Regulus hates Lily.
He hates how she can make everyone in the room pay attention to her. He hates how she can easily master spells she wasn't born learning. He hates how she can brew potions that are almost as good as his. He hates how she helps him learn charms—his worst subject—like he was an expert at it. He hates how nice she is, despite him being in the Slytherin house. He hates how she comforts him about Sirius when she finds him crying inside the broom closet near the library. He hates how she can make him laugh when they talk about being the younger siblings and how much they love their older siblings.
He hates how despite trying to hate her, she ends up becoming one of his closest friends.
He hates how she can get the light of the sun without asking for it.
How she can have James.
James.
He hates him too.
And then, he sees them together.
He hates himself, in the end, for allowing himself to fall. For letting James stay every night at the astronomy tower. For laughing at his jokes when they're at the lake. For falling for a man. For loving James Potter.
James who is a blood traitor. James who is a Gryffindor. James his brother's best friend. James who is in love with someone else.
James. James. James.
He felt a tickle in his throat. He ignored it.
That was his first mistake.
His tragedy began there, by falling for a boy that's in-love with someone else.
So when the first petal was coughed from his throat after seeing James at the astronomy tower for the third time this week, he was not surprised.
He looked down at the petal, a little blood coating it.
It was yellow.
He understood.
It was Lily.
A lily.
It was a petal from a yellow lily.
He cried.
He hates lily.
***
Yellow lilies are symbolic of numerous things, as the colour has several positive connotations attached. These include new beginnings, a sense of freshness, happiness, loyalty and sunshine.
***
Regulus feels sick after crying.
Happiness, Loyalty, Sunshine.
The flower is so James.
It's a Lily.
The fates are mocking him, making him spit out the flower that represents someone James Potter is in love with. A lily. He wants to be angry. He wanted to cry and scream and curse down the pair. But he could not. They were both perfect.
James is a good friend. Even if he could not give something that Regulus wants, he is still a good friend. He's always trying to get to know him, trying to help him, trying to fix his and Sirius' relationship. He's been trying, and that's more than anyone has given him.
He's trying.
Apparently trying so hard it made Regulus love him.
Regulus had gotten several nights with James. As he sat in his bed, looking at the petal of the flower he just coughed, he cried. Again. As he did, he felt something in him break. He is dying. Years of torment, neglect, and abuse finally caught up with him, becausehe is dying. So he cried, and he shattered, on his bed, alone.
The next morning, he got up, sent a glare to his friends, and kept going.
***
"But it was just for a little bit!" James shouted, he's getting really invested in their topic. "If he didn't look back at the last second, he would've gotten his Eurydice back!"
"James, did you really think that Hades would have given that challenge if he doesn't know that Orpheus would look back?" Regulus raised his eyebrows.
"But-"
"Hades gave that challenge because he knows the feeling of loving somebody so much, he can't stand looking away from her for even a second. He gave that challenge because it's a challenge he knew he would fail." Well at least that's how Regulus always interpreted it.
"So all that, for false hope?" James' eyes are sad now, he's tilting his head as if he can't stand the thought of a god giving false hope to a mere mortal.
"Well, I don't think it was, Orpheus can still surprise him, he can prove the god wrong by not looking back, Hades would have probably granted the end of his deal, the thing is, he did look back." He looked at James, who is already looking at him, there's something in his expression that Regulus can't read.
"James?" James didn't acknowledge him, he just stared at Regulus and nodded.
"Yeah, I understand now."
Regulus does not.
He can feel petals rising in his throat, he coughs. He immediately said goodbye to James, and ran towards the dungeons.
***
Hanahaki is a disease where the victim coughs up flowers when suffering from unrequited love. The flower varies from petals to whole flowers depending on the victims feelings towards the person of their affection. The flower coughing is caused by the plant growing from the victim's heart towards his lungs until the victim can't breathe anymore and dies from suffocation.
***
Orange is the color the next petals Regulus coughs out.
Orange lilies.
He also noticed his breathing becoming a little shallow, almost like his chest is underwater.
He expected that to happen already. He read books about his problem. He searched for an alternative cure. He doesn't find something that he is willing to do. So dying it is.
What he didn't expect was Evan, finding him surrounded by blood and flowers, in their dorm bathroom.
Evan looked at the flowers, and then he looked at Regulus. He hugged Regulus. He understood.
***
Orange has always been a color that’s associated with a refreshing sense of confidence and energy. The bright, bold, showstopping colour speaks to feelings of warmth and positivity around the world.
***
Evan does not understand.
He knows Regulus is in love, but the problem is who he thinks Regulus is in love with.
"It's Evans, isn't it?" He said, after helping Regulus clean up.
"What?"
"Come on Reg, you've been hanging out with her, and the flowers..." He looks away from Regulus, not wanting to remember what he saw earlier, "those are clearly lilies."
Evan is wrong. He is so wrong.
Regulus doesn't correct him.
"Don't tell Barty."
***
Researchers still don't exactly know where it originated from, but many believe that it came from a curse Persephone—the goddess of spring and underworld—gave. And as the myth suggested, the only alternative cure to hanahaki is forgetting someone you love, so there are two ways to do that, surgery or drinking Mnemosyne's potion. The spell obliviate doesn't work, researchers are still trying to find out why.
