they’d left unspoken were starting to come out.
Mina pulled her partner in close, stroking her hair softly and murmuring reassurances as she pressed her lips onto their forehead.
“If it’s really not what you want, I’ll call the office right now. We can cancel, you don’t have to get surgery, Chaengie.”
Chaeyoung’s eyes widened at that.
“NO!”
The loudness of their own voice in the dead of night startled them.
“Sorry,” Chaeyoung said sheepishly after seeing Mina jump like a spooked cat. “Sorry, that was loud, I just…”
Mina shot them a soft smile and nodded to let them continue.
“I do want top surgery,” Chaeyoung whispered. “But I don’t want to make things harder for anyone. I don’t want to be seen as a boy, I’m a lesbian after all.”
Mina let out a chuckle. That’swhat you worry about? Mina thought. You literally walk around with a carabiner and a double venus tattoo… no one with a brain would ever think anything but dyke. Tits or not.
“And what if it confuses my parents? What if they’ll never see me the same again?” Chaeyoung breathed.
“First of all,” Mina started, “your parents love you so much. You will always be their Chaeyoung, nothing will ever change that. Secondly, have you seen yourself? No one in their right mind would clock you as a boy, baby you are a butch through and through.”
Mina nodded her head towards Chaeyoung’s double venus tattoo on their wrist.
Chaeyoung let out a giggle.
“Yeah,” they said. “You’re right. You always are. It’s annoying, really.”
“Please, you love it,” Mina snarked. “You love me.”
“Yeah, I kinda really love you.”
“I love you too,” Mina said as she swiped some stray tears off of her partner's cheek. “Now, can we get some rest? You have to be up semi-early tomorrow.”
Chaeyoung just nodded and slung their arm around Mina again, who took no hesitation in nestling her head on Chaeyoung’s chest again.
Mina felt herself dozing off to the muffled beat of Chaeyoung’s heart. She could hear it slow down as Chaeyoung fell asleep.
—————
Chaeyoung opened their eyes and squinted in the morning light to see their girlfriend's face tucked in between her pillow and favorite stuffed animal. Her limbs were sprawled all over the bed, including Chaeyoungs legs.
Chaeyoung smiled and rolled over to grab their phone. It was 6:43; nerves had woken them up earlier than needed. They quickly turned off the alarm set for 7, they decided they would just wake Mina after their shower. The pair didn’t have to leave until 8 anyway.
Chaeyoung opened KakaoTalk to see if they had missed any messages. Their phone was always set to silent, the constant dings got overwhelming.
They smiled when they saw a text from their family.
Mom-
You got this, baby! We will be by the hospital in time, we are leaving now.
Dad-
You got this tiger! Don’t forget Mr. Ttalgi ( Mr. Ttalgi is the name of their stuffed bunny.)
Dipshit-
❤️
Chaeng-
ty!!! c u soon ❤️❤️❤️
Their brother had sent them a text outside of the groupchat.
Dipshit-
im gonna fucking die its so early.
fuck u for making me get up at 6 am
u better buy me a pc for this
Chaeng-
sorry is SURGERY not enough to get ur lazy ass up??
ill get you uber eats for two weeks. final offer
Dipshit-
fine. that works.
Chaeng-
ty for coming
ily
Dipshit-
(Requested 25 dollars)
prove it then
Chaeng-
i will never be nice to u again
Dipshit-
rude
c u soon
ily.
Chaeyoung smiled Jeonghoon (their younger brother) may get on their nerves but they loved the fuck out of that kid. Chaeyoung had been saving up for that PC, but they were keeping it a secret for now.
Mina shifted next to them, pulling Chaeyoung out of their thoughts. Their girlfriend scooted closer and wrapped her delicate arms around Chaeyoung's waist.
Chaeyoung glanced at their phone; it was already 7, but they didn’t want to wake Mina. But Mina’s arm had them trapped in place, and they had to get up and shower, so there was no choice.
They tried to carefully pry themselves from Mina’s grip and pushed themselves out of bed. Mina's eyes stayed shut, but Chaeyoung didn’t miss the grumble of disapproval that escaped her lips.
Chaeyoung leaned over and placed a little peck on Mina’s forehead.
“I’m just gonna shower,” Chaeyoung said. “I’ll be right back.”
Mina just pouted in response, failing to pull Chaeyoung back into bed.
Chaeyoung slipped into the bathroom and grabbed the pamphlet. Even though they had read that thing up and down countless times, they reread it to make sure they didn’t shower wrong.
