The Fallen Star

Regulus can not keep on going like this. He has to find another alternative way of avoiding James Potter. He can’t risk it. He cannot possibly start… no. Never. He won’t do that to himself. James definitely has an ulterior motive to all of this… ‘friends’ act. It has to be another one of his brother’s stupid pranks. 

Regulus' thoughts whirl around his mind as he makes his way to the great hall after training to meet up with his friends. He sits down next to Dorcas who gives him a quizzical look. 

“Who pissed in your cereal?” she asks out of nowhere. 

“Excuse me?” Regulus asks. 

“You look like you want to kill someone Reg.” she explains with a slight smirk. 

“I always look like this.” 

“Hmm nope. This is a ‘if someone so much as speaks to me I will snap’ look.” she nods to herself. 

“And yet you’re still talking.” Regulus gives her a look. 

“Those terms don’t count for me. You love me too much.” she smiles. 

“Don’t push your luck.” 

“Oh hush” she sways her hands in front of her as if dismaying Regulus’ remarks  “so what's up?” She leans towards Regulus on her elbows and places her chin on her hands. 

“Nothing, I’m fine.” he tries to end the conversation. To his luck Evan and Barty approach their table, laughing between themselves. Barty sits next to Regulus and Evan idly places himself beside Dorcas. Barty gives one look at Regulus and starts laughing. 

“Bloody hell, what crawled up your ass and died?” he comments. 

“Seriously, you too?” Regulus heaves an exasperated sigh. 

“Reg, if looks could kill I’d be dead on the ground.” 

“Oh how I wish that was true right about now.” Regulus pushes out through gritted teeth. 

“No you don’t, you love me too much.” 

“That’s what I said!” Dorcas chimes in and earns a high five from Barty, laughing with each other as if they’ve won a prize for their little game. Regulus rolls his eyes and looks towards Evan. 

“Any more snarky remarks?” he demands. Evan raises his arms in the air and smiles at him. 

“It’s their deathbed, not mine.” he surrenders. Regulus hums and looks down at the table. He wishes he could be alone right now. The noises around him makes him feel like he’s stuck in his room again, being yelled at by his mother for not “contributing” to her wishes. He tries to shut his eyes and tune out the world around him, focusing on the way his heart beats. Heart beats always helped him calm down, following the steady rhythm of life flowing through the body, keeping one alive. 

Suddenly, to the right of him he hears the distant hoot of an owl. As he lifts his head he is met by a black owl, neatly landing on the slytherin table right in front of Regulus with a letter tucked between its beak. His friends look between the owl and him with curiosity evident in their eyes. Regulus hesitates before taking the letter from the owl’s beak, and the owl lifts itself up with its wings and flies away, content with delivering its message. Regulus almost slams his head on the table when he realizes what the letter is. Merlin, how many more of these was he going to get? 

“Reg, that’s your fifth one this week, are you sure there’s nothing going on?” Barty asks with concern. Regulus stares at the howler in his shaky hands, willing his eyes to set the letter aflame just by his immense glare. He shoves the letter in his pocket, already feeling it start to move, trying to break free. 

“I already told you it’s nothing.” he huffs. 

“I don't think getting your fifth howler counts as ‘nothing’. What did you do to make someone so angry?” Evan asks with a scoff. 

Regulus did not tell them about running away from the Black house. He didn’t tell anyone really because why should he. It would only open more and more intruding and unnecessary questions by his friends or stupid pity talks on how “they understand” and how “they will be there for him if he needs anything”. Regulus doesn’t need help. He can sort his own problems by himself just fine. He had learned that the hard way after his brother had left him. It was his secret to deal with alone. 

“Why are you so interested in my life all of a sudden? Got a soft spot for me Evan?” Regulus tries to distract him, knowing using the tactic would throw him off. 

“Oh please, come off it. I’m merely curious, that’s all.” 

“Right, of course.” Regulus gives a smirk. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Pandora approaching them from the Ravenclaw table, placing herself in the middle of Barty and Regulus, making the both of them scooch to their sides, awkwardly. 

“Hello there.” she smiles at them. Dorcas smiles back and starts sparking up a conversation. 

