Walburga fell to her knees when she first found out about Regulus' death, the same way she did when Sirius ran away. Her hand to her mouth, stifling sobs that she didn't dare to let out, all alone in her room. Had anybody seen her like this, they wouldn't believe their eyes, Lady Walburga Black, actually grieving on her knees.
But how could she not? For all the bullshit she's put those two boys through, she was still a mother, they were her kids and she couldn't help but care for them. She DID care for them, it's no doubt, not that she would have shown it though. Not then, but now all she can think about is if one of her boys were to show up in front of her, she'd wrap her arms around them so tightly, it'd hurt. But that's it, isn't it? Her love always hurt.
But her boys couldn't show up now or ever. Because one of them was dead and the other forever enprisoned in Azkaban. It's true, for all the insults she'd spat at Sirius for his blood-traitorous behaviour, she'd be proud right now for the way he turned out. A loyal death-eater, having murdered 13 muggles. Betrayed the Potters.
But she can't be proud when she knows that is not who her son is. Sure, she's dissapointed but also well aware, her son wouldn't do this.
What the hell have they done to her son?!
Sirius, who once used to be her biggest pride. When he was a little boy, he resembled - still does - his mother so much, everybody would notice it. And he was so well-behaved. So mannered, so respectful to those who matched his class and social status. So smart. Smarter than Regulus actually, but unlike him, Sirius never liked to show it off so nobody knew how intelligent he was. How good at wandless and wordless magic. How talented at everything he tried - and succeeded - to do.
People would praise him, and he'd hide behind his mother, and his little face would get all red from embarrassment and despite it all, Walburga would find his modesty so endearing.
To think how he was rotting in a cell now...the thought was eating her alive.
She knows she is a terrible mother, yes, she's well self-aware. She knows she's traumatized those boys to no end. She knows she's the one who drove Sirius to run away. And that a part of her was at peace with that because now he was not tainting the name of Black anymore.
She knows she's the one who encouraged Regulus take the dark mark so young, and that drove him to his death.
She didn't use to regret it as much. Of course, she has always missed Sirius in her own way, after he ran away,and she couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy and anger at the thought of Sirius living with those blood-traitors Potters.
But now, all alone in her living room. Ghosts of her family surrounding her, almost real, she could see Orion on the armchair, reading The Daily Prophet with a black coffee in his hand. Stoic and cold as always, even before the boys were born. He never paid mind to anything, let alone her.
And her two baby boys running around, playing tag, giggling and being so happy, until she came into the picture.
As she was looking up to where she would have been standing all those years ago, that scowl on her face, the one she's inherited from her father, yelling at the boys to stop making so much noise and almost breaking things. The same way her father would have done to her, Alphard and Cygnus.
And the boys would stop, the smiles gone from their faces and a sad expression replacing it on Sirius' face while Regulus' contorted in a one confused. And Sirius' arm would extend, shielding Regulus from herself.
Oh, dear Sirius, always protecting his little brother from her. Did he know Regulus was dead? Had he cried? Had he regretted falling apart with him?
But Sirius and Regulus falling apart was in a way, still her fault. She drove them apart the same way she pulled away from Alphard, her little brother who she swore to protect forever, once when she was still young and stupid.
She failed him too. She failed Alphard, Orion, Cygnus and most importantly her sons, those who she was supposed to value the most in her life. That's what people say, don't they? A kid is the most beautiful gift you could get. She got two and she didn't even care until they were snatched from her hands.
Maybe she could have gone a different way. Maybe if she hadn't been so cruel, Sirius wouldn't have chosen the path he did. Maybe he would have remained loyal to his mother if she was also loyal to him, but instead she wanted to be more loyal to The Dark Lord who took away her youngest son, rather than her own kid.
She isn't perfect, she knows. She will never be. She's too damaged. And she messed up so much with her family in the past. There are some things she doesn't regret, it's true. And she is still dissapointed in Sirius for having chosen the blood-traitorous way, but her pureblood mania drove her to lose her entire family so she might as well put it as her second priority for the time she still has gotten.
They say you should cherish your kid no matter how they turn out. Why did she only cherish him when he was the puppet she wanted him to be? Perhaps because that was the only time her father had cherished her as well.
She's not perfect, Sirius isn't either. In a way, he still resembles her.