High Enough
Peter Pettigrew
Friday | October 17th, 1975
“I’m so upset Xeno is gone.” Mary sighed. “It’s so hard to get weed now.”
“Heaven forbid he graduate.” Remus laughed, leaning onto Micah.
“Honestly, the nerve.” Peter added.
“How dare he!” Sirius giggled.
The five of them were huddled together in a circle in the Astronomy tower, rotating a joint between them. Peter wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about the two extra additions. It was normally just Mary, Peter, and Remus. It wasn’t that he minded or disliked Sirius or Micah. He quite liked them both. Sirius he had been friends with since first year, so he was quite used to him. Micah, however, was new. He liked Micah, yeah, but they were still new. Peter didn’t know how he felt about it.
“Where do you get it then?” Micah asked, twisting the joint between their fingers.
“Mary used to date this Hufflepuff.” Peter explained. “He graduated last year but he still lives in Hogsmeade, so he supplies it for us.”
“That’s illegal, y’know.” Micah said with a smile.
“Mary has a sugar daddy.” Remus sing-songed, leaning into Mary’s face.
“And we officially have high-Remus!!” Mary announced, not unlike a quidditch commentator.
“Versus Remus thirty minutes ago?” Micah’s brow furrowed.
“That was buzzed Remus, not high Remus.”
“What’s the difference? How high he is?”
“No, I actually have this theory!” Mary switched her seating position so she was sitting on her knees.
“A theory?” Sirius looked so confused, like a lost dog. It was odd, Peter thought, because Sirius normally masked his expressions more. “About Remus getting high?”
“No,” Mary passed the joint. “About anyone getting high.”
“Okay, Professor Macdonald.” Remus raised his eyebrows. “Educate us.”
“Thank you.” Mary smiled. “Essentially, you know how everyone reacts to weed differently? Like some people get sleepy or hungry or slow? ‘Everyone reacts differently’, but I don’t think so. I think weed does the same thing to everybody.”
“I’m not following.” Sirius said.
“Okay, my theory is that weed breaks down each person’s walls.” Mary said. “When someone gets high, they lose whatever mental barriers they’ve built over the years.”
“I think I get it.” Remus tilted his head. “I need examples though.”
“Okay, take you, Remus.” Mary nodded at him. “You grew up as a Welsh immigrant in the East End of London. Not the best part of town, is it? You were probably told at a young age to keep your head down and not grab attention so no one would notice you and pick your pocket or something like that, yeah? You, in a way, were taught that you had to be small or quiet. Now, at fifteen years old, you’re more sure of yourself, sure, but you still don’t go out of your way to gain attention or be outspoken. You’re honest, yes, but you don’t make your thoughts and opinions known unless someone either outright asks you or it’s a more pressing topic.
“You might not make the effort to try and go unseen, but it's a habit. You’re not loud or bold or attention seeking. You don’t put a lot of effort into getting what you want. Instead, you just take what you get because you think that that’s what you deserve.”
“I feel very seen right now.” Remus' nose scrunched. “I don’t know if I like it.”
“But,” Mary continued. “When you get high, those barriers fall away. You’re no longer actively trying to avoid attention. You’re bolder, you flirt more, you’re more honest, you’re definitely more blunt. You’re not scared of hurting anyone’s feelings. You’re who you’d be if you weren’t raised to fly under the radar.”
“I don’t flirt.” Remus crossed his arms and pouted.
“Yes, you do.” The other four said immediately.
“I can go on too. Peter, for example.” Mary paused to take a puff. “Peter has two older siblings, he’s also used to flying under the radar. He doesn’t tell people his opinion or thoughts on something unless they outright ask, similar to Remus. He also will water down what he really thinks in order to not hurt someone’s feelings. He’s not shy exactly, but he doesn’t seek out attention.
“Then, when he’s high, he loses that. He’s more honest. He won’t dilute his opinions, he’ll be blunt. He’ll be loud and take up room and be more sure of himself.”