***
Evan told Barty.
And Dorcas.
And Pandora.
Regulus hates him.
"I'll make the potion," was the first sentence Barty utters, after the silence Evan's words brought.
"I won't drink it." Regulus said with finality.
"I'll make you drink it, no matter what."
"You won't."
"Regulus." Dorcas finally spoke.
"What?" He faced her, and for the first time, he saw fear in Dorcas' eyes.
She was supposed to be the brave one in their group.
" You can't just—" she was moving her hand, trying to find the right word.
"Actually, I can, and I will." He said, looking at his friends one by one.
"You can't just give your life away because of a mud—" Barty's words were cut off when Regulus looked at him sharply.
"Because of a what, Barty?" he asked.
"Nothing," he said, looking away. "But Regulus, you're killing yourself!" He shouted, eyes looking like he was about to lose his mind.
Pandora was quiet, she hasn't spoken a word since Evan told them, she was just looking at Regulus.
"Are you sure?" she asked, genuine.
"I- yes." He nodded, trying to make himself believe. "Yes I am," he answered, looking straight into her eyes.
"Dora, you can't posib-"
"What?"
"No- the hell? Pandora?"
But Pandora just shushed them all, and just continued staring at Regulus, finally she nodded, avoiding Regulus' eye contact, "Okay."
Regulus, for the first time since the curse started, smiled genuinely.
He ignored the way Dorcas' eyes looked, as she walked out the room angry. Or the way Barty wiped something close to his left eye before following her. Or the way Evan shook his head at the two of them and followed the others.
Or the way Pandora's smile wavers slightly.
Pandora's eyes tells him she knows something. He ignores that too.
***
There once was a man so devoted to Aphrodite—the goddess of love and beauty—that he hated other goddesses that challenged his goddess. So when he heard chatters about a flower that the goddess of spring and underworld—Persephone—treasured, he made it his mission to destroy the flower. And destroy he did.
***
Two drops of phoenix tears. A strand of thestheral hair. Three vials of water blessed by the moon. A coughed out petal with blood.
Lacuna Memoria.
Regulus knows how to make the cure by heart. He memorized the ingredients and incantation. He knows how he can survive this.
He won't.
The thing is, the only way for his problem to go away is drink the potion of Mnemosyne and forget.
How can you love someone you don't share memories with? How can your heart beat for a stranger? In this case, to forget is to keep living.
To forget is to stop loving.
Stop loving James.
Regulus' happy memories can be counted by hand, and to forget half of them is worse than walking to his death.
Loving James made him want to live. Loving James is killing him.
He made his decision the moment he learned the cure.
He won't forget. Ever.
***
The once glowing flower was now in the ground, trashed into pieces. That's how the goddess found her favorite flower, and the anger that followed wasn'tsurprising. She cursed the man to grow flowers from their hearts, into their lungs, cough out flowers, and die after it. And all of that will be caused by something the man worshiped so greatly, love.
***
Regulus doesn't regret anything about his choices.
That is until he remembers he had a brother.
Have a brother.
After trying so hard in rebuilding his and Sirius' relationship.
He gave Sirius so much shit about leaving for it to turn out that he's the one who'll eventually leave.
He's always been a fucking hypocrite.
"Reggie? Hey?" said his brother, while waving his hands in front of Regulus' face. "You there?"
They're currently beside the black lake, holding books and flowers each. They developed this hobby last summer, after Regulus ran away from his house. The two needed something to bond over, and Regulus was just recently taught about flower preservation by Monty. Funny how the flowers helped him and Sirius fix their relationship, just for it to be the reason it'll break again.
"Yeah." For now.
"Are you okay, bud? You seem distracted." Regulus almost told him everything he's been keeping this past month. He needs Sirius.
Sirius always has that effect on him.
Making him feel like he's a little boy again. Vulnerable. Bud. He just wants to collapse to his brother, and break down.
He bit his tongue to refrain from telling his big brother how much it scares him knowing that he's heading straight to the doors of death, and he doesn't plan on stopping himself.
"I'm fine." I'm dying. I'm in love with your best friend. I'm dying. I love you. I'm dying.
Sirius doesn't look like he believes him. Whether it's because the phrase he just said is literally the universal lie that everyone knows is a lie, or it's the way his voice cracks and he's suddenly breathing heavily.
Sirius enveloped him to a hug, he was saying stuff about okay and inhale but Regulus doesn't hear it. His mind is just focusing on the fact that he's dying.
He's dying. Dying. dying.
His mind was buzzing. The words just roll around it like his mind like bees, still buzzing, trying to make him realize the fucking truth. Heisdying.
Sirius wiped away his tears.
Tears?
When did he start shedding tears?
"Breathe Reggie," his brother said, still wiping his tears, Regulus can hear the utter panic in his voice.
He's gonna lose him. Dying.
He'll—
D
y
i
n
g
Blood. Flowers. Dying—
"Breathe yeah? Follow me, hmm?" He followed Sirius' breathing pattern, when he was finally calm enough to recognize his surroundings, he saw his dried flowers covered in red.
He blacked out.