They groaned at the reminder of no lotion after showering, they would be going into surgery feeling ashy as fuck.
The scalding water helped soothe some of the nerves that were coursing through Chaeyoung’s body, but their mind still raced with what-ifs. Chaeyoung went through all the motions: shampoo and rinse first (no conditioner allowed no matter how much their damaged hair needed it), washing their body, and then washing their face.
The cold air outside the shower hit Chaeyoung hard, and they shivered as they wrapped themselves up in their towel. They whipped their hands off on the towel and grabbed their phone.
It was already 7:20, they would have to wake Mina and leave soon.
In the meantime, Chaeyoung slipped on their lucky boxers, a pair of pink boxers with little berries on them. The boxers had never served Chaeyoung wrong. They had even worn them on their first date with Mina, and well, that was going pretty well, Chaeyoung thought.
They pulled on their favorite pair of gym shorts and an oversized shirt they’d stolen from Jeongyeon. They took all their piercings out; the ears were easy, but the brow piercing was tricky. After a few failed attempts, they finally unscrewed, and Chaeyoung plopped their jewelry in the little ceramic tray Mina had made for them on their date.
Chaeyoung felt their chest tighten with anxiety as they picked up their phone. They found themselves mindlessly dialing Jeongyeon's number.
“Hey Cub! It’s the big day!” Jeongyeon shouted through the line.
“What if she stops loving me after,” Cheayoung said. “What if she leaves me when I wake up.”
“What the fuck,” Jeongyeon said confused. “Who, Mina?”
“Yeah,” Chaeyoung replied.
“Don’t be stupid,” Jeongyeon laughed. “That girl drools over you, she’s not going anywhere. Trust me, I tried.”
Chaeyoung heard a yelp through the line. Sana must’ve smacked Jeongyeon for that one.
“Okay, I take it back, Jesus,” Jeongyeon muttered. “But seriously, beast, you’ll be fine. Mina looks at you like you put the stars in the sky.”
“Yeah, she never shuts up about you,” Sana chipped in. “Our gossip sessions have turned into gushing about Son Chaeyoung sessions.”
Chaeyoung could feel Sana’s playful eye roll through the phone.
“Weren’t you ever scared though?” Chaeyoung asked softly.
“Duh,” Jeongyeon replied. “It’s surgery, the risk is always terrifying. But the result is so worth it. I promise you’ll be just fine, beast.”
“Okay,” Chaeyoung muttered. “Sorry to bother you, you’re already doing so much for me today.”
“Don’t get sappy on me now, beast, it’s nothing,” Jeongyeon quipped back.
“By the way, is Mina there?” Sana asked. “Tell her to bring my lipstick back, I miss it.”
“Shit!” Chaeyoung yelped. “I didn’t wake her up yet!”
“Well go! I need my special lipstick back, they stopped making it!”
“I think there’s something more important than your lipstick at stake, baby,” Jeongyeon coughed.
Chaeyoung heard another yelp through the phone. Jeongyeon definitely earned a smack with that remark.
“CHAEYOUNG-AH CALL THE COPS PLEA-” Jeongyeon’s scream was cut off by the call ending.
Chaeyoung just chuckled, those two were always play-fighting. It used to get on their nerves, but they’ve gotten used to it. They’d never say it out loud, but they did find it kind of cute.
Shit. Mina!
Chaeyoung b-lined for the bedroom, and to her surprise, Mina was already up and tugging a crewneck sweater over her head.
“Huh?”
“I could hear Jeong’s scream from the room,” Mina said, shrugging her shoulders.
Just then, Chaeyoung’s phone pinged, and a message from Jeongyeon appeared.
LEZWICE
Big Butch-
be there in 15 beast.
Shasha-
MINA, YOU BETTER HAVE MY LIPSTICK
please :(
i miss it…
Wifey-
it’s in my bag love
srry i forgot i still had it >__<
Mina grabbed the backpack that was full of Chaeyoung’s comfort items and started rifling through it.
“Ttalgi check, blanket check, brush check, Tim-bear check,” Mina paused for a second. “Are there any snacks you think you’ll want?”
“Just whatever's in our cupboards,” Chaenyoung said. “Anything but hospital food please.”
“Noted baby,” Mina smiled.
She took the bag into the kitchen and filled it with ramen snacks, dried strawberries, and gummies. She made a mental note to ask Sana and Jeong to pick up some onigiri while they were at the hospital.
“They’re almost here!” Chaeyoung called from the bedroom.
“Okay!” Mina replied, “I’m ready!”