“That’s actually accurate.” Peter nodded. “For both me and Remus.”
Mary made eye contact with Sirius.
“Sirius,” She said. “Sirius grew up in a house where emotions, showing emotions, gets you hurt. So, he doesn’t show his emotions, not the real ones.”
“That’s ridiculous.” Micah said. “Sirius is probably the most emotional of you lot (no offence, Sirius). When he’s upset, you know. When he’s happy, you know.”
“That’s the thing though.” Peter took a puff. “He’s like that so no one knows what he’s actually thinking. He’s really good at putting on a front.”
“His mask.” Mary said. “But when he’s high, it slips away. He shows what he’s thinking. He becomes more straightforward in getting what he wants. He’s definitely more touchy-feely.”
“How dare you!” Sirius gasped before giggling. “I do not get touchy-feely.”
“Padfoot,” Peter sighed. “Your head is literally in my lap.”
“You’re comfortable.” Sirius crossed his arms, smiling.
“Is it because I’m fat?”
Sirius and Mary gasped– for entirely separate reasons. Sirius lifted up into a sitting position again.
“High-Peter is here!” She exclaimed before lightly hitting Peter’s arm. “You’re not fat.”
“I am a bit though, aren’t I?” Peter rolled his eyes.
“Nothing’s wrong with being a bit chubby.” Mary said definitely, patting her waist. Peter nodded but didn’t say anything else. Mary didn’t know much about it. Yeah, she was bigger, but she had the curves that made people like her weight. Peter was just heavy.
“Fuck, what time is it?” Remus stretched his back, landing his calves across Sirius’ lap. Peter watched as Sirius’ eyes went wide and his ears went red but tried to remain still and quiet. Peter also watched as Micah noticed but didn’t say anything.
“It’s about to be Saturday.” Micah said after a quick tempura. Remus groaned, blinking slowly after. “You’re so sleepy.”
“Fuck you.” Remus’ voice was muffled by Micah’s shoulder.
“Yeah, I think it’s time we head back.” Mary stood up. They all followed her.
~ ~ ~
Saturday | October 18th
“Hey, Pete.” Remus appeared next to him. It was almost noon. James and Sirius were on the pitch with the rest of the team, and Peter was so bored that he was going to watch them.
“Hey, Remus.”
Remus slowed his stroll to match Peter’s pace. “You know how we’re best friends?”
“Oh no.”
“Please?”
Peter stopped walking and sighed, “You want me to keep the dorm empty, don’t you?”
Remus smiled awkwardly.
“Godric above.” Peter dragged his hands down his face. “How long do you need?”
“An hour? Maybe two.”
Peter’s eyes went wide. “Merlin! How long do you-”
Remus’ hand shot to cover Peter’s mouth and he whispered, “Not so loud!”
“Why the fuck do you need two hours?!”
“Just in case? Aftercare and shit.” Remus shrugged. “Can you do it?”
Peter frowned. “Fine. The modified disillusionment potion is in my bedside drawer.”
Remus grinned, “Thanks, Peter.”
“Be safe!” Peter called after his retreating form. Remus flipped him the bird.
~ ~ ~
Sirius Black
Sirius frowned at the green liquid. “I don’t get why Remus isn’t here.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Is my presence not enough for you?” Lily crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. Peter snorted.
Three out of four marauders were huddled around a cauldron in an abandoned classroom. They were preparing for the prank James had thought up. Surprisingly, Lily was there.
“Thank you again, Evans.” James smiled. “Your help has been brills.”
Lily raised her eyebrows at James saying ‘brills’ but chose not to comment on it. “You’re just lucky that I owe Remus one, Potter… and, the idea of creating a new potion is quite enticing.”
“Not that we don’t love you for finally joining the darkside, Red,” Sirius smirked before turning to Peter. “But, where is Remus?”