“Hey there Pams, what’s up?” 

“Oh nothing.” she hums looking up. The four of them collectively heave a sigh, knowing exactly what that means. Something is up and Pandora isn’t going to tell them until they show interest. Thankfully, Evan is the one who speaks up first. 

“Are you sure it’s nothing?” he asks in an amusing tone. She snaps his eyes back at them and gives a slight smile. 

“I heard a rumor that there was a halloween party going on and that all students from fifth year up to seventh year are invited to and I think that we should go.” she gives a nod as if agreeing with herself. Barty looks surprised and chuckles. 

“Since when are you so into parties?” he asks incredulously. 

“There’s a lot you don't know about me Barty.” she tilts her head and smiles. 

“Well I’m in! It would be so much fun.” Dorcas smiles giddily. 

“Nope I’m out, you guys can have fun.” Evan lifts his arms in the air and slaps them back on his thighs, making his final statement. 

“Oh no you don’t. I am definitely going, which means you are obliged to go.” Barty says. 

“Oh yeah and why’s that?” Evan smirks, clearly enjoying their banter. 

“Because we come in a package deal.” Barty smiles at him. Evan gives a small laugh that makes Barty grin widely, as if happy with his accomplishment of making Evan laugh with his jokes. They stare deeply into each other's eyes for a few seconds when Dorcas is the one that snaps them out of their trance. 

“Hello, earth to the lovebirds, are you still with us?” Barty whips his head to Dorcas and gives her a look. 

“We are not lovebirds.” he says a bit too quickly. Evan’s smile vanishes at this comment and there’s an awkward pause where Dorcas shrugs and looks away. Pandora breaks the silence and continues. 

“Well that’s it then, all of us are going.” she claps her hands together, excited with her success. 

“Woah, I never agreed to this, Evan may be naive enough to be persuaded,” this earns a sharp stare from Evan, dutifully ignored by Regulus, “but I would like to be alone rather than socialise with a bunch of strangers thank you very much.”

“You’re too uptight Reg, of course you’re coming with us, no question about it.” Barty waves it off. 

“You seem very determined with that. Good luck getting me there.” Regulus says. 

“It’s ok Barty, if Regulus doesn’t want to go he doesn’t have to.” she hums. Barty rolls his eyes, giving up. 

“Thank you Pandora.” Regulus nods at her. Pandora just stares at him. 

While the others go back deep in conversation about their upcoming party, Regulus can feel the howler trying to break free out of its imprisonment, wiggling inside of his hollow pocket. He decides that opening the letter sooner than later would be the best option, no matter how much of a quarrel he’s having with his own thoughts right now, so he stands up and starts to head towards the bathrooms down in the dungeons where he’s sure no one would interrupt him. 

Suddenly Pandora stands up next to him and wraps her arm around his. Regulus shudders at the touch and unwraps himself from her, making his distance. 

“Pandora, you know I tolerate you enough as a friend but I still don't like being touched.” Regulus declares, stretching his fingers back and forth to try to calm the nerves down. 

“I think you mispronounced ‘love’ Reg.” she smiles at him, now also keeping her distance to not make him uncomfortable. 

“Since when did all of you come to that conclusion?” he asks with a side-eye. 

“Doesn’t matter, what matters is that you are not telling me something.” she skips alongside him. 

“And what might that be, dare I ask?” Regulus decides to play along. The faster this conversation ends the faster he can leave to finally open the letter. 

“You tell me…” Pandora holds her hands in a lock behind her back and swings side to side.

“Pandora I don’t have the time for this, either you tell me what it is you want me to tell you or I leave.” he says. Pandora frowns. She steps in front of him and stops him in the middle of the hallway.

“Something is up with you. I can feel it every time I look at you. You’re hiding something.” Before she can continue, Regulus raises his hand in front of her face. 

“I’m going to stop you right there. I don't appreciate being… ‘read’, and I don’t like it when people pry their ways into my life, especially when they don't ask. Stop using your ‘seer’ abilities on me. Now if you’ll excuse me.” he says and circles around Pandora. 

