Beep… beep… beep.
The trilling dial tone of their home phone sounds muffled in James’s ears, like someone stuffed cotton inside them.
Beep… beep… beep.
James’s fingers tangle themselves tightly into the coil of the phone cord where it attaches to the wall. The knuckles on his left hand ache from where he digs them into the matte black plastic of the receiver.
Beep… beep… beep.
“We’re sorry. The number you are trying to reach is not available. At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished recording you may hang up.”
Beep.
A small punched-out sound leaves James’s throat as his back hits the kitchen wall. His legs give out almost immediately on the impact and he helplessly sinks down against the floral wallpaper behind him, landing on the wood floor with a dull thud.
The message cuts itself off with another beep. Regulus didn’t pick up. Again.
James lets his head forward fall into his hands and the phone clatters to the ground beside him. He can feel the hot sting of tears leaking from the corners of his eyes, running down his cheeks in shiney rivulets.
Why couldn’t he have just dropped it? He shouldn’t have let Regulus leave the house. He should have gone after him. How could he be so stupid? He had one job— to protect Regulus and keep him safe, and he couldn’t even do that. God, why is he so useless.
James haphazardly pushes his glasses up his forehead to swipe at the tears in his eyes. A sob claws its way up his throat and he can feel his whole body shake with the force of it. God damnit.
He promised himself he wouldn’t do this. He promised Regulus that no matter how angry he felt, or what Regulus had done, that he would never do this. He promised , over and over again like a mantra in his head.
He thought— stupidly— that if he tried hard enough that he wouldn’t let Regulus down like he had everyone else. That if he just took a deep breath and held it all in, they would be okay. But now, Regulus’s face— his eyes big and glassy with unshed tears, the way he had flinched when James reached out to him— flashes behind his eyelids every time he blinks.
James presses the heels of his hands up into his eye sockets until all he can see are dancing splotches of color behind his eyelids. How did he screw this up so badly?
— ~ —
Regulus Arcturus black does not cry. Except he does. He cries big ugly tears that fall from his cheeks and soak Sirius’s shirt where Regulus has made his home for the last hour.
He hadn’t explained much to Sirius, just showed up at his and Remus’s flat and threw himself on his brother. Sirius had taken it in stride and wrapped his arms around Regulus, holding him in the doorway as he broke down.
Now they were standing in the entry hallway, having moved slightly so Remus could close the door before disappearing somewhere. Regulus can tell Sirius is worried, stroking his back, shushing him, and petting his hair, but he doesn’t say anything and Regulus is grateful. He doesn’t know what he would say anyways. “Hey, Sirius, so you know your best mate, James— my boyfriend— yeah, well, we got into a fight and I had a panic attack because he yelled at me. No biggie, really.” Yeah, He’ll pass. Plus, it really wasn’t James’s fault. He should be able to get upset and yell sometimes without Regulus being a total mess about it. In truth, he hadn’t even been yelling at Regulus, just snapped at him to leave him alone while he was working.
Objectively, Regulus understands that James hadn’t meant to hurt his feelings or make him upset, he was just stressed about a child trafficking case at The Ministry and he got frustrated, but Regulus's stupid brain kept telling him that James didn’t want him anymore— that he wasn't good enough. Even as James was pleading with him to stay, he couldn’t stop thinking that he was going to get hurt if he did. So, he put grabbed his shoes and went to the closest person to a parent he’s ever had.
Regulus sniffles, wiggling an arm between himself and Sirius's chest to swipe at his nose with the cuff of his sweater. “Do you want a tissue?” Sirius asks, already moving away to reach for the box on the entryway table. Regulus takes the square and turns to wipe his face, shakily composing himself before he turns back to Sirius. His brother looks at him like he’s a kicked puppy and Regulus can’t even be angry about it because he probably looks like one. “What happened, Reg?”
“I—” Regulus chokes on his words and the tears begin again, so much for the tissue.
Sirius is by his side in an instant, pulling Regulus’s head into his chest. Regulus fights him, pushes at his chest as half formed apologies spilling from him like a broken faucet. Sirius grabs Regulus by his shoulders and pulls him forcefully into his arms. “Regulus, stop it. It’s okay. I’m your brother and I want to help you. We don’t have to talk about it until you’re ready. Just— please, don’t fight me.”
Regulus goes limp against his brother’s chest, all the fight zapped out of him. Suddenly, he feels so tired, like the only thing holding him up right now is Sirius’s arm around his back. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles again, tucking his face into Sirius’s neck.
“Don’t be,” Sirius says, wrapping his other arm around Regulus. They stay like that for a while, hugging in Sirius’s entryway, until Remus rounds the corner to ask if they want to move to the sitting room. Sirius glances at Regulus, questioning, and Regulus nods wordlessly.
The three of them walk down the entry hall and Remus opens the door to the den. Immediately upon entering the room, Regulus can feel the warmth emanating from the fireplace, and he welcomes the change from the frigid cold of the rest of the house. He follows his brother past the mahogany coffee table to the patchwork sofa, taking the place next to him as they sit down. Remus offers him tea and he takes it with a quiet “thank you.” Remus smiles at him and goes to sit on the adjacent armchair with his book. Regulus curls his legs underneath himself and sips at his tea, the mug warming his frozen fingers.
“So,” Sirius starts, grabbing Regulus’s attention as he turns toward him on the couch, “are you going to tell me what happened or am I going to have to call James?”
Despite himself, Regulus tenses at the mention of James. Sirius's eyes track the movement and his eyes widen, the playful smile dropping off his face.
“No,” Sirius breathes, utter horror filling his voice. “Regulus, did he hurt you?”