“I told you,” Peter said easily. “He mentioned his hip was hurting, I made him go to Poppy, Poppy made him stay, and he told me to make you lot work on the potion. ‘I’m shite at potions anyway’.”
The other three gaped at him. Finally James laughed, “Peter, your Remus accent is spot on.”
“Thank you.” Peter smiled, awfully smug.
Remus was hurt? Sirius frowned. He had seen the taller boy at breakfast. He hadn’t seemed stiffer than usual. Did Sirius really not notice?
“‘ You okay?”
Sirius looked up; it was Lily. James and Peter were discussing the impressions, but Lily had moved closer to Sirius to whisper to him.
Lily Evans was such a surprise. Sirius remembered in first year when he had first met Lily. Sirius had left Cissa to find and sit with some other first years. He had stuck his head into a compartment with a girl with fiery, red hair and a boy with wild, black hair.
“Are you first years?” Sirius had asked them. It was before his accent had dulled. First-year Sirius spoke with a ‘posh’ accent (according to Remus later) with a slight mix of French. The two kids in the compartment had nodded. “What are your names?”
“Potter. James Potter.” The boy held out his hand and smiled, it lit up his whole face. Sirius stared at it for a bit. He wasn’t used to anyone being excited to see him– not anyone other than Andy or Reggie and maybe Narcissa– especially a stranger. And though part of Sirius was mentally bitterly asking what this boy had to be so happy about, the other part wanted the boy to tell him, to share what made him so happy so that, maybe, Sirius could feel it too.
Plus, Sirius wasn’t supposed to talk to any Potters.
Sirius shook the boy’s hand, trying to not shrivel from the physical contact and stepping into the compartment. “Sirius Black.”
The boy’s eyebrows raised for a moment before his grin returned full force. “Nice to meet you.”
“Why are you acting like forty-year old business men?”
Both boys turned to the red haired girl. Sirius studied her. She was already in her school robes, they looked new but not top quality. Her red hair was pulled into two plaits and her bright, green eyes shown with a sort of stubborn, mischievous sheen. Sirius quite liked her. He reckoned he’d like her more if she was a boy (he wasn’t that comfortable around girls), but she might’ve been alright if she hadn’t just insulted Sirius.
James, however, hadn’t realised that he had been insulted and laughed.
“Who are you?” Sirius had asked, unable to keep the slight bitter edge from being insulted out of his voice.
The girl had noticed but didn’t react other than narrowing her eyes slightly in challenge. “I’m Lily Evans.”
Evans? Sirius hadn’t known any Evans. He also hadn’t recognized her accent. It was British definitely but it was off. Sirius couldn’t place it. There was a slight northern tilt but also slightly Scottish (?) and something Sirius couldn’t place.
“I was just explaining quidditch to her.” James had smiled. Did he ever stop smiling?
“You don’t know quidditch?” Sirius asked.
“No,” Lily had crossed her arms. “It seems a bit stupid to me.”
James had then gasped dramatically, completely overplaying his distress for a joke, and Sirius decided that this was his best friend.
“Why is the smidge worth so many points!?” Lily had exclaimed. “What’s the point of doing anything else?!”
Sirius had laughed, completely thrown off guard. He had never seen a girl say her opinion so boldly and proud. Even Trixy and Andy (Sirius’ most opinionated cousins) waited to say their opinions until they were alone and did so quietly. Sirius was taught that kids should be silent, girls even more so, but here was this girl who said her opinions so easily and freely and strongly. She was different and Sirius was curious.
Lily looked at him, visibly pleased at his reaction.
“You have a point.” Sirius laughed.
James turned his aghast expression towards Sirius. “Not you too!”
Then Snape entered.
Sirius remembered how Snape wanted to move to another compartment but Lily wanted to stay. Sirius remembered how the conversation moved to houses and Snape had insulted James. Sirius remembered how he couldn’t allow that– who was this greasy, little kid to insult his new best friend? He remembered how Lily’s eyes were hurt as she looked at Sirius before she left.