“I know who that letter is from.” she calls out behind his back. Regulus stops in his tracks and turns to face Pandora who is standing the same way as he left her. She turns on her heels towards Regulus and just stares. 

“What?” is all Regulus can ask. 

“I know that that’s a howler sent by your mother in your right pocket.” she pauses, searching Regulus’ face for any sign of emotion. When she doesn’t get one she continues. “I don’t know why but I do know that it was written specifically by her.” Regulus clenches his fists, but Pandora continues. “I also know that you were the one who used the spell on Severus back on the Hogwarts Express to save James Potter.” Regulus is shaking now. Pandora’s face softens and her voice becomes more gentle. 

“Reg, I only mean to help, not to taunt. You can’t keep everything to yourself, it will eat you alive. Talk to me.” she begs. Regulus tries to stop his hands from shaking, digging his fingers into his closed palm. 

“Will that be all?” he asks. Pandora gives a sad look but nods. Then Regulus turns back and heads down to the dungeons. 

***

The men’s bathroom was empty as Regulus had predicted. It was easy to slide in through the door unnoticed. He closes the door and approaches the nearest sink. He looks up at his reflection and sees pure hatred filter through his eyes. Not towards Pandora, not really. The anger he felt inside him was directed at himself. For being so distracted, for making stupid mistakes, for not being more careful. He knew he shouldn't have interfered on that train the first day. Till this day he doesn't know what came over him. His mother would’ve scolded him for his reckless decisions, calling him weak and unprepared. Regulus knew he was weak, he knew he was a disappointment, but he did not expect to make more of a fool of himself even after he left that dreadful place. He can never seem to escape his own mental prison, wherever he decides to run. 

He digs his nails into the ceramic sink and almost bends the whole thing. He lets the faucet pour out water, cooling himself with the cold liquid on his face. 

The red howler letter is now hot in his pocket, the heat searing through the fabric of his robes. He sighs and picks the letter from his pocket, almost dropping it in the process, as it picks itself up on its own and floats in the air. The envelope bursts open and the letter inside it starts to come to life in front of him in the voice of his mother. 

“Regulus Arcturus Black!You ungrateful little bastard! How dare you abandon your home without a single word? How could you have the audacity to ignore all of my letters? You will return and apologize to your father and me personally once winter break arrives or mark my words, I’ll make your miserable life a living nightmare. You were supposed to be the sensible one, but you’ve fallen just as low as your treacherous brother.  I expect a visit by the end of your first semester or else…” 

Once the message has been read out loud, the envelope bursts into flames, leaving only the ashes of the once red envelope, lying on the feet of Regulus. Regulus bites his lip so hard, he makes it bleed, the drip of the blood landing gracefully on top of the ashes. His nails dig into his arms, trailing long lines up his wrists. He digs them so deep he can see blood trailing down his arms as well. 

Fuck.

He stops immediately once he realizes what he is doing. It was an old habit of his whenever his mom yelled at him for hours on end or whenever she used methods of torture to teach him a lesson. The pain on his arms could tune out the pain that was inflicted on him by his mother. 

He quickly leans his right arm down into the sink and pours water on the stinging bloody trails. He washes off the remnants and hides his arms under his long cloak. He would have to make himself a Wiggenweld potion to get rid of the scars, not that there wouldn't be traces of it. It was too late for him to erase the damage that he has done over the years. 

The blood dripping on the ground was not helping him with the sudden dizziness that occurred out of nowhere.

He really needs to get out of this bathroom.

He pushes the doors open with the force of his body and stumbles his way into the halls, trying his best to find the potions classroom. His vision was getting more and more faltered with each step, dragging him down towards the ground. He staggers his way into the potions classroom once he finds it and leans onto the door, not realizing how heavy his body weight would be and proceeds to fall on the ground with a great thump.