***
Aphrodite, moved by the devotion, felt bad for the mortal—and though she couldn't lift the curse—seeing as the curse was within her domain, she altered it. She made it so that the man will only suffer those symptoms when he is trapped in a belief that his love is unrequited, or if his love is actually unrequited. It can only be cured by proving that the love is actually returned.
***
Convincing Sirius he was okay was difficult.
Good thing he's always been a good actor.
The look Poppy gave him after his brother left was expected. She knows.
"I was supposed to give you a full rundown of how you're doing, but I suppose you already knew?" Regulus looked away, and that was enough confirmation for her. "Does your brother know?" He looked at the window fo a couple more seconds before finally shaking his head.
"He doesn't." He won't.
"Are you aware of possible cures for it? I can schedule a surger-'' Regulus cut her off before she can continue. His friends already give him enough shit about healing.
"I won't do it." Poppy looked at him for a few more moments, gradually, her stare became more pitiful every passing second, he hated it.
"Okay then, I'll give you a temporary remedy for your throat and lungs until.." She didn't continue whatever she was gonna say, after a few moments of silence, she gave Regulus a vial full of pink liquid, it took him a few minutes before he finally drank it. She doesn't have his flower. It's pink. The cure is gray.
After a few more lectures, she finally left Regulus to himself.
He's not really sure if he wants Sirius to know. On one side, he doesn't want to die without his brother by his side, on the other, he doesn't want Sirius and James' relationship ruined because of him. If only his 13 year old self could hear his thoughts. He could make it so that Sirius believes that he loves Lily instead of James, like his friends did, but wouldn't that tarnish another friendship Sirius held dear? His head is aching.
"Reg! I heard what happened, you good?" He looked at his sudden visitor and found Lily Evans in her full glory, smiling sweetly at him. He hates her.
"I bought you food, I know your brother and his gang would forget the need of a sick patient to eat, though not Remus, but he always seems distracted when he's with your brother, so…food?" He doesn't.
The thing is, no matter how hard he tries, hating Lily Evans is a hard feat. Because being one of Lily's friends really made him realize how wonderful of a person she is. She's one of the few people who can battle his wit and sarcasm. She's headstrong and soft at the same time, with a brilliant mind, and a loving heart. Regulus understands why James chose her. Why he loves her. How can anyone not love Lily Evans?
He and Lily talked for a couple minutes about the book she recommended to him, until a voice interrupted their peace.
"Well, well, well, Isn't this a wonderful view?" James Potter, with a smile that could make the sun itself insecure, said. He is currently leaning against the door, looking at them with a glint in his eyes.
Regulus' breathing becomes heavier. FuckfuckfuckThisIsn'tHappening. He secretly took a deep breath, after making sure he's okay, he rolled his eyes.
"What do you want?" He asked, begging James to leave. Not here, not here, not here.
"Awwe Reggie, can't I visit my favorite Black brother?" He finally stopped leaning against the door and walked towards Regulus.
"I think you lost your way, Sirius is at the dormitories." He watched as James shared a look with Lily, they're having a silent conversation with their eyes that Regulus cannot understand. His throat feels itchy.
"I'm wounded Reggie, you don't think you're my favorite?" He said, after they finished their silent conversation. Before Regulus could answer, Lily stood up and bid her goodbye, saying something about meeting up with Marlene. A couple seconds of silence after she left, James finally spoke.
"Hey," he whispered, brushing away some strands of Regulus' hair from his face. He wants to pretend for a second, that he lives in a universe where James loves him, he wants to close his eyes and just feel James' hands brushing against his hair, and believe that his feelings is somewhat returned, but the itch in his throat is a constant reminder of the reality he very much wants to run from. He feels his chest close up.
"James," the hand brushing against his hair stops. "What are you doing here?"
"I was worried about you," he said, scratching a part near his throat. He looked away, avoiding Regulus' eyes.
And Regulus is hit with a reminder of why loving James is worth all this shit he was going through. He wants to throw up. He wants all the flowers on his chest gone. Loving James is so fucking beautiful and this curse is making something beautiful tragic. Flower petals with blood are not beautiful. James is beautiful. And loving him should be fucking easy, and light, and freeing. James reminded him how to breathe. And this stupid curse is taking all that away.
Loving someone isn't supposed to be bad.
James taught him that.
"I'm okay." I'm in love with you. And it's killing me.
"I'm okay."
***
Years later, the man fell in love. He coughed out the first petal, It has the same petal as the flowers he destroyed, the only difference was that the flowers he destroyed glowed, and the petal in his hand didn't.
***
Regulus loves his friends. Though he would not admit that even with a threat of death. But truly, he loves them. Maybe more than they love him. He adores the way Pandora twirls after she wears her flowery dresses. He looks forward to talking peacefully with Evan on the tree near the lake. He loves talking with Dorcas late at night in front of the fireplace in their dorm, when all of their housemates are asleep. And he treasures every single insult he and Barty made up when they talk shit about people they absolutely despise.
And he knows them.
He knows they won't give up trying to convince him to live. He knows they'll try unusual tricks to try and make him live. He hates it, but he knows they will. They're Slytherins for a reason.
The thing he didn't expect was who was going to attempt to do it.