Chaeyoung shuffled into the kitchen, they looked like they were drowning in the hoodie they had just put on. They had a folder tucked under their arm.
Mina chuckled at the sight.
“Don’t tease,” Chaeyoung whined.
“You’re just so cute,” Mina pouted in response. “Do you have everything you need? Are your papers in there?”
Mina nodded towards the folder, which was now being cradled by both arms in front of Chaeyoung’s stomach.
“Yup,” Chaeyoung said. “I’ve got my wallet in my pocket too.”
“Better to put everything in the bag,” Mina said. “You know, so you don't lose it…”
Chaeyoung looked like they were about to protest but just stuck their tongue out and handed everything over to be tucked neatly away in the bag.
Just as Mina finished packing things up, the couple heard a familiar car horn.
“I wish they would stop doing that,” Mina said with a frown.
“C’mon, let's go,” Chaeyoung giggled. “You can scold them in the car.”
Mina just grumbled she was not a morning person, and the honking was not helping.
The couple loaded up in Jeongyeon’s Subaru, who had been teased relentlessly for buying the car (because, well, walking stereotype much?).
“Ready, beast?” Jeongyeon asked, glancing at Chaeyoung through the rearview mirror.
“As I’ll ever be,” Chaeyoung replied with a sheepish smile.
Mina reached over the middle seat to squeeze Chaeyoung’s hand and shoot her a reassuring look. Chaeyoung’s smile melted into a genuine one.
No matter how anxious they got, Mina was always there. Mina was their rock, she always had been, even before they started dating. In a sea of uncertainty, Chaeyoung knew she could find solid ground in Mina’s arms.
“Lipstick, please,” Sana whined, craning her neck over from the passenger seat to shoot playful daggers at Mina.
Well, so much for a romantic moment. Chaeyoung thought to themself.
Mina dug around in her purse and pulled out what looked like a little Betty Boop figurine, but it was just an exclusive Glossier x Betty Boop matte lipstick.
She dropped it softly into Sana’s waiting palm.
“My baby!” Sana cooed, clutching the lipstick tightly in her hand. “Oh, I missed you so much. I’ll never lend you to anyone ever again.”
“Ouch,” Jeongyoen snarked. “I thought I was your baby.”
Sana just rolled her eyes and pinched Jeongyeon's cheek.
“You’re such a drama queen,” Sana giggled. “Obviously you’re my number one baby. But I would sell you for a lifetime supply of Betty’s.”
Jeongyeon turned her head and put on a pathetic show of puppy dog eyes and a blubbery pout.
Chaeyoung gagged in the back seat.
“DISGUSTING!” they shouted. “Get a room!”
Sana and Mina burst into giggles. Sana turned over to stick a tongue out at Chaeyoung before planting a sloppy kiss on Jeongyeon's cheek.
Chaeyoung groaned in protest again but was stopped mid-grumble by a cheek kiss from her own femme.
Mina watched with a stupid grin as a bright red blush started to creep across Chaeyoung’s face.
“There,” Mina stated, clearly satisfied with her work. “Now it’s even.”
Chaeyoung really didn’t have an argument for that. They just scooted closer to Mina and laid their head on her shoulder.
Sana glanced back at Mina and shot her a wink.
“Can you play some music?” Mina asked. “It’s quiet as fuck for no reason.”
“Sure,” Sana said. “You want the aux?”
“No, it’s fine,” Mina said. “You do it.”
“Any requests for the band?”
“Can you play Brave?” Chaeyoung asked.
Chaeyoung just shut their eyes and leaned deeper into Mina, wrapping their arms around her waist and wishing they could just crawl inside Mina's sweater to be even closer.
They remembered the writing process for Brave, they had just started dating Mina back then. After what felt like a decade of pining, they finally confessed right after one of Mina’s performances in Seoul. They were a stuttering sobbing mess, and Mina had stood there with tears in her eyes as she lifted Chaeyoung’s chin and kissed them hard.
Chaeyoung could never forget that moment; they felt the world stop for a minute, and they felt brave. So maybe it was a little cliche, but Brave was a song that always brought Chaeyoung back to Mina.
Chaeyoung found themself drifting to sleep as Mina sang along softly with Jeongyeon and Sana. It reminded them of all the times they fell asleep in the green room with the team going over lyrics.
—————
Mina looked at Chaeyoung asleep on her shoulder and found herself praying that nothing would go wrong during the surgery. Her face must’ve been twisted with anxiety because Sana turned around with a knowing look on her face.
“They’ll be okay,” Sana said. “I promise.”
