A Funny History
"Treat Harry like you would your brothers!" Hermione snapped.
"You mean we should -"
"Cut off his bangs -"
"While he sleeps?" The twins chirped.
Percy, who was sitting by the fireplace with his boyfriend Oliver, suddenly whipped his head up with a gasp.
"THAT WAS YOU!?!" He demanded.
"Oh, come off it Perce," Ron groaned, "you hated those bangs with pure unfettered disdain."
"I know that!" Percy hissed. "I just wanted to thank you two for getting rid of those horrifying attachments."
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"Mr. Weasley, if you can beat me at my own death chess match in your first year, then I have utter confidence in your skills that you will be able to transform this cushion into a hamster." Mrs. McGonagall drawled as she stared at Ron down her nose.
There was a brief silence that followed her words, before Ron started cursing under his breath.
Harry, who was sitting next to Ron, picked up the words "bloody hell" and "just let myself be killed" and "have to learn".
As McGonagall turned her attention away and to the other side of the class Harry leaned over to whisper into Ron's ear, "Let yourself be killed?"
"Shut up!" Ron snarled.
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Ron shakingly rocked back and forth in his chair, blue eyes wide as he played his nightmare over and over in his head.
Others around the common room glanced concernedly in his direction, but since his brothers, Harry and Hermione were gone, no one wanted to mess up in comforting him and have the combined force of two thirds of the Golden Trio, the Prankster Twins and Percy the Prefect rain down hell on their heads.
"It's nice to know that in life the one thing that can never judge me are raccoons, who can only haunt my nightmares with their tiny hands and black masks for faces." Ron muttered to himself.
Or, he thought he was muttering to himself but apparently, he was loud enough for all of the occupants of the Gryffindor common room to overhear him.
"Mate... raccoons?" Dean whispered.
Ron's eyes bugged out of his head, and like a feral cat, curled into a ball and hissed. Even to go as far as clawing one of his hands up and swiping at the closest people near him.
Seamus slowly stood up from his chair, walking calmly towards the red head, hands up and out like he was approaching a wild animal.
"You're okay Ron... it was just a nightmare."
He slowly outstretched his arm and placed it on Ron's shoulder.
Bad idea.
"YOWL!"
Then came the screaming.
"GET THE WEASLEYS AND POTTER AND GRANGER! RON'S GOING TO KILL SEAMUS!" Dean shrieked.
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The muggle cops slammed Harry and Ron onto the squad car, pulling back their arms painfully and cuffing them with barely disguised looks of annoyance.
"What about my Miranda rights!? You're supposed to say, 'You have the right to remain silent!' NOBODY! NOBODY SAID I HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!" Harry yelled, trying to worm his way out of the metal cuffs.
"Harry." Ron sighed in irritation. "You HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity to shut the hell up."
Harry gasped, offended.
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"If you took a shot every time you made a horrible decision, how drunk would you be?" Lee questioned, his body reclined comfortably across the Gryffindor fireplace.
"I don't know, maybe a little tipsy?" Ginny answered.
"Absolutely drunk." The twins said concurrently.
"Wasted, verging on death." Ron replied.
"Dead." Harry stated.
"Cheers mate." Ron said lazily.
As Harry and Ron chatted more, they either didn't notice or ignored the looks the others were sending them.
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When Harry entered their house covered head to toe in mud, rips in his wardrobe, blood caked on the side of his head and a puppy being gently cradled in his arms there was only one thought going through Hermione and Ron's heads.
"What did you do?" Hermione growled.
"Alright, I'll tell you, but you can't get mad at me." Harry said.
"What. Did. You do?" Hermione hissed through clenched teeth.
"Well, first of all, I was just minding my own business -"
"BULLSHIT!" Ron yelled.
"I WAS!" Harry shouted, clutching the puppy protectively. "Well I mean... he was a total asshole and started it."
"Oh my god." Hermione groaned.
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Ron and Harry watched in concern as Hermione kept twitching, her quill very close to snapping in her hand.
"Hermione..." Harry began tentatively, "when was the last time you slept?"
"Depends, today is Wednesday is it not?" Hermione answered, not even bothering to look up at them with her response.
"Oh 'Mione," Ron whispered, "it's saturday."