He hisses through his teeth at the pain all over his body, trying so desperately to keep his eyes peeled open. He drags himself towards the cauldrons and tries to pick himself up by hanging on the corner of the table. The wood splinters dig into his palms and Regulus falls back down, his head banging on the cold stone floor. The sudden attack of vertigo that courses through him feels like he is looking down from a great height, the sheer mass spinning his thoughts around. Regulus can’t hold his head straight anymore… he is so tired.  He lays down his head on the cold stone floor and closes his eyes, just for a few minutes, he tells himself. The last thought that comes to his mind is the image of his brother opening his bedroom door to shield him from the pain and worry, just like he promised he would. 

When it came to dealing with Sirius’ temper Remus usually was the only one who managed to calm him down. But this was way worse than Remus was expecting. When Sirius thinks he’s right, even when he’s not, he will cling onto that stubborn claim and not let go until someone finally puts him in his place. And Remus has been doing nothing but trying to sort out Sirius’ tampers for the last five hours. Ever since James and Sirius had their little show off in the morning they have not said a single word to each other. James didn’t even enter the common room or their shared room together. And honestly he was getting tired of listening to the same things over and over again with Sirius’ constant comments. 

“With good reason? With good reason? I’ll give him a good reason alright.” or “Who does he think he is, telling me what to do with my life?”. Everytime Remus tries telling him that he’s sure James didn’t mean it like that, he gets ignored and pushed aside. So, with Remus being absolutely done with this conversation before he explodes, he goes to take a walk and maybe smoke a cigarette or two. He honestly just needs to get out of this room. 

He makes his way down the halls and corridors, greeting some of the students and making his way past youngsters who look up at him and point at his scars on his face. Remus smiles at them and moves on, trying not to think too hard about his scars because that only leads to deep, spiraling, unwanted thoughts. He decides that going down to the dungeons would be a nice spot for a quick cigarette break. He walks down the stairs and walks in the dark small pathways in the dungeons of Hogwarts right ahead of the bathrooms. He goes to take out a pack out of his pocket but stops midway, staring at the floor quizzically. 

What he sees is a trail of blood splattered on the stone tiles. 

“Huh” is all Remus can manage, only the slightest exhale of a sound. He kneels down and slides his finger across the blood. It smears on the tip of his finger, sticking on. 

Still fresh. 

He takes his steps and decides to follow the trail all the way down until he arrives next to the… potions classroom? 

He looks up and sees that the door is slightly creaked open. Remus takes a deep breath in, wand ready in one hand, and places his palm on the door, pushing it open. And… oh merlin there’s so much blood. Remus looks around and sees an unconscious Regulus, laying down on the floor. 

“Shit!” Remus exclaims and drops on his knees right next to Regulus.

“Regulus?” Remus tries whispering at first. When he doesn’t get an answer he raises his voice a bit. 

“Regulus!” but there are no words or sounds coming from his mouth, only the very shallow breaths that escape his lips every so now and then. Remus picks Regulus up by his head and places the other boy on himself. He examines Regulus' body and notices that his school robes around his arms are soaked and wet. He grabs the other boys sleeves and pulls them up and gasps at the view. Regulus’ arms are covered in blood, red lines going all the way up. The crimson liquid oozes down at a rapid speed. Remus grimaces and feels nothing but sadness for the boy, knowing all too well that this was no accident. He checks under Regulus’ nails and just like Remus guessed, his under nails are coated with dead skin. 

“Oh you bloody moron.” Remus whispers. He takes out his wand and casts out the spell “Ferula”. Bandages spin up Regulus’ arm, strapping it tightly to a splint. Now that the bleeding has subsided Remus checks Regulus’ pulse by pushing his fingers on his neck. 

He feels very low and unsteady thumps of heartbeats. He looks around the room and sees a bucket full of ice up in the corner of the shelves with its own cooling spell. He reaches up his wand towards it and focuses. 

“Accio” he casts out and the bucket flies off and drops on the ground with a crash, spilling everywhere. Remus reaches out and takes a handful in his palms. He then places the ice onto Regulus’ wrists and his temples to get his nerves working. Regulus’ eyebrows crease and wrinkles start to form on his forehead. He shakes from side to side, groaning, and mumbles a few words.

“Regulus stay with me, I need you to open your eyes ok?” Remus tries to talk to Regulus. Regulus whines and murmurs a few incoherent words. Remus checks Regulus’ forehead and feels the hot temperature radiating off of him. This could not have occurred only because of the wounds. 