Mina let out a shaky sigh and gave Sana a shy smile.
“Let’s talk about it later, okay?” Sana said. “Promise me you’ll actually talk to me about it.”
Mina nodded and let out a soft yeah. Sana knew to just accept it with a smile and badger her about it later. Right now, the younger girl's priority was getting her partner to the hospital. Seeing the two of them all cuddled in the back seat took Sana back to Jeongyeons top surgery.
“They really are just like us,” Sana whispered as she leaned over the middle console.
“Yeah, but shorter and nerdier,” Jeongyeon replied, with a derpy smirk plastered on their lips.
Sana giggled and smacked them on the arm, pulling a yelp out of the older one. Mina shot them a look through the mirror, and the older couple mumbled a sheepish apology.
Mina spent the rest of the drive anxiously fiddling with Chaeyoung’s fingers as the older couple giggled and chatted in the front.
It wasn’t long before the hospital came into view. Mina gently nudged Chaeyoung awake and pressed a gentle kiss to their forehead.
“We’re here!” Jeongyeon announced from the front. “We’ll just drop you off at the front and find parking.”
Chaeyoung rubbed the sleep from their eyes and blinked a few times to orient themself. They stretched their arms and reluctantly lifted their head from Mina’s shoulder.
They shot Mina a smile when they saw Mina staring at them with worry.
“I’ll be okay,” Chaeyoung whispered.
Mina just nodded silently.
“Please don’t pick at ur skin,” Chaeyoung added with a giggle.
That got them a playful nudge on the shoulder from Mina.
Though, behind the giggles, they both knew Chaeyoung was serious. Mina’s anxieties tended to creep silently, and Chaeyoung didn’t want Mina worrying to her own detriment.
Mina and Chaeyoung slid out of the car with their stuff and waved bye to the older couple.
Sana rolled down to her window to wave overenthusiastically.
“Bye!” she shouted. “We’ll be there soon! I miss you already!”
The couple just giggled at Jeongyeon’s eye roll in response to her clingy girlfriend. Sana had to experience time like a puppy because five minutes felt like five hours to her.
Mina grabbed Chayeoung’s hand and pulled it to her lips for a kiss.
“Ready?” she asked with a smile tugging at her lips.
“I think so,” Chaeyoung said. “I’m for sure ready for the drugs.”
Mina giggled and nudged them on the shoulder. Chaeyoung let out a gasp of disbelief before breaking into giggles as they walked into the hospital.
Checking in was easy, and the couple found their way to the waiting room. They had arrived more than half an hour early to the appointment, so they had time to kill.
Chaeyoung slipped their phone out of their hoodie pocket and flicked through their messages.
Mom-
Finding parking, be up soon!
Shasha-
imy chaengie don’t go into surgery w/o a hug from me
make them wait if they try to take u now
Moshell-
ready for my titty transplant
Dubfu-
good luck today! i love you so so much, i’ll come visit you after the surgery! work has me swamped this morning, they wouldn’t let me reschedule the shoot for tomorrow :( i’ll bring you flowers!
Tzumong-
u got this ! i have cookies for u btw
i baked them myself
if u say anything mean abt them imma imbue them with the plague
Zyorida-
u got this babe! i love you so much :]
Yeowowo-
good luck gay!
ill be there after my recording hopefully…
if only i had surgery to get out of recording today…
Chaeyoung chuckled to themself. It always surprised them how much of a family they had now. They would’ve never imagined these 8 people becoming such an integral part of their life but without them… Chaeyoung didn’t even want to think about it.
—————
Mina felt anxiety consume her body, despite her hesitance to admit it. She wasn’t the one having surgery, but her body was pins and needles all over. Her knees were bouncing up and down as she glanced over at Chaeyoung, who was just grinning at her phone, likely scrolling through messages or TikToks.
At the sight of her partner so relaxed, Mina felt some of her nerves ease. It was odd how just seeing Chaeyoung smile settled her racing heart and spread a warm blush across her cheeks.
Mina checked the time, they still had a good fifteen minutes left before the scheduled appointment.
As she glanced up from her phone, she noticed the Son family walking in, with Jeongyeon and Sana trailing along behind them.
The five were giggling, and Sana was laughing so hard she nearly shoved Jeongyeon into the door frame. If Mina had to guess, Jeongyeon had probably begged Mrs. Son for embarrassing Chaeyoung stories.
Jeonghoon loved nothing more than to tease his big sibling with Jeongyeon. It was Chaeyoung’s nightmare, they often spent those mini-family reunions with their face flushed red and buried into Mina’s shoulder, muttering how they were gonna kill those two.