"Hermione..." Harry warned.
"Every time I sneezed my eyes closed."
"HERMIONE!" The boys yelled.
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"You have ten seconds to name five deadly animals, GO!" Harry cried out.
"Aragog! Basilisk! A manticore! Horned serpent! Chimaera! Hermione! TIME!" Ron chattered off, face set in triumph.
"Seven seconds." Harry noted.
"Good job," Neville complimented, "that's two seconds faster then last time."
"I'm sorry, are we going to ignore that he just included me on that list?" Hermione asked.
"You belong on that list." Harry muttered.
Neville and Ron both fled the room when Hermione started to shout, hiding in the Room of Requirement for five hours before they deemed it safe enough to start crawling back to the Gryffindor common room.
"I mean, it only takes them four hours to stop arguing and around one to cool off, we should be fine." Ron had said, with a slight tremor in his voice that betrayed his expression of confidence.
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"Excuse me." George questioned, a hand over his heart like Ron had just hexed him instead of stating a well known fact.
"Since when did any of our pranks give you physical and/or emotional trauma?" Fred demanded.
Ron reached into one of his robe pockets before pulling out what looked like a thick stack of papers.
"I have a list, it's alphabetical. Dating back to when I was three, no paragraph spaces, front and back." Then he dumped the papers into the twins arms before walking away.
Fred and George counted the papers.
"25 PAGES!" They cried simultaneously.
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"I lost Luna." Ron mumbled pathetically.
"How did you lose Luna?" Harry harshly whispered.
"Oh give me a break! She's like two inches tall!" Ron hissed.
"She's not that short." Harry protested.
"Yeah," Ron snorted, "that's because you're also two inches tall."
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"All in all, the mission was 100% successful!" Ron cheered.
"Guys, we lost Dean!" Seamus yelled, looking disheveled and distressed.
"All in all, the mission was 100% successful!" Harry hollered.
"Harry!" Hermione said, loking extreamly dissapointed.
"What!?!" Harry yelled, immeadly on the defensive.
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Ron stomped into the common room, drenched in oddly glowing blue water that turned heads and raised eyebrows. But to the crowd's astonishment, instead of the youngest Weasley boy marching over to the other two thirds of the Golden Trio, he made his way over to Neville Longbottom.
Ron stopped in front of the boy, his presence demanding attention.
"You don't happen to be aware of any sort of odd underground canal system beneath the castle, are you? I think I saw a manatee."
Brief pause.
"Was his name Julian?" Neville asked, and what kind of question was that?
"We didn't exchange pleasantries."
"That's Julian."
Another pause.
"Wait, WHAT!" Harry roared.
Neville and Ron whipped around and simoustanly yelled, "NOTHING!"
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Ron had the unfortunate luck of being partnered with Draco Malfoy and Blase Zabini for his Care of Magical Creatures project.
And as if being partnered with two slimy slytherins wasn't enough, he was trapped on a boat with them, in the middle of a fucking lake.
Hearing Malfoy go on and on about pureblood ideology and about how, "my father will hear of this" did Ron snap.
He leaned towards Zabini, who looked ready to strangle Malfoy himself.
"I'll push him overboard, you say it was an accident." Ron whispered.
Zabini mulled over the prospect of Malfoy, soaked and spitting like a cat before he answered.
"I'm in."
Ron grinned wickedly, and on three he shoved the blond boy off the side of the boat and into the water.
While Malfoy was buissidly hissing out every curse he knew, Zabini and Ron shared a laugh.
"Let's never talk to each other again." Zabini offered.
"Agreed."
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Harry was pacing in front of the tied up death eaters, his wand held extremely tight in his hand.
He stopped when he came to the last one, taking a deep breath.
Harry's face dropped down as he scowled at the crazy pure blood. "Okay, so, one of you is wearing my boyfriend's cologne and I just want to ask if you could change it or it's going to get real weird around here."
The death eaters exchanged looks of confusion.
One brave soul spoke up, confusion laced in his voice. "Like... sexy weird?"
"No, he means he's going to start crying. He hasn't seen nor heard from Ron in weeks." Hermione replied.
Fred scoffed as he bent near the death eater, smelling him as well.
George joined him and in tandem, they stood up from frowns.