So when Dorcas gave him his morning tea while they're having breakfast at the great hall, he thought nothing of it. His throat has been aching since his coughing flowers last night. He put the cup near his mouth attempting to take a sip, when he smelled something different, he paused. He looked at his friends, none of them were paying attention to him, having conversations with one another. He took a sip.
When the unfamiliar taste hits his taste buds, he stood up and walked out the great hall. After he reaches the bathroom, he spits whatever it is in his mouth at the sink. He looks at the mirror, his hair is a mess—a few strands laying on his face, his eyes looked like he hasn't been sleeping in weeks—which is not far from the truth, his skin is getting paler and paler everyday, he looked like a walking corpse of disaster.
Regulus can't blame her for doing that, he would do far worse things if the position is to be switched. She's just looking out for him. She's—
"Figured you'd figure it out in an instant, worth a try though," she said, standing behind Regulus, looking at him through the mirror.
"Why?" He asked, 'Cause Regulus just wants to know, why would Dorcas try and trick him into drinking the potion. Why her of all people—of all his friends, attempt to take his choice away. He made his choice, and all he wants is for his friends to accept it.
"Why? Are you even hearing yourself Reg?" She bites back, calmly. The thing is, Dorcas is the most calm in their group. She never raised her voice to be heard, she doesn't need to. She can make anyone shut up with her calm remarks and insults. She's direct. Unlike Barty who is unpredictable, Pandora who is quite… peculiar, Evan who is more cunning than people see, Or even Regulus who is forward. When she wants something, she will go for it. No underwater schemes, or unsolvable riddles. She'll just walk directly to what she wants.
He expected Barty.
He was even prepared for Evan.
But Dorcas was the one who gave him the drink. She was the one who was looking at him after he put the cup down. She was the one watching his back as he retreated towards the doors. She is the one standing behind him right now.
"Really, Cas. I just want to know," he finally said, after a couple of silence.
"Fucking hell Reg. You're more fucking crazy that I thought!" She was shouting now. She never shouted. Never at anyone. Never at them. Never at him.
He flinched.
He saw how her eyes softened after seeing him react, he knew she was going to apologize for making him flinch.
She was going to.
But Regulus cut her off.
"You know I wouldn't want it, Cas! You know I don't want to take a potion! Fucking hell." Regulus wipes his face with his hands. "I expected it from Barty! Hell even Evan! But you?! For Salazar's sake you know how I hate being—fuck!" He closed his eyes, trying to not let his tears escape. Sheknew.
"Do they know too huh? Do–do they have a hand in this fucking scheme too? Cause haha prank of the fucking century! Hey! maybe you can teach my brother and his idio—" he wants to stop, but the words keep on escaping his mouth, and frankly, he was too busy trying to keep his tears locked to care about his words.
Dorcas' next words made him freeze.
"You. Are. So. Fucking. Selfish." She spit the words like each syllable is covered in venom. "You wanna know why I did it? Huh, Reg? Because I fucking care about you! Surprise, surprise! Because unfortunately, you are my fucking best friend!" Her composure is now ruined by the tears running on her face. She's crying. She never cries. She's Dorcas, she was always the strongest amongst them.
"You– You're my best friend— and I love you– and–" She collapses on the bathroom floor sobbing. "And I just want you to live."
Regulus joined her on the floor, his tears having escaped his eyes already. He wrapped his arms around her, similar to how she did when he told her years ago about his fears of his brother not loving him anymore. And they both stayed there sobbing.
"That's not fair, Cas," he whispered, when they both calmed down enough from crying. "It's my choice on whether I want that or not. You know that."
She just stayed silent. Regulus thought their conversation was already done, until she suddenly spoke again.
"Do you really want to die, Reg?"
A beat.
"I don't want to forget," he answered.
'I don't want to die,' he thought.
But dying is better than forgetting him.
***
Months passed by and the man realized he was cursed, he realized that it was the Goddess Persephone who cursed him, he went to her temple and begged for forgiveness, the goddess appeared and explained the curse.
***
Barty was next.
He was at their dorm, reading, a couple of bloodied orange petals surrounding him, when Barty walked towards him, holding a vial with something gray inside. He placed the vial on top of Regulus' bedside table.
"Drink it," he demanded. "Regulus, drink it," he repeated, after a couple of seconds, when Regulus made no move from his position.
"No," he said, putting his book down, finally looking at the one who disturbed him.
"Reg, stop being fucking suicidal and drink the damn thing," he was calm, that unnerved Regulus. Barty was explosive, much like his brother. He shouts, curses, and burns. He's never… quiet.
"I'm not, you know I'm not," Barty looks at him and just shook his head. "Do I?" He took the vial from the table and gestured it towards him, prompting Regulus to take it.
"Well, It's not like I wanted this curse," he's annoyed now, he took the vial from Barty and opened it, but instead of drinking it he poured all of it into the plant beside his bed, Pandora gave it to him on his last birthday. Barty just watched. He didn't stop him from pouring it all down. He didn't protest. He just watched.
"Well, you sure treat it as a blessing, Reg," he walked towards his own bed and sat.
"Oh,. come on. Don't fucking start. You think I want this? You think I like vomiting petals everyday? I can't even fucking breathe right for fucks sake, Barty!" Regulus shouted, standing up. He walks towards Barty. He's mad. So fucking mad. At Barty. At James. At himself.