Suddenly he hears a few footsteps outside in the hall through the cracked door shuffling their way through, a few words can be heard between what looks to be two people. 

“Hey! I need help, anyone?” Remus shouts out. The steps come closer and a young third year student enters cautiously with a girl right behind him around his age. They stare at Remus and Regulus for a few seconds. 

“Don’t just stare, call Madam Pompfrey!” Remus demands, still holding Regulus in his arms. The students seem to snap out of their daze and start heading back out, their running steps slowly receding. Regulus whines again, his eyelids starting to shake in a frenzy. Remus holds Regulus closer into his arms, cradling him. 

“It’s going to be ok, just hold on a bit longer. Help is on its way.” he reassures himself more than Regulus at this point, seeming to be shaking himself. 

“Merlin please be ok.” 

Sirius feels like a lost puppy walking around the Hogwarts grounds, somewhere deep in his thoughts. He feels so bloody angry at James but misses him so much at the same time. It feels so infuriating he wants nothing but to run away, deep into the woods, free in his animagus form. 

Sirius walks on for a while, not paying attention to where he was going at all when he suddenly bumps into someone and goes to apologize, quickly noticing that the person he bumped into in the first place is his best friend, James Potter. They both pause mid apology and stare at each other, their eyes wide. Sirius then gives him a stern look and James’s eyebrows twitch and crease. James bites his lip and rubs his neck with his hand while Sirius wraps his arms around his chest. They stand in the middle of the hallway while the other people walk around them, giving them dirty looks. Sirius could not care less, for all he cared they were the only people in the hallway right now. After a few minutes of silence James is the first one to speak. 

“Hey Pads.” he says, giving Sirius a weak smile. Sirius goes to smile back out of mere reflex, but he can’t give in yet. He raises his eyebrows and gives a nod. 

“Are you giving me the silent treatment?” James chuckles. Sirius shrugs. 

“I’ll take that as a yes.” James decides. He rocks back and forth on his heels before speaking again. “Hey, do you want to go somewhere more private to talk?” he asks. Sirius makes a face as if seeming to think about it then shrugs again. 

“Come on you grump.” James chuckles and grabs Sirius by the arm, dragging him along. Sirius stumbles and starts to follow James. Once they enter a small classroom that Sirius is sure he has never been in, James leaves his arm free and Sirius crosses his arms back, waiting. James cracks a few knuckles and starts to bite his nails, an addictive stimulation that James often could not hide. Sirius rolls his eyes and pushes James' hands down from his mouth.

“What did we say about nail biting?” Sirius reminds him. James smiles at this and repeats after Sirius. 

“Nails are tools not toys.” they say in unison. James grins and Sirius smiles a bit. Then he remembers why they were here in the first place and puts back his poker face on. James lowers his smile. 

“Are you still angry at me?” James asks. 

“What do you think?” Sirius answers with another question. 

“Well I would usually say that we would be ok by now but this is the longest we have gone without talking ever since our… disagreement” Sirius scoffs at this. “Look, Padfoot, I’m sorry. I know I overstepped a line I shouldn’t have and I wish I could turn back in time to change what I did but I can’t.” Sirius stares at James for a few seconds. 

“Did you mean it?” he finally asks. 

“What?” James asks as well, confused. 

“Did you mean what you said?” Sirius clarifies. James stutters and furrows his eyebrows, clearly stating his answer without meaning to. Sirius sighs and sits on the ground against the walls. James joins him after a few minutes and slides down onto the floor next to him. They sit in silence for a few moments. 

“I know, believe me I know. I know that I’m a shitty brother. I know that I am to blame because I left him there. Merlin I tried, I really did. I tried so hard for him to come with me but he was so stubborn,” he pauses and gives a small chuckle “he still is.” he croaks out. James scooches closer to Sirius. 

“I never said you were a shitty brother Pads. Hell you’re the best brother I’ve ever had. And I’m sure you still have time to show how much of a good brother you are to Regulus. You just need to communicate, that’s all.” he says, wrapping his arm around Sirius’ shoulders. Sirius rests his head onto James shoulder and James relaxes onto Sirius. 