"It's... it's the exact same bottle. How the fuck...?"
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"What. Is. This?" Ron demanded.
Harry couldn't answer Ron's question because he was too busy ogling his boyfriend's bare chest, where just a little below held the most beautifully chiseled abs Harry has ever seen.
"It's called the Slave Princess Leia Costume from Star Wars." Hermione answered. She pressed a little red button on her lightsaber and they watched as the green glow of Luke Skywalker's weapon unveiled itself. "You know, with space."
"Yes I know that, you even made me watch the movies. It's just... Why me?"
"Your Harry's boyfriend, who is Han Solo. Therefore you got the Leia costume." Neville explained, twisting his Lando cape in his hands.
Ron huffed and crossed his arms, the gold dangling from his shoulders clinking together. "I know that. Just why did you get me the slutty one?"
"Don't ask me, Harry is the one who picked it out." Hermione replied.
Ron narrowed his eyes on Harry, who coughed uncomfortably and shifted his feet.
"Ummm.... I thought you would find it funny?" Harry said.
"Nice try!" Ron snapped, "you just wanted to see me with barely anything on!"
"That's! That's a horrid accusation!" Harry yelled.
"But it's true." Hermione added.
Harry shuffled again, red creeping up his neck and into his cheeks.
Ron uncrossed his arms and placed his hands on his hips, the purple cloth that currently covered his private bits swayed with the motion. Ron huffed before trudging forward, malicious intent with every step of his golden slippers.
He stopped in front of Harry, and leaned down to whisper into his ear. "You're a moron. We're going to a Halloween party with my entire family, and I'm walking in with a very alluring and exposing outfit."
Harry's eyes winded with fear as he gulped.
Ron smirked devilishly. "And when people ask, I'll tell them you got it for me. Have fun with my sibling's overprotectiveness. They'll be pissed."
Ron leaned back and grabbed some of the floo powder, turning his head over his shoulder with a serene smile. "Bye!"
And he was gone.
The three friends stood there for a while before Neville, in a surprising show of bluntness, said, "you're fucked."
Minutes later when word got around that Ron Weasley's revealing outfit was picked out by his boyfriend, one Harry Potter. The Boy-Who-Lived, Savior of the Wizarding World, Death's Master ran as fast as he could from the combined rage of six/sevenths of the Weasley siblings.
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Ron was currently cussing up a storm, blue eyes darkened to near black and an intimidating expression taking over his usual cheerful face.
"Fuck school. Fuck time. Fuck my classmates. Fuck Merlin. Fuck everybody. Fuck Hogwarts. Fuck Wizards..." Ron muttered.
Harry nervously walked towards him, getting shoved a little by one of the twins standing behind him.
Harry clears his throat, wringing his hands together.
"Umm...."
He cleared his throat again, scrambling to talk.
Hermione took pity on him and asked, "Ron, what happened?"
Ron whipped his head towards them, lips curling into a sneer.
"Malfoy is going to get himself skinned."
Now, hearing Ron spout threats about some of his enemies was normal. But hearing the unnatural venom coating his voice, the others were curious.
"Why?" Percy asked.
"Because he's a little pervert!" He snapped.
The twins took a step forward.
"What do you mean?"
Ron turned fully towards them, and they noticed the way his shirt looked like it had been ripped a little; especially near his waste.
"He was at that fucking Halloween party and saw me in my costume! He took pictures and showed them to the entire Slytherin populace! NOW EVERYONE AT HOGWARTS KNOWS!!!"
There was silence before Percy snarled a quick, "excuse me." Before exiting the room.
Hermione turned furious eyes onto Harry.
"This is all your fault!"
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Spells whipped past the Golden Trio, charms exploding near their heads.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the trio were disarmed and forced on their knees before Malfoy Sr.
Lucius Malfoy.
He looked at them with a smug smirk.
"Finally, the mighty lions are going to die. Any last words?"
"Gryffindors never die!" Harry said defiantly.
"We go to hell and regroup!" Ron added.
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"But you have to understand! Harry loves you!" Hermione exclaimed.
"Harry would throw himself in front of a moving bus for you." Ginny added.
Ron snorted. "Harry would throw himself in front of a moving car just for fun."