Regulus’s eyes snap up to his brother’s, shocked to find them full of rage. “God, Sirius, no. Of course not. I mean— it’s James,” Regulus assures.
“Oh, okay. Good.” Sirius lets out a breath, his shoulders visibly relaxing. “What happened then?”
“It really wasn’t his fault. He snapped at me and it just— well, you know. He kept trying to comfort me, but I didn’t register that it was him. So, I— I just— Oh, god, Sirius, I left.” By now, the tears were back in force and Sirius moved to take the mug of tea out of his brothers shaking hands. Regulus’s breaths came in watery gasps and his face fell into his now empty hands. How could he have done that? James is probably all alone in their house right now, out of his mind worrying because Regulus can’t get it together.
“Regulus, hey. It’s okay,” Sirius moves to rub his brothers back, bewilderment clear in his voice.
“It’s not. None of this is okay, Sirius,” Regulus lifts his head from his hands, green eyes glassy and bloodshot, “I left him and I didn’t bring my phone and he doesn’t have his because he left it at the office. So, he can’t even call you because I know he doesn’t have your number memorized. He’s probably been sitting alone for hours at this point and I just— I left him.”
“Reggie,” Sirius’s voice is placating, like he’s talking to a small child who scraped their knee, “I’m sure James is fine. He will understand why you left. He won’t blame you.”
“Of course he won’t blame me, Sirius, because he’s going to blame himself,” Regulus sobs, “and it’s all my fault.” He turns to press his forehead into Sirius’s shoulder.
“Regulus.” The sound of the voice startles the brothers, both turning their heads to Remus, who is crouched in front of Regulus. When did he move? “Why don’t I call James for you, and tell him where you are so he doesn’t have to worry.” Regulus nods furiously, not quite trusting his voice. “Alright then, I’ll call.” Remus rises, pulling his phone out of his pocket and dialing their home phone number. Regulus can hear the buzz of the dial tone.
Beep… beep… be—
“Regulus?” James’s voice is muffled from the phone speaker, but Regulus can tell he’s been crying and it sends a pang down his spine.
“No, James, It’s Remus, but Regulus is with Sirius and I at the flat.”
“Oh thank god, Moons. You have him? Is he okay? Is he hurt?” And somehow, the fact that James is still so worried about Regulus even though he’s probably been through hell these past few hours makes Regulus feel the worst he has all night. He wishes he could hold James and tell him that it’s alright and that he didn’t mean to scare him, but he can’t, because he ran away from one of the only people who truly loves him like an idiot.
“Yes, we have him. He’s perfectly fine. I think he walked here after he left. He’s been with Sirius,” Remus says, voice tight.
“Can I talk to him?” James asks tentatively. Remus glances over to the couch where Regulus is already standing up. Remus passes the phone to him and he holds it up to his ear.
“James?” He croaks, his throat tightening around the word.
“Regulus, baby. Are you okay?” It’s the concern in James’s voice that breaks Regulus.
“I’m so sorry, James. I didn’t mean to. I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” He cries, clutching the phone to his ear.
“Oh, honey, no. Please, don’t cry. It’s okay. I promise. There’s nothing wrong with you.” For the first time tonight, Regulus actually believes it’s going to be alright.
“Can you come?” Regulus asks.
“Always,” James answers, “I’ll take the floo.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too, baby. I’ll be there in a minute.”
The line disconnects and the dial tone returns.
— ~ —
James wipes his eyes with the back of his hand as he rushes over to the fireplace and grabs a handful of floo powder from the bowl on the mantle.
“Grimmauld Place,” He says as he throws the powder into the fire, watching it roar green before stepping in.
The first thing he sees when he steps out of the fireplace is Regulus, huddled up next to Sirius on his sofa. He looks up at the sound of the floo and, so fast it's almost comical, he’s out of his seat and flinging himself at James. James catches him around the waist and buries his face in his hair, inhaling the scent of his ridiculous mint shampoo. “I’m so sorry, I promise I won’t do it again,” Regulus mumbles against James’s jumper.
James felt his heart break a little at the apology. “No, Regulus, you haven’t done anything wrong, angel. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. I just wish you hadn’t left without telling me where you were going.” Regulus lifted his head to look at James, his cheeks were stained with tears and James wiped them away with his thumb. “I love you. Nothing is ever going to change that, I swear.”
“Okay,” Regulus says, “and for the record, I love you too James, and I don’t want you beating yourself up about this.” James nodded. “Promise me, James.”
“I promise.”
“Good. Now give me a kiss.”
“You are such a demanding little thing, I don’t know how I put up with you,” James chuckles, leaning down to press his lips against Regulus’s.
— ~ —
Kissing James is like coming up for air, and Regulus has been drowning for so long. The kiss is an I’m sorry more than an I love you. It’s their wordless promise to do better next time, because god knows they are both too emotionally stunted to promise that out loud.
“Ugh, James, stop it,” Sirius whines from the other side of the room, “I do not need to see my best mate snogging with my brother.”
Regulus ignores his brother, but, to his dismay, James pulls away from the kiss, looking over Regulus’s shoulder at Sirius. “That’s too bad, Padfoot, because I plan to make out with your brother a lot more in this lifetime” he said, before dipping back down to catch Regulus in another kiss.
Sirius makes a disgusted noise and Regulus laughs against James's lips, breaking the kiss to rest his forehead against Jame’s chest. James tucks his head next to Regulus’s ear. “You have no idea how much I love you,” He whispers.
Regulus turns his head to face James who is looking at him like he hung the stars in the sky. “If you love me like I love you, I might have a better idea than you think.”