After that, Lily became ‘Evans’. She didn’t loudly say her opinion unless she was with Macdonald and McKinnon in the common room. She didn’t talk to James or Sirius or their two friends that joined them in the compartment after she had left.
Then, second year, Evans became a swot. She had been one in first year, but now she was more loud about it, becoming a real square and stomping out James and Sirius’ fun when they tried to joke around in class. It didn’t help that James started to look after like a lovestruck fool, flirting with her, complimenting her, asking her out. She wasn’t ‘Lily’, she was ‘Evans’: the swot that stole Sirius’ best friend’s attention.
Then in third year, she stole Remus as well. Remus– the boy Sirius had just managed to slip out of shell.
Then… fourth year.
It was a week after the Prank. Remus wasn’t even looking at Sirius, and Sirius didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to handle it. When people get mad, they yell. That’s what’s supposed to happen. They’re supposed to hurt you, scream at you, hit you, not… they’re not supposed to do nothing.
Sirius had tried apologising again and Remus didn’t even look at him, acknowledge him.
That’s how Sirius ended up crying in the common room behind the couch late at night. Boys weren’t supposed to cry, it’s a sign of weakness. So, Sirius did so alone, not bring attention to himself– the way he learned how at “home”.
Then, he heard a sniffle. He froze. He knew it wasn’t him, he didn’t make noise when he cried. He had crawled around the couch to see Evans– the swot that stole his best friend and his Remus– crying.
She was curled into a ball in front of the fire, clutching a piece of paper. She looked so sad and lonely. She looked so… small. And it was odd because Sirius had never thought of Lily as small. She was short, yes, but not small. She was loud and sure of herself and bold. She might’ve been built on the short side but her personality and presence had always been big.
He didn’t like her like that– small. It didn’t suit her. Lily Evans was the kind of girl that demanded and deserved attention. She knew what she thought and her opinions were almost always right. And as much as Sirius hated it, she deserved the attention and admiration she got. Sirius didn’t.
It was for that reason that Sirius walked over and sat across from her. Her eyes had shot up and widened in surprise. She tried to wipe away her tears before she realised it was pointless.
She crossed her arms and donned her snobbish, swot voice, “What are you doing up?”
She’s already getting bigger, Sirius had thought.
“Crying.”
Her eyes widened and her expression faltered, clearly not expecting for Sirius to 1) say that and 2) be honest.
“Why?” She had asked, much softer.
“Why are you?” He had asked back. He half-expected her hackles to raise again– in fact, he was hoping for it– but instead she deflated, growing smaller again.
“Nothing.” She had whispered, holding the paper closer to her body.
Then, it clicked in Sirius’ brain. Lily was holding paper, not parchment. Muggle. It must’ve been a letter from home. Did Lily have a bad homelife? But she loved her parents? She had said as much when her father had died the year before. Wait, didn’t Mary say-
“Is it from your sister?”
Lily’s eyes had shot up, caught.
“You know,” Sirius had swallowed, the cry threatening to come up his throat. “I might know something about estranged siblings.”
That’s the night, Evans– the swot that stole Sirius’ best friends– became ‘Lily’ again. That’s the night that Lily and Sirius became friends.
It was an odd pairing, for sure, but it worked. Sirius and Lily made that nightly meeting a tradition. They confessed to each other, helped each other, and Lily was the only person at Hogwarts, other than James, that has seen Sirius cry.
It was still weird to think about how well she knew him though.
Sirius watched James and Peter. “Yeah, of course.”
“You know,” Lily’s side pressed against Sirius’, a sign of comfort. “If it was really bad, you would know.”
Moony.
Sirius looked down at her. Her eyes were open and honest. “I know.”
Lily smiled. “Good.” She looked in the direction of the cauldron. “He’s okay.”