At the universe.
He wants to fight. And scream. He just needed these emotions to stop.
But Barty just fucking laughs. He laughed like this is all a joke. Like Regulus is not dying. Like all this is one big joke the universe is playing on them. Perhaps it is.
And Regulus can't help it, he laughed too. They laughed and laughed and laughed, like this is the last time they can. Perhaps it is. Until their giggles turn into sobs. Until
Evan found them passed out on Barty's bed with tear marks on their cheeks.
Regulus knows they have a lot to talk about. He knows this is not going to be the last time his friends are going to try and persuade him into changing his mind. He knows they're all hurting. But until then, they laughed.
And he knows they're going to be okay.
It's enough.
Let it be enough.
***
He cried and begged the goddess, but she didn't accept his apologies. 'You destroyed my flower,' she said. 'It's time for you to pay the price.'
***
Regulus never planned on loving James Potter.
It started with annoying greetings, and unwanted attention. He was silent and cold, withering without a drop of light. Then comes Helios with his chariot of concern, bringing his sacred light for Regulus to flourish in. And Regulus, having a taste of the Sun couldn't get enough, he wanted more. More than he ever deserved. So he let it continue. The loud greetings turned into quiet understandings. Annoyance turned into whispered secrets. Helios turned into James. Just James. Not the fake sun personified happy go lucky James. But the soft, beautiful, human James.
But the light he brought never dims.
'You make me feel like I can't breathe,' he told James.
'Is that a good thing?'
'You decide.'
Regulus never fell, he couldn't, he was always a grounded person. He was also too good at flying to ever fall.
He was laying on the ground beside James then, near the black lake, when it happened.
He didn't fall in love.
Love grew in him.
In the ground filled with silence, love blossomed.
It grew from his heart until it reached his lungs. Crawling up his throat were unspoken words he wished to say. It stayed there for months locked within Regulus, like he was taught growing up. It stayed until it was tired of being kept from the sun and turned into blooms. The flowers flowed through places he kept his love, and petals fell from his mouth like secrets he wished to speak.
Then comes death.
Love and death.
There was a speculation that Thanatos was very alike with Eros. Death is sometimes kinder, they said. Well, what then, if you are trapped within both?
In the ground where Regulus laid, grew a garden filled with secret sorrows, with flowers that screamed death, and petals covered in crimson.
But before all that, was love.
***
The man realized the meaning of the goddess' words. He was coughing out the parts of the flower he destroyed. He was bringing the flower back to life, while his life was fading. His life is being given to the flower. That was the price, his life.
***
It happened over summer break.
Regulus was in his room at the Potter Manor, just finished the potion he and Monty made, when James entered his room, energetic as ever.
"This is the day, Reggie! I'm gonna finally be brave and confess my undying love for the person I like!" He was obviously giddy, but Regulus can see the nervousness behind his facade. Tonight was a get-together with their friends, James invited everyone over to celebrate the last week of summer break, and of course, Lily is going to be there, the person of James' affection ever since their first year. He felt petals rising from his chest. Nonono. He took a deep breath, forcing air to trap them.
"Why are you telling me this?" he questions. "Sirius is better at supporting your love confessions, you know?"
James was looking at him weirdly, he must have noticed Regulus' difficulty in breathing.
"Are you okay, Reggie?" his voice is now worried. He took a few steps until he was in front of Regulus.
"I'm okay," he said automatically. It was a practiced phrase nowadays, considering his friends ask about his well being all the damn time. "Just a bit tired," he continued when he noticed James wearing a skeptical expression.
He looked like he didn't believe Regulus so he distracted James by asking about his plan. James ranted on and on about how he's excited, and about how amazing, and beautiful—you can't forget how beautiful they are Reggie—his person is. He also talked about being super nervous and afraid of ruining their friendship.
"I mean, It took time to build what we have now, I don't know if I can live with the knowledge that I ruined it ya'know?" He was still nervously rambling. "Like, what if they don't feel the same way? Well, I know they don't feel the same way… But It's worth a try, don't you think?" He was looking at Regulus now, so fucking earnest thay Regulus can't be mad at him for subjecting Regulus into listening how much James loves Lily.
"I… I honestly don't know, James," he was going to leave it at that, but he saw James' imaginary puppy ears sink so he forced the flowers down and added, "But whoever they are, they're very lucky to have you." They're very lucky to be loved by you.
James freezes for a few seconds before gulping and bidding goodbye, he said something about finishing something, he sounded weird.
After James left, It took so little time before coughs filled his room. Orange lilies came out of his mouth, red covering it as usual. His green silk bed sheets are now covered by it too. His chest hurts. He thrashed and hit his chest to distract himself from the searing pain he is feeling. He can feel thorns behind his ribcage. It hurts. Regulus thrashing around harder until he fell from his bed. His mind is buzzing again, every breath he takes make his chest wallow in pain.
Fuckfuckfuck
It fucking hurts.
He threw up more petals while hugging himself on the ground, his other senses are numb. The only thing he can feel is the pain inside his chest. He sobs as the pain slowly ease, his tears now mixing with the blood and petals in his bedroom floor. He hears someone calling his name before the darkness pulls him inside.
***
Regulus loves his brother.