“I’m sorry for freaking out at breakfast.” Sirius says. James huffs out a laugh. 

“I really thought I was a goner for a few seconds there.” James teases. Sirius shoves James’ side. 

“Hey! I am not that deranged.” Sirius gives an offended look. 

“I’ve got about a dozen people who would disagree with you” James grins. Sirius gapes at James and starts laughing. He laughs and laughs until James joins in as well, filling the classroom with laughter. Then Sirius feels a very tight knot in his chest. Everything comes flooding at him at once. He remembers the day he had to leave his brother to suffer at that house that he couldn’t even call his home anymore. He remembered how his own brother couldn’t even look him in the eyes or let alone talk to him after he told him he would be leaving to live with James. He remembered everything they went through in that horrible place and how they stuck through it together, surviving through it together. Their “secret bond” they had called it. Whenever one of them needed the other they could feel it from miles away. 

He remembers how he woke up with night terrors of Regulus, screaming into his pillow until James came rushing into his room and hugged him tight before they fell asleep together. 

The tears are now stinging Sirius’ eyes and he cannot keep them in anymore so he lets them flow, letting the bodily fluids drop and slide down his chin. 

“Padfoot?” James asks. Sirius looks up at him and breaks into a sob. 

“Hey, hey, it’s ok. It’s ok, I’ve got you. You’re ok.” James reassures Sirius, hugging him tight, nuzzling his hair under his chin and patting his back. “Just breathe.” James repeats these words while Sirius sobs into James’ robes. His muffled cries soak James’ clothes but James doesn’t let go. 

Suddenly, Sirius feels a pang of pain in his chest as if his other half has been ripped apart from him. He gasps for air and clutches his chest. 

“Padfoot?” James asks with concern. Sirius hasn’t felt this feeling in so very long he had thought it was gone for good. But there was no mistaking that exact feeling of loss. 

“Sirius what’s wrong?” James says, his voice now filled with worry. Sirius looks up at him, and gapes, the tears still lingering in his eyes. 

“Regulus” he whispers out. He then gets up and starts to frantically run around the room, trying his best to find the exit. 

“Sirius what’s going on?” James is asking again, also on his feet and circling around Sirius. 

“I have to get to him. I have to find him. Something is not right. James, something's not right.” Sirius begs as he grabs James by the arms and clings onto him.

“Sirius what’s wrong?” James enunciates. 

“It’s Regulus, something is wrong with Regulus.” Sirius starts to panic, shaking like crazy. James follows Sirius with his eyes. 

“What do you mean?” James asks, his tone and pitch getting higher. 

“James, I need you to trust me. Do you trust me?” Sirius asks, piercing him with his stare. James stares back, rigidly. 

“Always.” he nods. Sirius nods too and starts to head out the doors. James follows right behind him. They make their way to their common room, running by students and professors who give them sharp looks and comments. Once they arrive in front of the portrait, Sirius practically growls the password earning a “Well I would never!” from the lady sitting inside of the portrait. The whole common room is engulfed in low whispers and hushes once they enter. The students are all huddled up around someone who seems to quiet down as Sirius and James slowly approach them. 

“Sirius!” Lily is the one to approach them. 

“What is this?” Sirius asks at the unusual scene in front of him. Lily looks at James then back at Sirius with pain in her eyes. 

“Sirius, you might need to sit down.” Lily tries but Sirius already knows. He was right, fuck he was right. 

“Where is he?” he demands in a low voice. Lily’s eyes widen and she looks around. Mary and Marlene notice the three, quickly approaching them. 

“Sirius, are you ok?” Mary asks. 

“Where is he?” Sirius yells out, not really thinking of his actions or their consequences. 

“Lily what the hell is going on?” James asks, also clearly shaken up. Lily turns her gaze onto James now. 

“It’s Regulus. He’s in the hospital wing.” she answers. James’ eyes start to twitch from side to side, wide with horror. Sirius punches the wall next to him with a grunt, making his schoolmates all turn to him. He then bolts out of the common room and starts running after his brother.