“He’s okay.” Sirius repeated.
“Done!” James exclaimed. “Sirius, come test it!”
“Why do I have to test it?” Sirius frowned, making his way over to the cauldron and two other boys anyway.
“You speak the most languages.” Peter passed him the ladle.
“Oh, merde.” Sirius closed his eyes and sipped the now-almost clear liquid straight from the spoon.
It didn’t taste like much. Maybe a little chalky, a little earthy, with some vanilla. It was all very muted. He really had to reach to pick out the flavours.
“So?” Lily asked. “How does it taste?”
“Peu de choses. Un peu sec.” Sirius’ eyes went wide. He didn’t consciously switch to French, so the potion must’ve worked. He kissed his teeth. He hated his accent; it was so snobbish and technical and– the worst one– natural. The language flowed off his tongue clearly and easily. Disgusting. “Ça a marché!”
“Wow.” Lily beamed before her determined expression took over. “Okay, now, try really hard to speak English.”
Sirius turned to Peter, “Was soll ich sagen?”
“My name is Sirius.” Peter supplied.
“Je- je- je m’appelle-” Sirius frowned. “Ich- je- to- Je m’appelle- oh mon dieu, c'est quoi ce bordel?!”
James and Peter were in stitches– even Lily was grinning, trying to stifle her laughter.
“How long will he stay like this?” James asked.
“He took a small sip, so maybe an hour or two?” Lily hid her smile behind her hand.
“Tu ne devrais pas cacher ton sourire, Red.” Sirius said, just because he knew that Lily couldn’t understand him. “C'est un beau sourire.”
Lily’s smile dropped a tad. “Wait, ‘Red’? What’d you just say about me?”
Sirius just smiled. It must’ve been less mischievous and more genuine than he thought, because her smile softened.
“Here’s the real test though.” James crossed his arms. “How much Spanish do you actually know? Responde a estas preguntas. ¿Cuál es mi comida favorita?”
“Las tartas de calabaza y calabacín de Effie.” Sirius said. His Spanish definitely wasn’t as fluid or elegant as his other languages but it wasn’t bad(?).
“¿Cuándo es mi cumpleaños?”
“No conozco los nombres de los meses, Prongs” Sirius gave him a flat look. He switches to a language he knows better. “Können wir auswärts essen gehen? Ich bin am Verhungern.”
“Yeah, sure.” Peter nodded. “Sirius wants food.”
“Oh, Godric, I forgot about lunch!” James exclaimed, starting to bottle the potion.
“Potter, it’s almost two.” Lily scolded as she helped him clean.
“It happens.” James said defensively.
“‘It happens’?”- Lily raised her eyebrows, unimpressed. “Forgetting to eat?”
“Yeah,” James shrugged like it’s no big deal. “Remus does it too, you know, so don’t get all judge-y. I’ll just get really focused on a task and forget to eat.”
“Or use the bathroom.” Peter added. “He once took five hours working on a gift for Effie and after he finished, he ran to the bathroom, not even realising that he hadn’t gone or needed to go.”
Lily looked thoughtful for a moment, mulling this over in her mind. Sirius knew the feeling. He didn’t fully understand why James and Remus would do things like that– forgetting to eat, constantly fidgeting, tunnel vision. It was just this weird thing that the two boys had in common.
“Alright,” Lily said when they had finished cleaning up. “Let’s go get some sandwiches from the kitchens then.”
~ ~ ~
“Hey, Moony.” Peter said as they entered the dorm. “Is your hip feeling better?”
Remus looked up from his book from where he was laying in his bed, and shared a look with Peter.
“Yeah,” Remus sat up.
“We finished the potion.” Peter grinned. “It works.”
“Really?” Remus’ eyes lit up though his face remained the same. “Who’d you test it on?”
“C’est moi.” Sirius held up his hand.
“Ace.” Remus smiled. “Monday then?”
“Monday, it is.”