It's a simple fact. A permanent truth. An unbreakable oath.
There's nothing in this world that would make him not love Sirius. He sometimes thinks that he was born, not to be Regulus, or to be his parents' son, but just to be Sirius' brother.
And he was glad that he's gonna die holding on to that title.
He opened his eyes, and the first thing he sees is his brother looking at him from his bedside.
Regulus felt a sense of Deja Vu. Was it the times when Sirius took care of him when he was sick? Or was it those days when Sirius slept beside him because he was having nightmares? Time after treating wounds and falling asleep on the same bed because both of them lacked the energy to move? Or was it the first time he ever opened his eyes after being born, and meeting his older brother for the first time?
Regulus doesn't know. He didn't know anything until his brother taught him the world. And looking at the way Sirius looked at him, Regulus knows that he knows.
Silly him for thinking he could ever hide anything from his brother.
"You knew," Sirius was holding petals–now that Regulus can see his hands–he clenched his fist, crumbling the orange petals he was holding. "And you didn't tell me."
Regulus thought for a moment whether he could lie, and tell his brother that he had no idea beforehand, but the second he met Sirius' eyes he knew it was done.
"Why?" His brother said in the weakest voice Regulus' ever heard from him.
"I didn't want to make a big deal out of it," Sirius' eyes turned blank after he heard his answer. Regulus noted how similar it was to his mother's blank stare, yet he is not afraid of Sirius' eyes like he is afraid of hers. Sirius's eyes radiate care, even though Regulus doesn't see it at the moment(he thinks part of him will always believe–hope–that his brother will always care.) Even when his brother resembles the nightmares Regulus grew up facing, Sirius will always be Sirius. He will always be Regulus' only safe haven.
"Not a big deal? Reggie, You. Are. Dying." He said the last word like an unsolvable puzzle, like he can't fathom a world where Regulus dies, like he can't quite believe that his little brother is a mortal, who in fact has the ability to pass away.
Maybe he can't.
How can there be a world where he outlives someone he lives for?
"Doesn't everyone?" A question Regulus has played inside his mind throughout this whole mess, because doesn't everyone die? Why do people make such a big deal about his death, when everyday hundreds of people die? Why do mortals mourn an event they know is coming?
Perhaps loss. Perhaps life.
Perhaps love.
But who needs a complicated answer? Humans live to die. And they live to love. They live to lose, and mourn, and just live. It makes Regulus feel better though, to know that he's just a human living. And a human that'll be dying. That out there, is a flower that will wilt the same time he does.
Maybe that makes him cruel, for taking pleasure for another being's end, but at this point he doesn't care, he's just happy that in his end, he is not alone.
"Not you. Everyone but you, Reggie." Sirius is still holding tight to the petals, Regulus thinks he's hurting himself. What is it with Blacks and their want to inflict suffering on themselves?
Regulus chuckles, "I don't think the universe agrees, Siri."
"Who is it?" He sounds like he's ready to drag whoever it is that refuses to love Regulus back, and force them to do so.
"No one." You can't do anything. It's him. And It'll ruin you.
"You have to tell me!" Sirius shouts, like he did before running away. Like he did when he found Regulus blood-stained body at the Potter's doorstep. "You have to! So- I can-" he looks around trying to desperately find his words.
"So I can save you," he tried to shout but it came as a broken sob. "Please, Reggie. Please, please, please, let me- let me save you."
"You can't."
And Sirius fell. His whole life fell apart as he absorbed the words Regulus cursed him with. And Regulus? Regulus wrapped his arms around his brother. Like how his brother did a thousand times to him. It feels wrong, Sirius doesn't fall… He wasn't supposed to fall apart. He's Sirius. His big brother. He doesn't fall. He's strong. He's-
It's my turn now. Let me hold you.
Let me hold you, how you held me years ago. Let me hold you as you shatter, and let me help pick up the pieces that fall out because of me. It's my turn. It's my turn. It's my turn.
And it may be my last.
***
He left the temple and ran towards Aphrodite's temple instead. She showed up after his call, and she suggested a solution. 'Drink water from the Mnemosyne's river,' she said, giving him a vial. Love fades with memories. You can't love what you don't remember.
***
They sat on Regulus' bedroom floor as time passed. Regulus lost count. He held Sirius as Sirius held him. They grieved for a future Regulus bestowed upon them. They stayed.
When all is calm and tears are dried, Regulus knows what is coming.
He waits.
"You can cure it."
"I can." He nodded, but he quickly looked away. "But I don't want to."
"You can't just throw your life away for someone," Sirius says, pulling away from him and standing up. "That's just-"
"Just-" he grips his hair, "So fucking unfair!"
You can't just leave me for someone goes unspoken, but Regulus hears it anyway.
For him I have no choice, and I'm sure you can understand. He thinks. "I know," he says.
"Regulus, you have a choice!" There it is, the yelling, the fight, them. "You can remove that! You can live!"
Except forgetting James is a no choice at all.
"I don't want to!"
The silence after that was so loud. Sirius froze. Regulus following him after the realization of what he said. And for a moment time did too.
"What?"
What woke them from the ice was an unexpected voice coming from neither of them.
James.