Mina glanced over at Chaeyoung, who was currently rolling their eyes so far back into their skull that she worried they might get stuck.
Chaeyoung proceeded to be completely swallowed by hugs and punches to the arm.
Sana, being Sana, gave Chaeyoung a big kiss on the cheek, which pulled a squeal of terror out of the younger one as they tried frantically to rub the kiss off.
“No makeup allowed, Sana!” Chaeyoung whined.
“Sorry,” Sana pouted as she fished through her purse to pull out a makeup wipe. “Miss Betty is non-transferable though, see?”
She wiped Chaeyoungs cheek and proudly showed them the lipstick-free wipe. Chaeyoung just huffed in response. Sana had a satisfied smirk plastered on her face as she waved the wipe in front of them.
In the meantime, Chaeyoung's family had gone to greet Mina, and the four of them were chatting about medical forms and the like. Well, Jeonghoon just kind of stood there and nodded occasionally, he was much more immersed in whatever game he had on his phone.
The Sons were understandably worried about the surgery, and Mina tried her best to reassure them. Her father had actually performed some surgeries back in Japan, so she was slightly familiar with the process.
Chaeyoungs name was soon called. They would have to do this part alone, so with a little squeeze from Mina, they followed the nurse through the looming double doors.
————
Chaeyoung felt their nerves prickle as they left their family behind.
“Nervous?” the nurse asked, clearly aware that the kid looked like a spooked cat.
Chaeyoung couldn’t muster a response, so they just nodded meekly.
“It’ll be okay,” the nurse said with a smile. “My name’s Byul, by the way,” they added, tapping their name tag.
“Chaeyoung,” the younger one responded shyly. “You can just call me Chaeng, though.”
“You’re in good hands with Dr. Song,” Byul said. “She actually did mine years ago, it’s what got me into nursing.”
Chaeyoung just nodded. They felt reassured, but anxiety still nipped at their feet.
Byul ushered them into a small room with a bed and took out a gown and a little paper bracelet. They slipped the bracelet on Chaeyoung’s wrist.
“Can you change into the gown for me?” Byul asked. “Make sure the tie is in the front. You can leave your underwear on. When you’re all done, just open up the curtain, and the doctor will be right with you.”
Chaeyoung just nodded as Byul smiled and drew the curtain closed. They changed so fast as their life depended on it, and shoved their clothes into the bag on the bed. They opened up the curtain and then hopped up onto the bed.
With some time to kill waiting for the doctor, Chaeyoung took out their phone.
Wifey-
How’s it going baby?
imy
ill be there the minute they let me
i promise
Chaeng-
imyt
im okay! waiting 4 the doc
————
Mina felt like pacing up and down the hospital but settled for bouncing her leg. She hated that she wasn’t allowed to follow Chaeyoung. It felt selfish of her, of course, the doctors knew what they were doing, but Mina wanted to be there to make sure.
Sana plopped down next to Mina with a sigh. She reached out and put her hand on the younger girl's thigh, halting the bouncing.
“Talk to me,” Sana said with a smile. “You promised.”
Mina just huffed. She was never one to willingly talk about her anxieties, especially in public.
“I’m not gonna sit by and watch your anxiety consume you, Mina,” Sana said, with a little bit more of an edge than intended.
Sana sighed when Mina just stared at the ground.
“You know I’ve been there,” Sana said, her tone softened. “When Jeongie went under, I was terrified. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to burden them. It ate me up inside. If it weren’t for Momoling, I would’ve fully crashed out. Please, let me in, Minari.”
Mina looked up, even she was not invincible to Sana’s whiny tone and nicknames. When she locked eyes with the older girl, she felt tears well in her eyes.
“I’m so scared,” Mina admitted, her voice tiny. “What if something goes wrong? What if they fuck something up, what if they get hurt?”
Mina couldn’t hold the tears back any longer, they spilled from her eyes and just kept flowing down her cheeks. Sana pulled the younger girl in closer and held her tight.
“You know you don’t always have to be strong,” Sana whispered. “You and your little butch, always trying to be tough. There’s nothing wrong with being weak sometimes. We’re human, after all.”
Mina just sniffled into Sana’s shirt.
“Whatever happens,” Sana continued, “we will deal with it. As a family. All 9 of us. You are never alone, you know, you always have us. But also, we are at a hospital with one of the best gender-affirming care systems in the world. Chaeyoung will be just fine. I promise.”