The twins, who were standing behind the girls, nodded in agreement.
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"Hey, Harry, can I ask you a question real quick?" Ron whispered, shuffling forward to rest his hands on Harry's shoulders.
"Yeah?" Harry muttered distracically.
"Can you umm, come with me?"
"Oh, where are we going?"
"I meant alone." Ron grumbled.
"Oh." Harry paused. He looked up from his Exploding Snap Game to raise an eyebrow at his boyfriend. The other boys in their dormitory, who were playing the game with Harry, tried to look like they weren't listening in. "Do you need something?"
"Harry. Alone!" Ron hissed. He grabbed Harry's shoulders and lifted him up and out of his seat, dragging him towards an abandoned doorway.
Ron slammed Harry into the wall and leaned forward.
"I'm going to need a human skull. I cannot have any questions about why I need one."
Harry raised an eyebrow.
"Only if you don't ask why." He flicked his hand and he was suddenly clutching a large bag. He opened it and seven human skulls could be seen inside.
There was a brief pause where Ron stared at the bag and Harry stared at Ron.
"I need that one." Ron pointed at the one where it looked like it had a chip in its skull.
"Alrighty." Harry hummed.
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Hermione rubbed her temples as she listened to her friends argue. Just one time. One. Would she like to have a dinner where it didn't end in disaster. Was that too much to ask?
"I wasn't the one who fucked off to Canada at the first chance I got!"
Apparently not.
Hermione glanced over at Ron and Percy going at it. The other Weasleys, plus her friends, were watching them with raised eyebrows. Molly looked ready to intervene, but Bill and Arthur held her back. Bill most likely just doing it to see where this fight was going.
"I didn't fuck off to Canada!" Percy yelled.
"Then what was all that time you lived in Quebec!?"
"Living in Quebec!"
"Days after you turned of age!"
"Canada is a glorious country!"
"It came out with the jock strap!"
"At least I didn't immediately go to motherfucking Russia when I came of age!"
"At least I didn't direct a porn film!"
The Weasleys gasped, not knowing that Percy had even been near porn and sex. All of Ron's friends just laughed. When the youngest Weasley boy came to them about that information... let's just say it was a fine forty minutes of their life.
"It was not porn!" Percy defended. "And you have no room to talk! You were a male stripper in New York for a month! DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD HARRY FREAKED WHEN HE SAW YOU!?"
"Before or after I gave him that lap dance?" Ron said with a devilish purr.
"WHAT!??" Fred screamed, immediately rounding on Harry, who was gaping open mouthed.
"PERCY! RON!" Molly and Arthur yelled.
The Weasley siblings started chasing Harry outside their house, yelling out threats while the Weasley parents started scolding their other two sons.
Hermione got up from her seat muttering, "fuck it."
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When Draco had first met Ron Weasley he felt like turning around and just... walking away. He didn't though, because the boy - Harry Potter - seemed attached so he stayed and tried to ignore Weasley.
It didn't work.
Weasley looked like someone just told him his entire family had died, with a slight twinge of madness that came with revenge. His head kept swinging back and forth, a scowl that could match his father any day placed firmly on his lips.
For him to act like he wanted to be anywhere near this train confused Draco, so he just let it go.
It wasn't until the Sorting Ceremony where things went downhill.
Oh who was he kidding, Weasley fucking snapped.
He just ran past McGonagal, threw open the doors, which Draco was sure weighed tons, and sprinted up to Dombedore and clutched the front of his robes in a white knuckle grip. So hard, in fact, he had pulled the Headmaster down to eye level.
And screamed.
"YOU GOT TO HELP ME! I'M STUCK IN A FUCKING TIME LOOP AND THIS IS THE 50th TIME AND I'M GOING THOROUGHLY CRAZY AND EVERYONE KEEPS DYING AND I KEEP COMING HERE IN MY 11 YEAR OLD BODY! VOLDEMORT IS COMING AND I KEEP DOING THIS! WHEN WILL THIS TORTURE END?!? I NEED TO AGE! I NEED TO LIVE! I NEED HELP! I NEED - !" Weasley cut himself off with a gasp.
Then started SOBBING.
In the middle of the entire school.
To say that Draco was freaked out and terrified was an understatement.