He was looking at them as if he had just seen a ghost. His eyes traveled from them to the flower petals adoring Regulus' floor accompanied by dried blood and tears.
"You're dying?"
Regulus didn't want anyone to know. And now almost everyone does. Including James, the said object of his affections.
Fucking hell, "Apparently not fast enough."
Sirius almost broke his neck turning to look at him. "What- You can't just-"
"My death. My decision. And I have decided on humor."
"Reggie." He said, begging looking so broken. "I can't- Look, I know you do your own thing, but please, please don't."
He looks away. "Not to me, at least."
He can taste the ash surrounding his tongue, Sirius rarely says please. "Okay."
He can't look at him. So he turns his gaze on James instead. The latter looking so lost, he keeps looking between the two brothers, trying to find the punchline of this twisted joke he thinks they decided to play on him.
But he doesn't find it.
***
The man looks at the vial the goddess of love gave him. He tilted the bottle and poured the magical water into the ground. He can't forget his love. He will die remembering.
And he did.
***
"You'll be at my final game?"
James says, later that day, looking at the stars. They were at the attic now, hours after James walking out the room and Sirius following him after, they took different directions. The party was canceled. Regulus found himself sitting beside him.
"Huh?"
"My final game, you'll watch me right?" He turns his attention at Regulus now.
"James-" Regulus tries to explain, because James is acting weird. He looks like he doesn't believe what he heard. Looks like he doesn't want to accept it.
"And I'll be at yours." James just continued what he was saying.
"I don't think-"
"And then we'll get scouted, and you'll pick a team I picked already, because you really, really, really want to play with me, and be part of the same team. And I won't complain, because who will if they have the best seeker on their team?" Regulus cannot will himself to move, he tries, he tries, he tries.
Because James is crying now.
And Regulus is frozen.
And he's crying for Regulus.
Because he cares.
Move.
Move. Just move.
But he can't.
"And-"
"And we will leave other teams in the dust, gaping, because younger players than them beat them just like that, huh?" He continued James' story. He moves. For James.
James chuckled, and he sounded so broken. So beautiful.
Regulus thought that was the end of the conversation after a long time of silence, but James suddenly spoke.
"You're not allowed to die before I finish the book you let me borrow."
"I don't think I can control that, James." He rolled his eyes, despite the topic being his death.
James was still looking at him, he never stopped since he started. As if Regulus would disappear if he did. "Well, you're not allowed to die at all." He continued.
He raised his eyebrow. "Sirius already failed at convincing me, what makes you think you can?"
"I don't think I can, even if I hope to." It's for you. For us. For me.
"You won't."
James flinched. "Chance?"
"None."
"I'll beg. The gods. The cause. You." He tried anyways. "Reggie, just tell me. I'll do anything."
You cannot beg to yourself, James.
"None."
"... Okay." James swallows. "Okay, I won't. For you."
"Thank you, James."
"For you. Always, for you."
His heart aches.
"I'll still beat you at the match, though." Regulus said, trying to break the tension.
"You won't!" James accepted the bait.
"Oh, I definitely will."
***
"It's Lily. Barty said it's Lily."
His brother said entering the room. Regulus is in the Gryffindor's dormitory, playing tutoring James on potions. It was two months after James and his brother found out. Regulus is much weaker now. Paler. His breaths more quiet. Barely there.
He was asking James a question when his brother burst inside the room frantically yelling about Lily. Fucking Barty.
"What?" He tries to act innocently.
"Lily?" James whispered, he looks crestfallen. Of course, he does. He thinks Regulus is in love with the girl he's in love with, and he's dying for her.
"It makes sense! The petals! It's lilies!" His brother continued.
"Sirius-"
"Look Regulus, we can fix this!" He approached Regulus and placed his hand in his shoulders, shaking him. "I'm sure Lily can love you back! You just need to confess! You can live-"
"Sirius, look at me." Trying to get his brother's attention. "I won't."
"I won't live."
"But you can-"
But Regulus just shakes his head. "No."
He has accepted it.
He will die.
He will die loving his brother. Loving his friends. He will die loving James Potter. Remembering James Potter.
He will.
"It's unfair, you know." His brother said, now sitting at James' chair, the latter must've left to give the brothers privacy after Sirius approached Regulus. "How you're just okay with it. And I'll be here, alone. Brotherless. And I just have to cope with that."
"You'll have James."
"It's not the same, and you know it.". Regulus does. They've come a long way from what they used to be.
"You'll have me."
"Not really."
"You will. I'll be there. Just look up." He repeated the words Sirius said to him the night before he left for Hogwarts.
"I'll be there, Regulus. Just look up! I'm the brightest!"
"I'll miss you, anyways."
"I will, too. Sirius." He whispered. "Believe me."
***
Red.
That was the next color he coughed up. The same flower. A different color.
He used to hate it, the color.
Blood. Gryffindor. Blood.
But it was James' favorite.
So it became Regulus' favorite, too.
"Regulus."
Putting a bookmark in his book, he looks up at Pandora. "Hey."
"Hello," she looks at the book. "What are you reading?"
"This? It's just another Icarus retelling. It has Helios this time." He put the book on his side. "I want to finish it before quiditch week, you know how hectic it can be."
He didn't give up flying.
Even if he was getting weaker and weaker.
He can't give it up.
"Yeah. I think you'll still win this year though." Pandora was never interested in quiditch, yet because all her friends are all players she never missed a match.
"Hm."
"You love him." Pandora randomly said. It made Regulus stop.
"Who?"
"Him. And you'll pay with your life for it." She never mentioned a name yet Regulus is sure she knew. That's just how Pandora works. She always knows. Specially when it comes to him.
"I don't need to pay with my life for me to love him, Pans.'' He answered, looking at the clouds above them. "But I am willing to pay to keep it."
James tried convincing him to tell Lily about the situation. He did it more than Sirius. Regulus can tell he's hurting while doing so. But he continued, because it meant he can make Regulus happy, and alive. That's how kind he is.
He didn't move though. He stayed with his decision.
He will die remembering. And no one knowing.
Except Pandora.
"You always did grasp the light like a child raised by darkness." Pandora said. And she's right. Regulus was raised by darkness, but he was surrounded by light too. The brightest.
"You won't try and convince me?" He asked, because Pandora was the only one who didn't try and change his mind.
"I know it'll do nothing. So I'll do what no one else is doing." She smiled sadly at him. "I'm supporting you."
"That's a bit twisted."
"It is. And I'm not happy about it." She looks at the clouds, ''but for love, no?"
He smiled at her, and looked back at the clouds, the sun escaping the tree and kissing his skin.
"For love."
***
Regulus gasped for air after flying with James at the Pitch that noon, they both now laying on the ground, near the black lake, one of their places.
"I'm totally winning." James gasped, smiling.
"Not with that flying, you are not."
"I totally am."
Regulus rolled his eyes. "No."
When they lay here like this, exchanging quips, Regulus can almost pretend that everything is normal. That he didn't just coughed the biggest petal–flower, it was almost a whole flower–this morning.
He can feel his time running out.
But he holds it. Because he promised James he'll be there at the game. Because he still haven't finished his book. Because He and Sirius is suppose to hang out next Wednesday. He holds it.
He holds on.
"Let's go change?" James said getting up, Regulus doing the same.
They were heading towards the changing when Regulus felt his throat close up. His head spins. He coughs, and coughs, letting the blood and petals fall on the ground.
"Regulus?" James said, going near him. He puts his right hand on Regulus' back and gently moved it up and down, trying to soothe Regulus from the coughing.
"I- I'm- Fine. I'm Fine-" He coughs again, this time with more force. His knees gave up in him, but before his knees can touch the ground James wrapped his arms around him.
"Hey. I got you." His voice more panicked now, he tries to hold Regulus gently afraid he would hurt him. "It's alright. You're going to be alright-"
Regulus pushed James away and fell on the ground, he started puking blood whilst still coughing more petals.
His heart is aching. He can't breathe.
He can feel something rise from his throat.
"Hey. Reggie. Wait- HELP! SIRIUS! ANYONE!- Reggie- I'll-"
Regulus holds on.
But that's the thing about time isn't it? You can't quite grasp it.
Regulus holds on but he felt the sands escaping his hands, the faint sound of ticking can be heard.
Time is running towards him.
But he holds on.
He still needs to finish his book.
He still needs to win the game.
He needs to-
The letter-
He-
He promised James he'll be there-
He-
Can't-
Breathe-
"Sirius-"
He needs his brother.
He wants his brother.
Where is he?
"Reg?" He can distantly hear James' voice, It sounded desperate. He felt James' arms wrapping around him, trying to lift him up, but Regulus struggled.
"Hold on." He hears James voice, praying.
Hold on.
"Regulus, Hold on. Please." They're moving now, Regulus can feel it.
I love you.
It's the end and I still love you.
My love for you was the end.
End.
Was it worth it?
He felt James' arms shake, whilst pulling him closer, his grip tightening.
Hold me. Hold me. Hold me.
And James did.
He coughed one last time, finally letting go of the flower in his throat. He felt James come to a stop, and fell.
Regulus fell with him.
They fell together, James cradling him in his arms. Regulus can faintly hear his voice, he doesn't understand any word coming from him.
Regulus willed himself to open his eyes.
One. Last. Time. Open.
He saw James' eyes, wet from crying. His cheeks have blood marks on them, his glasses falling slightly. Beautiful.
He looks back on James' eyes, and he found himself transported in time.
He saw James, on the train, his arms wrapped around Sirius, looking at him with a shy smile. James in the astronomy tower, looking at him whilst Regulus introduced him to the stars. James laying on the ground, sunkissed, looking at him as he tells Regulus how his day went.
James, at the great hall, looking at Lily as he smiles at something she said.
"Regulus." James, once again prayed, shaking. He held Regulus in his arms, desperate.
Holding on.
One. Last. Time..
Regulus felt his eyes closing. He let it.
He falls.
With James holding on to him. He falls.
Finally grasping the light of Helios, Regulus rested. He sank down, his body tire from flying, his skin red from burning, and his lungs drowning in flowers and blood.
He sank down.
***
Red is the color of passion and romance. Since red lilies symbolize romantic love, they’re best reserved for occasions when you want to let strong feelings known.
***
And found within his body was a seed. Planted next to his grave, were glowing flowers that bloomed even in winter.
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